Let's hear some jokes..cabin fever is setting in.

[Gerry]

A man says to his godfather, "My nephew is a fine accountant, he's both deaf and dumb, but he really knows his stuff. Can you use him?"
His godfather loves the idea, and the man translates for his nephew during the interview.
He is hired on the spot.
Six months later, $4 million is discovered missing. The godfather asks the uncle to translate for the nephew as he investigates the matter.
Godfather: "I want the $4 million."
Nephew (in sign language): "I don't know anything about it!"
Uncle: "My nephew says he doesn't know anything about it!"
The godfather pulls out an enormous revolver, and says, "Tell him he's got 10 seconds to tell me where the dough is!"
Nephew (in sign language): "Out in the back yard. Stand at the base of the oak tree. Ten paces due west. Dig down two feet. It's in a plastic bag."
Uncle: "My nephew says you ain't got the balls to pull that trigger!"

[Gerry]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[Gerry]

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?" "Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!" "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a Lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?

[Gerry]

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to move on. "But why?", they asked as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

[Gerry]

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 PM. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

A hungry African lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and ate him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams. First, I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put stuff on it that was delicious, Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything, meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "That's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple.
Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

An Indian Chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The Chief was so happy he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second wife gave birth, also to a boy. The Chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the Chief kept the details a secret. He
built this wife a two story teepee made out of a hippopotamus hide. He challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the Chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is
equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

[Gerry]

University of Edinburgh medical school, second-term human physiology course. Prof. Kenneth Ivors, Instructor: "Good morning, class. Before we begin today's lecture, I should like to discover how well ye have been tracking the previous material. Miss MacMaster, will ye stand?"
She stands. "Can ye tell me, which organ of the body achieves 10 times its normal size
when it is excited?"
She stammers, reddens, says nothing.
"You may sit down, Miss MacMaster. Mr. Campbell, will ye answer that question?"
"It is the pupil of the eye, sir."
"Very good. Now, Miss MacMaster, I have three things to say to ye: One, ye have not done your homework. Two, ye have a dirty mind. And three, you're in for a big disappointment."

[Gerry]

A guy is at the zoo one day watching elephants and another guy comes by and starts a conversation.
The first guy says, "I've just come from Africa, where I've been studying elephants and I've learned nearly everything about them. For instance, did you know that elephants can't jump straight up in the air?"
"Baloney" says the second guy. "I'll bet you $5,000 I can make that elephant over there jump straight up."
"Well," says the elephant expert, "you're on."
So the second guy goes over behind the elephant, grabs two big bricks, claps the elephant on the balls, and it shoots 10 feet straight up into the air.
The first guy can't believe it. "I'm going to have to go back to Africa and study some more," he says.
He writes the other fellow a check and they go their separate ways.
A few years later the expert is back at the zoo, when the same stranger happens by
."Say, I remember you" the expert says. "You know, I've been back to Africa for 10 years studying elephants, and now there is nothing I don't know about them.
"Is that a fact?" says the second guy.
"Yes, and you know, I've learned that one thing an elephant can't do, is nod its head sideways. They can nod them up and down, like they're saying yes, but not side to side, like
they're saying no."
"Ha!" says the stranger. "I'll bet you $10,000 I can get an elephant to nod its head side to side."
"Well this time you're going to lose" said the first guy, so they shook hands and the stranger went over to the same elephant, grabbed two bricks, but this time stood right in front of the elephant.
He whispered in its ear, and the elephant nodded its head yes.
He whispered again and the elephant shook its head vigorously from side to side.
The expert was dismayed; "What did you say to it? I can't believe it!"
The stranger said, "I asked him if he remembered me, and he said yes. Then I asked him if he wanted me to do it again."

[Gerry]

Joe traveled to Spain and wandered into a Madrid restaurant one night for a late dinner.
He ordered the house specialty and was brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" Joe asked.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replied.
"But, what are cojones?" Joe asked.
"Cojones," the waiter explained, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first Joe was disgusted; but being the adventurous type, he decided to try this local delicacy. To Joe's amazement, it was quite delicious. In fact, it was so good, Joe decided to return the
next night and order it again.
This time, the waiter brought out the plate, but the meaty objects were much smaller.
"What's this?" Joe asked the waiter.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replied.
"No, no," Joe objected, "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."
"Senor," the waiter explained, "the bull does not always lose."

[Gerry]

This story came from comedian Tim Conway (Carol Burnett Show, McHale's
Navy). He was explaining how he learned about the facts of life:
My dad and I used to go out for walks all the time. Sometimes we'd go to a relative's farm. Well, one day dad & I were walking through a pasture, when we came upon a bull mounted on a cow.
"What's that all about?" I asked my dad.
"Uh-hmm, well, you see Tim, it's windy and the strong wind blew that bull up on the cow's back." My dad though he'd avoided an embarrassing moment.
But I came back with, "Then, what are they doing with all that grunting and groaning?"
My dad stairs into the air and mumbled, "Uhhhh, yeah, well, they're making cookies."
So, my whole young life I went with that explanation until one day, this cute girl at school asked me to come over to HER house after school.
"What'll we do? I asked almost in avoidance.
"Well," she shot back. "We can make cookies.'
I stared back at her in disbelief and said, "Oh, I don't think so. It's not NEAR windy enough!!"

