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  #31  
Old 10-03-2018, 09:19 PM
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Ok, my odd contribution....

I was an usher at a friend's relatively informal wedding. Some friends, family there. Some guy with his son sat next to me, was a strange twitchy guy but I didn't know him. So in the middle of Preacher Man's sermon about the sanctity of marriage and blah blah....buddy next to me stands up, and starts 'prophesying' and saying he is Jesus...my friend (the groom) has this horrified deer in headlights look, Preacher Man looks stunned, eventually ' Jesus' man winds down, nobody had a clue who he was or what he said. I'm looking for the *sign* to take him for a coffee...dead silence. Then Preacher Man sort of composes himself, looks at his notes, and tries to start again. 'Jesus' son at this point has started to crawl through the feet of the wedding party....Preacher Man tries to compose himself and starts again in mid sanctify, and 'Jesus' leaps up again with an expostulation about some spiritual travesty. At this point I made an executive decision and decided to help him with the cramp he may have had in his neck, bent him a bit, wrist lock and chicken wing, and started walking him to the door...he starts leaning into me hard, shouting for his son 'Zion' (I kid you not)...so I really applied some pressure on that wrist and his neck, opened the door with his head, and helped him out.

I came back in to dead silence, then heard a little child's voice...

'Mommy, did that bad man just throw Jesus out??'.....

Yep. I'm going to hell. I know a lot of people, but so far I'm the only one who can claim to have opened a door with 'Jesus' head while throwing him out of a wedding.
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Last edited by Twisted Canuck; 10-03-2018 at 09:30 PM.
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  #32  
Old 10-04-2018, 01:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Twisted Canuck View Post
Ok, my odd contribution....

I was an usher at a friend's relatively informal wedding. Some friends, family there. Some guy with his son sat next to me, was a strange twitchy guy but I didn't know him. So in the middle of Preacher Man's sermon about the sanctity of marriage and blah blah....buddy next to me stands up, and starts 'prophesying' and saying he is Jesus...my friend (the groom) has this horrified deer in headlights look, Preacher Man looks stunned, eventually ' Jesus' man winds down, nobody had a clue who he was or what he said. I'm looking for the *sign* to take him for a coffee...dead silence. Then Preacher Man sort of composes himself, looks at his notes, and tries to start again. 'Jesus' son at this point has started to crawl through the feet of the wedding party....Preacher Man tries to compose himself and starts again in mid sanctify, and 'Jesus' leaps up again with an expostulation about some spiritual travesty. At this point I made an executive decision and decided to help him with the cramp he may have had in his neck, bent him a bit, wrist lock and chicken wing, and started walking him to the door...he starts leaning into me hard, shouting for his son 'Zion' (I kid you not)...so I really applied some pressure on that wrist and his neck, opened the door with his head, and helped him out.

I came back in to dead silence, then heard a little child's voice...

'Mommy, did that bad man just throw Jesus out??'.....

Yep. I'm going to hell. I know a lot of people, but so far I'm the only one who can claim to have opened a door with 'Jesus' head while throwing him out of a wedding.
😂😂😂. THAT right there is my favourite story!!!!!
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  #33  
Old 10-04-2018, 02:10 PM
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😂😂😂. THAT right there is my favourite story!!!!!
I hadn't thought of it in years, but just typing it all out I found myself chuckling all over again, it was Uber weird, but how often does a guy get a chance to play the Heavy with 'Jesus'..??.

