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  #211  
Old 02-16-2018, 10:00 PM
Newview01 Newview01 is offline
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Originally Posted by urban rednek View Post
Subtle.
Lol. Best one yet.
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  #212  
Old 02-16-2018, 11:17 PM
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Just saying...
I enjoy all humour like most do but I would remind Gerry that this is a family forum and there should be some filters. A few years ago I got an 2 week suspension infraction on AO because of a cartoon I posted. It wasn't as adult oriented as some of your jokes. Just saying that kids read these posts too.
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Last edited by Red Bullets; 02-16-2018 at 11:27 PM.
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  #213  
Old 02-16-2018, 11:29 PM
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"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Canada now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.
Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Canada and now my name is Mike”.
His Mother's raised voice asked, "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat him. Then she called his father and he got beaten again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mike?" she asked.

"Well shortly after becoming a Canadian, I was attacked by two Arabs."
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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  #214  
Old 02-17-2018, 12:26 PM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Red Bullets View Post
Just saying...
I enjoy all humour like most do but I would remind Gerry that this is a family forum and there should be some filters. A few years ago I got an 2 week suspension infraction on AO because of a cartoon I posted. It wasn't as adult oriented as some of your jokes. Just saying that kids read these posts too.
Thanks, I'll try to keep it low level.
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  #215  
Old 02-17-2018, 12:29 PM
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A devout Catholic woman was running late to church, slipped and fell, skinning her elbows and knees, and splitting her skirt. Dazed and confused, she glanced up and saw a man staring at her from the church steps.
"Are you OK?" he asked.
"Yes, but is Mass out?" she asked.
"No, ma'am", he replied, "but your hat is on crooked."
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  #216  
Old 02-17-2018, 12:31 PM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
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On the way home from the party, the woman said to her husband, "Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and irresistible to women you are?"
"Why no," said the husband, flattered.
"Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?!" she yelled.
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  #217  
Old 02-17-2018, 12:33 PM
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Wolftrapper Wolftrapper is online now
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Red Bullets View Post
"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Canada now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.
Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Canada and now my name is Mike”.
His Mother's raised voice asked, "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat him. Then she called his father and he got beaten again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mike?" she asked.

"Well shortly after becoming a Canadian, I was attacked by two Arabs."
That's a good one.
I'm enjoying this thread.
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  #218  
Old 02-17-2018, 12:36 PM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
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I've found a sure way to relieve office stress:
Step 1: take a deep breath
Step 2: count to 10.
Step 3: set the boss's wastebasket on fire.
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  #219  
Old 02-17-2018, 12:51 PM
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This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, the wind gusted and he got some grit in his eye. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to, the zookeeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk, he explained what had happened. The zookeeper nodded and explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means "screw you".
The explanation didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better and he vowed revenge. The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that the big apes were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on. Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two.
The gorilla looked at the knife in his cage, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eyelid.
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  #220  
Old 02-17-2018, 12:56 PM
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A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his "son" was born without a torso, arms or legs. His son is just a head! But dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, his son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son how proud he is of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swwooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent, then bursts into a whoop of joy! The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "take another drink". The bartender still shakes his head in dismay....
Swwooopp! Two arms pop out! The bar goes wild! The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "take another drink".
The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.....swwoooppp! Two legs pop out! The bar is in chaos! The father thanks God! The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the
left....then to the right....right through the front door, into the street where a truck runs into him and kills him.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender cleans his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune.
The father looks at the bartender in disbelief and says, "How can you be so cold and callous?"
The bartender says...."That boy should have quit while he was a head."
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  #221  
Old 02-17-2018, 12:57 PM
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WARNING SIGNS THAT SHOULD BE PLACED ON BOOZE BOTTLES TO TIP OFF DRINKERS ABOUT THE POSSIBLE PERIL
OF POUNDING A PINT OR TWO.

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a **** truck at 100 yards.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an *******.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember)

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.
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  #222  
Old 02-17-2018, 01:02 PM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
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A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it
just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She
tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with
her. So... I switched the heads"
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  #223  
Old 02-17-2018, 02:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerry View Post
WARNING SIGNS THAT SHOULD BE PLACED ON BOOZE BOTTLES TO TIP OFF DRINKERS ABOUT THE POSSIBLE PERIL
OF POUNDING A PINT OR TWO.

