The Calgary Stampede just announced its new brand to the world.
Henceforth the Calgary Stampede will be known as the, uh, Calgary Stampede.
Apparently the word "Exhibition" was part of the original brand. Who knew?
Now, just two words: Calgary Stampede. Easier for them to spell.
What Calgary officials didn't release was the list of other brands being considered to remake the Stampede into a more contemporary festival. Some Calgarians think a rodeo just doesn't fit with the city's imagined status as the world's centre for politics, business and culture.
The Journal obtained that brand list through the Freedom of Disinformation Act. Here are Calgary's runner-up festival ideas, in no particular order.
- Klein Daze. Inspired by the former Calgary mayor and Alberta premier. Klein Daze celebrations to be held in taverns, casinos and corporate boardrooms. Festivities include elementary essay-writing competitions and a contest titled: Can You Bum Me A Smoke, You Dirty Liberal? Daily passholders get $60 in Monopoly money to throw at homeless people.
- Banffarama. With the mountain park less than an hour away, it's natural for Calgary to include Banff in its major annual festival. The problem? Banff is spelled with an 'N' but pronounced with an 'M'. The plans fell apart when the organizing committee became obsessed with trying to say Banff with that "Nnphh" sound. Several were treated for dislocated uvulae. Jasper rejoiced.
- Stephen Harper Days. Much like Klein Daze, but no beer. Or fun. Calgary celebrates its status as home to the prime minister by kissing up to Quebec, spitting on Liberals and refusing to talk to the press. Yanks get in free.
- Thanks Atlanta Fest. In which Calgary celebrates the fact it borrowed Atlanta's NHL franchise, then plagiarized its team name. Not only that, but Atlanta's a former Olympic city. They're like kin and don't mind hearing about those past glories, over and over and over.
- Capital Envy Ex. In which Calgary cries in its beer over Edmonton being named the provincial capital back in the day. Calls Atlanta. Cries in its beer, too.
- Neoconapalooza. In which the city of Calgary celebrates its uniformity of thinking and the way it votes collectively for right-wing political parties in every election.
- Stockwell Days. Similar to Neoconapalooza, but everyone wears wetsuits and gets demoted for being an idiot.
- Olympic Memories Days. This festival idea was one of the first ones dropped from the short list. Why? Because in Calgary, every day is Olympic Memories Day.
- Brokeback Mountain Fest. Celebrates the fact that this romantic movie was shot in and around Calgary. During the festival, Calgary men go on fishing trips together. No really, they're going fishing. So they're sharing a tent? They're buddies. There's nothing wrong with that.
- BDSM For Animals Days. In which all sorts of animals -- horses, calves, sheep and bulls -- are penned, then forced into corrals to be roped, ridden, wrestled, whipped and kicked. What's that? Too much like the Stampede? Right.
- Eddy Fest. In which Calgary begins seriously sucking up to Premier Ed Stelmach, who lives just too damn close to dreaded Edmonton. Can you believe it, he plans to treat the capital city as the, uh, capital city. Hurry up, name a building after him or something.
- Back to the Eighties Fest. Ah, remember the 1980s. Calgary hosted the Olympics. The Flames won their lone Stanley Cup. Steve Smith was a hero. Gretzky was a whiner. Ralph was at the St. Louis. Men were men. And the Calgary Stampede was the Calgary Exhibition & Stampede. Those were the days, my Calgary friends. To be honest, we're trying to forget.
smckeen@thejournal.canwest.com