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  #451  
Old 03-15-2018, 07:05 PM
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Two men are fishing in a boat under a bridge and see a funeral procession starting across the bridge. One of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge, and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel and continues fishing.

His friend says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

He responds, "Well, I guess it was the right thing to do -- after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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  #452  
Old 03-15-2018, 07:19 PM
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I hate taking a woman ocean fishing with my fishing buddies. When the woman gets home she always complain about the red snapper.
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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  #453  
Old 03-16-2018, 01:09 AM
Fifth Wheel Fifth Wheel is offline
 
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This new scam is being perpetrated on men.

What happens is that when you stop for a red light a young, nude woman
comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield.

While she is doing this another person opens your back door and steals
anything in the car.

They are very good at this.


They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday.

I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.
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  #454  
Old 03-16-2018, 01:27 AM
Fifth Wheel Fifth Wheel is offline
 
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Revenue Canada sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way. "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to Revenue Canada."

"To Revenue Canada?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to Revenue Canada. And about once a year, they send us a little p***k like you."
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  #455  
Old 03-16-2018, 01:39 AM
Fifth Wheel Fifth Wheel is offline
 
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Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am."

The first guy says, "So am I. And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begorrah, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world, so did I. So did I. And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
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  #456  
Old 03-16-2018, 01:56 AM
Fifth Wheel Fifth Wheel is offline
 
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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. So when asked, one older man replied, "Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, ‘Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’

"He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi ********. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him another really ugly name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

"This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn’t care. We came into town by bus and the car had a Trudeau sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. It’s important at our age.”
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  #457  
Old 03-16-2018, 02:24 AM
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Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Rita, are walking and it is getting dark. They are still far away from the convent. A worried Sister Mary asks, "Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 10 minutes? I wonder what he wants."

"It's logical. He wants to rape us," replies Sister Rita.

"Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in a few minutes at the most! What can we do?"

"The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster."

After a short distance, Sister Mary exclaims, "It's not working!"

"Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too."

"So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute."

"The only logical thing we can do is split," replies Sister Rita. "You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both."

So the man decides to follow Sister Rita. Sister Mary arrives at the convent, worried about what has happened to Sister Rita. A short time later, she arrives.

"Sister Rita!" says a relieved Sister Mary. "Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened."

"The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me."

"Yes, yes. But what happened then?"

"The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could."

"And?"

"The only logical thing happened. He reached me."

"Oh, dear! What did you do?"

"The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up."

"Oh, Sister Rita! What did the man do?"

"The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants."

"Oh, no! What happened then?"

"Isn't it logical, Sister Mary? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down."
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  #458  
Old 03-16-2018, 02:43 AM
Fifth Wheel Fifth Wheel is offline
 
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A man owned a small farm near Camrose. The Alberta Government, Employment Standards claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an auditor out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the auditor.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $400 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $250 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to -- the half-wit," says the auditor.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.
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  #459  
Old 03-16-2018, 03:02 AM
Fifth Wheel Fifth Wheel is offline
 
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Interesting health fact:

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a crappy outlook on life. If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye!
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  #460  
Old 03-16-2018, 03:11 AM
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Members of the Notley's government have been proposing that coyotes could be captured alive and neutered, rather than shot or trapped. Someone needs to explain to these lefties that the coyotes are eating the livestock, not f***ing them.
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  #461  
Old 03-16-2018, 02:26 PM
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A fellow walks into a bar
There's only two others in the bar and he noticed that they were
conversing in sign language.
After a few drinks the bartender brings him another and looks over at the two
other guys. There hands are all over the place waving in the air.
The bartender goes over and grabs them by the collar and runs them out of the bar.
The guy asks "what did you do that for?"
The bartender replies "if I told them once, I told them a hundred times, no singing in here."
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  #462  
Old 03-16-2018, 02:27 PM
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A priest is in a church, when he sees a totally drunk guy come in.
The guy, after bouncing from pew to pew finally makes it into the confessional.
The priest say's to himself, "well I might as well get this over with" and goes into the other side, open's up the little door and asks, "can I help you my son?"
An answer comes back from the other side saying, "no I’m all right, no wait a minute, do you have any toilet paper on your side?"
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  #463  
Old 03-16-2018, 02:28 PM
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A third grade teacher decides that each Friday she'll ask her class a question, a real stumper. If it's answered correctly, everyone gets the next Monday off. The first Friday she asks, "how many grains of sand are there on a beach 50x50x6 feet deep?" No one knows the answer. The next Friday she asks, "how many gallons of water are there in the Atlantic ocean?" again no one knows. This goes on for a couple of weeks until one kid gets fed up.
On Thursday he paints two marbles black and on Friday takes them to school, he rolls them down the aisle just as the teacher is about to ask her question, seeing them, she says, "All right, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
The kid yells out "Bill Cosby, see you on Tuesday teach."
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  #464  
Old 03-16-2018, 02:28 PM
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An eighty year old man goes to a house of prostitution.
"How much?" he asks.
"For you, $100.00."
"your putting me on."
"No way, That would be $25.00 extra."
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  #465  
Old 03-16-2018, 02:29 PM
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A guy’s wife goes to the doctor for a check-up, so on the way home from work he stops in at the clinic to hear what the doctor has to say.
“Well,” say’s the doc, “after checking her over, she either has Alzheimer’s or aids.”
“How the hell do I find out for sure what she has?” the guy asks.
“Well,” say’s the doc, “drive her about 8 blocks from home and drop her off.”
“Yea, and?”
“And if she finds her way home don’t have sex with her.”
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  #466  
Old 03-16-2018, 02:30 PM
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Did you hear what happened when the pope went to mount olive?
Popeye dammed near killed him.
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  #467  
Old 03-16-2018, 02:31 PM
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A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks "Is anyone here a doctor?". One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says "I'm a doctor, what can I help you with?"
"I've been stung by a bee"
"Oh really, where?"
"Between the first and second hole"
"Well first of all, your stance is too wide...."
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  #468  
Old 03-16-2018, 02:31 PM
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One day a twelve year old boy walks into a brothel, dragging a dead frog behind him.
The Madam asks "Can I help you son?"
He replies "Yea, I want the dirtiest, filthiest girl you have."
She says "Do you have any money?"
So he gets out his wallet and gives her $200
The Madam says "OK, she’ll be ready for you in about 10 min. She'll be waiting for you up stairs."
So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. 1/2 an hour later he comes down the stairs, with a big grin on his face, still dragging the dead frog.
By now the Madam is curious so she asked him "Why did you come in here, dragging a dead frog and asking for the dirtiest, filthiest girl I have?".
He say’s “She has a disease doesn’t she?”
She replies, “yes.”
"Well, it’s like this”, he says "When I get home tonight I do it to the baby-sitter then she'll get it. Then when my parents get home dad will drive her home and on the way they'll stop and have sex, and he'll get it. Later when dad gets home mom and dad will make love and she'll get it. And at about 9.30 tomorrow morning, when dad has gone to work, the milkman will come round,
screw my mother and he'll get it."
That will teach the bastard for killing my frog!!
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  #469  
Old 03-16-2018, 02:33 PM
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Sister Margaret died and through some grievous error wound up in hell instead of heaven.
She got on the phone to St. Peter to tell him some horrible mistake had been made. St. Peter promised to get right on it.
The next day the good sister was still with all of the sinners. St. Peter received a second panicked phone call. “This is sister Margaret again. You’ve got to help me. There’s an orgy planned for first thing tomorrow morning.”
St. Peter again promised to get right on it.
At about noon the next day he receives a third phone call, “Hey Pete, This is Maggie, forget about the transfer.”
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  #470  
Old 03-16-2018, 02:34 PM
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A guy with a real bad lisp walks into a store to buy some nuts.
“How much are your cathews?” he asks.
“Fifteen bucks a pound.” the guy behind the counter says.
“How much are your pecanths?”
“Eight bucks a pound.” the guy behind the counter says.
“OK I’ll take half a pound of each and thankth for not making fun of my lithp.”
“Not a problem, you never made fun of my big nose.”
“Your big noth? Your nuths are so high, I thought that waths your dick”
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  #471  
Old 03-17-2018, 04:53 PM
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The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn’t been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.
At once, they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave.”
The old man frowned, “I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim
naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked.”
Holding up the bucket, he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”
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  #472  
Old 03-17-2018, 06:55 PM
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Little red riding hood Little red riding hood is offline
 
