Let's hear some jokes..cabin fever is setting in.

[Red Bullets]

Things are looking up...
I went to the grocery store today and this woman was really checking me out......

then she told me my groceries were 22.50

[Big Sky]

A school bus from an all girls' school went off the road and down the cliff, killing all of the passengers.

At the gates of heaven St. Peter asks the first girl if she has any sins to confess.
She says that she had looked at a man's privates even though she knew it was wrong to do so.
St. Peter told her to take the cup, fill it with holy water from the basin and rinse her eyes. She did so and St. Peter opened the gates of heaven for her.

The next girl stepped forward and confessed to St. Peter that she had touched a man's private parts even though she knew it was wrong to do so.
St Peter told her to rinse off her hands using the holy water from the basin. He then opened the gates of heaven for her.

Suddenly, there was a commotion in the line with one of the girls forcing her way to the front.

"What is the problem?", asked St Peter.

"Well," replied the girl, "I've seen how this works and if I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to do it before Mary-Ellen washes her a** with it."

[Big Sky]

kid joke

What happened to the 3 French cats in the leaky boat?

Un, deux, trois, cat, sank.

[Fish along]

Originally Posted by Red Bullets

Things are looking up...
I went to the grocery store today and this woman was really checking me out......

then she told me my groceries were 22.50

This is another one I'll have to think about for awhile lol,but I love em thanks, keeps me on my toes,,Like wear the fox hat so funny lol takes a while to sink in.

[JD848]

An old miner comes out of the bush ,first time in 6 months so he is looking for hot bath and women.He is walking down the street and meets up with 4 girls in front of the brothel .

They talk him in to coming in side and as he walks in he sees a sign 2hot baths and the perfect 69ner for 26 dollars ,the madam says you will enjoy your time,buy the miner had no clue about a 69ner,but figure the heck with it I am in on this deal.

He gets all washed up and good a looken girl shows him the ropes and they get at it and bam she crakes a big fart right on his nose and he shakes his head back and forth side to side and they continue on.

2 minutes latter she just crakes a wall shaker on the old guy and he pushes her off with tears in his eyes all joked up and says mam your a real doll but I can't take 67 more of them..

[bat119]

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.
David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out. The medical director came to know of David’s heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK.
The doctor said, “David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all.”
David replied, “Doctor, John didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry.”

[Gerry]

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that, in your religion, you're not
supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion. "
The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate... but... "
The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice. "
The two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while.
Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?!"

[Gerry]

A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Johnny Nasty was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.
Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there, son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."
"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[Gerry]

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St Peter asks the first blonde, What is Easter?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that’s easy! Its the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..."
"Wrong!", replies St Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St Peter smiles with delight.
The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

[Gerry]

This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window; my husband is home early!"
The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like crazy out there and I'm naked!" She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outside he was in the middle of a "running marathon," so he started to run along beside the others - only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes over his arm. One of the runners asked, "Do you always run in the nude?" He answered, while gasping for breath, "Oh yes. It feels so freeing
having the air blow over my skin while I'm running." Another runner then asked the nude lover, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" The naked lover answered breathlessly, "Oh yes. That way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car and just go straight home without a shower!" The marathon runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" The nude man answered, "Only if it's raining."

[Gerry]

A priest and a rabbi were talking when the rabbi asked the priest what goes on in the confessional. "I have an idea," said the priest. Why don't you sit with me on my side of the confession booth and hear it for yourself? No one will ever know."
A woman came into the booth and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do?"
"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
"Three times."
"Well," said the priest, "Say 5 Hail Mary’s and put 5 dollars in the offering box."
Another woman came and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do?"
"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
"Three times."
Again the priest said, "Say 5 Hail Mary’s and put 5 dollars in the offering box."
Then the priest said to the rabbi, "would you like to do the next confession?"
The rabbi started to object, but the priest said, "Go ahead. It's easy."
So another woman came in and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned."
This time the rabbi asked, "What did you do?"
"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
The woman said, "Twice."
Then the rabbi said, "Well go do it again. They're 3 for 5 dollars today."

[Red Bullets]

80 year old Ethyl and 82 year old Marg decided to go to bingo across town so they hopped in the big 1973 cadillac that both could barely see over the dashboard.
A few blocks later they hit a red light but Ethyl drives right through. Marg was little shocked but didn't say anything. Two blocks further they hit another red light and again Ethyl drives right through the red. Marg is getting really concerned but figured they were almost there so again she didn't say anything.
About 4 blocks from the bingo parlour Ethyl blasts through another red light.
Marg finally screams, "Ethyl ! You've driven through every red light! You are going to kill us!!"

Ethyl finally stops the car, looks at Marg and retorts," Oh, Was it my turn to drive?"

[bat119]

A man was out in his rowboat when a large speed boat roared by nearly swamping him, in the confusion he lost one of his oars, after floating helpless for an hour a boat with a man and two woman went by.
"Hey Can I borrow one of your oars?"
The man yells back "they're not *****s they're my sisters".

[stuckincity]

My old mother was 74 when she told me this one (she died of cancer at 76, so I'll never forget her last joke). Delete it if ya want.



One day, Superman was flying around the city looking for good deeds to do.
Nothing was happening, when he looked over at a tall building and saw Spider Man tangled up in one of his webs about 20 stories up.

He thought to himself, "Well should I go and help Spider Man?"
Then he thought, "Naw that happened lots of times, he'll be fine."

Then he flew out over the Expressway and looked down and saw the Bat Mobile pulled over on the shoulder, with the hood open, and Batman under the hood working on the engine.

He thought to himself, "Well should I go down and help Batman?"
Then he thought, "Naw. He's been in tighter spots than that, he"ll get out of it."

