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  #271  
Old 02-06-2014, 10:19 AM
Springerman Springerman is offline
 
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Talking how to save the airlines !!

Dump the
Male flight attendants. No one wanted them in
The first place....

Replace all the
Female flight attendants with good-looking
Strippers! What the hell -- they don't even
Serve food anymore, so what's the
Loss?

The strippers would at least triple
The alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere'
Going in the cabin. And, of course, every
Businessman in this country would start flying
Again, hoping to see naked women.

Because
Of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't
Need a salary, thus saving even more money. I
Suspect tips would be so good that we could
Charge the women for working the plane and have
Them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap
Dances and 'special services.'

Muslims
Would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of
Seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a
Screeching halt, and the airline industry would
See record revenues.

This is definitely a
Win-win situation if we handle it right -- a
Golden opportunity to turn a liability into an
Asset.

Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this?

Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Rob Ford
Toronto Mayor
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  #272  
Old 02-06-2014, 09:02 PM
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READ it carefully
Old Butch

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, the bells are not always audible.
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  #273  
Old 02-06-2014, 09:03 PM
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A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major glanced at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
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  #274  
Old 02-07-2014, 09:35 AM
Goater Goater is offline
 
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- Cowboy's Chili

A young cowboy walks into a seedy hotel cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy
with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy
bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do"?

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into
the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
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  #275  
Old 02-08-2014, 06:44 AM
rwm1273 rwm1273 is offline
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Husband and Wife...

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "It's really spoiled my need for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie?

Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."
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  #276  
Old 02-09-2014, 08:59 AM
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If Scotland gains its independence after the forthcoming referendum, the remainder of the United Kingdom will be known as the "Former United Kingdom" (F.U.K.)

In a bid to discourage Scots from voting yes in the referendum, Lib.Dems have now begun a campaign with the slogan: "Please Vote No For FUK's sake!"

They feel that the voters will be able to relate to this; particularly those in Glasgow.
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  #277  
Old 02-09-2014, 09:15 AM
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BrownTrout BrownTrout is offline
 
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We had a outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop,
TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was dead and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.
She seems like a nice person.
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  #278  
Old 02-09-2014, 09:16 AM
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I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting
at a bar.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."
His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the
time. I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age (72), sitting a couple of stools down had also
over-heard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that s***!"
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  #279  
Old 02-09-2014, 11:00 AM
greylynx greylynx is offline
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What is the long hard thing a Polish girl gets on her wedding day.

Answer: A new last name.
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  #280  
Old 02-11-2014, 02:38 PM
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A teacher was teaching her 2nd grade class how the gov't system worked & for homework she told her students to ask their parents what the government is.

Little Johnny got home, went up to his dad "what the government was"?
His dad thought for a while, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Lil Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said dad.

''Okay then...good night'' as Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a big ol poop in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help.

When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he was shocked to see his dad having sex with his maid,overly surprised, he then just realized what his dad meant by "sleeping on it"

''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''
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  #281  
Old 02-11-2014, 02:51 PM
50/50 50/50 is offline
 
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My wife came home from a long days work , walked in the door and said
"Take off my shirt" A bit puzzled but I did as requested.
"Now take off my skirt" I did. no questions asked.
"Now take off my stockings , panties and bra" I did.

She then proceeded to tell me;

"I don't want to ever catch you wearing my cloths again!"
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  #282  
Old 02-11-2014, 05:02 PM
LSLAKER LSLAKER is offline
 
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Default Gay Away joke pills pulled from shelves

As reported in the Edmonton Sun Dec 13, 2013

A dollar store in Gimli, Man., has pulled from it's shelve a gag item claiming to cure gayness, according to reports.

The package says Gay Away "Stops the graving for misbehaving". The pills are "Penis flavoured".
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  #283  
Old 02-13-2014, 08:43 AM
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tri777 tri777 is offline
 
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A biker was riding across a bridge and noticed a girl up on the rail.
The biker saw a pretty little girl getting ready to take the fateful jump.
He stopped ab hollered: "hey lady you don't need to do this, your a good looking girl..
She said i am not happy with my life ..no one understands me...no one ever will.
He said well just come down here ,and lets talk a minute.
She jumped down ..he said you have everything to live for yaddda, yadda, yadda, she was so happy she laid a big kiss on him.
He said wow, you sure can kiss also. She said you make me feel so much better, now if i could get my parents to accept me as i am,
They hate that i dress up like a girl.
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  #284  
Old 02-13-2014, 09:41 AM
Dr. Phil A Dr. Phil A is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tri777 View Post
A biker was riding across a bridge and noticed a girl up on the rail.
The biker saw a pretty little girl getting ready to take the fateful jump.
He stopped ab hollered: "hey lady you don't need to do this, your a good looking girl..
She said i am not happy with my life ..no one understands me...no one ever will.
He said well just come down here ,and lets talk a minute.
She jumped down ..he said you have everything to live for yaddda, yadda, yadda, she was so happy she laid a big kiss on him.
He said wow, you sure can kiss also. She said you make me feel so much better, now if i could get my parents to accept me as i am,
They hate that i dress up like a girl.
The police report says the investigation could not determine if the lady jumped or was pushed.


Fixed it for you.
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In order to be a smart azz, you have to be smart otherwise you are just an azz.