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Suzy is being very quiet in class one day, when suddenly she asks "teacher, can my gramma have a baby?" Teacher says "no dear, your gramma is too old to have a baby" a few minutes go by when Suzy asks again... "teacher, can my mommy have a baby?" Teacher says "well... yes, your mommy could have a baby."
"Well could I have a baby?"
"Goodness no! You're much too young!"
Little Johnny pipes up from the back of class
" See! I told you you've got nothing to worry about!"
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  #473  
Old 03-17-2018, 07:23 PM
RandyBoBandy RandyBoBandy is offline
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RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR A GOOD MARRIAGE


1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship
- she goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds - hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere - but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said - so I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands - if I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said, "There are too many gadgets,

and no place to sit down!" - so I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburettor.

I asked where the car was - she told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days - then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "ALWAYS.'

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault, though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"

I said, "Dust".
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  #474  
Old 03-17-2018, 08:11 PM
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Q* If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
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  #475  
Old 03-18-2018, 07:23 AM
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A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse,”‘ he speaks uneasily from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse responds, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and foot.”
He tries to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look normal.”
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you so much. That was great. Now listen very, very closely:
Are – my – test – results – back?”
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  #476  
Old 03-18-2018, 10:17 AM
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My daughter who is at college came to me in tears the other day saying that I have given her terrible financial advice. When I quizzed her on what she meant she said, “It was you that said to put all my money into that particular bank and now it has troubles.”
“You must be mistaken” I told her, “It’s one of the biggest in the county.”
“Well, why have they just sent back my checks with a note that says,
‘Insufficient funds’!
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  #477  
Old 03-18-2018, 11:05 AM
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There was this guy who just got a new job as a school bus driver for elementary school children. He thought it would be nice to paint the school bus with characters from Sesame Street. So he painted Bert and Ernie, Big Bird, The Cookie Monster and the rest on the bus.
At his first stop, there was this very overweight little girl. He opened the door and said, “Hi, I’m the new bus driver. What is your name?” The girl said that her name was Pattie.
Waiting at the next stop was another overweight little girl. He said, “Hi, I’m the new bus driver. What is your name?” She said that her name was Pattie also.
At the next stop, there was a grown woman and a little boy. The bus driver said,
“Hi, I’m the new bus driver. What is your name?”
The woman piped up and said, “His name is Ross and he is my son.” She continued,
“He is very, very special, so I want you to take extra good care of him.”
The bus driver replied, “No problem. He can have this seat right behind me and I can watch him carefully in the mirror.”
At the next stop, there was this little country boy standing there. The little boy was wearing tattered overalls and had no shoes or socks on his feet. The poor little boy had problems walking because of bunions all over his feet. The bus driver said, “Hi, I’m the new bus driver. What is your name?”
The little boy replied, “My name is Lester Cleese.” Well, little Lester picked at his bunions all the way to the school house, nearly driving the driver crazy.
Later that night, at home, his wife asked him how his first day on the new job was.
The man replied:
“Well, I had Two Obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester Cleese Picking Bunions On A Sesame Street Bus.”
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  #478  
Old 03-18-2018, 12:39 PM
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I was in the local pub yesterday, celebrating St. Patrick's day.
I told the fellow sitting next to me that I have relatives back in Dublin.
Him: "Oh, really?"
Me: "No, O'Reilly."
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  #479  
Old 03-18-2018, 06:23 PM
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An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible, Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
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  #480  
Old 03-19-2018, 10:19 AM
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guy goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.” The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?” “Never Father, I’m Jewish.” “So then, why are you telling me?” “I’m telling everybody!”
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