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a **** truck at 100 yards.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an *******.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember)

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.
Lol I could relate to some of these things.
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  #224  
Old 02-17-2018, 06:40 PM
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A man was driving his car down the road beside a provincial mental hospital. Suddenly, a wheel came off his car and continued rolling far down the street. He brought the car to a stop and jogged down the road to retrieve the wheel. He carried the wheel back to his vehicle and took the jack out of the trunk so that he could put the wheel back on. He realized that he was missing the lug nuts and proceeded to walk back up the street in the hopes of finding them. Unable to find the lug nuts, he walked back to his car, sat on the curb and tried to figure what his next step should be.

"Hey buddy!", a voice called out from behind the fence of the mental hospital.

"What?", asked the man.

"Take one lug nut off of each of your other wheels and use them to fasten the wheel that fell off. That should get you to the auto parts store where you can get replacements."

" That's ingenious," said the man, "why on earth are you inside that institution?".

"I'm here because I'm crazy," said the mental patient "not because I'm stupid."
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  #225  
Old 02-17-2018, 08:20 PM
colroggal colroggal is offline
 
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A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit:
"Mr Rabbit," he says, "do you ever have problems with poop sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit shakes his head. "Nope," he says, "can't say it's ever been an issue."
"Good to hear," says the bear. He finishes up, grabs the rabbit and wipes.

Colin
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  #226  
Old 02-17-2018, 08:30 PM
colroggal colroggal is offline
 
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Merl and Norm are driving home for a few days rest after a long tour in the patch. On a country road they come across a sheep, its head stuck in a barbed wire fence, bleating its fool head off. Being good hearted boys they stop and free the poor thing to run off and rejoin it's flock.

Feeling good about their deed they drive on. A few minutes of silence later, Merl turns to Norm and says, "A shame that wasn't Jessica Simpson."

Norm chuckles and nods. A few minutes pass. Norm nudges Merl. "Shame it wasn't dark..."

Colin
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  #227  
Old 02-17-2018, 08:54 PM
colroggal colroggal is offline
 
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More 'a guy with no arms and no legs' jokes...

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?

Art

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting at the front door?

Matt

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting in a meadow?

Dale

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting in a valley?

Glen

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs laying in a hole?

Phil

What do you call a (white) guy with no arms and no legs floating in the bay?

Bob

What do you call a black man (circa 1951) with no arms and no legs floating in the bay?

Bouy

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting in a bog?

Pete

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting on the hearth?

Ashe

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs enjoying the sunset?

Eve

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs watching a sunrise?

Dawn

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs laying in the bushes?

Fern


Okay, enough for now

Colin
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  #228  
Old 02-17-2018, 08:57 PM
colroggal colroggal is offline
 
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What's the difference between God and a dispatcher?

God doesn't think He's a dispatcher.

Colin
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  #229  
Old 02-17-2018, 09:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by colroggal View Post
Merl and Norm are driving home for a few days rest after a long tour in the patch. On a country road they come across a sheep, its head stuck in a barbed wire fence, bleating its fool head off. Being good hearted boys they stop and free the poor thing to run off and rejoin it's flock.

Feeling good about their deed they drive on. A few minutes of silence later, Merl turns to Norm and says, "A shame that wasn't Jessica Simpson."

Norm chuckles and nods. A few minutes pass. Norm nudges Merl. "Shame it wasn't dark..."

Colin
This reminds me of one from years ago, same setting ,,,,two guys driving down the road and come across a sheep with its head stuck in a wire fence the driver stops and gets out of the truck and proceeds to have sex with the sheep,when finished he gets back in the truck and says to his friend ,,,your turn,, his buddy gets out an sticks his head in the wire fence.
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If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
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  #230  
Old 02-17-2018, 09:58 PM
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Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
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A fellow woke up to find there was a escaped gorilla in the tree in his backyard. He found an animal control specialist to come remove the gorilla.

The fellow came to the back yard with a rope, a stick, a ladder, a german shepard dog and a gun. He set the ladder up by the tree and then handed the gun to the homeowner. The homeowner asked what all the things were for.

