What responsibilities do your teens have in the home?

[sns2]

Probably shouldn't start a thread when frustrated, but too late now. LOL. I have got two teens: 19 yr old daughter and 16 yr old son. Getting them to lift a finger around the house and pitch in is like pulling teeth. They are both good kids on the whole.

My daughter is in university, but works as a lifeguard, and picks up casual shifts at Chapters, and in the little spare time she has volunteers with youth. Smart as a whip. Her mom did lots right. However, she is as messy as hell. Her room is a no-go zone for me, as it just ticks me off. But, she's got one foot out the door, and her mom has convinced me that her room has been a pig sty since she was a kid, and it's not a hill to die on. My wife is a better parent, so I listen.

My 16 yr old son is ticking me off though. He is an easy going kid, does well in his studies too. He's a big athlete at his high school and when not busy with his team sports, is working out with his buddies at the gym. But that's the problem. He thinks his life revolves around sports, and that he doesn't have to do his share around the house. Even getting him to help me train our hunting dog for 30 minutes is a chore.

My only expectations are to put your dishes away, cut the grass, and in the winter blow the snow. To get him to do any is a wrestling match, and so most times I just do it myself. I know I am not doing him any favors by letting him off the hook though.

So my question for you dads is two-fold: a) What responsibilities were expected of your teens? b) How did you get them to do them without an argument?

Thanks for listening to my rant

[hal53]

Not sure about the around the house stuff...but if my kid wasn't interested in helping with the hunting dog he would miss a few hunting trips this fall.....as for the girl, by experience, I have found the best way to handle the messiness is to grit your teeth and count the days till she is on her own......

[Smoky buck]

My 15 year old son does dishes, helps with firewood, mows the lawn, keeps his room clean, and whatever other tasks I tell him he needs to do. He is also Athletic eats sleeps and breaths basketball. He also works out with our home gym. He may complain or try to bargain for a min but still does his chores.

My kid listens because I have never tolerated lazy and he knows it

Odds are you are SOL for not having it nipped in the butt years ago. Hate to say it but I think you’re screwed

[Weedy1]

I have got one teen: 18 yr old daughter. Getting her to lift a finger around the house and pitch in is like pulling teeth. She is good kid on the whole.

My daughter is in university, in the little spare time she has volunteers with at a long term care with brain injury patients. Smart as a whip. Her mom did lots right. However, she is as messy as hell. Her room is a no-go zone for me, as it just ticks me off. But, she's got one foot out the door, and her mom has convinced me that her room has been a pig sty since she was a kid, and it's not a hill to die on. My wife is a better parent, so I listen.

To answer your questions:

a) What responsibilities were expected of your teens?

Really funny you should ask. The following is a note I came across in my documents folder just last night that I left my child when she was 16, how much do you think she ever did?

Chores
Chore #1 – clean up your dogs poop at least every second day, summer, spring, winter and fall.
Chore #2 – clean your room at least once per week.
Chore #3 – take out the garbage when it is full.
Chore #4 – set the dinner table when asked to do so.
Chore #5 – help vacuum on the weekend if asked to.
Chore #6– future chore for lipping off.
Chore #7 – future chore for lipping off.
Chore #8 – future chore for lipping off.
Chore #9 – future chore cause you lipped off three times. Ouch!!!! Double whammy!!!!!!


b) How did you get them to do them without WWIII?

You don't.........beer helps.

[2 Tollers]

Originally Posted by sns2

her mom has convinced me that her room has been a pig sty since she was a kid, and it's not a hill to die on. My wife is a better parent, so I listen.

My only expectations are to put your dishes away, cut the grass, and in the winter blow the snow. To get him to do any is a wrestling match, and so most times I just do it myself. I know I am not doing him any favors by letting him off the hook though.

So my question for you dads is two-fold: a) What responsibilities were expected of your teens? b) How did you get them to do them without WWIII?
Thanks for listening to my rant

Your house sounds like it runs exactly ours did 25 years ago. My wife caught our son laughing as he was handing me the wrong tools when I was under the truck. He knew I would get frustrated and say he could leave. Hindsight being an A personality I was not the best person at times for teaching a son.

I do believe that raising a kid in the City is not the same as farm country --- I was raised on farm they were raised City so they had much less in terms of responsibilities starting off when they were toddlers. It is hard to go backwards.

I can tell you that both of ours turned out well and now if there is anything that we need help on they are there for us. So the future for you should still be good. For now do not sweat the small stuff and just be happy that the kids want to be around. Faking a back or hip injury (with back up from the wife) to get some help every now and then is allowed.

