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03-06-2019, 12:56 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Calgary
Posts: 1,815
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Why are MJs pants so short?
They're not his!
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03-06-2019, 01:20 PM
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,772
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It is so bad.... blondes are telling trudeau jokes
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03-06-2019, 01:23 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Calgary
Posts: 2,317
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It was a real bad week for me............
First, my ex-wife got run over by a bus.
Then I lost my job, and now I'm unemployed. The Bus Company fired me.
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03-06-2019, 02:26 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Camrose
Posts: 45,099
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__________________
Only accurate guns are interesting.
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03-06-2019, 04:08 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Black Dually
Posts: 259
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Hahahah dang elkhunter11 that's funny!!
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03-06-2019, 06:13 PM
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: wainwright AB
Posts: 63
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elkhunter11
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Awesome,
Lucky me though,
I only saw one set of people tracks that wasnt mine in the wainwright community pasture this past deer season, lotta trucks on the roads though!
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03-06-2019, 07:43 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Vulcan Ab
Posts: 3,871
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elkhunter11
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What did those cost YOU to get custom made???   
__________________
"It's like bragging that it's 10 CENTIMETERS LONG! (when really, it's 4" dude, settle down)"
Huntinstuff
"Me neither but it's all in the eye of the beer holder"
norwestalta
.....out of bounds.....but funny none the less!
LC
"Funny how when a bear eats another bear, no one bats an eye, but......
when a human eats another human, people act like it's the end if the friggin world. News coverage, tweets, blogs, outrage, Piers Morgan etcetc.
Go figure." -Huntinstuff
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03-08-2019, 07:10 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Calgary, AB
Posts: 2,138
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A SON ASKS HIS FATHER FOR A MOTORBIKE
S. Dad can I have a motorbike
F. No, I'm buying you a Violin.
S. But I want a motorbike.
F. No you are getting a Violin and that's the end of that.
After a few month of Violin lessons the father says to the son can you play me something on the Violin? He says sure...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKVplvWqXWI
__________________
Life is like baseball; it is the number of times you reach home safely, that counts.
We have two lives: The life we learn with and the life we live with after that.
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03-08-2019, 07:29 AM
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 293
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If your nose starts bleeding for no reason, better trim your finger-nails......
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03-08-2019, 08:15 AM
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Vulcan Ab
Posts: 3,871
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Doing crunches twice a day now....
Captain in the morning, Nestle in the afternoon
__________________
"It's like bragging that it's 10 CENTIMETERS LONG! (when really, it's 4" dude, settle down)"
Huntinstuff
"Me neither but it's all in the eye of the beer holder"
norwestalta
.....out of bounds.....but funny none the less!
LC
"Funny how when a bear eats another bear, no one bats an eye, but......
when a human eats another human, people act like it's the end if the friggin world. News coverage, tweets, blogs, outrage, Piers Morgan etcetc.
Go figure." -Huntinstuff
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03-08-2019, 06:38 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Camrose county
Posts: 3,491
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A farmer and his work hand were driving down the road and came upon a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence,the farmer jumped out and started having sex with the sheep,after finishing he calls to the workhand your turn now,so he gets out and sticks his head in the fence.
__________________
If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
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03-09-2019, 09:01 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 3,411
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meanwhile, back at the swamp
Slaying dragons 
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“One of the sad signs of our times is that we have demonized those who produce, subsidized those who refuse to produce, and canonized those who complain.” - Thomas Sowell
“We seem to be getting closer and closer to a situation where nobody is responsible for what they did but we are all responsible for what somebody else did.”- Thomas Sowell
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04-01-2019, 03:13 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Calgary
Posts: 2,317
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Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour until his demands were met.
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04-02-2019, 12:09 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Onoway, Alberta Beach
Posts: 604
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A human being was successfully cloned in Holland.
It was perfect in every way, except no matter what they tried they couldn't get the clone to stop using foul gestures and language.
Finally, the enraged scientist in charge of the project pushed him out of a window, and the clone fell to his death.
Since he wasn't an actual human, the legal system couldn't figure out how the scientist should be charged. They finally charged him with making an obscene clone fall.
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04-02-2019, 09:42 PM
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,006
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What do you get when you cross human DNA with Bovine DNA?
Kicked off the farm
__________________
The problem with following the masses is that the M is silent...
