Go Back   Alberta Outdoorsmen Forum > Main Category > General Discussion

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #91  
Old 02-09-2018, 04:49 PM
Sundog57 Sundog57 is online now
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 651
Default

Bloodhound missed one back there
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs with his head jammed in your door frame - Jimmy

Old fellow's driving down the road one day and he sees a neighbour trudging along the shoulder carrying a big bag.
The old fellow stops and picks him and on they go.
Gets to the end of the neighbour's lane to drop him off, says that bag looks heavy.
Neighbour says "Yeah it's a couple of big bottles of wine, got 'em for the wife"
Driver thinks for a few seconds, looks over and says "Good trade"
Reply With Quote
  #92  
Old 02-09-2018, 04:58 PM
Red Bullets's Avatar
Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: central Alberta
Posts: 12,627
Default

Marriage is the only institution where a man loses his bachelor's degree & the woman gains her masters.
__________________
___________________________________________
This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
___________________________________________
It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
Reply With Quote
  #93  
Old 02-09-2018, 04:58 PM
Sundog57 Sundog57 is online now
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 651
Default

Young fellow gets a summer job as a life guard.
Spends all day roaming up and down the beach, but no girls will give him the time of day. Finally he goes over to one of the older lifeguards who seems to be a real hit with the ladies, girls are hanging all over his stand all day.
The poor newbie tells him about his problem and says "what's the secret"
The older guy gives him a wink and says "tomorrow before you hit the beach shove a potato down your swim trunks, it'll draws girls like flies"
So the next morning the young guy goes to work, puts the potato in his shorts and heads out on the beach.
Instead drawing the women, people are pointing at him and laughing.
Finally he goes over to his friend and says "I got the spud in me trunks but it doesn't seem to be working"
The older guy looks him up and down and puts his hand over his face "Jesus, he says.... the spud goes in the front"
Reply With Quote
  #94  
Old 02-09-2018, 05:07 PM
270person 270person is offline
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Edmonton
Posts: 6,496
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Big Sky View Post
What do you call a woman who has one leg longer than the other leg?



Eileen


And if she's Asian her name is Irene.
Reply With Quote
  #95  
Old 02-09-2018, 05:13 PM
Red Bullets's Avatar
Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: central Alberta
Posts: 12,627
Default

A man and woman dated for a long time and they were both very self conscious about something. She had stinky feet, and he had bad breath.
They would always try to avoid situations where these flaws would be found out by the other person.
Finally , one day the man asks the woman to marry him. She is concerned that now he will for sure find out about her stinky feet. And he was very worried that she would for sure find out he had bad breath.

The first night laying in their bed he pipes up and says, " Honey, I love you dearly but I have been keeping a secret from you. I need to reveal the secret."

She says," I think I know what your secret is, ... You ate my socks."
__________________
___________________________________________
This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
___________________________________________
It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
Reply With Quote
  #96  
Old 02-09-2018, 08:51 PM
Fish along's Avatar
Fish along Fish along is offline
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Camrose county
Posts: 3,489
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sundog57 View Post
Bloodhound missed one back there
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs with his head jammed in your door frame - Jimmy

Old fellow's driving down the road one day and he sees a neighbour trudging along the shoulder carrying a big bag.
The old fellow stops and picks him and on they go.
Gets to the end of the neighbour's lane to drop him off, says that bag looks heavy.
Neighbour says "Yeah it's a couple of big bottles of wine, got 'em for the wife"
Driver thinks for a few seconds, looks over and says "Good trade"
Got a bargain lol
__________________
If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
Reply With Quote
  #97  
Old 02-09-2018, 08:52 PM
Fish along's Avatar
Fish along Fish along is offline
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Camrose county
Posts: 3,489
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Red Bullets View Post
A man and woman dated for a long time and they were both very self conscious about something. She had stinky feet, and he had bad breath.
They would always try to avoid situations where these flaws would be found out by the other person.
Finally , one day the man asks the woman to marry him. She is concerned that now he will for sure find out about her stinky feet. And he was very worried that she would for sure find out he had bad breath.

