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  #151  
Old 02-12-2018, 09:55 PM
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Little red riding hood Little red riding hood is offline
 
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Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.
The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
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  #152  
Old 02-13-2018, 09:44 AM
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Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, the first guy said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300. a week unemployment pay. The second guy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the second guy $600. a week. When the first guy found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained: panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters
were skilled labor. "What skill?" yelled the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says, "Yep, diesel fitter".
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  #153  
Old 02-13-2018, 09:46 AM
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One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball laying beside
him.
"Goodness," says the golfer and proceeds to revive the little guy. Upon awakening the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun and I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game and a fantastic sex life."
Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
"It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."
"I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week? No better than that, is it?"
"Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish
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  #154  
Old 02-13-2018, 09:50 AM
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Bill rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group
mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
Bill smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm
and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."
He proceeds her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"
She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these boobs! They are full, don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm doesn't sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"
Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming - That was me!!!"
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  #155  
Old 02-13-2018, 09:51 AM
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Did you hear about the three gays who attacked a woman?
Two held her down while the third did her hair.
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  #156  
Old 02-13-2018, 09:54 AM
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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to **** off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I sure didn't!"
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  #157  
Old 02-13-2018, 10:05 AM
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One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat "you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says "say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says "say no more" and fits each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you are here?"
The cat stretches and yawns and replies "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals On Wheels you have been sending by are the best!!!"
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  #158  
Old 02-13-2018, 10:18 AM
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BloodHound70 BloodHound70 is offline
 
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Four nuns walk into the local perish to confess their sins to Father McCaffery to cleanse their souls. First up was Sister Mary Margaret as she tells Father McCaffery that she had seen a man naked and was aroused. Father McCaffery says to walk over to the fountain of holy water and wash her eyes to be forgiven. Next was Sister Fancis who tells Father McCaffery that she had touched a mans crotch once and wanted to repent. Father McCaffery told her to place her hands in the fountain to purify her soul. At that moment Sister Janice who was in the back of the line spoke up, "If you think I am going to gargle that stuff after Sister Betty washes her arse, you are crazy!!!!"

BH
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  #159  
Old 02-13-2018, 10:25 AM
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The little boy was 8 yrs old when his parents decided to have him circumcised (looking different than dad, other kids, etc). After a few days of recovery, the boy went back to school. After about an hour, the pain was really starting to bother him so he asked if he could see the school nurse.
He went to see her but was too embarrassed to tell her what the problem was.
She suggested that he call his Mom and see if she could come and get him. The nurse waited in the other room while the call was made. After a few minutes the little boy came out and started walking back to class, but the nurse noticed that his penis was hanging out of his pants. She said "Johnny, what are you doing? You can't walk around like that." He replied, "Well I told my
Mom how much I hurt and she said that if I could just stick it out till lunchtime she would come pick me up then."
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  #160  
Old 02-13-2018, 10:29 AM
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Clyde bought a live chicken and was heading home when he passed a theater showing a movie he really wanted to see. He stuffed the chicken down his bib overalls, bought a ticket, and went in. The movie was so good, he didn't want the chicken to suffocate so he undoes his fly and takes the chickens head out. Two women were sitting next to him, and one nudged the other and said, "Marie! This guy sitting next to me has fly open and his dick out!”
"Oh, Helen!" her friend replied. "If you've seen one of those, you've seen 'em all."
“Oh yea, this one is eating my popcorn!”
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  #161  
Old 02-13-2018, 11:48 AM
250mark1 250mark1 is offline
 
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
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  #162  
Old 02-13-2018, 11:51 AM
250mark1 250mark1 is offline
 
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A man wakes up early one morning to go ice fishing. He dresses warmly, and heads out onto the ice with his tent, his ice auger, his fishing rods, and his sittin’ bucket, and begins to auger a hole in the ice. After just a few seconds of drilling with the auger a big booming voice from above intones: “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE HERE!” The man looks around and, not being a very religious man, resumes drilling his hole in the ice. Again, he hears the thunderous voice: “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE HERE!” Becoming a little spooked, the man packs up his gear and moves 30 feet from where he was and begins making a new hole in the ice. “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE HERE EITHER!” the voice thunders again.

The man looks up, “God, is that you?”

The voice responds “NO, IT’S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!!”
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  #163  
Old 02-13-2018, 03:04 PM
Ron J Ron J is offline
 
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A guy owns a nail business called "Russel Nails". Business is slow so he calls an ad agency to help out. The ad sales people guy says no problem, we can write up a commercial and show it during next weeks hockey game. There will be great exposure and sales will take off.
The guy watches next weeks game with great anticipation. Finally his commercial comes on. It starts with a distant shot of Jesus on the cross. The camera zooms in to show a close up of one of Jesus's hands, and clearly written on the head of the nail is "Russel Nails".
The guy is furious at how tasteless the commercial is, and how many people it has offended, so he calls up the ad agency for an explanation. He gets an apology and a promise that a new commercial will be written that will undue the damage caused by the first one, and will be shown during the next game.
The guy watches the next game with anticipation of his commercial. His commercial comes on and again starts with a far away shot of Jesus. But Jesus is running down a hill being chased by two Roman soldiers. The camera zooms in on the soldiers, and one of them says to the other "see, I told you we should have used Russel Nails.
Sorry Folks.
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  #164  
Old 02-13-2018, 05:40 PM
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Little red riding hood Little red riding hood is offline
 
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A DEA agent visits a farm, he approaches the farmer and tells him that he's looking for illegal drugs, the old farmer says help yourself, but stay out of the South pasture. Well the agent flips out on the farmer, pulls his badge out of his pocket and shoves it in the farmers face and yells "you see this badge? It allows me to go wherever I like, no questions asked and no answers needed!" So the old farmer says help yourself. And he goes back to wrenchin' on his tractor... about 20 minutes later he hears a blood curdling scream! So he drops his tools and runs to the fence, where the DEA agent is running for dear life! With the old Brahma bull hot on his heels and with each step it looks as if he'll have in the next! So the farmer cups his hands around his mouth and yells "YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
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  #165  
Old 02-13-2018, 07:33 PM
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omega50 omega50 is offline
 
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Why do Watermelons have fancy weddings?
Because they Canteloupe!!