In order to be a smart azz, you have to be smart otherwise you are just an azz.
You're offended.... I think it is funny and that is why I am happier than you.
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04-03-2019, 11:53 AM
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Onoway, Alberta Beach
Posts: 604
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A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion. "
The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate... but... "
The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice. "
The two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while.
Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?!"
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04-03-2019, 12:19 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Onoway, Alberta Beach
Posts: 604
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Most people nowadays don't know what Good Clean Fun is ...
Frankly, I don't know what GOOD it is either!
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04-03-2019, 12:20 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Onoway, Alberta Beach
Posts: 604
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Bought my girlfriend a mood ring the other day.
When she's in a good mood it turns green.
When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead.
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04-03-2019, 12:31 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Onoway, Alberta Beach
Posts: 604
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A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on first hole when a second fellow
approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays
alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the
first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched,
how about we play for a $5 a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet
but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and
as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole and while counting his $80.00,
he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on
suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local
Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic
and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You
won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your
winnings."
The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll
marry them for you."
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04-05-2019, 07:32 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: central Alberta
Posts: 12,628
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.
__________________
___________________________________________
This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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04-05-2019, 08:00 PM
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Banned
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: YEG
Posts: 9,981
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Red Bullets
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04-05-2019, 10:51 PM
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,006
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What has one hundred feet and two teeth?
Front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
__________________
The problem with following the masses is that the M is silent...
In order to be a smart azz, you have to be smart otherwise you are just an azz.
You're offended.... I think it is funny and that is why I am happier than you.
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04-06-2019, 07:46 AM
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Onoway, Alberta Beach
Posts: 604
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An elderly couple in a retirement community was surprised by a knock on
their door late one night. Jerry, the husband gets up to answer the door,
only to find a huge and intimidating man at the door.
"Oh, this is terrible, I'm going to be robbed and lose all my money!" the
old man screamed.
"I'm not a robber," said the man in disgust. "I am a rapist!"
"Oh, thank goodness!" said Jerry with much relief. Then he shouted to his
wife, "Elaine, it's for you!"
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04-06-2019, 07:55 AM
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Onoway, Alberta Beach
Posts: 604
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Dan goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in hospital.
"How are you Grandpa? he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?" wonders Dan.
"Terrific, wonderful menus," smiles Grandpa.
"And the nurses?" asks Dan.
"Just couldn't be better," nods Grandpa. "Those Sisters of Mercy really know
how to take care of you."
"What about sleeping?" questions Dan. "Are you still having trouble sleeping?"
"No problem at all," says Grandpa. "Nine hours solid, every night.
At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and
that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson, puzzled and quite alarmed by this, rushes off to question the
Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," Dan demands.
"My 85-year-old grandfather says that you're giving him Viagra on a daily
basis. Surely that can't be true!?"
"Oh, yes," admits the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of
chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well.
The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of
bed."
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04-06-2019, 09:21 PM
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Banned
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 3,666
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How do you stop a liberal prime minister from choking?
Take your foot off his neck.
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04-07-2019, 01:13 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: central Alberta
Posts: 12,628
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__________________
___________________________________________
This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
___________________________________________
It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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04-08-2019, 04:20 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Calgary
Posts: 2,317
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Sleeping with Fred.....
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
With age comes wisdom.
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The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told
her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all
night!"
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They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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04-09-2019, 10:22 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 8,493
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What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code.
__________________
You're only as good as your last haircut
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04-10-2019, 10:39 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: central Alberta
Posts: 12,628
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This animation is even funnier if you think of the green grass being Alberta and the shepherds as politicians in the provincial election. Or even more satirically it's sort of like the discussions about hunting rights on the AO forums and the shepherds are the moderators.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sY5M...1yw5IXj_RA7Xio
__________________
___________________________________________
This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
___________________________________________
It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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04-16-2019, 12:35 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 331
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Quote:
Originally Posted by graybeard
A SON ASKS HIS FATHER FOR A MOTORBIKE
S. Dad can I have a motorbike
F. No, I'm buying you a Violin.
S. But I want a motorbike.
F. No you are getting a Violin and that's the end of that.
After a few month of Violin lessons the father says to the son can you play me something on the Violin? He says sure...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKVplvWqXWI |
Now that is good
BJay
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