Joke time

[stuckincity]

I just received my tax return for 2012 back from the Revenue Canada. It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the line : "List all dependents"

I replied:
2 million Native Indians
1 million crack heads
7.3 million unemployed people
100,000 people in prisons
Half of Haiti
105 persons in the Federal Senate and 308 Members of Parliament.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HELL DID I MISS?

[bison]

you missed the 15.000.000 federal employees

[RBI]

Originally Posted by rwm1273

You know the romance has died when...

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me asip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her in reply: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

OK ... that ones funny

[Unregistered user]

Receptionist & the senior


A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't **** out of it,' he replied.

[Unregistered user]

Disney Channel


An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"


"No, it's turned black."

[rwm1273]

Originally Posted by Unregistered user

Disney Channel


An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"


"No, it's turned black."

Awesome.

[rwm1273]

Women. Always adapting to the circumstance.

[rwm1273]

Sometimes it's all about the angle.

[Unregistered user]

His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when Carson, the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question my lord?"

"Go ahead Carson” said his lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."

"What word is that?" said his lordship.

"Aplomb”, my lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, my lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

”I remember the occasion very well, my lord. It gave the staff and me much pleasure to look after them.”

”Also”, continued the Earl of Grantham, “do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?”

”I was present on that occasion, my lord, ministering to their needs.”

”While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply.”

Carson replied, “I witnessed the incident, my lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief.”

That evening the ***** on his thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender.”

”Yes, my lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening.”

“The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will with a loud voice, 'Darling is your ***** still throbbing?'

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! Now that is aplomb!”

[Unregistered user]

An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth.

He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes," he said. "How are you? You know, you are 92 today. Oh the times we've had! Remember how we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday toes!"

"Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you? You know you're 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees."

Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger. Just think. If you were alive today, you'd be 92..

[Unregistered user]

IRISH DIET



An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days, then skip a day ...... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds..'

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded ...
'I'll tell you though, be jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 'tird day.'



'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the ******in' skippin'

[bubba 96]

Don't know if this ones been up but here goes.

Is GOOGLE a man or woman








A woman because before your finished typing she is already telling ya what you want....

[Unregistered user]

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning
young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

[Unregistered user]

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

[flynick]

I don't do or like cocaine but I sure love the smell of it

[rwm1273]

Originally Posted by flynick

I don't do or like cocaine but I sure love the smell of it

Said Rob Ford.

[Unregistered user]

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Kandahar when they came upon an Afghani terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was a Canadian soldier in a similar but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Canadian what had happened.

The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Ayman Zawahiri (leader of Al-Qaeda) was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. He yelled back that Justin Trudeau is a privileged, bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, left wing ******** who knows bugger-all about running a country.'

'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dressed and acted like a frigid, mean-spirited Camel humping lesbian!' He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Kathleen Wynne!' 'And, then there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.'

[Unregistered user]

Ma's back on the warpath again. Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next bowel movement could spell disaster.


My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as Ma likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while,
Ma and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, ´Screw it, I'll soldier on!

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found Ma face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do.
Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought Ma a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, Ma asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

Ma packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!". As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.
It makes Ma look like she's moving during sex.

[Unregistered user]

�exophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the wretched crop:
Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

[RandyBoBandy]

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST.l was a very happy man, my wonderful girlfriend and l had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married.There was only one little thing bothering me...It was my future wife's beautiful younger sister. She was twenty two, wore tiny mini skirts and would always bend over when near me. One day she called me to come over and help her with the wedding invitations. She was alone when l arrived, she whispered to me that she had deep feelings and desires for me, that she could not overcome!!!! She told me that she wanted me, just once before l committed myself to her sister in marriage. Well l was in total shock, and could not say a word! she said 'I'm going upstairs and if you want one last wild fling then come and get me'.I was stunned and frozen to the spot. I stood there for a moment, then made a beeline for the front door. I opened the door and headed straight for my car.Lord and behold, my entire future family was standing outside clapping!With tears in his eyes, my future father in law hugged me and said 'we are happy you have passed out little test, we couldn't ask for a better man for our lovely daughter, Welcome to the family'.And the moral to this story is : ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN YOUR CAR!

[Springerman]

In church I heard a sweet elderly lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so innocent and sincere that I just have to share it with you:

"Dear Lord, This sure has been a tough four to five years. You have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze, my favorite musician Michael Jackson, my favorite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse, my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor, my favorite singer Whitney Houston.....and now my favorite author Tom Clancy!

I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are Justin Trudeau, Dalton McGuinty, Mike Duffy, Pamela Wallin, Rob Ford and Dwight Duncan
Amen"

[Red Bullets]

If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?


H2O cubed.

[AtimoseMan]

In a scientific study did you know on an average a Canadian man walks 900 miles in a year.
And did you know we Canadians drink 40 gallons of beer in a year.
When you do the math they get 22.5 miles to the gallon.

[Taco]

I got a new stick deodorant this mornin'
The instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom."

Now I can barely walk but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.

[jungleboy]

[Red Bullets]

The number 1 scientist in the world had a meeting with God.

He told God,"We don't need you anymore. We now have the technology to create life."

God said to the scientist," If you can show me how you make life I will remove myself."

The scientist spoke... "We know that life comes from dust and returns to dust so I will pick up some of this dirt and..."

God piped up, " whoa there, get your own dirt!"

[rwm1273]

I failed my Health and Safety class test today.

Apparently, when they ask you, "In the event of a large fire, what steps would you take?"

"Effin' large ones" is not the correct answer

[rwm1273]

For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed two laws - legalized gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense, because Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before.

[newguy]

from a lady friend of mine...

why are men and tiles alike?

if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for the rest of their life!

[fargoni]

- Are you sexually active?
- No, I just lie still.