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  #121  
Old 10-24-2013, 07:07 AM
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A man and his wife walk into a restaurant and sit down. after a few minutes the wife notices a man at the bar who is becoming increasingly drunk. Through out their meal her eyes keep wandering over to the man at the bar who is now completely bombed. Her husband says "Do you know that man" she says "Yes, unfortunately he's my ex husband" The husband says " how longs has it been since you seen him. She says "Oh about 7 years" The husband says " Wow, that's a long time to celebrate"
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  #122  
Old 10-24-2013, 02:39 PM
Boomer 243 Boomer 243 is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Red Bullets View Post
A Day in the life of a husband and wife.

HER DIARY

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long,so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. My marriage must be over.


HIS DIARY

I missed the buck of a lifetime today while hunting, but at least I got laid tonight.
Funny Stuff
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  #123  
Old 10-24-2013, 05:54 PM
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What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
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  #124  
Old 10-24-2013, 07:46 PM
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A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington DC , when he sees a
little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her
by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter
her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion
square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl
and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him
profusely. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, "Sir, this was the most
gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life."
The Harley rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was
behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt
right."
The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a
journalist, you know. Tomorrow's paper will have this story on the
front
page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation
do you have?'
The biker replies, "I'm a US Marine and a Republican"
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the Washington Post to see if it
indeed brings news of his actions and reads, on the front page:
US MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
...and THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these
days...
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  #125  
Old 10-24-2013, 07:48 PM
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hal53 hal53 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Unregistered user View Post
A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington DC , when he sees a
little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her
by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter
her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion
square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl
and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him
profusely. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, "Sir, this was the most
gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life."
The Harley rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was
behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt
right."
The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a
journalist, you know. Tomorrow's paper will have this story on the
front
page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation
do you have?'
The biker replies, "I'm a US Marine and a Republican"
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the Washington Post to see if it
indeed brings news of his actions and reads, on the front page:
US MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
...and THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these
days...
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  #126  
Old 10-26-2013, 12:15 AM
redneckchick redneckchick is offline
 
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2 peanuts were walking through the park... one was assalted
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  #127  
Old 10-26-2013, 04:08 AM
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DaveFish DaveFish is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Unregistered user View Post
A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington DC , when he sees a
little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her
by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter
her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion
square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl
and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him
profusely. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, "Sir, this was the most
gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life."
The Harley rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was
behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt
right."
The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a
journalist, you know. Tomorrow's paper will have this story on the
front
page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation
do you have?'
The biker replies, "I'm a US Marine and a Republican"
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the Washington Post to see if it
indeed brings news of his actions and reads, on the front page:
US MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
...and THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these
days...
fell off my chair laughing
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My biggest worry is that my wife (when I'm dead) will sell my fishing gear for what I said I paid for it. ~Koos Brandt
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  #128  
Old 10-27-2013, 06:06 PM
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Irish Logic

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down, Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

“I told you there must be a simple explanation, Patty” she never got your E-mail!"
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  #129  
Old 10-27-2013, 08:07 PM
bobalong bobalong is offline
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Three friends married women from different parts of the world …


The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.


The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.


The third man married a girl from Alberta. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.
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  #130  
Old 10-27-2013, 08:36 PM
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Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
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A trucker was sitting in a roadside diner waiting for his meal to come. He was watching an old couple at the next table over and noticed the elderly gent was eating and the old gal wasn't eating anything.

The trucker said to the couple," Ma'am, I notice you aren't eating. I can buy you a meal if it is because of prices and you are on pension."

The old gal says to the trucker, " Oh, No, My husband and I share everything. Hubby and me always share a plate of food."

The trucker asked curiously, " If you always share everything why aren't you eating anything from the plate?"

She said ...." I'm waiting for the teeth!"
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  #131  
Old 10-27-2013, 10:08 PM
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Dont have a specific joke but I get a real kick out of Tumblr








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  #132  
Old 10-29-2013, 12:48 AM
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The Government of Alberta has borrowed a Norwegian Icebreaker to clear the North Saskatchewan River for the River Queen paddlewheeler traffic this winter.

Here is a picture of the ice breaker.
Attached Images
File Type: jpg untitled.jpg (18.9 KB, 186 views)
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  #133  
Old 10-29-2013, 12:52 AM
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The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.
Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough.

