Newfie jokes....

[Bushmaster]

DISNEYLAND

Two Newfies were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON

Two Newfies were sitting on a bench talking, and one says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?”

The other replies, “Jeez bye that's easy. Can you see Florida?”


CAR TROUBLE

A Newfie pushes his BMW into a gas station. He tells the mechanic it died.
After the mechanic works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
The Newfie says, “What's the story?”
The mechanic replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.”
The Newfie asks, “How often do I have to do that?”


SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a Newfie for speeding and asks to see his license.

The Newfie replies in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you?”

THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A Newfie goes into the doctor's office and says that his body hurts wherever he touches it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The Newfie takes his finger, pushes on his left shoulder and screams. Then he pushes his elbow and screams even more. He pushes his knee and screams; then he pushes his ankle and screams. Everywhere he touches makes him scream.
The doctor says, “You're not from Ontario are you?”
No he said, “I'm actually from Newfoundland.”
“I thought so.” the doctor says: “Your finger is broken.”

IN A VACUUM

A newfie was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was his turn.
He rolled the dice and landed on Science & Nature.
His question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” He thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”

FINALLY,
THE NEWFIE JOKE TO END A LL NEWFIE JOKES!

A guy was visiting his Newfie friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked what their names were.
The Newfie replied that one was named Rolex and the other Timex.
His friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
“Dats easy” answered the Newfie: “They're watch dogs.”

I’d Like To Add Another Newfie Joke
A policeman in Ontario pulls over a Newfie for speeding. While he’s writing out the ticket a fly’s bothering the Cop. The Newfie says. “That’s a circle fly, sir.”
The policeman asks, “What’s a circle fly?”
The Newfie says, “Them are the flies you find in the barn around a horse’s ass.”
The policeman says, “Are you calling me a horse’s ass?”
“Oh no sir”, says the Newfie, “I would never say a thing like that: but you can't fool them flies, sir.”

[bb356]

[drhu22]

Why did the Newfie chicken cross the road?

[drhu22]

Originally Posted by drhu22

Why did the Newfie chicken cross the road?

Still havent thought of a good punchline.

[airbornedeerhunter]

LOBSTER FISHING

A new DFO officer, originally from Provost AB, was posted to Daniels Harbour NL. He observed a local walking up the landwash from the wharf with a bucket full of lobsters. Knowing that lobster season was long over and having an unwarranted air of superiority over Newfoundlanders, he decided to make an example of the man. Once confronted the man claimed they were not caught lobsters but rather his pet lobsters. He explained that he brings them down to the wharf each day to let them "stretch their legs" on the bottom of the bay for an hour and then whistles and they promptly walk up the landwash back into the bucket. The DFO officer from Provost exclaims "this I gotta see". They head back down to the wharf, the man dumps the lobsters in the water, an hours passes and the DFO officer from Provost asks "well, are you going to whistle for your lobsters or what?" The Newfoundlander replies with a devilish grin "what lobsters"?

[spoiledsaskhunter]

don't you realize this is a time of political correctness?

you CANNOT tell jokes about people because you will offend someone, even if they are not the brunt (sp?) of it.

smarten up!

the only thing I haven't figured out yet is how to tell a funny joke.......'cause doesn't it seem you'll offend someone?

[Big Lou]

Do you know how Newfoundland was created? By Nova Scotians throwing rocks into the ocean.

Do you know how Newfoundland was eventually populated? By those who weren't clever enough to let go of the rocks.

[Newview01]

Originally Posted by spoiledsaskhunter

don't you realize this is a time of political correctness?

you CANNOT tell jokes about people because you will offend someone, even if they are not the brunt (sp?) of it.

smarten up!

the only thing I haven't figured out yet is how to tell a funny joke.......'cause doesn't it seem you'll offend someone?

This thread is a pretty good example of how to take a joke. I don't hear any Newfies getting upset.

[BUSHRVN]

Originally Posted by Newview01

This thread is a pretty good example of how to take a joke. I don't hear any Newfies getting upset.

They're still trying to get the computer turned on

[spoiledsaskhunter]

Originally Posted by Newview01

This thread is a pretty good example of how to take a joke. I don't hear any Newfies getting upset.

I've got ukrainian friends that can tell ukrainian jokes 'till your belly hurts.....how do you spell ukrainian

[Redfrog]

So does it make a difference who tells the joke or are some folks just more thin skinned than others?

I love a good joke and have seen some dandies on AO. I never get offended by old white guy jokes or FN jokes, or French jokes, and yet all those things apply to my heritage.

[3blade]

Originally Posted by Big Lou

Do you know how Newfoundland was created? By Nova Scotians throwing rocks into the ocean.

Do you know how Newfoundland was eventually populated? By those who weren't clever enough to let go of the rocks.

In one training course we had a newfie, and ex-infantry grunt, and a girl from Ecuador. Sitting in class one day we were all cracking Newfie jokes (including the Newfie) and the rather confused girl finally asks why we always make fun of him. Grunt says "in your country, do you round up all the retarded people and put them on an island?" Rather shocked, she stutters "n-n-no! Of course not!"

