Let's hear some jokes..cabin fever is setting in.

[Fish along]

There was these old boys I NFLD,who's community just acquired a new fire truck, and the question came up about what they would do with their old one,well one old guy at the back yelled out ,I think we should keep her and use her for false alarms.

[Fisherpeak]

Two guys walking down the street and they see a REAL BIG mean looking black dog licking his package. One guys says "Man I wish I could do that"
Buddy says "I think you better pat him first"

[nekred]

Saw a guy with no arms hopping and bobbing as he was going down the street I asked what he was so happy about.....

He said he wasn't happy, he had itchy balls!

[IGS]

Why does a dog lick his balls?

Because he can!

What's the moral of this story?

If you could reach yours, you'd be sitting on the floor, lapping away at them!

[bat119]

guy walks into bar and sees pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you attempt to slap the meat and miss, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks in the bar until we close". The bartender looks back at the customer and asks "So what do you say, would you like to give the challenge a shot?" The customer quickly responds with a "No". "Why not?" The bartender asks. The customer replies, "The steaks are too high".

[Big Sky]

As told to me by the older guy down the street who first heard it when Sr was our PM.

It's early July and the Calgary Stampede is in full swing. Trudeau is at the Chinook Mall Stampede breakfast, flipping pancakes and posing for photos.
Someone in the line-up yells out over the noise of the crowd, "Hey Trudeau, you're a horses arse!"

A grizzled old cowboy rises from his seat, points a finger at the heckler and yells, "Watch your mouth sonny. We don't take kindly to those kind of insults around here!"

The heckler raises his hand and says, "I apologize. I had no idea that this was Liberal country."

"You're g** da**ed right this isn't Liberal country", said the cowboy. "This here's horse country!"

[wildbill]

Originally Posted by IGS

Why does a dog lick his balls?

Because he can!

What's the moral of this story?

If you could reach yours, you'd be sitting on the floor, lapping away at them!

Actually, that ain't why they do that, the real reason is cause they know in five minutes they'll be licking your face!

[sfaxien]

Originally Posted by nekred

Saw a guy with no arms hopping and bobbing as he was going down the street I asked what he was so happy about.....

He said he wasn't happy, he had itchy balls!

Funny

[wildbill]

Originally Posted by Fisherpeak

Two guys walking down the street and they see a REAL BIG mean looking black dog licking his package. One guys says "Man I wish I could do that"
Buddy says "I think you better pat him first"

Troph!

[Backwoods Bill]

Hahahaha these are great!

[Au revoir, Gopher]

Does Corona have a "viral" video? Inquiring minds want to know

ARG

[glen moa]

https://youtu.be/0z7BFWWS5RY

[wildbill]

Originally Posted by Fish along

There was these old boys I NFLD,who's community just acquired a new fire truck, and the question came up about what they would do with their old one,well one old guy at the back yelled out ,I think we should keep her and use her for false alarms.

I'll really have search the ol memory bank, fer some clean ones!

[Dewey Cox]

Just a though, take it or leave it...
This thread would be easier to read if every joke didn’t get quoted so someone can add
““Ha ha, that was a funny joke””

[Soulcousin]

Originally Posted by Dewey Cox

Just a though, take it or leave it...
This thread would be easier to read if every joke didn’t get quoted so someone can add
““Ha ha, that was a funny joke””

LOL!!!! Good one!!

[Fish along]

Originally Posted by Soulcousin

LOL!!!! Good one!!

Lol good one

[Fish along]

Originally Posted by Dewey Cox

Just a though, take it or leave it...
This thread would be easier to read if every joke didn’t get quoted so someone can add
““Ha ha, that was a funny joke””

Lol end of joke please laugh on dotted line .......

[Big Sky]

How do you know that you're in a Scotsman's house?



There's a fork in the sugar bowl.



As an aside, I wish there was a function on this forum that would let you 'like' a post.

[Gerry]

There was a little boy sitting on the curb one day. The little tyke had a bottle half full of acid. It seems he was droppin' those big, black ants into it every time he caught one. It made a small puff of smoke shortly after hitting the acid.
An old priest came along and was watching the kid drop those ants into oblivion. Apparently he thought this would be a good time to teach the little squirt the value of life.
The priest said to the kid, "What do you have there son?"
"Oh, I got some magic water, Father, the boy innocently replied.
"See," and *poof* went another ant.
"In my church," says the priest, "we have some magic water too."
"Oh Yeah," says the kid, "can it turn ants into water, too?"
"No," says the priest, "but I rubbed it on a lady's stomach and she passed a baby."
"Big deal!" says the kid. "I squirted some of this under my cat's tail the other day, and he passed a motorcycle!"