Services were held at 3:50 for about 23 minutes~
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  #134  
Old 10-29-2013, 01:08 AM
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Who ever can use a corny laugh...

http://www.wimp.com/animalvoiceovers/
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  #135  
Old 10-29-2013, 03:57 AM
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Was at my daughters yesterday and asked for a newspaper, she said dad get with the times, use my I phone. Well that fly never knew what hit him.

For the kids:
A horse walks into the bar, bartender says "why the long face".
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  #136  
Old 10-30-2013, 11:51 AM
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Travelling down the coast road I needed to use the toilet. I stopped at a rest area headed for the toilet, went into the cubicle and this is what happened...

"Hi, how are you?"

Now...I'm not the type to start a conversation in a toilet and I don't know what got into me, but... I answered...
"Doin' just fine!"

then the other person said:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? I'm thinking.... this is too bizarre... so I said:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just travelling!"

At this point I was just trying to get out as fast as I could when I heard another question.
"Can I come over?"

OK, this question was just too weird for me but I figured I would just be polite and end the conversation...so I said:
"No.. I'm just a little too busy right now !!!" Then I hear the person say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other cubiclewho keeps answering all my questions
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  #137  
Old 10-30-2013, 12:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rwm1273 View Post
... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other cubiclewho keeps answering all my questions..
Awesome!
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  #138  
Old 10-30-2013, 12:48 PM
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An Irishman walks out of a bar.
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  #139  
Old 10-30-2013, 01:34 PM
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Just at the moment when the dentist was leaning over towards his patient to start on her teeth, he was startled.
"Excuse me, Miss, those are my testicles that you are holding."
"I know" she answered sweetly. "And we're not going to hurt each other, are we?"
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  #140  
Old 10-30-2013, 07:03 PM
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You know---I never thought about that! The question of the year!!!!??

We are always hearing about how Canada pension is going to run out of money.

How come we never hear about Welfare running out of money?
What's interesting, the first group "worked for" their money... The second didn't!!?
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  #141  
Old 10-30-2013, 07:15 PM
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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, is it my turn to drive?
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  #142  
Old 10-30-2013, 07:17 PM
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A dying grandfather, having no sons or grandsons, tells his granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the buildings, the livestock, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse, and $2,398,750 in cash."
The granddaughter, absolutely floored, says, "Oh Grandfather, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With his last dying breath, the girl's grandfather whispered "facebook".
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  #143  
Old 10-30-2013, 07:19 PM
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Two days before the group is to leave, Cory"s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Cory's hunting buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Cory sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. "S**t , Cory how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go?" his friend asked.

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!

She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes ! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

"So . . . here I am !"
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  #144  
Old 10-30-2013, 07:20 PM
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Bottle of Merlot
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an
unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a
cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the
gentleman who is seated over there'..... and indicated
the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking
at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a
note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a
response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the
gentleman.

The note read:'For me to accept this bottle, you
need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million
dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your
pants'..

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and
instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to
be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600,
and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have
beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre
ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million
dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even
for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three
inches. Just send the wine back.'
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  #145  
Old 10-30-2013, 07:40 PM
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
Been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
That were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
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  #146  
Old 10-30-2013, 07:43 PM
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I spoke with an old indian elder recently...we were walking along a path in the forest and came to a place where the elder picked up some quartz and held it out in his hand, saying "this is a very sexual stone". I told him how amazed I was that he knew this. I asked him how he knew this...

He looked at me, puzzled that I didn't know, and replied, "It's a f***ing rock."
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  #147  
Old 10-31-2013, 04:51 PM
I-Love-Eyes I-Love-Eyes is offline
 
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Smile Happy halloween!! :)

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.


He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.


As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the "POOP" out of a ghost."
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  #148  
Old 11-11-2013, 05:25 PM
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THE DOC..



Cheers !




A doctor had sex with one of his female patients but he felt guilty all day long.


No matter how much he tried, he just couldn't forget about it. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient
were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."




But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering... "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."
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  #149  
Old 11-12-2013, 04:39 PM
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A gynecologist was suffering from work burn out and decided to consider a new career. He thought of what he could do and enjoy. He thought that I really enjoyed mechanics in high school so he enrolled in tech school. The year at school came and went as they do and he was faced with the final exam. He completed the exam and when he got his marks he was astounded. He goes back to his instructor and says" I can see the 100% but I cannot understand the 150%." The instructor says "Well it is this way. 50% for taking the engine apart, 50% for putting the engine back together and running and 50% for doing it thru the tailpipe.
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You're offended.... I think it is funny and that is why I am happier than you.
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  #150  
Old 11-26-2013, 11:23 PM
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B-u-m-p !
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