[Fish along]

Patients comments about colonoscopy examinations.

Now i know how Muppets feel

Could you write a note to my wife saying that my heads not up there.

Any sign of trapped the trapped miners? ,Chief.

[bat119]

One day, a farmer Wesley noticed that one of his Jersey cow’s was cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The veterinarian took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow’s butt, and blew into the tube until the cow’s eyes straightened out. The veterinarian got a hundred bucks, and Wesley went home happy. About a week later, the Jersey cow’s eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time Wesley figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow’s butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow’s butt and started to blow.
“What are you doing?” Wesley asked, terrified.
“Well, I wasn’t gonna use the side that you had put your lips on.”

[herc883]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.


Sent from my SM-G930W8 using Tapatalk

[Little red riding hood]

An older gentleman married a beautiful young woman, but he's having trouble satisfying her because he's always done too soon. So he's talking with his doctor one day, asking what he can do to last longer, doc says, well, the simplest way to solve your problem is to just rub one out a couple hours before you're going to be with her, that will help. So the guy is on his way home, and he's thinking about what the doc said, so he decided to go for it before he gets home, so he pulls his car over at a rest area, gets under the car to pretend that he's "fixing something" and closes his eyes and dreaming about his beautiful young wife and starts rubbing! A few minutes go by, when he suddenly feels someone kick the bottom of his shoe, he says "just a minute, I'll be right out, just noticed a noise with the brakes" and then a voice says, "you really should open your eyes, your car rolled away a few minutes ago!"

[bat119]

I was walking past a tall wooden fence the other day, you know the kind you see outside a building site. As I walked along beside it I heard chanting coming from behind the fence further up... they were chanting numbers, or rather just one number.
"Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, ..." they excitedly chanted. It sounded like a small crowd, young and old; men, women and children. All of them saying the same number over and over.
As I approached I saw a small hole in the fence just big enough to look through. The hole was right where the sound appeared to be originating from.
So, with the crowd continuing to chant "... thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" and it seeming to become more intense as I leaned down to place my eye at the hole and work out WTH was happening in there.
Just as I put my eye to the hole a small finger like that of a child poked me in the eye and the crowd stared cheered loudly and started chanting again..
"Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."

[Gerry]

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded to the last hotel manager, "Or just a bed--I don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted"
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
The manager asked him how he survived.
"Never better." John said.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time."
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[Gerry]

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed. They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure - she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible - best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with
her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck!"

[Gerry]

A cowboy and his new bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room. "Congratulations on your wedding!" the clerk says. "Would you like the Bridal, then?"
"Naw, thanks," says the cowboy. "I'll just hold her by the ears till she gets the hang of it."

[Gerry]

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighborhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet.
The husband had heard rumors that Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of him, and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!!
The man asked Bubba, 'I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn't help but notice...'
Bubba laughed and said, 'Every night before bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times. Heck, it impresses the girls at school!"
The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself. Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times. He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when the wife sits up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and says, 'Bubba, is that you?"

[Gerry]

Do you know someone who seems to know everything? When asked why, they say, "A little birdie told me." Did you know they probably aren't lying? It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. - Thus, these creatures
are called "Flies Unseen Everywhere" or FUE for short. These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly. Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken. They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend. This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of the competition. And those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don't get it? Those who's standard response to any given question is, "Huh?" Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that the reason is simply because they don't have a clucking FUE.

[Gerry]

A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago."
The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like never before.
Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!"
The woman says, "Forty years ago that damn fence wasn't electrified!"

[Gerry]

A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.
"Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language... Stuff I'd never
heard before... Really terrible 4-letter words... You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MOTHER!"
And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.
But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"
"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful!
COME GET ME, P L E A S E !!!"
"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell mother the 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother....words like:
DUST...WASH......IRON....COOK

[Gerry]

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.
The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me."
He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started flirting some more and pretty soon they were messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on really fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.
He ran up the stairs to his apartment in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs.
The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

[Gerry]

The Creation Story as told by a dog.

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

[Gerry]

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the bum of the other.
"So what's going on here?" he asks.
The bike replies "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."
The cop says "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!"
The bike replies "That's what I'm going to do next!

[Gerry]

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

[macee]

Originally Posted by Fish along

Patients comments about colonoscopy examinations.

Now i know how Muppets feel

Could you write a note to my wife saying that my heads not up there.

Any sign of trapped the trapped miners? ,Chief.

My brother had a young female doctor do his when he recovered he asked for her address she asked why and he said after what you just did to me I should at least buy you flowers thought she was going to die laughing.

[Red Bullets]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am. 'About 32,' is the reply. 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonalds and asks the counter girl the very same question.The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm exactly 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm exactly 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.' He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each boob, gently pinches each one and then rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I?' He completes one last squeeze, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are exactly 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man chuckles,... 'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

[Red Bullets]

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?” “Sam,” the man moaned. “Where ya from, Sam?” With pain in his voice Sam replied “The balcony.”

[Red Bullets]

God says to Adam, “What would you like in a wife?”
“Hmmm,” says Adam, “I’d like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I’d like her to do whatever I tell her to. I’d like her to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me.”
“Hmmmm”, God says, “I can do it, but it’ll cost you an arm and a leg.”
Adam replies “Well what can I get for a rib?”

[Red Bullets]

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are
they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches...."