"Well, we did, and we called it Newfoundland"

[walker1]

The war between Cape Breton and NFLD.
the Newfs sailed by all night throwing dynamite at the Capers.... The Capers lit the dynamite and threw it back!!!!

Me a Caper bye!!!!

[does it ALL outdoors]

Just spent a month there, know who knows how to party? Drunk newfies!

Got to see Blue Rodeo close down the George Street Festival, absolutely awesome

I put Newfies right up there with Filipino's for salt of the earth most friendly people

[Kodiak]

Two Newfies are chattin over a bottle of screech.
One says, " I think Christmas fall on a Friday this year".
The other replies " Geez Bye, I hope it not the 13th".

[glen moa]

Why do newfies want quebec to separate?

So they can be closer to Toronto.

[hunterfisher]

Some people just state jokes in an offensive way but mostly it's the replies to jokes that are most crude.

Why do Newfie scuba Divers fall backwards out of a boat? If they fell forward, they would still be in

[HighlandHeart]

Originally Posted by walker1

The war between Cape Breton and NFLD.
the Newfs sailed by all night throwing dynamite at the Capers.... The Capers lit the dynamite and threw it back!!!!

Me a Caper bye!!!!

You know the story of how Newfoundland was discovered by a Caper? Buddy was playing ice hockey on Sydney Harbour... got a break away.

[DisplacedCaper]

Fella was hitch hiking to St. John's one rainy miserable night. A car pulls over, so the Newfie jumps in and says "ah geez tanks b'y, it's spilling out dere". He then looks over and sees that no ones driving! Just then the car starts to drift out to the edge of the road and this hand appears out of nowhere and yanks the wheel straightening the car back out. Then the car starts to drift the other way and the hand appears again! Yanks the wheel and disappears! The Newfie says "Jeazus! I'm outta here b'y" And jumps out of the car and runs all the way to town, he goes straight into the first pub he sees. Soaking wet, out of breath, he burst through the door and yells for a drink and starts telling his story of the ghost car with NO DRIVER!
Just then the door burst open and two more guys soaking wet blow in, out of breath, exhausted, and everyone turned and gasped! Just then, one guy, hands on his knees says to the other..."Hey Percy, deres de arsehole who jumped in the car while we was pushin it!"

I'm pretty sure they tell the same jokes, just about Capers


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[TomE]

Originally Posted by Big Lou

Do you know how Newfoundland was created? By Nova Scotians throwing rocks into the ocean.

Do you know how Newfoundland was eventually populated? By those who weren't clever enough to let go of the rocks.

Nova Scotian's are just Newfy's who ran out of Money on the way to Toronto..

[TomE]

My Buddy,A Newf as well, came and sat down to Lunch one day and noticed me pouring a Coffee from my Thermos..He Asked, "What's dat"? I said "it's a Thermos, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"! "Wicked! I'm gonna get one of those"..Sure enuff the next day at lunch, Beaming Proudly as he sat down and takes out his new "Termos", I asked what he had in it and he replied, "A bowl of soup and a Popsickle"..

[gitrdun]

My best buddy calls me a "Belgian Midget". Works for me as that is what I am.

[stuckincity]

Originally Posted by Redfrog

So does it make a difference who tells the joke or are some folks just more thin skinned than others?

I never get offended by old white guy jokes......

Some of the funniest "white man jokes" I ever heard came out of the mouths of Indigenous guys that I associated with/worked with for the last 40 years or so!

There were times I laughed so hard I almost p*ked! And I'm surprised I never got apoplexy from laughing too hard!

And I'm a born-and-raised WASP!

[Grizzly Adams]

Originally Posted by spoiledsaskhunter

don't you realize this is a time of political correctness?

you CANNOT tell jokes about people because you will offend someone, even if they are not the brunt (sp?) of it.

smarten up!

the only thing I haven't figured out yet is how to tell a funny joke.......'cause doesn't it seem you'll offend someone?

At the YaHa the last couple of days. Offended some dude, when I referred to the "Jap" crossing.

Grizz

[catnthehat]

NOBODY can tell a Newfy joke like a Newfy, it simply isn't possible!
Cat

[bat119]

A fellow from the rock we worked with could tell jokes all night his last line was

What's black and blue and red all over?

Anybody else that tells a Newfy joke tonight!

He kept us laughing all night

[Red Bullets]

Sent on a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a petrol station in a remote part of the countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundlander manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose?" Asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the attendant.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Lardthunderin!", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford tinks of everyting!"

[bb356]

[Jack Hardin]

As I mentioned either on this forum or another one, that Newfoundland makes money selling Newfie Joke Books and and other stuff making fun of themselves.

I remember a Newfie telling me that 1949 was the year that Newfoundland took over the rest of Canada without firing a shot. For those too young, 1949 was the year Newfoundland joined Confederation.

[partsman]

So what do you tell a Frenchman with two black eyes, nothing.

He's already been told twice