World History, a Parody

[leo]

This was posted on AOF a couple years ago, thought I'd reshare it. The second version I penned this afternoon. Hope you enjoy it.

For those who don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the Donkey.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, Oilmen, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history:
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to aggravate them.
And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.

[leo]

Condensed world history, Part II:
Part I gave us the break down of the Conservative (Republican) VS Liberal (Democrat) parties. This is a more in-depth look at those 2, as well as the introduction of the New Democratic Party. One of the early Conservatives was named Steven, Steven enjoyed his time hunting, barbequing, making and consuming beer, who wouldn't? The women did all the cooking, cleaning, gathering wood and raised the kids. Well Steven had a younger brother named Singh who was a Liberal. Singh wasn't much of a hunter. He was a smooth talker and was supposed to be fast. So the other (Conservative) men in the tribe used Singh for bait to lure out out animals while hunting. Singh managed to get himself mauled by a Saber-Toothed Lion however, and had both his arms in splints and bandages. The biggest down fall in this, was poor Singh couldn't feed himself, or drink Steven's beer. Hell, he couldn't even wipe his ass. So Steven being the good brother he is, took Singh to the local Witch Doctor to get his pain killer which was boiled willow bark. This of course cost Steven extra rations of beer for the medical help, but there was still the problem of feeding Singh, and wiping his ass. So Steven hired Justin (Liberal) to do these things for Singh, at the expense of more and more beer and meat. Steven couldn't bear this expense, so he set up the first Public House, where he served beer in exchange for furs, meat and dry goods. After a couple of unfortunate beatings of his bartenders, he insisted on hiring only Liberal bartenders, and made them wear man buns so the rowdy crowd wouldn't beat them. Everything was going smooth, Steven was enjoying his monopoly, when an event that changed the world took place. Singh asked Justin what his brother was paying him, to feed him and wipe his ass. "2 beer and 1 steak per day" said Justin. "Oh my, that's not very much for such work" said Singh. "You should tell him you need more money. As a matter of fact Justin, I will represent you, and demand a wage increase for a small portion of your share. He'll agree, or else!" "Or else what?" said Justin. "Or else, you'll go on strike, and Steven will have to feed me and wipe my ass as well as make beer, sell beer, hunt and barbeque". The next day when the Witch Doctor came to administer his medications, Singh asked the doctor "What is my brother paying you to look after me?" "3 beer and 2 steaks per day" says he. "That's not very much for such skilled work, I will represent you and get you more for a small share" says Singh. The next day Singh spoke to Steven and said, "I'm representing Justin and the Witch Doctor, they both demand to be paid more than what you are offering, or else!" "Or else what?" says Steven. "They'll go on strike, and you'll have to feed me, wipe my ass, over and above your daily chores." said Singh. In a fit of rage, Steven dumped the entire bowl of willow bark liquid on Singh's head. This made his brain permanently numb. Reluctantly Steven agreed to pay the Doctor and Justin 1 extra beer & steak / day, which Singh kept 1 beer from Justin and 1 steak from the Witch Doctor as his fee for negotiating the deal. Now poor Steven had to work even longer hours and produce more beer and meat just to look after his deadbeat brother, who did nothing, but was drinking his beer and eating his steaks. Thus was formed the first Workers Union, Free Medicare, and minimum living allowance, all on the back of the poor conservative trying to get by, while looking after his ungrateful, useless brother, Singh. Steven went on to become a great leader of his tribe, and tried to instill hard work and integrity, along with responsible spending in his people, but the Liberals would have none of that. Justin Went on to become the first nurse, and later on would be the leader of the tribe, and Singh with his numb brain ran for political office, and was elected as opposition.

[urban rednek]

In some parts of the world, the negotiations were decidedly less civil.
You might say they took a more hands on approach.