Joke time

[Gerry]

The Little Angel on the Top of the Christmas Tree!

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit; this stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out at heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffeepot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made of. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?

and so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the tree.

[RandyBoBandy]

Two engineering students were biking across campus.
One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

[RandyBoBandy]

A Woman goes to her local church to talk to the Priest.

The Priest asks her, "What troubles you, my child?" The woman replies,"Father, I have two female parrots at home. They only say " Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and " You can do whatever you want to me ", and nothing else. This has ruined more than one dinner party. I don't know what to do!"

"Worry not, my child" the Priest says. "I have two male parrots at the abbey that only pray and read scriptures. Perhaps your parrots should spend some time with them and they might pick up better language."

The woman thanks the priest and brings her parrots the next day. On entering the birdcage, the two female parrots immediately go," Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and" you can do whatever you want to me. "

One male parrot says to the other," Look Frank! Our prayers have been answered! "

[RandyBoBandy]

2 ducks are on their honeymoon in a posh hotel. Just as they are about to consummate the marriage, the male says “Oh no, I don't have any condoms!” and promptly calls room service. “Do you have any condoms?” he asks “Yes sir” comes the reply” “Good” says the duck “Can you send some to our room?” “Certainly sir” replies the clerk “Would you like me to put them on your bill?” “Don't be silly!” yells the duck “I’ll suffocate!!”

[RandyBoBandy]

Old joke edited to be "politically correct"

A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2018 Mercedes-Benz GT, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-****tin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well . You started it . “

[tool]

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?













.................................................. ..................


You follow the "Fresh Prints"...

[bat119]

[RandyBoBandy]

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .
In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give 50,000 pounds to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 pounds to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files. But still the fire fighters could not get through.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 pounds and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Well," said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we're gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck."

[bat119]

Justin Trudeau walks into a Bank to cash a cheque in front of me one day: As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me?”
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure to do that sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Trudeau: "Truthfully, I didn't bring any "ID" with me as I didn't think there would be any reason, he says, I'm the leader of the Liberal Party, "I am the Prime minister of Canada....
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks today because of all the impostors and forgers and requirements of the CIDC legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing your ID."
Trudeau: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Trudeau, but these are the rules and I must follow them."
Trudeau: I am urging you, please, cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look Mr. Trudeau , here is an example of what we can do. One day, Mike Weir came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Mike Weir he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Mike weir and cashed his cheque for him.
Another time, Wayne Gretzky came in without ID. He pulled out his hockey stick and made a fabulous shot with a hockey puck it landed in an over turned trash can at the other end of the bank. With that shot we cashed his cheque.
So, Mr. Trudeau, what can you do to prove that it is really you, and only you?"
Trudeau stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, ummmm "Honestly, my mind is totally blank, I have absolutely no idea what to do, I don't have a clue." I really don't have a clue.
Cashier: Says, Ok thanks Will that be large or small bills, Mr Trudeau?"

[fsa313]

Here is a link to a bunch of fishing cartoons.
https://1drv.ms/u/s!Alcg7H2cC-IGlRAy...rap-q?e=rGEe46

[tri777]

Back in the early 80's high school, when most trucks were just standard cabs & 3 buddies in the front seat.
While sitting by the passenger door, I would duck down, out of sight, then reach over and hit the horn,
of course everybody in the area looked and all they would see is two dudes looking like they were sitting
close enough together to be on a date.

[tri777]

Dr.Fauci pitching some more of his ideas...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYVB9IbSmxY

[ghostguy6]

A farmer is overseeing his herd when suddenly a brand-new car appears out of a cloud of dust and starts advancing towards him.

The driver, a young man in a suit, leans out the window and asks the farmer: If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?

The farmer looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers Sure, why not?

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his computer, connects it to his mobile phone, gets on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo on his computer and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a database through an Excel spreadsheet with email on his phone and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer. He turns to the farmer and says: You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.

That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the he stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?

The young man thinks about it for a second and says Okay, why not?

You’re a politician says the farmer.

Wow! That’s correct. But how did you guess that?

No guessing required. You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.

[Hunt4Ever]

[Who Da Fisherman]

WARNING ...RANT!
For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?
Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

WDF

[KGB]

Originally Posted by Who Da Fisherman

WARNING ...RANT!
For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?
Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

WDF

That’s awesome, I’m totally stealing it!

[Zip-in-Z]

Wow... Only in Sylvan…

You will not believe what just happened... I walked into the GTI gas station to get minnows ... When I walked up I noticed these 2 ByLaw officers watching some dude who was smoking while pumping gas.

I saw him & thought, ‘This guy didn't have any common sense & was he stupid?!! With the Bylaw right there too?!’

But anyway, I went in and got my minnows. As I was checking out, I heard someone screaming. When I looked outside, the dude's arm was on fire!!! He was swinging his arm, running around, going crazy! I ran outside and the cops had put him on the ground and were putting the fire out with their coffees!! YES, THEIR COFFEES!

Then they put handcuffs on him and threw him in the car… I was thinking ‘He shouldn't have been smoking near the pump while getting gas!’ But being the nosy person that I am, I asked them what they were arresting him for..

They looked me dead in my eyes and said ... "WAVING A FIREARM!" 😂😂😂
🤣🤣🤣🤣

cheers

D.

[RandyBoBandy]

The painting Nuns
Two nuns are tasked with painting a bedroom.

They are concerned about getting paint all over their outfits, so they lock themselves inside and strip out of them and begin painting in their underwear.

All is going well until there is a knock at the door. “Who is it?” They ask. “Blind man,” is the reply.

The nuns shrug and decide there is no harm in opening the door for him. They unlock the door and open it.

The man says “Nice boobs! Anyways, where do you want the blinds installed?”

[RandyBoBandy]

Problem Parrots
A Woman with a problem with her two pet Parrots seeks advice from her Church Priest.

The Priest asks her, "What troubles you, my child?" The woman replies,"Father, I have two female parrots at home. They only say " Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and " You can do whatever you want to me ", and nothing else. This has ruined more than one dinner party. I don't know what to do!"

"Worry not, my child" the Priest says. "I have two male parrots at the abbey that only pray and read scriptures. Perhaps your parrots should spend some time with them and they might pick up better language."

The woman thanks the priest and brings her parrots the next day. On entering the birdcage, the two female parrots immediately go," Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and" you can do whatever you want to me. "

One male parrot says to the other," Look Frank! Our prayers have been answered! "
__________________

[stuckincity]

A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer, take out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife.

He did this several times, finally, the bartender asked, "Why, after you finish a beer, you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife?"
The guy said, "As soon as she starts looking better to me, I know I've had enough and quit drinking."

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My wife and I divorced over religious differences.
She thought she was a goddess, and I didn’t.