Standing at the bar....

[Bushmaster]

I was standing at the bar in Terminal 3 at the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says, "No I don't. And why the heck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little

[Weedy1]

A dyslexic walks into a bra

[waterninja]

I am a certified specialist of all edged weapons. My blades are so sharp that if i cut myself the fellow next to me bleeds and the knife captures his soul. I won my last knife fight by 30 yds.

[Duramaximos]

A nun, a priest, a rabbi, and a monkey all walk into a bar. The bar tender looks down at the group and says: What is this, a joke?

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[catnthehat]

I am a process operator - if you see me running away try to keep up.
Cat

[catnthehat]

A blind man walks into a bar ...OUCH!
Cat

[Puma]

A Moose walks into a bar. Bartender says "Why such a long face ?

[hilt134]

What do you call a bad memnonite poet?



Corny riemer

[Saul Goode]

Originally Posted by Puma

A Moose walks into a bar. Bartender says "Why such a long face ?

Moose says my alcoholism is ruining my families life

[bb356]

[cgs01]

Two men walked into a bar


The third one ducked.

cgs

[stuckincity]

Bubba and Billy-Bob staggered out of a bar near the Marine base and found three live hand grenades in the gutter.
They discussed it and decided they should take them to the police station.

Bubba said, "What if one of them explodes before we get there?"
Billy-Bob said, "Then we'll lie and say we only found two."

[Weedy1]

A toothless termite walks into a bar and asks, "Where's the bar tender?"

[elkdump]

Originally Posted by hilt134

What do you call a bad memnonite poet?



Corny riemer

Hahaha,,



* Why Mennonite won't make love standing up,,

It Could ,, lead to dancing,,,

[Weedy1]

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned to the astonished patrons and said, 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the 'gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.

In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The 'gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.

The 'gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up at the end of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up.

'I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.'

[bat119]

Two guys are sitting at a bar. One guy says to the other, "Do you know that lions have sex 10 or 15 times a night?". The other guy says, "Damn, I just joined the Rotary Club."

[Red Bullets]

A fellow that was lost in the desert for a week finally found civilization and walked into a bar. He sat down next to an old cowboy that had a bowl of chili in front of him.
After ten minutes the fellow asked the old cowboy," I haven't eaten anything in 5 days. If you aren't going to eat that chili do you mind if I had it?" The old cowboy pushed the bowl towards the lost soul and said sure.
The fellow gobbled up the chili and when he got near the bottom of the bowl he noticed a dead mouse in the chili. He instantly threw the chili back up into the bowl and gave the old cowboy a perplexing look.

The old cowboy replied," Yep...that's about as far as I got too."

[overhere]

those are good....lol

[gulfman]

Two West Virginia rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"
The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw somethin' down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."
So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole.
They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them.
They turn around just in time to see a goat come crashing through the underbrush at extremely high speed, run up to the hole and, with absolutely no hesitation, jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up to them.
"Say there," says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert miles an hour and jumped . . . headfirst into this here hole!!"
The old farmer says, "Naw, that's impossible...I had him chained to a transmission."

[arrow dog]

Big meeting of the local sheep ranchers discussing what to do about the local coyote infestation. Government guy stands up and says we want to trap all of them and castrate the male coyotes and release them back onto the wild. This should help control the problem. Old cowboy guy in the back row stands up, adjusts his hat and says; Son, you don't seem to understand. The coyotes we have around here don't want to ****** the sheep, they just want to eat them!!

[Bodien]

Anyone hear the story about the three holes in the ground? Well, well, well.


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[Dewey Cox]

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders three pints of beer.
The bartender brings them, and the guy starts drinking them, one sip at a time, alternating glasses with each sip.
After he finishes his three beer (All at the same time) he orders another round of three.
The bartender says "We're not busy, I can bring you one at a time instead of letting three sit and warm up in the mean time"
The guy explains, "I'd prefer them this way. When my best friends and I moved away from our hometown and went our separate ways, we agreed to always order our beer this way so that we'd remember each other, and the good times we had in our hometown pub."
The bartender was touched, and continued to bring the guy his beer this way for many years, as he became a regular.
One afternoon the guy sits down and order two beer. The whole bar takes notice, and watches as he drinks the two beer in his regular alternating fashion.
The guy orders another two, and the bartender brings them and says "On behalf of me and the rest of the bar, you have our deepest sympathies. We can only assume you've lost one of your dear friends."
The guy responds
"Oh, everyone is fine.
But I've quit drinking."

[clock5849]

When you walk in a bar in Halifax, how can you tell which patrons just had Mooseheads?

They have antler marks on their thighs!

[hilt134]

Originally Posted by elkdump

Hahaha,,



* Why Mennonite won't make love standing up,,

It Could ,, lead to dancing,,,

Whats the diffrence between a mennonite and a hutterite?


... a mennonites to cheap to buy the uniform.

[Xbolt7mm]

So,,,,,this baby seal walks into club

[Dewey Cox]

Baby seal walks into a bar.
"What will you have?"
"Anything but a Canadian club"

[bb356]

Originally Posted by arrow dog

Big meeting of the local sheep ranchers discussing what to do about the local coyote infestation. Government guy stands up and says we want to trap all of them and castrate the male coyotes and release them back onto the wild. This should help control the problem. Old cowboy guy in the back row stands up, adjusts his hat and says; Son, you don't seem to understand. The coyotes we have around here don't want to ****** the sheep, they just want to eat them!!

[270person]

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender comes over and says "Hey, we make a drink in here named after you." Grasshopper looks at the bartender and says "Murray?"

[Dean2]

gulfman - that was funny as hell. Damn near woke up the house I was laughing so hard
.

Guy goes out hunting and is sneaking quietly down a trail when he comes to a clearing. Sees a real big bear in the clearing near a large rock, so figures, good deal. Lines up on the bear and takes a shot. Recovers from the recoil, no bear in sight. Figures great, I got him. Goes out to the rock to claim his trophy. As he is looking around he feels a TAP! Tap! Tap! on his shoulder. Well, there stands the bear who says, you just tried to kill me didn't you. Hunter says, well yes, that is what hunters do. The bear says you have two choices, I kill you or you bend over that rock and let me have my way with you.

Hunter limps slowly out of the bush to his car. A couple of days later goes to the sporting goods store and says give me the biggest gun you have. Sales guy says, well we have a 460 Weatherby, largest commercially made rifle available. Hunter takes one and heads back to the clearing. Sure enough bear is there b y the big rock. Says to himself, I got you now you cracker Hill Billy bear. Lines up and WHOOMP. After the dust and recoil, no bear in sight. Walks out to claim his prize. Tap! Tap! Tap! on his shoulder. Bear looks at him and says you again. Well you know the deal. Bear REALLY has his way with him this time.

Hunter can barely limp out to his truck. Goes straight to sporting goods store. Says to clerk, I need something bigger. Clerk says there is nothing bigger. Hunter says what about that bazooka up there. Clerk says you can't hunt with that, there won't be anything left of what you shoot. Hunter says PERFECT, I'll take it.

After a few days Hunter heads back out to the clearing and sure enough there is MR Bear. He lines up the Bazooka and touches it off. Well there is dirt and rock and flaming bits of stuff flying everywhere. Hunter says, that will teach you, you SOB. Heads out to have a look around. All of a sudden feels Tap! Tap! Tap! on his shoulder. He turns around and sure enough there is Mr Bear. Bear says to him with a smile, you aren't really out here for the hunting are you?

[Ranch11]

So this doe walks outta the woods and says "I'll never do that for two bucks again"