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  #31  
Old 09-30-2013, 12:38 AM
Jeron Kahyar Jeron Kahyar is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Red Bullets View Post
I spoke to my mother today and told her I think I am adopted...because I think I look swedish or scandinavian. I always thought I was different than the family somehow.

She replied, "你是白如水稻"!
lol, This gets far more funny when you run that through the translator!
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  #32  
Old 09-30-2013, 07:30 AM
rwm1273 rwm1273 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Red Bullets View Post
I spoke to my mother today and told her I think I am adopted...because I think I look swedish or scandinavian. I always thought I was different than the family somehow.

She replied, "你是白如水稻"!
Translation: You are as white as rice
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  #33  
Old 09-30-2013, 07:38 AM
mxer117 mxer117 is offline
 
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If you strap a whole bunch of watches together and use them as a belt, what do you have?






A big "waist" of time!


( I'll show myself out..................)
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  #34  
Old 09-30-2013, 07:58 AM
Winch101 Winch101 is offline
 
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Location: Okotoks wilderness
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Default Polar bear

A young Polar comes in the house and asks Mom am I a real polar bear .

Of course dear , is sis ,yes , is Dad ,yes , grandpa , yes . Ok

At dinner ,he brings it up again.....The old man ,what's with this

Am I polar bear ,we are all polar bears ,you look like a polar ....right

Ya , The cub says....But...., But what the old man replies .


We'll says the cub...it's just that I'm ........Frickin Freezing ...
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  #35  
Old 09-30-2013, 08:23 AM
stuckincity stuckincity is offline
 
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A woman calls an import parts warehouse and asks for a 28- ounce water pump. "A what?" says the confused parts guy. "My husband left a note it says he needs a 28-ounce water pump."

"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?"
"A Datsun."

As the parts guy writes down "Datsun, 28 oz. water pump" a light in his head goes on. "Oh yes ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps. We have 24-ounce and 26-ounce water pumps too."

"Finally," she says. "You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about."

"Yes ma'am. That's because we're a full-service parts warehouse; it's our job to have the parts you need, like a 28-ounce water pump," he says, smiling, as he jots down customer pick-up, Datsun 280Z water pump part number...
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  #36  
Old 09-30-2013, 09:04 AM
Bound2Fish Bound2Fish is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stuckincity View Post
A woman calls an import parts warehouse and asks for a 28- ounce water pump. "A what?" says the confused parts guy. "My husband left a note it says he needs a 28-ounce water pump."

"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?"
"A Datsun."

As the parts guy writes down "Datsun, 28 oz. water pump" a light in his head goes on. "Oh yes ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps. We have 24-ounce and 26-ounce water pumps too."

"Finally," she says. "You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about."

"Yes ma'am. That's because we're a full-service parts warehouse; it's our job to have the parts you need, like a 28-ounce water pump," he says, smiling, as he jots down customer pick-up, Datsun 280Z water pump part number...
Am I missing something here?
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  #37  
Old 09-30-2013, 09:07 AM
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leeaspell leeaspell is offline
 
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280z water pump or add a space and you get 28 oz or 28 ounce water pump lol
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  #38  
Old 09-30-2013, 09:21 AM
stuckincity stuckincity is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bound2Fish View Post
Am I missing something here?
A Datsun 280Z is a car. They stopped makin 'em in '78.


Quote:
Originally Posted by leeaspell View Post
280z water pump or add a space and you get 28 oz or 28 ounce water pump lol
YUP!
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  #39  
Old 09-30-2013, 09:25 AM
Bound2Fish Bound2Fish is offline
 
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Ahh ok, didnt read it quite than in depth. Was looking for a punch line of some sort. Thanks for clearing that up.
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  #40  
Old 09-30-2013, 09:40 AM
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crownb crownb is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stuckincity View Post
A woman calls an import parts warehouse and asks for a 28- ounce water pump. "A what?" says the confused parts guy. "My husband left a note it says he needs a 28-ounce water pump."

"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?"
"A Datsun."

As the parts guy writes down "Datsun, 28 oz. water pump" a light in his head goes on. "Oh yes ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps. We have 24-ounce and 26-ounce water pumps too."

"Finally," she says. "You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about."

"Yes ma'am. That's because we're a full-service parts warehouse; it's our job to have the parts you need, like a 28-ounce water pump," he says, smiling, as he jots down customer pick-up, Datsun 280Z water pump part number...
FAIL!!! Lol
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  #41  
Old 09-30-2013, 10:01 AM
Zorehor Zorehor is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stuckincity View Post
A woman calls an import parts warehouse and asks for a 28- ounce water pump. "A what?" says the confused parts guy. "My husband left a note it says he needs a 28-ounce water pump."

"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?"
"A Datsun."

As the parts guy writes down "Datsun, 28 oz. water pump" a light in his head goes on. "Oh yes ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps. We have 24-ounce and 26-ounce water pumps too."

"Finally," she says. "You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about."

"Yes ma'am. That's because we're a full-service parts warehouse; it's our job to have the parts you need, like a 28-ounce water pump," he says, smiling, as he jots down customer pick-up, Datsun 280Z water pump part number...
And latter that day she called back looking for the 710 cap.
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  #42  
Old 09-30-2013, 01:20 PM
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Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
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Location: central Alberta
Posts: 12,627
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An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know sh*t?"