You're offended.... I think it is funny and that is why I am happier than you.
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  #285  
Old 02-13-2014, 09:45 AM
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Redfrog Redfrog is offline
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Two cannibals having a bowl of soup. One says to the other, I've always hated my sister in law. Second cannibal says , stop complaining , just eat the noodles.
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It isn't a question of who will allow me, but who will stop me.. Ayn Rand
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  #286  
Old 02-13-2014, 10:02 AM
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tri777 tri777 is offline
 
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A biker riding across the bridge noticed a girl up on the rail getting ready to take the final fateful jump.
He stopped and hollered: "hey lady you don't need to do this, your a good looking girl..
She said i am not happy with my life ..no one understands me...no one ever will.
He said well just come down here ,and lets talk a minute.
She jumped down ..he said you have everything to live for yaddda, yadda, yadda, she was so happy she laid a big kiss on him.
He said wow, you sure can kiss also. She said you make me feel so much better, now if i could get my parents to accept me as i am,
They hate that i dress up like a girl.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr. Phil A View Post
The police report says the investigation could not determine if the lady jumped or was pushed.
Fixed for you.

And i fixed my spelling errors,Joke now in completion!
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  #287  
Old 02-13-2014, 04:33 PM
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Redfrog Redfrog is offline
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A man was telling his buddy "You won't believe what happened last night.
My daughter walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance
immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my
clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop. Please take any of my
jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my
front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me
and never talk to me again. Don't forget to write me out of your will and
leave my share to any charity you choose."

"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"

"Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said,
'Dad, meet my new boyfriend-- Pierre. We're going to work together on
Justin Trudeau's election campaign
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It isn't a question of who will allow me, but who will stop me.. Ayn Rand
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  #288  
Old 02-13-2014, 06:15 PM
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tri777 tri777 is offline
 
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A little boy along side his grandfather raking leaves in the yard.
Little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

"Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a jar of chocolate ice cream topping. He coats the earthworm in the sauce until it is straight and stiff in a hard chocolate shell. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather, shocked and perplexed, hands the little boy his earned five dollars, quickly grabs the chocolate sauce and runs into the house.


Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy yet another five dollars.

"Grandpa you goof, you already gave me five dollars."

Grandpa; "I know. That's from your grandma.
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  #289  
Old 02-18-2014, 09:51 PM
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A Man was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

‘What was that for?’ he asked.

‘That was for the piece of paper in your pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,’ she replied.

Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,’ he explained.

‘Oh honey, I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I should have known there was a good explanation ‘

Three days later he was watching a football on TV when she walked up and hit him on the head again, this time with the frying pan, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, ‘What the **** was that for?’

She replied…

‘Your horse called.’
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  #290  
Old 02-20-2014, 05:22 AM
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Dear Abby,

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills, and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum...let our kids worry about the rest, but we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also, he has been so arrogant, and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. He has also gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics, the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims. Finally, he's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?

Signed, Lost

Dear Lost,

Suck it up, and stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything. You can divorce the jerk anytime. The rest of us are stuck with him for 3 more years.

Abby
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  #291  
Old 02-21-2014, 07:07 PM
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.
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File Type: jpg well.jpg (27.5 KB, 290 views)
File Type: jpg pork.jpg (24.5 KB, 291 views)
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  #292  
Old 02-21-2014, 09:20 PM
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An Emergency Call Centre worker in Calgary has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.

It seems a male caller dialed 911 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah.."

Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response...
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  #293  
Old 02-25-2014, 03:52 PM
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Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night
together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to do some
‘horizontal dancing’ with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could
not do the ‘wild thing’.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel
clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from
under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"
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  #294  
Old 02-25-2014, 03:54 PM
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north american hunter north american hunter is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Unregistered user View Post
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night
together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to do some
‘horizontal dancing’ with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could
not do the ‘wild thing’.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel
clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from
under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"
That's actually made me laugh.
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  #295  
Old 02-26-2014, 01:17 AM
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Bodo Cowboy
An 80-year-old rancher from Bodo goes to the clinic in Edmonton for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
'I'm from Bodo and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer, a shot of whiskey and all is well.'
'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?'
'Who said my Father's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. ' You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the old cowboy. 'In fact he worked and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had a little beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a Bodo rancher and he hunts and fishes too!'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still alive?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the man.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?'
'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. ' Getting Married? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?
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  #296  
Old 02-26-2014, 05:32 AM
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.


King David



After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.


Sasha Guitry



By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates



Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.


Anonymous



The great question, which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"


Dumas



I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud



'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'


Red Skelton



'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'

Sam Kinison



'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'


James Holt McGavra



Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.


Patrick Murray



The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

Nash



You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.

Anonymous



My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.


Henny Youngman



A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Rodney Dangerfield



A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Anonymous



First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy : 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous
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  #297  
Old 02-26-2014, 09:28 AM
Jimboy Jimboy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Red Bullets View Post
A chinese couple were making passionate love and the man said to his wife....
"Honey.. I want 69."

She retorted, " Why you want beef and greens now?"'


Ya cant say chinese or lndian here.
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  #298  
Old 02-26-2014, 09:38 AM
Jimboy Jimboy is offline
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Default joke

One guy seys to his buddy , l,m gonna go down and take the ferry across the river ta git some more beer , his buddy seys ,DO YA THINK HE,LL GO WIT YA.
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaheehaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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  #299  
Old 03-13-2014, 12:16 PM
fargoni fargoni is offline
 
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ha
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  #300  
Old 03-13-2014, 12:34 PM
lovethegreatoutdoors lovethegreatoutdoors is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Unregistered user View Post
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.


King David



After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.


Sasha Guitry



By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates



Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.


Anonymous



The great question, which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"


Dumas



I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud



'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'


Red Skelton



'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'

Sam Kinison



'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'


James Holt McGavra



Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.


Patrick Murray



The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

Nash



You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.

Anonymous



My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.


Henny Youngman



A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Rodney Dangerfield



A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Anonymous



First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy : 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous
These are very funny. Still best friends with my wife yet, but doesn't mean I can't relate.
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