Let's hear some jokes..cabin fever is setting in.

[Gerry]

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat "you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says "say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says "say no more" and fits each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you are here?"
The cat stretches and yawns and replies "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals On Wheels you have been sending by are the best!!!"

[BloodHound70]

Four nuns walk into the local perish to confess their sins to Father McCaffery to cleanse their souls. First up was Sister Mary Margaret as she tells Father McCaffery that she had seen a man naked and was aroused. Father McCaffery says to walk over to the fountain of holy water and wash her eyes to be forgiven. Next was Sister Fancis who tells Father McCaffery that she had touched a mans crotch once and wanted to repent. Father McCaffery told her to place her hands in the fountain to purify her soul. At that moment Sister Janice who was in the back of the line spoke up, "If you think I am going to gargle that stuff after Sister Betty washes her arse, you are crazy!!!!"

BH

[Gerry]

The little boy was 8 yrs old when his parents decided to have him circumcised (looking different than dad, other kids, etc). After a few days of recovery, the boy went back to school. After about an hour, the pain was really starting to bother him so he asked if he could see the school nurse.
He went to see her but was too embarrassed to tell her what the problem was.
She suggested that he call his Mom and see if she could come and get him. The nurse waited in the other room while the call was made. After a few minutes the little boy came out and started walking back to class, but the nurse noticed that his penis was hanging out of his pants. She said "Johnny, what are you doing? You can't walk around like that." He replied, "Well I told my
Mom how much I hurt and she said that if I could just stick it out till lunchtime she would come pick me up then."

[Gerry]

Clyde bought a live chicken and was heading home when he passed a theater showing a movie he really wanted to see. He stuffed the chicken down his bib overalls, bought a ticket, and went in. The movie was so good, he didn't want the chicken to suffocate so he undoes his fly and takes the chickens head out. Two women were sitting next to him, and one nudged the other and said, "Marie! This guy sitting next to me has fly open and his dick out!”
"Oh, Helen!" her friend replied. "If you've seen one of those, you've seen 'em all."
“Oh yea, this one is eating my popcorn!”

[250mark1]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

[250mark1]

A man wakes up early one morning to go ice fishing. He dresses warmly, and heads out onto the ice with his tent, his ice auger, his fishing rods, and his sittin’ bucket, and begins to auger a hole in the ice. After just a few seconds of drilling with the auger a big booming voice from above intones: “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE HERE!” The man looks around and, not being a very religious man, resumes drilling his hole in the ice. Again, he hears the thunderous voice: “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE HERE!” Becoming a little spooked, the man packs up his gear and moves 30 feet from where he was and begins making a new hole in the ice. “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE HERE EITHER!” the voice thunders again.

The man looks up, “God, is that you?”

The voice responds “NO, IT’S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!!”

[Ron J]

A guy owns a nail business called "Russel Nails". Business is slow so he calls an ad agency to help out. The ad sales people guy says no problem, we can write up a commercial and show it during next weeks hockey game. There will be great exposure and sales will take off.
The guy watches next weeks game with great anticipation. Finally his commercial comes on. It starts with a distant shot of Jesus on the cross. The camera zooms in to show a close up of one of Jesus's hands, and clearly written on the head of the nail is "Russel Nails".
The guy is furious at how tasteless the commercial is, and how many people it has offended, so he calls up the ad agency for an explanation. He gets an apology and a promise that a new commercial will be written that will undue the damage caused by the first one, and will be shown during the next game.
The guy watches the next game with anticipation of his commercial. His commercial comes on and again starts with a far away shot of Jesus. But Jesus is running down a hill being chased by two Roman soldiers. The camera zooms in on the soldiers, and one of them says to the other "see, I told you we should have used Russel Nails.
Sorry Folks.

[Fish along]

Originally Posted by Gerry

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat "you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says "say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says "say no more" and fits each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you are here?"
The cat stretches and yawns and replies "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals On Wheels you have been sending by are the best!!!"

All great jokes Gerry, thanks

[Gerry]

An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend , for your age you're in the best shape I've seen." The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life."
The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?”
The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."
The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."
Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said.
"Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"Aha!" she exclaimed. "He's the one who's been ****in' in the refrigerator!"

[Gerry]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking (as you do), and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there...
And she doesn't even have a penis!"

[Gerry]

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening
and reads:-
Dear Wife (that's what he called her)
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him as follows:-
Dear Husband (that's what she called him)
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Hilton Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18!!!!

[Gerry]

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives.
Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm f____."
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT f____. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living **** out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again:
"Okay ..... NOW you're f_____."

[Gerry]

An octogenarian was having his annual physical. As the doctor listened to his heart with a stethoscope, he clucked his tongue and muttered, "Oh no!"
"What is it, doctor? What is it?" the man asked.
"Well," said the medic, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"
"No" replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?"
"No" replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life of any kind?"
"Yes, I do as a matter of fact."
"Well," said the doctor, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have
to give up half your sex life."
"Which half?" The man asked. "The looking or the thinking?"

[stuckincity]

A man came home from work and found his wife sitting on the front step with 3 packed suitcases beside her.
He asked, "What are you doing?"
She said, "I'm waiting for a taxi. I'm leaving you."
He was surprised and asked Why.
She replied, "I just found out I can make 400 dollars a night with what I give you for free."

At that point the man ran into the house, and a few minutes later came out with his packed suitcases.

The wife said, "And where do you think YOU'RE going?"

The man replied, "I'm gonna follow you. I want to see how well you can live on 800 dollars a year."