The first night laying in their bed he pipes up and says, " Honey, I love you dearly but I have been keeping a secret from you. I need to reveal the secret."

She says," I think I know what your secret is, ... You ate my socks."
Bahaha good one
__________________
If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
Reply With Quote
  #98  
Old 02-09-2018, 11:20 PM
Red Bullets's Avatar
Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: central Alberta
Posts: 12,627
Default

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. When can I go home?"
__________________
___________________________________________
This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
___________________________________________
It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
Reply With Quote
  #99  
Old 02-10-2018, 03:03 AM
Tactical Lever Tactical Lever is offline
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Fox Creek
Posts: 3,315
Default

Fiona and Angus were enjoying some private courting time, overlooking the loch and holding hands. Fiona says: "Penny fer yer thoughts, Angus?"

Angus blurts: "I ken yer the bonniest lass I ever did lay eyes, and It'd be an treat to hold you!" Riddy now, Fiona leans into him, and they embrace.

After a short spell, once again the female has to ask: "Penny for yer thoughts?"
Angus pauses, and says: "I'd be inclined to give ye a wee tirl..."

Blushing a bit more now, Fiona plants lips on Angus, and they kiss for a spell. Angus is quiet now, so Fiona sweetly breathes: "Penny fer yer thoughts Angus?"

Fiona squirms a bit, awaiting a bolder request from Angus. Brow furrowed, Angus finally replies to a breathless Fiona: "I dinnae... dinye ken it's time the first penny is due??"
__________________
Profanity and name calling are poor substitutes for education and logic.

Survivor of the dread covid
Pureblood!
Reply With Quote
  #100  
Old 02-10-2018, 07:59 AM
TBark's Avatar
TBark TBark is offline
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Fort Sask, AB
Posts: 4,910
Default

True story,
We are living here in Australia for a spell, great weather, great condo, pool etc.
The wife goes to church on Sunday and a few weeks ago she asks me if I would like to go with her, she knows the people and they are friendly and of all ages. I said “ thanks but you go, I would watch my NHL app in the AM and I may golf after lunch” so off she goes, the wife usually texts me by noon to tell me if she’s coming right back or if she’s going for lunch or shopping or whatever.
She texts me at noon and says she has a few ladies interested in coming back to the condo for a swim in the pool.
Hm. Ok now I gotta ask who these ladies are as my wife know ladies from 20 years old to 70 years old.
So I text her, “will these ladies be bringing their bikini’s or their walkers”?
Wife texts “ha ha” and says “hang on a sec” a few seconds later she texts “ Ethel and Mildred say they will bring both”
I text’d back, “I’m going golfing “

TBark
Reply With Quote
  #101  
Old 02-10-2018, 10:15 AM
Fish along's Avatar
Fish along Fish along is offline
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Camrose county
Posts: 3,489
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TBark View Post
True story,
We are living here in Australia for a spell, great weather, great condo, pool etc.
The wife goes to church on Sunday and a few weeks ago she asks me if I would like to go with her, she knows the people and they are friendly and of all ages. I said “ thanks but you go, I would watch my NHL app in the AM and I may golf after lunch” so off she goes, the wife usually texts me by noon to tell me if she’s coming right back or if she’s going for lunch or shopping or whatever.
She texts me at noon and says she has a few ladies interested in coming back to the condo for a swim in the pool.
Hm. Ok now I gotta ask who these ladies are as my wife know ladies from 20 years old to 70 years old.
So I text her, “will these ladies be bringing their bikini’s or their walkers”?
Wife texts “ha ha” and says “hang on a sec” a few seconds later she texts “ Ethel and Mildred say they will bring both”
I text’d back, “I’m going golfing “

TBark
Some of the funniest things happen in real life.
__________________
If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
Reply With Quote
  #102  
Old 02-10-2018, 11:20 AM
270person 270person is offline
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Edmonton
Posts: 6,496
Default

I was looking for a fast way to lose some weight and heard about some new Jenny Craig programs. I called the company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. Weight loss.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there, before me stands a voluptuous, athletic, 22 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me". Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later, Huffing and puffing, I finally gave up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, I weighed myself and am delighted to find I lost 10 lbs. As promised.