I can still hear that guy hollering 'my son! Come to me Zion!'...and then the *Erk* noise he made when I took in the last bit of slack in his neck and wrist...
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Last edited by Twisted Canuck; 10-04-2018 at 02:15 PM.
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  #34  
Old 10-05-2018, 12:41 PM
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My cousins had a summer cottage close to their grandparents farm in rural NB. The 2 girls always had ponies on the farm. The family eventually moved to Ont and the ponies didn't follow. After being in Ontario for quite a few years my uncle went back to NB to sell the cottage and tidy up some things as it didn't appear they were going to return to NB.
One of the things he tidied up was the sale of the ponies. So the purchasers show up to take the one pony home and have their little 6 or 8 yr old daughter with them all dressed up in her cowgirl regalia and of course she can't wait to ride her new pony, so they tack up the pony, but the little girl in the saddle, pull out the camera's and the pony falls over dead.
On reflection my uncle said that when he started doing the math after the tragedy he figured the pony was at least 20 years old and maybe more, and the thought that it might have a best before date never entered his mind..
The story has become a family heirloom sure to be told every time my Dad and my Uncle got together.
I don't know if the little girl ever got out of therapy.
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  #35  
Old 10-10-2018, 08:50 PM
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First camping trip of the season, 2016 at the lake, we rolled in late and stayed in a overflow stall the first night we arrived. The next morning I back into the permanent stall, roll out the awning, level the sucker out, start a fire hook up the power and water while Dad starts making breakfast. Freeeedommm!!!
About 3 bites into my omelette, I notice out the big window that the AC is really kicking out the frost and it’s dripping down from the roof. Then it starts to kind of pour a little more than I can understand so I start to investigate? What the hell, is my toilet valve partially stuck open and filling the tank to the top of the vent on the roof ? I’d better check !!! And that’s when I got a little education. I checked the valve in the toilet by opening the flush valve...and sure enough all the water/sewer that had filled the tank, aaaaand the vent was now gushing straight up into my face. Fuuuuuu$$$$@&&@ ! Dad freaking out because I’m freaking out, nice warm breakfast on the table and I’m ***** faced, literally!
I run out side, kill the water supply, start toweling up the GALLONS of water/sewage all over the bathroom floor and try to figure out what went sideways. Yeah, it was pretty embarrassing once I realized that I hooked the water hose to the tank flush connection instead of the city water connection. Why do they put them so close together and who’s got time to read labels?
Anyways finished my reheated omelette, and had to hook up the truck, pack everything up just to go and dump the full tank of sewage (not fully serviced) and return back to the same spot where my new neighbors were full of questions of why I parked next to them and set up twice in 2 hours? A great start to the season.
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  #36  
Old 10-11-2018, 09:13 AM
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Awkward eh. Wait until you hear this!
4 years ago my first son is born. My wife was a contractor with no mat leave. So after 2 months goes back to work because I’m off on parental leave. It was tough but had to do it and I took ALOT of pictures to help. Halloween comes, and I bought a little infant minion costume for my little buddy
So I get a shower Halloween morning, he’s in his bouncy chair in the bathroom, then I proceed to give him a little bath when I’m done. Take him in his room on his change table and dry him off and I had his costume there all ready to go. I was pretty excited for his first Halloween lol. Put it on him and he was as adorable as a 2 month old baby can be in a minion costume.
Grab my phone sitting on the end of the change table take a pic and send it to the group chat with my wife, my mother, and her mother. Put my phone down take him in my room and get my Gru costume ready.
I hear my phone ringing. So I run to grab it and I say what did you think? Isnt it awesome! And she’s roaring laughing, and asks did you look at it?
I said yeah he’s adorable, it fits great!
She seriously said...look again! I need to call my mom and tell her to delete the conversation. I hope she hasn’t opened it yet. She’s at work. And hung up.
So I look, and there in the bottom right corner, in a little space between the bottom of the pic and the edge of the change table...is my wedding tackle. Hanging there. Sent to my mother in law and mother! Uuuugh
Yup. Sent a d*%# pic to my mother in law.
Flew back east to her place for Xmas. Very very awkward.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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  #37  
Old 10-11-2018, 09:44 AM
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Talking

yep, I LOL'd
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Originally Posted by Twisted Canuck
I wasn't thinking far enough ahead for an outcome, I was ranting. By definition, a rant doesn't imply much forethought.....
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  #38  
Old 10-11-2018, 04:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Twisted Canuck View Post
Ok, my odd contribution....

