Let's hear some jokes..cabin fever is setting in.

[Gerry]

A wife is sitting in the living room watching TV, when all of a sudden she
hears her husband in the bedroom, swearing up a storm.
He is using every bad word in the book.
The wife runs into the bedroom to see what is going on.
She finds her husband just sitting on the bed.
She asks her husband, "Honey, what happened? Did you hurt yourself?"
The husband looks up and replies, "No, I'm fine. I'm just practicing."
The wife gets a real confused look on her face, and says, "Practicing?
Practicing for what?"
Then the husband says, "For the first time in years, I'm playing golf
tomorrow!"

[Gerry]

Don: Randy, I heard you flew to California on vacation. I'll bet that was
great!
Randy: No, Don, that was bad. When I got there, I missed the bus from the
airport to my hotel.
Don: Oh, that's bad.
Randy: No, that wasn't too bad. I finally got a taxi, and the driver was
real friendly.
Don: That's good.
Randy: No, that was bad. The transmission in the taxi broke before we even
got away from the airport.
Don: Oh, that's bad!
Randy: No, that was good. Turned out, reverse gear still worked, so we
weren't completely stranded.
Don: Oh, that's good!
Randy: No, that was bad. The driver decided to drive me all the way to my
hotel, backwards.
Don: Whoa! That's bad!
Randy: No, that was good.
Don: It was?
Randy: Yep. When we finally did get to the hotel, the driver owed me six
dollars and forty cents.

[Gerry]

Dan goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in hospital.
"How are you Grandpa? he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?" wonders Dan.
"Terrific, wonderful menus," smiles Grandpa.
"And the nurses?" asks Dan.
"Just couldn't be better," nods Grandpa. "Those Sisters of Mercy really know
how to take care of you."
"What about sleeping?" questions Dan. "Are you still having trouble sleeping?"
"No problem at all," says Grandpa. "Nine hours solid, every night.
At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and
that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson, puzzled and quite alarmed by this, rushes off to question the
Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," Dan demands.
"My 85-year-old grandfather says that you're giving him Viagra on a daily
basis. Surely that can't be true!?"
"Oh, yes," admits the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of
chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well.
The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of
bed."

[stuckincity]

Originally Posted by Little red riding hood

A 75 year old man joins a nudist club, after check in, he goes for a naked walk on the beach when he sees this stunning blonde wearing nothing but her birthday suit! So he gets a hard on, and she comes trotting up to him and says "excuse me sir, did you call me?" He says no he did not, but she says "but sir, you have an erection, around here that means you've called me" so she takes him by the hand and leads him to a beach towel and lays down and pulls him on top of her! Well.. after he's done he's feeling good, but tired, so he decided to relax in the sauna, so he settles down and let's out a big fart! A minute later a large hairy man enters the sauna and says "excuse me sir, did you call me?" He says no he did not. But the big man says "but you farted, around here that means you've called me" so the big guy bends him over and has his way with him! Afterwards, the old guy stumbled back to the reception area and tells the receptionist "I'm out! You can keep the membership fees I'm gone!" The receptionist says "but sir, you haven't even seen half of our amenities at this club." the old guy replies "lady, I'm 75 years old, I get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here!"

I know EXACTLY how he feels, and I'm only 66!

[Little red riding hood]

2 cannibals drive up to a gas station, one points to the attendant and says to his buddy "don't eat those, they give you gas!"

2 cannibals are hunting one day, and they catch a guy, so they decide to share him, buddy says to his friend, I'll start at the head and you start with the feet, and we'll meet in the middle. After a while buddy says "how you doing down there?" His friend replies "I'm havin a ball!" Buddy says "well, slow down, you're eating too fast!"

[Little red riding hood]

A couple has been married for about 10 years, and the husband has gotten into a habit of letting out a big trumpeting fart! Every morning when he wakes. And his wife has complained about the noise blowing her eardrums and the stench gagging her! And she warns him that one of these days he's going to blow his guts out. But he just laughs at her and keeps doing it.
Then one thanksgiving morning, she's in the kitchen getting the turkey ready for the oven, and he's still sleeping. She looks at the giblets left in the sink, and has a great idea! She scoops it all up and sneaks into the bedroom where he's fast asleep, then she pulls back his briefs and places the whole mess in and tippy toes back to the kitchen.
About 20 minutes later... She hears his trumpeting start up, but suddenly gets cut short by a blood curdling scream! And anxious feet quickly padding across the floor to the bathroom! And she's in the kitchen trying not to laugh too hard so that he doesn't hear. And about a half hour later he emerges, with his face drawn and pale, and he says to his wife, "well honey, you were right!" She says "what was I right about?" He says "I blew my guts out! But fortunately with a half can of Vaseline, I managed to get them all back in!"

[Tactical Lever]

Why did Justin choose Bill Nye the science guy (not a real scientist) for his debacle today?















Because he found out he couldn't get Miss Frizzle from The Magic School Bus.

[Fastfred]

A Newfoundlander is driving down a road in St. Johns
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer

'Lord tunderin' jaysus' he says to himself, 'me tree
Favourite tings!'

