Joke time

[Unregistered user]

Wild Mushrooms

She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had
no mushrooms and no time to buy them.

Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms
that are growing wild down by the stream?

"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."

"Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."

So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double
handful. Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, she watched the dog.

The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she
decided to use them.

The meal was a great success.

After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her
ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."

Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as
possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll
call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can.

We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and
everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down
the road.

The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a
stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the toilet, gave them an enema,
and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was done the doctor came out and said,

"Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.

The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around
the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum,

"I can't believe that guy!"

"What guy?"

"You know, that one who ran over Spot, he never even slowed down".

[fishmonger]

(Can't take credit, found this on another forum. Funny!)

Hard Drive - trip in 4x4 into backwoods lake that may or may not have fish
Log on - snagged
Motherboard - really big side planer
File - Used to sharpen hooks
16x Oversampling - being way over your limit
Internet - what you want fish to do when landing
Networked - a succesful landing
3.5 Inch disk - Dipsey Diver
Back up - stopping at the fish market on the way home
Byte - when a fish strikes your partner's lure
Megabyte - when a fish bites your lure
Monitor - what you do to other boats in the area if they keep getting megabytes
Caps lock - turning your hat backwards so it doesn't blow off
Num lock - what your fingers are in when holding the ice fishing rod
Port - place to pull into during storm
Serial port - place to pull into for breakfast
Random access Memory - explanation for why you can't remember price of new boat when spouse asks
1.44 Megabyte - good hourly catch rate
Pixel - excellent lake trout spoon by Blue fox.Oh,sorry.That should be pixee
32-bit - number of fish you caught
16 bit - number of fish anyone else caught
Scanner - what to do when attractive women goes by on waterskis
Save - what a four pound smallmouth will do for the day after 16 hours of nothing but log ons
Microchips - why your ice auger blades won't cut after your neighbour borrows it

[Red Bullets]

choose your weapon carefully

[drhu22]

This was shamelessly stolen from Dion at Calgarypuck forum...

An American Cowboy stopped at a restaurant in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning, a true delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation. Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so very sorry Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the cowboy placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si Señor. Sometimes the bull wins!"
__________________

[avb3]

[Adwittoutdoors]

One word : Bonescreek

[catnthehat]

Originally Posted by fishtank

lol

Not me, I'm not from Newfoundland, I heard a rumour that Kevguy shot a bear a while back however!
Cat

[bat119]

[IMG][/IMG]

[IMG][/IMG]

[Unregistered user]

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and, in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

[Big Sky]

A woman announces to her husband that she wants to get breast implants.

"Too much money!", he says. "Why don't you just take a couple of sheets of toilet paper and rub them between your breasts. Do this for about 10 seconds per day and before your know it, you'll have huge breasts."

"Seriously? Do you think it will work?", she asks.

"Why not?", says the husband. "It worked for your butt, didn't it?".

[Unregistered user]

Psychology versus Law
A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library.
He asked a girl in a university library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl replied in a loud voice, "I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy.
He was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh,
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?
The guy then responded in a loud voice, "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S ROBBERY!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy then whispered in her ear, "I study law, I know how to screw people."

[Unregistered user]

Sunday night I gradually came to…. stiff as a board and in pain in the hospital's
ICU with tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function
and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.
It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She gave me a deep and steady heartfelt look, straight in the eyes, and I heard

her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

I somehow managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your boobs, then?”

[Red Bullets]

not actually a joke. This supposedly happened in a Florida court room.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

[coreya3212]

Originally Posted by Unregistered user

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and, in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

Did this happen in Florida as well

[bakerman]

What do you say to a guy with a IQ of 50? Nice weld!!

[Unregistered user]

Originally Posted by coreya3212

Did this happen in Florida as well

It's a joke thread, you figure it out.

[nekred]

Originally Posted by bakerman

What do you say to a guy with a IQ of 50? Nice weld!!

I heard it differently what does a guy with an iq of 50 say to a guy with an iq of 10....

mechanic telling a welder "nice weld"

do you know why they use welders instead of monkeys..... when a monkey gets burned everybody feels bad....

why dont you let a welder take a break of over 10 minutes..... otherwise you have to retarin them....

How do you keep a wleder busy... but him in a round room and tell him to whiz in the corner.....

[Unregistered user]

^ In the same vein, Why do we have mechanics?
So lawyers have some-one to hate.

[AdverseCity]

The best jokes I hear come from my 5 year old niece...


What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

[bat119]

What's long and hard on a welder?

Grade 4!

[nekred]

hardest 4 years of a welders life..... grade 2

[nekred]

wleder in grade two comes to his dad also a welder and says he notices that his "rod" is so mauch larger than the other guys in Grade 2 and asks his dad if it is a welder thing.... His dad says Yes... it is but mostly because you are 17....

[Beckman]

check nr 6...

http://www.statista.com/statistics/2...sehold-income/

just saying..:-P

[Redfrog]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[stuckincity]

Back in the days of the soviet union, a grade 3 class was studying the world's religions.

At the end of the last session, the teacher stood in front of the class and said, "Now boys and girls, what nationality do you think Adam and Eve were?"

Little Ivan raised his hand, and the teacher said, "Yes Ivan, what do you think?"

Little Ivan stood up and said, "I think Adam and Eve were Russian."

The teacher said, "Well that's very interesting. Why do you think that?"

Little Ivan said, "Because they had no clothes, no roof over their heads, and only one apple between them, and they called it Paradise."

[Unregistered user]

After years of being away from the Church, Murphy braces himself with a few drinks
and goes into the confessional box. Inside he finds a fully-equipped wet bar
with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish
whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array
of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to
confession. I have to admit, the confessional box is much more inviting than
it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out, you moron! You're on MY side!!"

[Ken07AOVette]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.'

[Speckler]

You might be a redneck if... Your pocket knife is sharper than you are.

[Speckler]

What does the sign read above the toilet paper roll?

Drtwallers ticket!

[Strix]

Chester and Earl are going hunting.
Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting." So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.
Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."
Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"
Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it. There really are only two ducks out there! Where did you get that dog"?
Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, you can get one from him".
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has.
The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home,
tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in its mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says, "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you there are more f-----g ducks out there than you can shake a stick at".