The animal control guy told him, "I'm gonna climb the ladder and prod the gorilla with the stick and when the gorilla falls the dog is trained to grab the gorilla by the crotch and hold him. Then I'm gonna climb down and tie the gorilla up.

The homeowner asks, "So, what's the gun for?"

The specialist replied, " If I fall shoot that darn dog!"
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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  #231  
Old 02-17-2018, 10:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by colroggal View Post
More 'a guy with no arms and no legs' jokes...

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?

Art

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting at the front door?

Matt

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting in a meadow?

Dale

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting in a valley?

Glen

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs laying in a hole?

Phil

What do you call a (white) guy with no arms and no legs floating in the bay?

Bob

What do you call a black man (circa 1951) with no arms and no legs floating in the bay?

Bouy

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting in a bog?

Pete

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting on the hearth?

Ashe

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs enjoying the sunset?

Eve

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs watching a sunrise?

Dawn

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs laying in the bushes?

Fern


Okay, enough for now

Colin
What do you call a Mexican woman with no arms or legs?,,,,,,!,,Consuello.
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If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
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  #232  
Old 02-17-2018, 10:10 PM
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A man died and went to heaven. St. Peter told him he had no room for such a soul, to please take the ladder down to hell. The man went down the ladder and at the bottom a man with a black robe and hood came to greet him.

The gloomy figure said, in a soft gentle voice," Hello, You must be Johnny. I'm Lucifer. I heard you were coming. Come on and I will show you around."

As they walked they came to a beautiful meadow with warm sunshine and birds singing. There were lushious fruit trees and a crystal clear stream with fish, and animals roaming everwhere. Everywhere they went it was beautiful. A place full of blissful things.

Then they came to a deep chasm that had fire leaping out of it. They could hear wailing and moaning and crying coming from the deep fiery crack in the earth.

Johnny asked Lucifer."What is this fiery place?"

Lucifer replied,"Oh, this....this is for the christians. It's the only way they would have it."
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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  #233  
Old 02-17-2018, 10:19 PM
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An 18th-century Austrian composer has been arrested. He says he has done no wrong, but police believe he's Haydn something.
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"This Brittany is my most cherished possession — the darndest bird-finder I have ever seen, a tough and wiry little dog with a choke-bored nose and the ability to read birds’ minds." -Jack O'Connor
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  #234  
Old 02-18-2018, 10:36 AM
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Thanks again guys for all the great jokes.
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If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
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  #235  
Old 02-18-2018, 10:51 AM
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The city of Edmonton was wanting to get the River Queen river boat running earlier in the season on the north saskatchewan river so they put in a request for assistance to Trudeau's office. Trudeau was quick to respond and sent a norwegian icebreaker to Edmonton.
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File Type: jpg norwegian icebreaker.jpg (52.9 KB, 83 views)
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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  #236  
Old 02-18-2018, 11:36 AM
superuke superuke is offline
 
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Wife's 40th birthday coming up shortly, Told her I will trade her off for two twenties.
She say's you can't because you are not wired for 220.
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  #237  
Old 02-18-2018, 11:48 AM
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This is one of my ALL TIME favorites!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brNX4xqlXJE
Cat
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  #238  
Old 02-18-2018, 12:48 PM
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I have to tell you guys a one liner joke............. TRUDEAU
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  #239  
Old 02-18-2018, 12:53 PM
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Quote:
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I have to tell you guys a one liner joke............. TRUDEAU
That's s pretty lousy joke there ,Pal - it's more like an insult to the average Canadian's intelligence - Bada dadump - schssssh!
Cat
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  #240  
Old 02-18-2018, 03:43 PM
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Little red riding hood Little red riding hood is offline
 
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Lena is driving her car down the highway when she gets a flat tire, so she pulls to the side of the road and pops open the trunk, out jumps Lars and sven, wearing nothing but trench coats and take up a position at the rear of the car on each side, they then begin to open and close their trench coats, exposing themselves to passing cars! Well this causes no small stir with passing motorists, until someone calls the cops, the cop arrives on the scene, and approaches Lena who is sitting in the car, and he demands to know what is going on! What are these 2 perverts doing? Lena replies, well officer, these are my emergency flashers!
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