Another Joke of the Day

[RedHeadedFisherman]

I was in Timmy's recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.


The music was really, really loud, so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.



After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....







Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.


...and how was your day?

[bowhunter9841]

That's a great one!

[Gerry]

*Dougie**and**Gina**are shopping in their local mall and pass a licquer store.*
*Dougie runs in and picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
“What do you think you're doing?” asks*Gina.
“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans”*Dougie*replies.*
“Put them back, we can't afford them” demands*Gina, and so they carry on shopping.*
A few stores further on along*Gina*runs in and picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.*
*“What do you think you're doing?” asks*Dougie*.*
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies*Gina*.*
*Dougie*retorts: “yeah, but so does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.”

Awaking in the hospital.
He never knew what hit him

[bear crossing]

Those were good ,made me jiggle. Just what we need to destress after a long day.thanx.

that made me laugh thanks .

[rwm1273]

Michael Ignatieff was invited to address a major gathering of the Indian Nation in B.C. this summer...

He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every First Nation's present standard of living if he were elected Prime Minister.



He assured them he was always urging the present government to address more of the native community's concerns.

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribe presented the Ignatieff with a plaque inscribed with his new
Indian name - "Walking Eagle".



The proud Ignatieff then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.



A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name given to Ignatieff.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of crap it can no longer fly.

[Alberta Bigbore]

thats funny LOLOL !!

[sureshot]

Thanks for the laugh I really needed it today.

Andy

[rwm1273]

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if military action against Iraq and Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's and Canada's supply of convenience store managers.

And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Visa, Bell and Rogers customer service reps.

It's getting ugly folks.

[rwm1273]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."






The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......








On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......


On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service .

[RedHeadedFisherman]

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The
president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you
$25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock
tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that
there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked

the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,








'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada !'

[Redfrog]

I tried a new drink. IT's called a Bin Laden.

Double shot with a splash of water.

[RedHeadedFisherman]

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister
Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her
husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the
sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper
thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to
be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with ...

?











A Misdewiener!

[finsnfeathers]

Two Newfies go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer.
After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot, but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener.
The first Newfie turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we'll have no beer.
"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."
"I promise I won't," says the first Newfie.. " Just hurry!"
NINE FULL DAYS pass and there's still no sign of the second Newfie.
Exasperated and starving, the first Newfie digs into the sandwiches.
Suddenly, the second Newfie pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it !!!! ...I f....g well knew it.I'm not f.....g going!!!!"

[RedHeadedFisherman]

**'Hello?'**


**'Hi honey.**

**This is Daddy.**

**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.**

**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.'**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.'**


**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**

**Right now..'**

Brief Pause.
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**

**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**

**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**

**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**

**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?

' **

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**

**And into the swimming pool.**

**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**

**Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
*****Long Pause*****



*****Longer Pause*****


*****Even Longer Pause*****


**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool? ............**





**Is this 486-5731?'*





**No, I think you have the wrong number........*

************************************************** ********

[RedHeadedFisherman]

'One day my house-work challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the
washing machine?'

It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE! '
And they say blondes are dumb....
----------------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you.......
----------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,'
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy..
---------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping
for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
-------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
-------------------------------------------------

[Dak1138]

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow.