Joke time

[stuckincity]

Originally Posted by Unregistered user

......The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped! "

Whole post Copied, Pasted, and sent to SFRs (single female relatives).

[norwestalta]

This old farmer comes into the house carrying a sheep in his arms. He walks into the bedroom where his wife is reading her book and says " this is the pig I've been !@#$ing for the last ten years.
Wife puts the book down and laughs " you silly ol bigger that's a sheep not a pig"
He replied " shut up I wasn't talking to you"

[bamahuntnfool]

Originally Posted by norwestalta

This old farmer comes into the house carrying a sheep in his arms. He walks into the bedroom where his wife is reading her book and says " this is the pig I've been !@#$ing for the last ten years.
Wife puts the book down and laughs " you silly ol bigger that's a sheep not a pig"
He replied " shut up I wasn't talking to you"

LOL...

[rwm1273]

WALKING ON THE GRASS
> The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
>
> The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
> Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles
> and will make delivery that much easier.
>
> Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft
> surface like grass or a path."
>
> "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you
> to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good
> for you both."
>
> The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this
> information.
>
> After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room,
> slowly raised his hand.
>
> "Yes?" said the Instructor.
>
> "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf
> bag while we walk?"

[norwestalta]

Lenard goes to the doctor and the doc asked"what can I help you with today?"
Lenard replied" my penis is orange"
Doc has a look and asked"can you tell me about your daily routine?"
Lenard replied" well doc I sit around the house eating cheesies and watching porn"

[stuckincity]

How do you get a sweet old lady to say the "F" word.
Get another sweet old lady to yell "BINGO!"

[Rumtan]

Peter and James have been friends for more than sixty years. One day Peter says, "James, let's make a pact: whoever dies first will try to come back and tell the other what heaven's like."
They both agree, but none too soon, because the next day James is done in by a sudden heart attack.
Six months later, just when Pete is giving up any hope of hearing from his friend, a voice wakes him up in the middle of the night.
"James, is that you?" Peter asks in amazement.
"You're right, you're not wrong," James answers....
"Well, tell me. What's it like?"
"You wouldn't believe it. All day long, all we do is eat and screw. We get up in the morning, eat breakfast, and screw, then we eat lunch and screw until dinner. After dinner we screw some more. We screw until we pass out, then we wake up and screw some more," James explains.
"Holy crap!" exclaims Peter. "If that's heaven, I can't wait to die!"
"Who said anything about heaven?" a perplexed James replies. "I'm in Nevada and I'm a rabbit."

[fargoni]

Cold nights are a bit warmer if you are with your love partner, and a lot merrier if you set him/her on fire.

[stuckincity]

Just got this in a email a few minutes ago....


Your funny for the day.

Liberal party leader Justin Trudeau attended the Assembly of First Nations annual summer meeting in Whitehorse.
Trudeau said he wasn’t there to speak to the chiefs but to listen. Then he spoke for almost two hours on his success in bringing the Liberal Party back into the hearts of the Canadian people, and how he was going to legalize marijuana, and the many ways that he was going to help the First Nations.
At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd cheered wildly, and then the head of the First Nations Band presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

A very proud and pleased Justin then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter from CBC later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Justin Trudeau .
They explained that 'Walking Eagle' is the name given to a bird so full of shxxxxxxx that it can no longer fly.

[fishtank]

[wildcat111]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.


After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .... Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man For this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it
takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her
brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to kill him with the chair!

[hayseed]

Originally Posted by Unregistered user

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said, "So why are you here?"
The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a ****er. I **** on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.
But the final straw was last night when I ****ed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do ? "
"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and she was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"
The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped! "

Lmfao!!!!

[Redfrog]

[stuckincity]

Originally Posted by Redfrog

[Northern Bob]

A friend email this to me a while ago.

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.
The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.
So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs"

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.
She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a Golf Course?"

[Rumtan]

Oh sure when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a Sledge Hammer it's "Art". When I do it, they say I'm drunk and have to leave Rona

[nekred]

Willy sees Angus in the graveyard pi$$ing all over Donal's brand new grave....

Willy says to Angus WTH I thought you guys were good friends...

Angus says "Aye we always were the best of friends since we were wee lads"

Willy says: "Well Laddy then why are you pi$$ing on his grave"

Angus says " Before he died Donal gave me a 100 year old bottle of Scotch that he could not bear to drink as to was too expensive and asked me to pour it on his grave and we were such good friends I knew he would not mind if I filtered it through meself first"

[Red Bullets]

A guy got stranded in an elevator with a beautiful woman. After being in the elevator for a few hours, the woman looked over at the guy and seductively said,"Hey big guy. Looks like we're going to be in here all night long. Why don't you make me feel like a woman?"

His eyes lit up and he ripped off his clothes....
Then handed the clothes to the woman....

And said," OK, FOLD EM!"

[mxz1997]

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,"
the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry layin' out there, and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"

[Redfrog]

Originally Posted by Rumtan

Oh sure when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a Sledge Hammer it's "Art". When I do it, they say I'm drunk and have to leave Rona

Now that is funny!!

[stuckincity]

The Nag

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about: "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it".
And on and on and on and.......

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

She said, "They're not hanging Wright tonight".

He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!?"

[Redfrog]

A police recruit was asked during the exam,

'What would you do if you had to arrest your own

Mother?'

He answered, 'Call for backup.'

[Unregistered user]

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the pharmacist
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The pharmacist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

[forny812]

A professor at the University of British Columbia was giving a lecture
On 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to
Lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what
Your ***hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

[Red Bullets]

The states are sure cutting back.

[Travis15]

Originally Posted by Rumtan

Oh sure when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a Sledge Hammer it's "Art". When I do it, they say I'm drunk and have to leave Rona

Haha sounds about right.

[Red Bullets]

"Moses, quit screwin' around!"

[stuckincity]

During a recent publicity outing, a politician's wife sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the wife stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?"

[pophouseman]

[Unregistered user]

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."