Nothing was happening in the city, so he decided to fly out over the beach.
Since it was a weekday afternoon, the beach was totally deserted.

All except for Wonder Woman.

She was laying on a beach blanket, with her arms and legs spread out as far as they would go.
Superman looked down and instantly 'got ideas', and thought, "Well should I or shouldn't I?"
He looked around and saw there were no other Superheroes close by,
so he decided, "Yeah. Why not." Then he dived down at super-fast speed, dropping his drawers as he went.

He came down over top of Wonder Woman - and then ONE TWO THREE BANG! and then he flew away at super-fast speed.
The whole thing took less than half a second.

Back down on the beach, Wonder Woman put her arm over her forehead and said, "Oh my gawd! What was THAT?!?"

The Invisible Man said, "I dunno, but it sure hurt my @$$h0le!!"

[Little red riding hood]

Originally Posted by Red Bullets

God says to Adam, “What would you like in a wife?”
“Hmmm,” says Adam, “I’d like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I’d like her to do whatever I tell her to. I’d like her to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me.”
“Hmmmm”, God says, “I can do it, but it’ll cost you an arm and a leg.”
Adam replies “Well what can I get for a rib?”

Hahaha yep! The rest of us would have thanked him forever if he'd made the sacrifice of arm and leg! Good one!

[Little red riding hood]

A 75 year old man joins a nudist club, after check in, he goes for a naked walk on the beach when he sees this stunning blonde wearing nothing but her birthday suit! So he gets a hard on, and she comes trotting up to him and says "excuse me sir, did you call me?" He says no he did not, but she says "but sir, you have an erection, around here that means you've called me" so she takes him by the hand and leads him to a beach towel and lays down and pulls him on top of her! Well.. after he's done he's feeling good, but tired, so he decided to relax in the sauna, so he settles down and let's out a big fart! A minute later a large hairy man enters the sauna and says "excuse me sir, did you call me?" He says no he did not. But the big man says "but you farted, around here that means you've called me" so the big guy bends him over and has his way with him! Afterwards, the old guy stumbled back to the reception area and tells the receptionist "I'm out! You can keep the membership fees I'm gone!" The receptionist says "but sir, you haven't even seen half of our amenities at this club." the old guy replies "lady, I'm 75 years old, I get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here!"

[bat119]

A Japanese Doctor Kensuke can’t find a job in a hospital in the Miami, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside
‘Get treatment for 30 dollars – If not cured get back 150 dollars.’
A vigilant American lawyer Steve thinks this is a great opportunity to earn 150 dollars and goes to the clinic.
Steve: ‘I have lost my sense of taste.’
Kensuke: ‘Nurse,please bring my special medicine from box No. 17 and put 2 drops in patient’s mouth.’
Steve: ‘Ugwh. this is kerosene.’
Kensuke: ‘Congratulations, your sense of taste is restored. 30 dollars please.’
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Steve: ‘I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.’
Kensuke: ‘Nurse, please bring my special medicine from box no. 17 and put 2 drops in patient’s mouth.’
Steve (mad): ‘This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.’
Kensuke: ‘Congratulations. You got your memory back. 30 dollars please.’
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back 150 dollars.
Steve: ‘My eyesight has become very weak I can’t see at all.’
Kensuke: ‘Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this 150 dollars.’
Steve (staring at the banknotes): ‘But this is 30 dollars, not 150 !’
Kensuke: ‘Congratulations, your eyesight is fixed. Give me back 30 dollars which I gave to you and 30 dollars more please

[Red Bullets]

Two Albertans were walking down a country road and noticed that smack dab in the middle of a freshly plowed field there were 2 americans sitting in a boat busy casting their fishing hooks into the dirt field and retrieving and casting again and again.
The one Albertan asked the other, "You think we should go tell them they will never catch fish in the middle of that dirt field?"
The other Albertan replied, "Are you crazy! We don't have a boat!"

[Fish along]

Originally Posted by Red Bullets

Things are looking up...
I went to the grocery store today and this woman was really checking me out......

then she told me my groceries were 22.50

Lovely.22.50 Please...from.. Diary of an Idiot ,lol no I didn't write it,though I may qualify as an idiot lol

[Red Bullets]

"Things are looking up...
I went to the grocery store today and this woman was really checking me out......
then she told me my groceries were 22.50"

Originally Posted by Fish along

Lovely.22.50 Please...from.. Diary of an Idiot ,lol no I didn't write it,though I may qualify as an idiot lol

The woman checking me out was the check out gal. hahahha

[Fish along]

Originally Posted by Red Bullets

"Things are looking up...
I went to the grocery store today and this woman was really checking me out......
then she told me my groceries were 22.50"




The woman checking me out was the check out gal. hahahha

Yes she was in a hurry to check you out,

[Fish along]

A boy who was selling fish, was yelling Dam fish for sale, Dam fish for sale!A pastor heard him and asked why he was saying Dam fish, he replies because I caught them at the local dam.so he buys some and brings them home to his wife and says, cook the dam fish ,she says that his language is unacceptable, and he explains that the fish were caught at the local dam. So later at the dinner table he says to his son pass the dam fish,and the kid says,,that's the spirit dad now pass the f,,,ing potatoes

[Little red riding hood]

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."

[Red Bullets]

Speaking of lawyers... things look bad in the States with the humane society.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XTrhQd9GHlE

[Little red riding hood]

Originally Posted by Red Bullets

Speaking of lawyers... things look bad in the States with the humane society.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XTrhQd9GHlE

Hahaha nice! I like it!

[bat119]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

[Little red riding hood]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse again. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone." The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says...
"Listen very carefully you dumb horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSE ! "

[Alberta Long Range]

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

[Little red riding hood]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick!

[Glion]

Whats smaller than a teeny weeny flea?


A fleas teeny weeny.