I would add that both of our kids had outside jobs, paid for their own way through PSE and covered their own travel / entertainment expenses. So there was a trade off of sorts. Their outside employers all said they were very good employees and went the extra step. Both kids are now neat freaks in their own homes and take extra care when in ours.

[tbiddy]

I agree that if the worse thing with your daughter is a messy room. Just close the door, grit your teeth. Out of site out of mind.

As far as the son. Are their consequences? If what is asked is not done, then money, phone, car, gas, wifi, etc... is taken away. And you have to follow through. If they know you’ll cave then it isn’t worth it. I know it sounds like an easy answer but that’s the only thing that worked for us. This day and age, a teenager with no phone is like cutting off their arm.

I’m in my early 40’s but when we were growing up we lived in a small town, didn’t have fancy stuff and had chores. Nothing crazy but simple things like do the dishes, mow the grass and shovel the snow. Had a list on the wall for me and my two siblings and just did it. Once I moved out the parents got a dishwasher and a snowblower haha. Wife grew up the opposite. Lived in the city, grew up wealthy and didn’t have chores. We butt heads sometimes about work ethic but meet in the middle.

[bessiedog]

Well..

I take a pragmatic approach..... some would say tough love.

Everyone in the house contribute it’s to the family every day.
You got options (we’ll put a list up. I check because at one time I had 5 kids under my roof)
We check daily. Our efforts to pay and drive for sports and music and such costs the family.

8 years ago, the oldest decided he was in high school and really didn’t need to do chores again. So after weeks of passive aggressive lethargy (which just drains me at the end of the day) we sat him down and gave him pragmatic options and we were serious.

1. If you want full adult freedom ..... you are 16. We love you and always will, but you’ll be moving out on your own now.

2. You can live here and not do chores, but you must go seek employment. Re t is an extremely reasonable $200/month. Cash at end of month.

3. You can commit one hour / day to chores around the house. You must also commit to house projects for labour ( oil changes, roofing, fencing, decking)


If I drive you to work, it’s $5 a drive. Cash in advance.

You can rent my vehicles for 15 a day.

It’s working pretty good so far.


Your their parent. Not their buddy. It’s really hard to keep that policy. Love em by learning em.

[Kurt505]

My son is 16, soon to be 17, goes to school and works 3-5 days a week part time. Shovel the walks in the winter, mow the lawn in the summer, and take out the garbage once a week. He hates it, and has to be told to do it every time. As soon as I tell him to take out the garbage or mow the lawn or shovel the walk, the fight is on but I don’t think I’ve ever let him get away with not doing it. There certainly was no arguing with my Dad when I was told to do something, but I still think I had to be told to do it.

On the flip side, I pay his phone bill and when he wanted a bmx, I got him a bmx. He wanted a rifle, I got him a rifle. He wanted a quad, I got him a quad. He wanted a snowmobile, I got him a snowmobile. He wanted a truck, I got him a truck. But every single purchase he pitched in his money and I added whatever it took to get it.

Now he’s driving he pays for his own insurance and fuel, I figured that would be good but the one thing I didn’t consider was When the transmission went in his truck, and all he had saved up was $900 to pay towards the $3500 bill that pretty much burnt up Dads toy fund for a while. Summers coming and he’ll be working more hours and saving a couple grand for when the next shop bill comes up.

[BobM]

I have 3 sons and went through the trials of the teen age years where to get them to do anything around the house was like getting a wisdom tooth pulled. However we all survived and now they are all married to 3 wonderful ladies who took then off my hands and they have children who are putting them through the same crap they did to me. What really gets to them is Grandpa can get them to do anything without a wimper could have something to do with Gramps toys, i.e. quads,snowmobiles and boats. But I look at them at home with their parents and the old saying What Goes Around Comes Around is very true.
Off to my younger sons this week end to show him how to patch a hole in dry wall.

Love it

[Pathfinder76]

Organized Sports are the most overrated activity in the civilized world. Bar none. And I played High School sports. What a waste of time. Just imagine if the time spent on them was used for pursuing higher learning, developing a skill, working, serving the less fortunate, or even cleaning up your room.

[sns2]

Originally Posted by chuck

Organized Sports are the most overrated activity in the civilized world. Bar none. And I played High School sports. What a waste of time. Just imagine if the time spent on them was used for pursuing higher learning, developing a skill, working, serving the less fortunate, or even cleaning up your room.

I disagree on that, but feel free to contribute to the questions at the end of my original post

[Wrongside]

We expect our two teenage sons to pitch in around the house, and they have since a young age. They alternate weeks on dishes, help vacuum, clean bathrooms, yard work, and recently help me with auto repairs/maintenance, etc... Whatever is needed to help the household run smoothly. Because, we help each other. That's what families do, IMO.

