Seasonal depression

[buckbrush]

Originally Posted by bloopbloob

Anybody had any contact with Matt, since 8:07pm last night? That is his last posted activity on here. I sent him an unanswered PM last night, I know others have pm'd as well. Been checking activity all day, and nothing.... This hits close to home and I genuinely care about your well being Matt!

No, I sent him a PM last night and have been checking all day also.

[bloopbloob]

That's not very good news.... Just another bump.
I know it was called 'seasonal depression', but I know by the way everything was worded, it seemed deeper. I've been there. Not even fully back, but at least I'm in a better place now.

Hope you are well Matt, please just say hi to someone at least. I've lost a couple friends to this, and I've been pretty close there myself. Been checking this thread and your status every couple hours, since yesterday, waiting to see something... Just a Hi would be great to see.....

[walking buffalo]

Matt got in touch last night. Said he was busy for a couple of days and would contact me again then....

I hear you Bloop, would be reassuring to hear from him sooner.

Your turn Matt.

[RavYak]

Matt,

Here is a brief section of the book I mentioned earlier(Breaking the Patterns of Depression by Michael Yapko) that seems to have a few similarities to the situation you have described. I hope you aren't going through this hard of a time, but even if you are know that you have the support of us on here and that you are far from the only one that has struggled with things like this.

The Case of Jim

The desert, especially while in full bloom, had always been Jim's favorite place to go on vacation. "Lord knows I need to get away now more than ever," Jim told himself. He was trying to build some enthusiasm for this trip. It didn't work, though. His mind always seemed to spin back to a review of the last eight months. He knew Marcy had been unhappy with him at some level; she shuffled around the house with a creepy, defeated look that Jim hated. He found himself gradually withdrawing from here and taking his frustration out on her two young children. "I never should have got involved with a divorced woman with children," Jim said to himself for the millionth time. "I should have known better."

While he absentmindedly finished loading his truck with camping supplies for his weekend getaway, Jim recalled Marcy's parting words as clearly as if she were saying them to him right then. They hurt every bit as much as when she'd said them. He didn't want to be so hurt ever again, not after this mess and after his gut-wrenching divorce from Bobbi years earlier. Jim had suffered horribly until he let Marcy reach out to him. He had spent years virtually alone, doing nothing but going to work and coming home. And being depressed. Feeling that he would never smile again. Feeling he would never make a relationship work with anyone, even a single friend. Jim felt he was a useless human being.

At work, Jim managed to avoid others. He would hear other people laugh and tell jokes, and it could make him cry sometimes when he was alone that he couldn't find anything funny in their stories. He often would get angry at the superficiality of such people, how insensitive they were to his suffereing. Didn't they know he was in emotional pain? Didn't anyone care enough to want to help him? How could they be so happy when he was so miserable?

Then Marcy came along, out of nowhere, it seemed. They met awkwardly, dated awkwardly, and then all of a sudden professed undying love to each other. Very confusing. Things were great for the first couple of years, but then Jim's feelings changed. Why? He didn't know. But Marcy could tell. And Jim could tell that she could tell. He knew from those defeated looks she so often had about her. They made him wonder why he could feel so indifferent to someone so nice.

Jim knew he needed this vacation. He needed to try to spark some life in himself again. Either that, or just give up totally and fade away forever. He didn't seem to care about anything anymore. He had been reprimanded by his supervisor for his declining work performance and had felt even worse when he realized he didn't care that he'd been reprimanded. He felt like saying to his supervisor, "Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn," but he couldn't do more than think it. He wished it amused him to think it, too, but it didn't. Nothing did.

Packing the truck with supplies fatigued Jim. He felt sad that he was going by himself, and for a moment thought about not going at all. Sometimes he could really drive himself crazy by feeling one way one minute, and feeling the opposite the next minute. Like going camping and staying home. Like living and dying.

With a push from someplace inside-he wasn't sure where-Jim climbed into his truck, started it up, and left. He tried again to convince himself that he was going to have a good time in his favorite place. For a fraction of a second, he almost believed it.

Hours later, Jim did everything just right to build a comfortable campsite. He scanned the vast horizon and saw no evidence of another human being-just cactuses, desert shrubs, and a dark, clear night sky with an unbelievable number of stars to gaze at. Jim looked up, took his rapid fill of the remarkable sight, and promptly became even more depressed as he realized that he wasn't feeling any better there. He was guilty that being there didn't make any difference; he still felt rotten. "If this doesn't help, nothing will," That thought scared him and made him feel even more hopeless than wen a part of him still hoped the desert would cure his pain. He made a small fire and cooked some food, but, too preoccupied, he burned it. After he ate the little that was edible, he looked around and sat and listened to the silence. The thought passed through Jim's mind again and again; "If something bad were to happen to me out here, it would be a long time before anyone found out about it."

Discussion of Jim's Case

The intense emotional suffering of depression is the chief reason for its official categorization as a "mood disorder" by the mental health profession. In Jim's case, he showed all of the worst symptoms associated with depression: ambivalence (mixed feelings that can prevent you from moving forward in life), the loss of gratification, the loss of a sense of humor, feelings of inadequacy, the loss of emotional attachments (being apathetic or uncaring about things, sadness, excessive guilt, anger, the loos of motivation, the inability to experience pleasure (called "anhedonia"), utter powerlessness and hopelessness, and extremely low self-esteem.

This kind of intense emotional suffering is what leads people to have thoughts of suicide, just as Jim did. No suicidal person I have ever treated really wanted to die. Rather, he wanted to escape what seemed to be the unbearable pain of living. Suicide is a horribly desperate thing to do. People can and do recover from depression. There is no recovery from suicide. I'll say more about suicide in Chapter 5. What I want you to know now, however, is that things can and will get better. And when they do, you really should be here.

And some of the best advice in the book.

Your past may be hurtful, your present circumstances may be excruciating, but your future hasn't happened yet. Your future has not happened yet! Yes, you need to shift your focus from the past to the future, and yes, to create a better future you need to take action now. Doing things in the same crummy way only assures you of the same crummy results.

The need to "do something different" is obvious when what you're doing isn't working.

[MrMister12]

Hey guys/gals, sorry for the absence. Between my cell dying and poor service I haven’t been able to check in. I didn’t mean to cause concern. I really appreciate all of the information and experiences you’ve all shared, and Im starting to see some hope. I really can’t express how much your support has helped me through the last couple days. I’m not usually one to ask for help, but I’m glad I did.

All I have with me now is my cell, which I find hard to write long messages on. I will be heading home tomorrow, and will be sure to re-read and reply to everyone’s pms. Again, thank you all!

I spent the day cutting/splitting firewood for mom and dad, getting my sweat on. Felt good to get out and get something done! And good to get my mind off life. Not looking forward to the long drive home tomorrow.

I hope everyone had a good January 1st!!

[IR_mike]

Which general area are you coming from...a coffee along the way might make the long trip shorter.

[MrMister12]

Driving from Houston BC to east of Edmonton.

[IR_mike]

Check the site on the way home....you never know who else would want a sit down along the way.

It wont be me I am 2.5 hrs NE of Edmonton.

Have a good trip.

[MrMister12]

Will do, thanks.

[buckbrush]

Thanks for the update. Look forward to hearing from you again soon.

[sns2]

Glad to hear from you!

As you can see, you are far from the only person who has been through what you are going through. There's light at the end of the tunnel if you get help.

[MrDave]

What I think has been missed is the word seasonal. Most assume S.A.D. when they see it, but I see the holidays. Being lonely during a huge media blitz about how joyous the most expensive month of the year, is an enormous weight. When a person feels hollow from the emptiness around them, all the phoney good will just makes them feel worse.
The wife and I had our annual melt down yesterday, and can now move on with our life. We have lost almost all our true loved ones in the last few years, with several deaths within weeks of the season. Very hard to enjoy it.
Hope you can get on with the struggle. My best to you. Reach out if you need it, maybe networking with other crippled souls will help. Its what keeps us going.