I called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
Stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in my life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around Her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, I'm out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and I do my best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens and I'm gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I discover that I have lost another 20 lbs. As promised.

So I decide to go for broke and called the company to order The 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on. "This is our
most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," I reply, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I open it theres a huge muscular black guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,

"If I catch you,... You're mine."

I lost 63 pounds that week.
Reply With Quote
  #103  
Old 02-10-2018, 11:54 AM
Red Bullets's Avatar
Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: central Alberta
Posts: 12,627
Default

A gynecologist was suffering from work burnout and decided to consider a new career. He thought of what he could do and enjoy. He thought that I really enjoyed automotive mechanics in high school so he enrolled in tech school. The year at school came and went as they do and he was faced with the final exam. He completed the exam and when he got his marks he was astounded. He goes back to his instructor and says" I can see the 100% but I cannot understand the 150%." The instructor says "Well it is this way. 50% for taking the engine apart, 50% for putting the engine back together and running and 50% for doing it thru the tailpipe."
__________________
___________________________________________
This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
___________________________________________
It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
Reply With Quote
  #104  
Old 02-10-2018, 11:56 AM
Red Bullets's Avatar
Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: central Alberta
Posts: 12,627
Default

A dying grandfather, having no sons or grandsons, tells his granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the buildings, the livestock, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse, and $2,398,750 in cash."

The granddaughter, absolutely floored, says, "Oh Grandfather, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With his last dying breath, the girl's grandfather whispered... "on facebook".
__________________
___________________________________________
This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
___________________________________________
It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
Reply With Quote
  #105  
Old 02-10-2018, 11:59 AM
Red Bullets's Avatar
Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: central Alberta
Posts: 12,627
Default

Two Newfies were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this
flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'
The blonde took out a crescent wrench from her bag, loosened a few
bolts and laid the flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and
announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height
and she gives us the length.'
__________________
___________________________________________
This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
___________________________________________
It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
Reply With Quote
  #106  
Old 02-10-2018, 12:12 PM
pikergolf's Avatar
pikergolf pikergolf is offline
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 11,285
Default

DRILL PRESS :
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL :
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, sh*t!"

SKILL SAW :
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS :
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER :
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW :
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS :
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH :
Used almost entirely for setting on fire, various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW :
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.


BAND SAW :
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your new shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

FLAT BLADED SCREWDRIVER :
A tool for opening paint cans. If the flat bladed screwdriver is owned by a hopeless "toolie" who prides himself on the cleanliness of his pristine tools, it may be used as a paint stirrer. Also sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws by butchering the slots.

PRY BAR :
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding of that clip or bracket you needed to remove, in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER :
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER :
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Also contains a special magic ingredient that enables it to twist at the last second and strike "the wrong nail" (but only when you up a ladder, and using your free hand to cling on).

STANLEY KNIFE :
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. Great at removing stubborn ends of fingers.

'F#@KING THING' TOOL :
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "F#@king thing" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. Yes, the dog/cat/person who just happened into the path of the missile will always duck in time (mostly).
__________________
“One of the sad signs of our times is that we have demonized those who produce, subsidized those who refuse to produce, and canonized those who complain.”

Thomas Sowell
Reply With Quote
  #107  
Old 02-10-2018, 12:26 PM
270person 270person is offline
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Edmonton
Posts: 6,496
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by pikergolf View Post
.

The table saw explanation? Priceless. Been there. Oh yes I have.
Reply With Quote
  #108  
Old 02-10-2018, 03:08 PM
Glion Glion is offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 560
Default

Man heads out hunting with his dog, he shoots a racoon up in a tree but it doesn't die. Rather it falls from the tree and before he can do anything his dog runs over and humps it to death. Shocked the man decides to see if this would happen again. Sure enough the next day he drops an injured racoon from a tree and the dog rushes over and humps it to death.
Now the hunter calls up his buddies to show them his remarkable dog. He heads out with a couple buddies until he spots a racoon. So he shoots the branch to knock it out of the tree but the racoon doesn't fall. Fearing to disappoint his friends and be called a liar he starts to climb the tree to try knock the racoon down. As he is reaching for the racoon he feels the branch he is on break. In a mad panic as he is falling he yells to his friends "Shoot the Dog!!!"
Reply With Quote
  #109  
Old 02-10-2018, 04:58 PM
TBark's Avatar
TBark TBark is offline
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Fort Sask, AB
Posts: 4,910
Default

Red,
I heard the flagpole one but after the blonde measures it she stood it back up into position and says to Paddy and Mick, “an 18’ ladder will do”
So Mick and Paddy went in search for an 18’ ladder.

TBark
Reply With Quote
  #110  
Old 02-10-2018, 07:35 PM
Fish along's Avatar
Fish along Fish along is offline
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Camrose county
Posts: 3,489
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by pikergolf View Post
DRILL PRESS :
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL :
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, sh*t!"

SKILL SAW :
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS :
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER :
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW :
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS :
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH :
Used almost entirely for setting on fire, various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW :
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.


BAND SAW :
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your new shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

FLAT BLADED SCREWDRIVER :
A tool for opening paint cans. If the flat bladed screwdriver is owned by a hopeless "toolie" who prides himself on the cleanliness of his pristine tools, it may be used as a paint stirrer. Also sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws by butchering the slots.

PRY BAR :
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding of that clip or bracket you needed to remove, in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER :
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER :
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Also contains a special magic ingredient that enables it to twist at the last second and strike "the wrong nail" (but only when you up a ladder, and using your free hand to cling on).

STANLEY KNIFE :
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. Great at removing stubborn ends of fingers.

'F#@KING THING' TOOL :
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "F#@king thing" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. Yes, the dog/cat/person who just happened into the path of the missile will always duck in time (mostly).
I can relate to (99% ) of this lol,I remember one time putting a sanding disc built for 3/8 drill into a router for more speed lol,I turned it on and all I could remember was something sticking into my legs,superficial wounds, lucky I guess the thing just disintegrated .Great post.
__________________
If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
Reply With Quote
  #111  
Old 02-10-2018, 07:36 PM
Fish along's Avatar
Fish along Fish along is offline
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Camrose county
Posts: 3,489
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Glion View Post
Man heads out hunting with his dog, he shoots a racoon up in a tree but it doesn't die. Rather it falls from the tree and before he can do anything his dog runs over and humps it to death. Shocked the man decides to see if this would happen again. Sure enough the next day he drops an injured racoon from a tree and the dog rushes over and humps it to death.
Now the hunter calls up his buddies to show them his remarkable dog. He heads out with a couple buddies until he spots a racoon. So he shoots the branch to knock it out of the tree but the racoon doesn't fall. Fearing to disappoint his friends and be called a liar he starts to climb the tree to try knock the racoon down. As he is reaching for the racoon he feels the branch he is on break. In a mad panic as he is falling he yells to his friends "Shoot the Dog!!!"
Good one lol
__________________
If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
Reply With Quote
  #112  
Old 02-10-2018, 07:40 PM
Fish along's Avatar
Fish along Fish along is offline
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Camrose county
Posts: 3,489
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Glion View Post
Man heads out hunting with his dog, he shoots a racoon up in a tree but it doesn't die. Rather it falls from the tree and before he can do anything his dog runs over and humps it to death. Shocked the man decides to see if this would happen again. Sure enough the next day he drops an injured racoon from a tree and the dog rushes over and humps it to death.
Now the hunter calls up his buddies to show them his remarkable dog. He heads out with a couple buddies until he spots a racoon. So he shoots the branch to knock it out of the tree but the racoon doesn't fall. Fearing to disappoint his friends and be called a liar he starts to climb the tree to try knock the racoon down. As he is reaching for the racoon he feels the branch he is on break. In a mad panic as he is falling he yells to his friends "Shoot the Dog!!!"
Lol.funny
__________________
If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
Reply With Quote
  #113  
Old 02-10-2018, 07:44 PM
Fish along's Avatar
Fish along Fish along is offline
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Camrose county
Posts: 3,489
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Red Bullets View Post
Two Newfies were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this
flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'
The blonde took out a crescent wrench from her bag, loosened a few
bolts and laid the flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and
announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height
and she gives us the length.'
Good jokes Red thanks for sharing them,the world would be a a pretty dull place without humor.
__________________
If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
Reply With Quote
  #114  
Old 02-10-2018, 08:14 PM
Norwest Alta Norwest Alta is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 3,666
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fish along View Post
I can relate to (99% ) of this lol,I remember one time putting a sanding disc built for 3/8 drill into a router for more speed lol,I turned it on and all I could remember was something sticking into my legs,superficial wounds, lucky I guess the thing just disintegrated .Great post.
Haha. I won't tell you about the skill saw blade on the weed eater trick.
Reply With Quote
  #115  
Old 02-10-2018, 08:50 PM
Fish along's Avatar
Fish along Fish along is offline
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Camrose county
Posts: 3,489
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Norwest Alta View Post
Haha. I won't tell you about the skill saw blade on the weed eater trick.
Hey I've have thought of doing this ,come on tell us lol
__________________
If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
Reply With Quote
  #116  
Old 02-11-2018, 07:33 AM
Norwest Alta Norwest Alta is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 3,666
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fish along View Post
Hey I've have thought of doing this ,come on tell us lol
Works good. Watch your toes lol
Reply With Quote
  #117  
Old 02-11-2018, 10:02 AM
antlercarver antlercarver is offline
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,391
Default Young guys today

