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  #31  
Old 02-05-2017, 08:22 AM
Jack Hardin Jack Hardin is offline
 
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A small pony walks into a bar and with a raspy voice says to the bartender, "Just a glass of water, I'm a little hoarse.

A crazy guy goes into a psychiatrist's office wearing only cellophane underwear. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can certainly see you're nuts."
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  #32  
Old 02-05-2017, 08:33 AM
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bat119 bat119 is offline
 
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Two blondes walk into a bar, the brunette ducked
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  #33  
Old 02-05-2017, 09:27 AM
partsman partsman is offline
 
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Location: West Kelowna B.C.
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What did the British Bobby say to the three headed man?



Hello, Hello, Hello.
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  #34  
Old 02-06-2017, 01:59 PM
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Ken07AOVette Ken07AOVette is offline
 
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Location: Alberta
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Talking

So Bushmaster was telling me a story....

"I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that? I asked
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.'
We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?''
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  #35  
Old 02-06-2017, 02:04 PM
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Ken07AOVette Ken07AOVette is offline
 
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Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.

One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.

She puts her foot in and pauses.

She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'

The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know.

I'll come up and see.'

She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood...'

She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
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  #36  
Old 02-06-2017, 02:05 PM
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Ken07AOVette Ken07AOVette is offline
 
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Location: Alberta
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An 80 year old guy walks into a Catholic Church and into the confessional. He tells the Priest that he's been happily married for 55 years, 3 great kids, 7 grandkids, but last night "I had relations with a 23 year old, and we did it every which way possible for 2 hours straight.!"
The Priest asked him, "When was the last time you've been to Confession?"
The old guy says, "Father, I'm Jewish, never been to confession"
The Priest asks, " Well then, why are you telling me this?"
And the old guy exclaims, "heck, I'm telling everyone!"
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  #37  
Old 02-06-2017, 05:14 PM
Skybuster Skybuster is offline
 
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Location: Kelowna B.C.
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A priest stops in to visit an elderly lady from his congregation. She offers him a tea and he accepts. While she is brewing the tea he spies a bowl of nuts on the table and proceeds to eat them. By the time the lady brings him his tea he has polished off the entire bowl.

Feeling a tad guilty he apologizes to the elderly lady,

"Ma'am, I apologize, I ate your entire bowl of nuts."

The elderly lady looks at the empty bowl and shrugs,

"That's okay, I already sucked all the chocolate off 'em."
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  #38  
Old 02-07-2017, 09:34 AM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Onoway, Alberta Beach
Posts: 604
Default Lumber

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?" his parish priest asked.
"Enough to build my own home and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters. And our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance.
Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber
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  #39  
Old 02-07-2017, 09:36 AM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
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Location: Onoway, Alberta Beach
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Default Midget

A guy is in the can standing at the urinal when a little midget comes in and goes to the urinal next to him.
The midget looks over and say's, "Jesus mister, that's the biggest set of balls I've ever seen, can I touch them?"
The guy, both embarrassed and proud say's "I guess so."
The midget says, "I'm going to have to get up on a chair for this"
He gets up on the chair and takes hold of the guy's balls and say's
"OK, now give me your wallet or I'll jump."
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  #40  
Old 02-07-2017, 10:13 AM
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mgvande mgvande is offline
 
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Location: Western alberta
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bb356 View Post


Classic
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  #41  
Old 02-07-2017, 10:17 AM
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mgvande mgvande is offline
 
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Location: Western alberta
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My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
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  #42  
Old 02-07-2017, 01:59 PM
David Henry David Henry is offline
 
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A guy is sitting in a bar and two heavy set gals walk in and order a couple of drinks. He starts to listen in on their conversation but cant quite make out their accents, so he plucks up the courage and goes over to ask them.
Nearing the heavy beamed patrons he says "are you gals from Scotland" one of them snaps back "its Wales"
Ok fine he says "Are you Whales from Scotland"
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  #43  
Old 02-07-2017, 04:37 PM
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Elkaholic338 Elkaholic338 is offline
 
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Location: Wetaskiwin
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Billy goes into a bar in Nfld and orders a drink. While having his drink he notices a large pickled egg jar on the back bar full of cash. He asks the bar tender what its for, and the barman tells him that they have a running challenge in the bar that anyone that wants to try pays 20.00 and if they can complete the tasks they get the jar. Already on his 4th drink he feels adventurous so pays the 20.00 and asks what the tasks are. The bartender says task one is that there is a big biker that comes in every night and is rowdy and mean but the bouncers are afraid of him, so no one can get rid of him. If you can knock him off his barstool with one punch and drag him out of the bar, you can try the other 2 tasks. So Billy has another drink before the biker comes in, then goes over to him and hauls off and punches him and manages to knock him out then drags him out of the bar. after a celebratory drink on the house, the bartender tells him the other 2 tasks; there is a big Rottweiler out back that needs a muzzle put on so we can take him to the vet, but is too mean for anyone to get close to, so you need to get a muzzle on him. then if you can do that, there is a beautiful woman that comes in every night just before closing, we know she's single, but no one has been able to so much as get her #, if you can take her home or even get her to make out with you, you win the money.

Billy has another drink to get up his courage to face the dog, then goes out the back where an awful howling and screaming is heard for quite some time. after about 20 minutes, he comes back in dripping blood from multiple bites and scratches and staggers to the bar and says " now where is that woman that needs the muzzle"?
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  #44  
Old 02-07-2017, 05:04 PM
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Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
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Location: central Alberta
Posts: 12,627
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God walked into a bar. While drinking his wine a woman came up to him and asked, “God, why did you make men so handsome?”

God said: “I did that to make you love them”.

Then the woman asked: “Well, God; why did you make men so strong ?”
God said: “I did that to make you love them”.

The woman then asked: “But God, why did you make men so stupid?”
God said: “I did that to make them love you!”
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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  #45  
Old 02-09-2017, 11:29 AM
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Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
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An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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