[Fastfred]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

[Gerry]

A woman answers the phone in a busy office, "Good morning, Cleveland
Parachute Club".
A startled man on the other end replied, "Excuse me, but isn't this the
Cleveland Prostitute Club"?
"Oh no sir", came the embarrassed reply, "this is the Cleveland Parachute
Club".
"Damn!" said the man. "I'm afraid I made a big mistake. Last week your
salesman called and signed me up for two jumps a week"

[Gerry]

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after
the doctor had given her a prescription for the male
hormone testosterone.
The woman was a little worried about some of the side
effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones
you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid
you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in
places where I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a
perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where
has this hair appeared?"
The woman replied, "On my balls."

[Gerry]

A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer
fifty dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry
ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be
pulling people out of the mud night and day."
"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."

[Gerry]

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real
peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.
One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to
him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant
stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his
back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.
At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered their
sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down, but when the men came up
and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister
approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down
to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"
"Well," Jake replied, "the women all said how nice she looked, and her
dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all
asked, 'Is that mule for sale?' and I shook my head, no."

[Gerry]

The fireman had rushed into a burning building and rescued a beautiful
young lady who was clad only in the top half of her baby-doll nightgown. He
had carried her in his arms down three flights of stairs.
As they arrived safely outside the building, she looked at him with great
admiration and said, "Oh, you are wonderful. It must have taken great
strength and courage to rescue me the way you did."
"Yes, it did," the fireman admitted. "I had to fight off three other
firemen who were trying to get to you."

[Gerry]

This guy fell asleep on the beach one day and the wind came up and blew
sand all over him until he was covered with only his big toe sticking
out. An old nympho was walking down the beach, saw the toe sticking up,
pulled down her bikini bottom and squatted over the toe.
She humped away til she was satisfied, pulled up her drawers and left.
The guy woke up, brushed the sand away and left, not knowing what
happened. The next day his foot itched like hell, and had a sore on it.
He went to the Dr. and after an exam the doc told him he had syphillis
of the big toe.
"Syphillis of the big toe?", he inquired, "isn't that rare."
The doc said "You think that's rare, I had a woman in here this morning
with athlete's *****."

[Gerry]

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another
from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed
the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr. James, you records
and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home." he said.
"I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope
around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

[Red Bullets]

My last ride.......

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley."

[Weedy1]

What's the difference between a chick pea and a potato?


You wouldn't pay to have a potato on you!

[Fish along]

[QUOTE=Red Bullets;3747373]My last ride.......

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley."[/QUOTE :sHa_sarcastic lol:
J

[Little red riding hood]

A man came home early from work and finds his neighbor in bed with his wife, so he sneaks back outside unnoticed, and goes to the neighbors house and tells his wife that her husband is in bed with his wife, so she suggested that they have some "revenge". So he says Ok, so they go to the bed and get their frustrations worked out, and afterward she makes him a snack, then they head to the couch for some more revenge, then they watch a movie, and have some more revenge! Then he suggested that it's nearly supper time and he should probably be going home now, she says "don't you want some more revenge?" To which he replied "naw, I have no hard feelings left!"

[Fish along]

Thank you guys for the humour, these past few days have been hell for me and my family, this forum keeps me grounded some how,I will try to explain another day.

[Little red riding hood]

The attorney says to his client, I have good news and bad news, the client says "let's have the good news first" lawyer says "well, your x wife has decided that she is not going to pursue legal actions to receive future inheritance from your wealthy father" to such his client replies "that's great news! What's the bad news?" Attorney says "after the divorce is final, she's marrying your father!"

[Gerry]

A woman came up to a policeman on his beat and said, "Oh, officer!
There's a man following me and I think he must be drunk."
The officer scrutinized the woman and answered, "Yes, he must be!"

[Gerry]

A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects milk, some eggs,
a carton of juice, and a package of bacon.
As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a drunk standing
behind her in line watches her place the four items on the belt and states
with assurance, "You must be single."
The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual
about her selection says, "That's right. How on Earth did you know?"
"Simple," He replies, "Because you're ugly."

[Gerry]

TOP 10 THINGS MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1. They have tits.

[Gerry]

Serenity

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here.

No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called The World.

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of
serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding
under the water.

There now ... feeling better?

[Gerry]

A beachcomber of twenty-five had been shipwrecked on a desert island
since the age of six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a
beautifully sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been
washed ashore from another shipwreck just that morning.
After they got over their initial surprise at seeing each other, the girl
wanted to know how long he'd been alone on this barren bit of land.
"Almost twenty years," he said.
"Twenty years!" she exclaimed. "But how ever did you survive?"
"Oh, I fish, dig for clams and gather berries and coconuts," he replied.
"And what do you do for sex?" she asked.
"What's that?" He looked puzzled.
Whereupon the bold maiden pulled the innocent beachcomber down onto the sand
beside her and proceeded to demonstrate.
After they had finished, she asked how he had enjoyed it.

"Great!" was the reply.
"But look what it did to my clam digger!"

[Gerry]

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my
knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play
chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...
I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

[Gerry]

A little girl was playing in the garden when she
spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two
spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a
daddy long legs." her father answered. "So, the other one is a mommy long legs?"
the little girl asked."No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy
long legs," The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot
and stomped them flat. "Well,we're not having THAT sort of **** in our garden.

[Gerry]

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.
During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that
both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the
reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit,
"But she only had one arm, and when
it came to getting us out of the bathtub,
she had to manage as best she could."