And then she went back to reading her book.
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  #43  
Old 09-30-2013, 02:48 PM
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tri777 tri777 is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Red Bullets View Post
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know sh*t?"

And then she went back to reading her book.
*Likes*
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  #44  
Old 09-30-2013, 07:55 PM
RandyBoBandy RandyBoBandy is offline
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.
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  #45  
Old 09-30-2013, 08:09 PM
stuckincity stuckincity is offline
 
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Location: Calgary
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Cruel eye test for old men.

In the doctor's office.
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  #46  
Old 09-30-2013, 08:20 PM
bisonhunter bisonhunter is offline
 
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Knock! Knock!

Who's there?

HORSP!
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  #47  
Old 09-30-2013, 09:26 PM
u_cant_rope_the_wind u_cant_rope_the_wind is offline
 
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Location: grew up in Alberta moved to SK, sure miss Alberta
Posts: 2,332
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the four types of orgasms a woman has
#1 the positive one when they say yes, yes oh yes
#2 the negative one when they say NO OH NO NO NO NO
#3 the religious one when they say OH GOD OH GOD
#4 the fake one when they say OH CAT OH CAT
sorry cat I couldn't think of I nicer guy to pick on
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  #48  
Old 09-30-2013, 09:49 PM
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Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
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Location: central Alberta
Posts: 12,627
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A Day in the life of a husband and wife.

HER DIARY

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long,so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. My marriage must be over.


HIS DIARY

I missed the buck of a lifetime today while hunting, but at least I got laid tonight.
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  #49  
Old 10-01-2013, 05:25 PM
avb3 avb3 is offline
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In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name ofParacetamol. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen..

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky Boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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  #50  
Old 10-01-2013, 05:59 PM
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het4human het4human is offline
 
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Posts: 369
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrLeahy View Post
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.
My wife asked me to take her out somewhere expensive for our anniversary - so I took her to the gas station - and that's when the fight started.

The following year she asked me to take her somewhere she had never been - so I took her to the kitchen - and that is when the fight started.
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  #51  
Old 10-01-2013, 06:11 PM
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catnthehat catnthehat is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by u_cant_rope_the_wind View Post
the four types of orgasms a woman has
#1 the positive one when they say yes, yes oh yes
#2 the negative one when they say NO OH NO NO NO NO
#3 the religious one when they say OH GOD OH GOD
#4 the fake one when they say OH CAT OH CAT
sorry cat I couldn't think of I nicer guy to pick on

Cat
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  #52  
Old 10-01-2013, 06:18 PM
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hal53 hal53 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by catnthehat View Post

Cat
this place needs a "like" button.....
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  #53  
Old 10-01-2013, 06:32 PM
RandyBoBandy RandyBoBandy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hal53 View Post
this place needs a "like" button.....
"like" YUUUP
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  #54  
Old 10-01-2013, 07:03 PM
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lopinyote lopinyote is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by catnthehat View Post

Cat


I laughed the hardest at this! And cat didn't even say a word! Now that's a funny guy! Cheers cat you just made my day...thanks
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  #55  
Old 10-01-2013, 07:13 PM
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catnthehat catnthehat is offline
 
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It's a gift- I can't control it!!

You have to admit however, that the original jab was pretty funny!
Cat
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  #56  
Old 10-01-2013, 07:43 PM
Unregistered user Unregistered user is offline
 
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A seal walks into a club.
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Former Ford Fan
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  #57  
Old 10-02-2013, 12:57 AM
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Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
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Everyone laughed at the "Nay-Sayers" when they tried to stop the logging in the Sahara Rain Forest....
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  #58  
Old 10-02-2013, 01:10 AM
bb356 bb356 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CaberTosser View Post
Little Billy was walking in the park with his Dad and he witnessed some dogs that looked like one got stuck on top of the other while they were playing leapfrog :thinking006:. Billy asked "Daddy, what are those dogs doing?". Dad replied "Well Billy, those dogs are making a puppy". Billy contemplated briefly but had no further questions, so Dad was relieved and they continued with their outing.

Later that evening after bedtime Billy woke up from a bad dream and wandered down the hall to Mommy & Daddy's room. He pushed the door open and saw Daddy on top of Mommy before they noticed him. They rapidly pulled up the covers as soon as they noticed his presence and asked him what he was doing out of bed.

Billy replied "I had a bad dream" followed very quickly by "Daddy, what were you and Mommy doing?"

Daddy replied "Well Billy, your Mommy and I are trying to make you a little sister!"

Billy contemplates briefly and replied "Flip her over Dad, I'd rather have a puppy!!"

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  #59  
Old 10-03-2013, 06:45 AM
rwm1273 rwm1273 is offline
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My new Thai girlfriend said a small pen!s should not be a problem in a loving relationship.












I still wish she didn't have one.
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  #60  
Old 10-03-2013, 07:43 AM
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marlin1 marlin1 is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Red Bullets View Post
A Day in the life of a husband and wife.

HER DIARY

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long,so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. My marriage must be over.


HIS DIARY

I missed the buck of a lifetime today while hunting, but at least I got laid tonight.
good one
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