Quote:
Originally Posted by pikergolf View Post
DRILL PRESS :
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL :
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, sh*t!"

SKILL SAW :
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS :
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER :
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW :
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS :
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH :
Used almost entirely for setting on fire, various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW :
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.


BAND SAW :
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your new shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

FLAT BLADED SCREWDRIVER :
A tool for opening paint cans. If the flat bladed screwdriver is owned by a hopeless "toolie" who prides himself on the cleanliness of his pristine tools, it may be used as a paint stirrer. Also sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws by butchering the slots.

PRY BAR :
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding of that clip or bracket you needed to remove, in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER :
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER :
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Also contains a special magic ingredient that enables it to twist at the last second and strike "the wrong nail" (but only when you up a ladder, and using your free hand to cling on).

STANLEY KNIFE :
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. Great at removing stubborn ends of fingers.

'F#@KING THING' TOOL :
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "F#@king thing" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. Yes, the dog/cat/person who just happened into the path of the missile will always duck in time (mostly).
Most young people now have no clue what you are talking about
Reply With Quote
  #118  
Old 02-11-2018, 11:44 AM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Onoway, Alberta Beach
Posts: 604
Default

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.
"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weensy member; very short and very narrow.
"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.
"Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "it's no where near long enough. It'll never reach!"
"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long.
"Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."
"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.
As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"
"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."
Reply With Quote
  #119  
Old 02-11-2018, 11:52 AM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Onoway, Alberta Beach
Posts: 604
Default

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in daughter’s bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" asked the mother.
"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married so this is pretty much my husband."
The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."
The father walked out of the room shaking his head.
The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching the football game on TV.
"What on earth are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!!"
Reply With Quote
  #120  
Old 02-11-2018, 11:55 AM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Onoway, Alberta Beach
Posts: 604
Default

A surgeon came to see his patient on the morning after her operation..
The young woman asked him, somewhat hesitantly, how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.
"I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient who's asked me that question after a tonsillectomy!"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 04:01 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.5
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.