As told to me by my grandson
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  #166  
Old 02-13-2018, 08:06 PM
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A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.....


The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before you offer your answer..
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  #167  
Old 02-13-2018, 08:54 PM
270person 270person is offline
 
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A man sitting in the aisle seat and a very good looking, well put together young brunette in the window seat are flying from Toronto to Vancouver one evening. Since the middle seat was vacant they shared the table to rest their snacks and beverages. About halfway through his second scotch and her second glass of wine they were engaged in lively conversation and becoming increasingly comfortable with one another.

Just over Winnipeg the man says "I'm really enjoying your company and the conversation. Do you mind me asking your name." She replies, "not at all, it's Carmen." He says "that's a beautiful name." She smirks and says "Well actually my name is Debbie but I changed it to Carmen 5 years ago because my two favorite things in life are cars and men. So tell me your name handsome."

He grins and says "Beerp***y"
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  #168  
Old 02-14-2018, 02:13 PM
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Fish along Fish along is online now
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerry View Post
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat "you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says "say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says "say no more" and fits each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you are here?"
The cat stretches and yawns and replies "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals On Wheels you have been sending by are the best!!!"
All great jokes Gerry, thanks
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  #169  
Old 02-14-2018, 04:16 PM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
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An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend , for your age you're in the best shape I've seen." The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life."
The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?”
The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."
The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."
Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said.
"Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"Aha!" she exclaimed. "He's the one who's been ****in' in the refrigerator!"
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  #170  
Old 02-14-2018, 04:29 PM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking (as you do), and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there...
And she doesn't even have a penis!"
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  #171  
Old 02-14-2018, 04:39 PM
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A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening
and reads:-
Dear Wife (that's what he called her)
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him as follows:-
Dear Husband (that's what she called him)
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Hilton Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18!!!!
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  #172  
Old 02-14-2018, 04:43 PM
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An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives.
Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm f____."
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT f____. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living **** out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again:
"Okay ..... NOW you're f_____."
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  #173  
Old 02-14-2018, 04:48 PM
stuckincity stuckincity is offline
 
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A man came home from work and found his wife sitting on the front step with 3 packed suitcases beside her.
He asked, "What are you doing?"
She said, "I'm waiting for a taxi. I'm leaving you."
He was surprised and asked Why.
She replied, "I just found out I can make 400 dollars a night with what I give you for free."

At that point the man ran into the house, and a few minutes later came out with his packed suitcases.

The wife said, "And where do you think YOU'RE going?"

The man replied, "I'm gonna follow you. I want to see how well you can live on 800 dollars a year."
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  #174  
Old 02-14-2018, 04:49 PM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
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An octogenarian was having his annual physical. As the doctor listened to his heart with a stethoscope, he clucked his tongue and muttered, "Oh no!"
"What is it, doctor? What is it?" the man asked.
"Well," said the medic, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"
"No" replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?"
"No" replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life of any kind?"
"Yes, I do as a matter of fact."
"Well," said the doctor, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have
to give up half your sex life."
"Which half?" The man asked. "The looking or the thinking?"
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  #175  
Old 02-14-2018, 04:50 PM
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Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm"
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and *very* satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"
"I can't remember, exactly ... Peter Peter, something or other...."
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  #176  
Old 02-14-2018, 05:39 PM
stuckincity stuckincity is offline
 
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Billy Bob was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new Dodge Ram.
Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
Billy Bob said, "Bubba where'd ya get that truck?!?"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

"She GAVE it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck? Why?"

"Well, let me tell ya what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes, and said 'Bubba, take whatever you want'. So I took the truck!"

Billy Bob said, "Bubba, you're a smart man! Them clothes would never have fit ya!"
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  #177  
Old 02-14-2018, 07:57 PM
double gun double gun is offline
 
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An older man with failing hearing hasn’t been feeling well and decides to go see the doctor. After the doctor has heard the mans story he says he would like a blood, stool, and a urine sample. The man who didn’t quite catch everything that was said turns to his wife for clarification.
She says “he needs your underwear”
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  #178  
Old 02-15-2018, 07:25 AM
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bat119 bat119 is offline
 
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Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
“Who is it?”, calls out one of the nuns.
“Blind man,” replies a male voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

“Where do you want me to put these blinds?”
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  #179  
Old 02-15-2018, 11:30 AM
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Fish along Fish along is online now
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bat119 View Post
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
“Who is it?”, calls out one of the nuns.
“Blind man,” replies a male voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

“Where do you want me to put these blinds?”
You could say they were blindsided lol, good joke.
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If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
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  #180  
Old 02-15-2018, 12:20 PM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Onoway, Alberta Beach
Posts: 604
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One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge:
The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The hands said: "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The stomach said: "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The legs said: "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
Then the rectum said: "I think I should be in charge."
All the rest of the parts said: "YOU?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You don't do anything!
You're not as important as we surely are! You can't be in charge."
So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy.
They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be the most important to be in charge.
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