[Norwest Alta]

Gerry that funny. Lol

[Gerry]

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball laying beside
him.
"Goodness," says the golfer and proceeds to revive the little guy. Upon awakening the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun and I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game and a fantastic sex life."
Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
"It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."
"I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week? No better than that, is it?"
"Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish

[Diesel_wiesel]

a 6 year old Kid was looking at his moms ID card
SEX F
kid laughs
mom whats so funny??
kid,
I cant believe you are so bad at sex you failed
the Husband died lughing

[Little red riding hood]

A man gets pulled over for speeding, the cop approaches his car and he rolls the window down,
Officer; licence and registration please.
Driver; sorry officer, I lost my licence after my third DUI, and as for registration, it's not my car, I stole it, but I think I saw it when I put my handgun in the glove box.
Officer; you've got a gun in the glove box?
Driver; yes sir, I used it to shoot the owner of the car... she's in the trunk.
Officer; you've got a BODY in the trunk?
Driver; yes sir, I couldn't just leave her in the parking lot.
Officer, DON'T MOVE!

Officer goes back to his car and within minutes 6 squad cars show up with sirens wailing and lights flashing!
The chief cautiously approaches the drivers window.
Chief; licence and registration please, driver hands it over, licence is valid, car is registered in his name,
Chief; open the glove box please, driver opens glove box, it's empty.
Chief; pop the trunk please sir,
Driver pops the trunk, it's empty... chief approaches the drivers window again and says, I don't understand, the officer who pulled you over said that you had lost your licence, that you'd stolen the car, that you had a handgun in the glove box and a BODY in the trunk!
Driver; I'll bet that lying S.O.B said I was speeding too! Didn't he?

[Little red riding hood]

An old Florida cowboy is riding his horse one day when he sees a large frog sitting beside the trail, so he pulls his gun, thinking "frogs legs for supper tonight!" The frog crys out "hold on pardner, I'm a magic frog, I can Grant you 3 wishes!" So the cowboy put his gun away and says "alright then, I've got an old trunk in my basement, I want it full of gold coins frog says "done!" Cowboy says, "I've got another trunk, I want it full of $100 bills" frog says "done" cowboy said "for my third wish, I want a dong as big as my horse!" Frog says "done" so the cowboy goes home, opens the first trunk and gold coins start tumbling out onto the floor! So he pops the second one and it's stacked to the lid with $100 bills! He unzips his fly and reaches in and his eyes get big as saucers, and he says "oh darn, I was riding a mare today!"

[Little red riding hood]

An old lady is digging through her attic one day when she comes across an old oil lamp, she takes it downstairs with her and sits in her rocker and starts polishing it when suddenly! Out pops a genie! He tells her that she has 3 wishes, so she says, "I wish I was young and beautiful again" *poof* she's young and beautiful again! She says, "I wish my rocker was pure gold" *poof* her rocker is pure gold. She says, "i wish my cat was a handsome young Prince *poof* kitty turns into a Prince. He comes over and starts rubbing her shoulders and whispers in her ear, "I'll bet now you're wishing you hadn't had me neutered!"

[Parker Hale]

As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy.11, a Blonde catches up.. She jumps out of her car, runs up to
his Truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the Window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you
Are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl
Catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and Knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
"Hi, my name is Heather, and you are Losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and Continues down the street. At the third red light, the same Thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up,Knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window.. Again she says, "Hi, my Name is Heather, and you are
Losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to The next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets Out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on Her window, and as she lowers it, he says,.............

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA, and I’m driving the SALT TRUCK....!

[Gerry]

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain't making' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder....

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

[Gerry]

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air
Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks"
are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance
crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough."
Solution: "Auto-land not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."

Problem: "#1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Solution: "Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Auto-pilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm
descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

[Gerry]

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals.
The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The
good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword. "Vive la France!" he screams, and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol. The Brit. points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out every part of his body -- it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and asks, "My God Almighty, what are you doing?"
The New Yorker says, "So much for your canoe!"

[Gerry]

A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about."
"Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn-out so I gave her a pair of your shoes that you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours
that you don't fit into anymore."
"Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' So, here we are!"