They're good kids, and mostly help out happily. But there have been instances of attitude or 'argumentative laziness', mostly in their younger years. I grew up a farm kid- we had household chores & 'real chores', plus haying in the summer and logging in the winter+++ - maybe as a result I have precious little patience for my kids whining about or procrastinating 'a sink full of dishes' or any other minor chore. Whining or flaking out very quickly resulted in loss of privileges- they are very active and busy, so no shortage of interests to choose from. Sports, cadets, hunting, shooting, mountain biking, backpacking, camping, on and on... None of those are human rights... (I sound like such a ogre, but I'm really not. LOL.) It really bites the few times its came to that, but I firmly believe those instances helped inform their future decisions, and make all our lives better in the long run.

Good luck with your kiddos, sns2.

[JD848]

Originally Posted by chuck

organized sports are the most overrated activity in the civilized world. Bar none. And i played high school sports. What a waste of time. Just imagine if the time spent on them was used for pursuing higher learning, developing a skill, working, serving the less fortunate, or even cleaning up your room.

wrong.

[BuckCuller]

Welcome to teenagers it is a struggle with chores as thier interests start to take over priority. Persistence is the way of the ninja father. Yes it is easier to just do it yourself but they need to do the chores to gain valuable learnings and habits.
Your doing things right it just takes energy to be forceful.
I remember one time my daughter said that none of her friends do chores like I have to do. I sat her down and told her that her friends are not my children so I don’t really care what they do but I will not raise a useless human being that does not contribute to society and get back to work.
She understands now.
The son well he’s still a struggle I call him my work in progress.

I tell you what you could be in a lot worse situation, sounds like they are doing well and staying out of trouble.
All I really want is for my kids to be healthy physically and mentally.
Be happy and do well in life.
If I can achieve those few things I’ll call my parenting successful.

PS. Sometimes I give them a special chore that’s out of their usual realm of chores and throw them a little cash.

[Trochu]

Don't have teenagers, so I can't help you there. But we started the kids doing chores around the house at 3. I'm hoping it helps alleviate some of the issues as teens down the road. When I was a teen, it was mowing the lawn, shoveling the snow, setting the table, doing the dishes, and keeping my room clean. Some of those tasks alternated with siblings, but when it snowed for example, we were all out there shoveling.

[BuckCuller]

Originally Posted by JD848

wrong.

X2
Sports come with a lot of life lessons as well as a healthy lifestyle.
Responsibility
Team work
Dealing with failure
Drive
Success
Dealing with criticism
Motor skills
Learning and study.
Planning
The importance of being on time
Proper diet
Social skills
The list goes on.

I feel pets are a great character builder also.

[Bushrat]

It was simple when I grew up. You don't do what is expected, you don't get fed and can live somewhere else.

[wwbirds]

Went through 3 teens and all were different. Oldest daughter was really into girl/mom stuff like sewing knitting and contributed around kitchen until about 18 she also did dog chores such as feeding watering and gunning and throwing for several years. About 19 when she no longer felt she had to make a contribution around the house or farm she also decided to move to city and get a place with her girlfriends (another story).
Boys were as different as night and day but I had to find their strengths and weaknesses over time. Oldest was great for dog and bird chores helping around yard and also did well in school played high level hockey and played in a band. Overachiever but mechanical stuff frustrated him from simple stuff like building stuff, maintaining vehicles (including his own to this day)or repairing something. Great hands for hockey but not a screwdriver.

Youngest also did chores around farm but he enjoyed taking things apart to see how they worked from a very young age. He would do construction, plumbing or electrical but was a bit of a computer nerd so had no use for sports dogs or birds. did get both boys hunting and showed them what they needed to do to train their own dogs. Result was dad always had the best trained hunting dog so seldom a need to take theirs along. They both did gunning and throwing for me and found the benefit years later when they could make hundreds of dollars as experienced throwers working licensed field trials for retriever clubs. Dont schedule a battle other than basic household chores find what they enjoy and are interested in and milk that.

[Mavrick]

Relax it won’t be forever, believe me. Your magic time is coming,it’s called grand kids. They will make your kids pay big time, and you can smile and rub it in. My wife always said kids would bring joy to my life. They did “ the joy” just skipped a generation.

[RandyBoBandy]

Wish I could help ... I have 3 daughters now in their 30's and they were PERFECT...

[Pathfinder76]

Originally Posted by BuckCuller

X2
Sports come with a lot of life lessons as well as a healthy lifestyle.
Responsibility
Team work
Dealing with failure
Drive
Success
Dealing with criticism
Motor skills
Learning and study.
Planning
The importance of being on time
Proper diet
Social skills
The list goes on.

