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10-15-2018, 10:15 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: central Alberta
Posts: 12,629
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Security
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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10-16-2018, 02:50 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: On the border in Lloydminster
Posts: 8,371
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Grilled chicken
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10-28-2018, 04:10 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: central Alberta
Posts: 12,629
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Collie dogs then and now. Well played Collie, Well played.
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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10-28-2018, 04:19 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: central Alberta
Posts: 12,629
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Horses then and now. Well played horses, well played.
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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10-30-2018, 08:23 PM
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Banned
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: YEG
Posts: 9,981
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10-30-2018, 08:24 PM
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Banned
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: YEG
Posts: 9,981
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The wedding ceremony came to the point where the minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.
The moment of utter silence was broken when a beautiful young woman carrying a child stood up. She starts walking slowly towards the minister.
The congregation was aghast - you could almost hear a pin drop.
The groom's jaw dropped as he stared in disbelief at the approaching young woman and child.
Chaos ensued.
The bride threw the bouquet into the air and burst out crying.
Then the groom's mother fainted.
The best man and the ushers started giving each other looks and wondering how to save the situation.
The minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
There was absolute silence in the church.
The woman replied, "We can't hear you in the back."
And that illustrates what happens when people are considered guilty until proven innocent.
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10-30-2018, 08:25 PM
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Banned
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: YEG
Posts: 9,981
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...they’ve been friends for a long time.
One day the chicken wakes up to this screaming and runs out of the farmer's house only to find the horse in a pit of mud sinking.
Chicken says, “holy ****, how the **** did you end up in here?”
Horse explains “I’m eating a little food, a little hay…next thing you know I’m sinking in the mud.”
So what happens? Chicken runs over to the farmer's house and gets the farmers BMW. Now it’s an 850, all black, waxed to perfection, all leather interior – it’s ****ing gorgeous. Hops in it, drives back over, ties a rope to the car and pulls his friend to safety.
The horse is grateful and says “anytime you need me, I’ll be there."
So what happens? About a week later, same thing only this time it’s the chicken sinking in a pit of mud.
Horse gallops over, sees his pal sinking in the mud, takes off to the farmer’s house but he can’t drive the BMW, runs back over, whips out his dick and the chicken climbs to safety.
Moral of the story – if you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks!
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10-30-2018, 08:26 PM
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Banned
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: YEG
Posts: 9,981
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DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!!!!
What's the difference between Iron Man and iron woman
One is a super hero the other is a simple instruction.
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10-30-2018, 08:28 PM
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Banned
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: YEG
Posts: 9,981
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This Sunday is going to be good day for dyslexic men,
Don't forget your c_o_c_k_s go black.
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10-30-2018, 08:29 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Calgary
Posts: 738
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The youngster said to her mother.......I know that you are 37 years old!
How do you know that, asked Mom.
Because I looked at your drivers license......and I also know why Dad divorced you!!
And why was that, asked Mom.
Because according to your license, you got an F in Sex!
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10-30-2018, 09:03 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: On the border in Lloydminster
Posts: 8,371
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Don't drive high!
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10-30-2018, 10:29 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: With my dogs
Posts: 4,545
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RandyBoBandy
DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!!!!
What's the difference between Iron Man and iron woman
One is a super hero the other is a simple instruction.
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Is it ironic, then, that Ironman is a Fe-male?
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alacringa
"This Brittany is my most cherished possession — the darndest bird-finder I have ever seen, a tough and wiry little dog with a choke-bored nose and the ability to read birds’ minds." -Jack O'Connor
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10-31-2018, 09:13 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: On the border in Lloydminster
Posts: 8,371
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Happy Halloween!
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11-04-2018, 10:38 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Calgary
Posts: 2,319
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Herman is having a bad day:
He tried to fasten his collar, and the button came off.
He picked up his brief case and the handle fell off.
He tried to open the door and the knob came off in his hand.
He turned on his windshield wipers and one flew away off to the side of the road.
Now, he's afraid to pee!
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11-10-2018, 09:52 AM
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Banned
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: YEG
Posts: 9,981
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A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England.
She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
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11-11-2018, 02:18 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 3,428
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How not to move a boat with a forklift:
https://imgur.com/gallery/OYhzlO8
__________________
“One of the sad signs of our times is that we have demonized those who produce, subsidized those who refuse to produce, and canonized those who complain.” - Thomas Sowell
“We seem to be getting closer and closer to a situation where nobody is responsible for what they did but we are all responsible for what somebody else did.”- Thomas Sowell
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11-15-2018, 08:36 PM
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Banned
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: YEG
Posts: 9,981
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"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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11-19-2018, 08:55 PM
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Banned
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: YEG
Posts: 9,981
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3 eggs 2 pieces of bacon and 2 pieces of toast walk into a bar, Bartender says "sorry we don't serve breakfast!"
2 radio antennaes got married, the wedding was good but the reception was excellent!!!
what did the baby corn say to the momma corn? wheres popcorn?
my friend thinks he's so smart, he says onions are the only food that make you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face!!!!!! my favourite
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11-19-2018, 08:57 PM
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Banned
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: YEG
Posts: 9,981
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Wee Stump inn
Two executives were deep in a Highland forest, on an adventure weekend
arranged by their firm. Neither had any real map-reading skills and they
became separated from the other members of their team. All they knew was
that the final rendezvous point was a remote pub called, 'The Wee Stump
Inn.'
They trudged through the woods for hours, hopelessly lost until they came
to what looked like a fork in the forestry trail. They couldn't agree on
which path to take. Eventually, they decided to take one path each. They
shook hands and resolved that the last man back to the pub would pay for
the drinks.
Four hours later, the man that chose the correct fork was sitting at the
pub fireside, enjoying his pint, when his friend staggered in. He was cut,
bleeding, battered and bruised as if he had been mugged by a rugby team.
Once the men in the pub got the man settled, he explained, "I must have
gone around in circles for hours, until I heard the sound of an idling car
engine. I headed toward the sound and found a car in a clearing at the end
of what looked like a 'lovers lane'. The car was all steamed up and I
couldn't see who was inside, but I could hear more than one voice. So, I
thought that I could ask for directions and I knocked on the driver's
window. Now, the man in the car must have been a complete psychopath,
because as soon as I asked him, 'How far is the Wee Stump Inn?' he jumped out of the car and beat the s**t out of me!"
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11-20-2018, 07:57 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Calgary
Posts: 1,818
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Where do watermelons go for holidays?
John Cougar's Mellencamp!
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11-20-2018, 08:54 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: southeast alberta
Posts: 1,183
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.....
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11-20-2018, 05:42 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: central Alberta
Posts: 12,629
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A burglar broke into a house one night. As he shined his flashlight around looking for valuables when he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"
He nearly jumped out of his skin, froze and shut his flashlight off. He didn't hear anything else so he turned his flashlight back on and continued to rob the house. When he was moving the stereo to take again he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"
He frantically shone his flashlight around the room until he saw a parrot in the corner of the room. He asked,"Did you say that you stupid bird?" The bird replied, " Yes, I was just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you."
The burglar barked back..."Warn me? Who are you to tell me this?" The parrot piped up, "I am Moses." The thief laughed and said, "Who would name their bird Moses? haha."
The bird chuckled back.."The same people who named their pitbull Jesus!"
__________________
___________________________________________
This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
___________________________________________
It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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11-20-2018, 10:07 PM
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 941
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First and foremost hope all you farmers had a good year and were able to get your crops off. No offence to any farmers. I did grow up on a farm in Saskatchewan. Remember it’s just a joke. Lol
2 escorts met for coffee the morning after a night of work. The one escort says to the other “well how was your night”. She replies “well I had a farmer last night”. “And how do you know he was a farmer” she asks. “Well first he complained that it was too wet, then he complained it was too dry, then the bastard offered to pay me in the Fall”. 😬
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11-20-2018, 10:30 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Camrose
Posts: 45,164
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Three fellows from Newfoundland and three from Quebec are headed for jobs in Alberta. They are traveling by train and each fellow from Quebec buys a ticket, but only one fellow from Newfoundland buys a ticket. The fellows from Quebec ask why only one ticket for the three of them, and a Newfoundlander replies "watch and learn".When they see the conductor coming the fellows from Newfoundland climb into a washroom, and when the conductor asks for a ticket, the door opens a crack and out comes the ticket. They work for a month and are headed back East for a month off, and when they get to the train station, the fellows from Quebec buy only one ticket. Then they notice that the Newfoundlanders don't buy any tickets at all. One of the fellows from Quebec asks why they didn't buy a ticket and is told to "watch and learn" They get on the train and one of the Newfoundlanders says" here comes the conductor" , and the three fellows from Quebec all get in a washroom. One of the Newfoundlanders sneaks over to the washroom and imitates the conductor saying "tickets please". The door opens a crack , out comes the ticket, and off go the Newfoundlanders into the next washroom with the ticket, just as the conductor comes around asking for tickets.
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Only accurate guns are interesting.
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11-20-2018, 11:02 PM
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 941
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Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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11-20-2018, 11:31 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: central Alberta
Posts: 12,629
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Bear hunters camo, or the coat to wear to a vegetarian event or the dog park.
__________________
___________________________________________
This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
___________________________________________
It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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11-21-2018, 04:07 PM
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calgary
Posts: 5,144
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Meet Walter Barnes!
All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.
"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any!" he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them *******s."
Then he calmly returned to his seat.
__________________
Former Ford Fan
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11-24-2018, 10:04 AM
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Banned
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: YEG
Posts: 9,981
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Been watching women’s golf on the TV this morning...
They don’t appear to be very good at driving but they’re great with an iron.
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11-24-2018, 04:55 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Camrose
Posts: 45,164
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__________________
Only accurate guns are interesting.
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11-25-2018, 10:21 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: central Alberta
Posts: 12,629
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.
__________________
___________________________________________
This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
___________________________________________
It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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