humor
Tools explained
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DRILL PRESS :
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL :
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, sh*t!"
SKILL SAW :
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS :
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER :
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW :
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VICE-GRIPS :
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH :
Used almost entirely for setting on fire, various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW :
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW :
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more
easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your new shirt;
but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
FLAT BLADED SCREWDRIVER :
A tool for opening paint cans. If the flat bladed screwdriver is owned by a hopeless "toolie" who prides himself on the cleanliness of his prisitne tools,
it may be used as a paint stirrer. Also sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws by butchering the slots.
PRY BAR :
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding of that clip or bracket you needed to remove, in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER :
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER :
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object
we are trying to hit. Also contains a special magic ingredient that enables it to twist at the last second and strike "the nail right on the thumb" (but only when you're up a ladder, and using your free hand to cling on).
STANLEY KNIFE :
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats,
vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes,
but only while in use. Great at removing stubborn ends of fingers.
'F#@KING THING' TOOL :
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "F#@king thing" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often,
the next tool that you will need. Yes, the dog/cat/person who just happened into the path of the missile will always duck in time (mostly).
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