I feel pets are a great character builder also.

That’s what everyone tells themselves. I’m sitting in a restaurant right now next to an entire teenage baseball team. What a bunch of rude foul mouthed human beings. I’d be embarrassed to be a parent of any of them.

[RandyBoBandy]

Originally Posted by chuck

That’s what everyone tells themselves. I’m sitting in a restaurant right now next to an entire teenage baseball team. What a bunch of rude foul mouthed human beings. I’d be embarrassed to be a parent of any of them.

Well you can thank the parents and coaches of that team for NOT holding them accountable for the team's public actions

[sns2]

Thanks for the many great responses. Soothes my ticked off grey matter

Car keys and cell phone will go bye-bye next time I have to raise my voice.

Keep the thoughts coming as this is a good thread.

[JD848]

You can only do your best and sometimes part of that is tough love,but not some control freak which I know sns you are not.I realized a long time ago your never going to get a perfect child,but there were rules like helping her mom around the house,cutting the grass etc.I was gone 320 days a year so my wife needed help in the household.

It's good for kids to be in sports and develop skills to get along with others and put challenges in front of them.My wife did all kinda sports with my daughter and those were both very good times for both of them

I gave my child lots of freedom ,but with that there was trust not to screw up.Like her first year of university which she failed having a good time on my tab.She worked from the age of 13 at subway and never ever went sideways on me.

I came home and the wife told me and deep inside I knew she would think she broke that trust and she came over crying to me and I said stop crying,plus what are you crying about.

She looked at in shock and I just said if you want to destroy your life then go for it ,I told her I did my best and now your on your own if that's the road you wish to go down.I gave her a hug and said I screwed up plenty in my life and it hurt me badly and I hate for you to screw up your life.

She went back and graduated in everything she did and became a very fine adult.She now has a fine career and is very good mother,but now my grandchildren are on the list on how life goes and I am having a hell of a time.

Sns as a father I think your a very good one because if you didn't care about your kids you won't have wrote this up.So all you can do is your best and tough love is part of being a parent,so in the big picture of things all kids do change as time goes on and I think there future is going to be just fine.

JD

[Pathfinder76]

Originally Posted by RandyBoBandy

Well you can thank the parents and coaches of that team for NOT holding them accountable for the team's public actions

If kids need to be taught life skills by playing sports the parents have already failed.

[BuckCuller]

Originally Posted by chuck

That’s what everyone tells themselves. I’m sitting in a restaurant right now next to an entire teenage baseball team. What a bunch of rude foul mouthed human beings. I’d be embarrassed to be a parent of any of them.

You should speak up and put some guilt into the coaches and parents to make them responsible for thier group. Put in a complaint to the restaurant.
Sitting there and taking it will not get it remedied.

And yes there are a lot of crappy parents out there that don’t expect anything out of their kids and don’t put them in sports and expect them to take care of their younger siblings while they spend all of their time at the bar.
A lot of parents also do not discipline their children or are afraid to in public and let the kids act out.
This is a parent problem not a sports issue.

[omega50]

Post their most annoying behaviours to their Facebook Wall.
That is sure to open up some immediate and interesting dialogue

While you are doing that might as well post a few awkward pics of them with bad haircuts to their wall.

You will get their attention, then negotiate from a position of fear and intimidation to gain their compliance.

Did I mention-my kids don't talk to me much anymore.
So that is a positive.

[Zip-in-Z]

No kids ... that said, when I was a teen the oldest of 3 boys, it was all about respect for my Mom as Dad worked shifts in commercial construction & was away a lot, when he was home he spent time with me/us doing things around the home/yard. The family did family things/outings almost every weekend we all contributed with the house/yard/garden work, we were rewarded with more freedom & privileges as long as we were responsible. My dad never really hit us if we were bad, we just lost privileges, and that was our lesson learned, I would think the same logic would apply these days. Left home at 21 and still appreciate what my parents did for me while growing up.

Wish you all the success ....


D.

[Trochu]

Originally Posted by chuck

That’s what everyone tells themselves. I’m sitting in a restaurant right now next to an entire teenage baseball team. What a bunch of rude foul mouthed human beings. I’d be embarrassed to be a parent of any of them.

Are you assuming they are that way because they play sports? I bet most of them watch TV, have a cell phone, go to school, eat at restaurants, etc., you can't be sure until you eliminate all the variables. You'd also need to do a post and pre assessment, if you do narrow it down to sports, maybe they were much worse humans prior to joining the organization.

[DiabeticKripple]

Take the car keys away from them