I was an usher at a friend's relatively informal wedding. Some friends, family there. Some guy with his son sat next to me, was a strange twitchy guy but I didn't know him. So in the middle of Preacher Man's sermon about the sanctity of marriage and blah blah....buddy next to me stands up, and starts 'prophesying' and saying he is Jesus...my friend (the groom) has this horrified deer in headlights look, Preacher Man looks stunned, eventually ' Jesus' man winds down, nobody had a clue who he was or what he said. I'm looking for the *sign* to take him for a coffee...dead silence. Then Preacher Man sort of composes himself, looks at his notes, and tries to start again. 'Jesus' son at this point has started to crawl through the feet of the wedding party....Preacher Man tries to compose himself and starts again in mid sanctify, and 'Jesus' leaps up again with an expostulation about some spiritual travesty. At this point I made an executive decision and decided to help him with the cramp he may have had in his neck, bent him a bit, wrist lock and chicken wing, and started walking him to the door...he starts leaning into me hard, shouting for his son 'Zion' (I kid you not)...so I really applied some pressure on that wrist and his neck, opened the door with his head, and helped him out.I came back in to dead silence, then heard a little child's voice...'Mommy, did that bad man just throw Jesus out??'.....
Yep. I'm going to hell. I know a lot of people, but so far I'm the only one who can claim to have opened a door with 'Jesus' head while throwing him out of a wedding.
Youre so brave and strong!

Last edited by drhu22; 10-11-2018 at 05:04 PM.
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  #39  
Old 10-11-2018, 05:53 PM
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Years ago I was going to my cousins wedding and was to meet at another cousins house. I got to the house and no one was there. Went in sat down. Thought it was strange that no one was at the house. Bottle of whiskey on the cupboard so I poured myself a drink. Finished my drink and thought it was funny no one had shown up yet. I started looking at all the family photos on the wall and realized I didn’t know any of them. HOLY CRAP, I’M IN THE WRONG HOUSE. I’m glad I got out of there before someone came along.
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  #40  
Old 10-11-2018, 06:06 PM
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The wife and I were staying in an Edmonton hotel the front desk said there was complimentary food in the lounge. After we got settled we went the lounge and sure enough there was a large platter of wings, vegetables dips etc. sitting on the bar I grabbed a couple wings then there was a loud voice from the pool table;
HEY BUDDY THAT'S OUR FOOD THE FREE STUFF ISN'T OUT YET!

Now that was a little unsettling !
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  #41  
Old 10-11-2018, 06:08 PM
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Had a few... I'm a bit of a klutz, so I do have my share of incidents.
First time dumping our "new to us" 1980-something RV, wife is watching me hook up the sewer hose, get everything set...

Now, you know the kind of scenario: At these places, you usually have an audience - and audience of the kind that wants to watch you skillfully and swiftly complete your dirty task, and then get out of their way.

So, with all the confidence and aplomb I could muster, I pulled on the black water tank release valve, and the whole assembly pulled off the pipes.

I wasn't too pleased, me wearing sandals and all... IncrediGirl sure got a good chuckle out of it, though!
And...
Back in the day, in what seems like a lifetime ago, I was apprenticing as a piano tuner under the tutelage of an older gentleman with a vision impairment. As we approached the back door of one of our clients, I noticed that the door was open, allowing a view inside through the screen door. We rang the doorbell.

At that point, an elderly woman appeared at the door, totally naked. She looked at us briefly, then ran up the half-flight of stairs to the kitchen, calling out for her husband, yelling (in German) that there was someone at the door, and he should go get the door. He hollered back, "I DON'T HAVE PANTS ON!" To which she responded, "But I'm NAKED!"

The old tuner paused a moment, then asked quietly, "Was... she... naked?"

Was an awkward few hours we spent in that house, for sure...

Another one...
I worked in an office with a dwindling staff. At one point, it was just FatBuck and myself, working in the suite. As there were only two of us carrying the workload, we were quite active and I found that I would quickly get uncomfortably warm while running from the lab to my office and back again.

At one point, I sat down at my desk (which faced my office door) and whipped off my shirt in order to cool down a bit. Several minutes later, FatBuck came around the corner, and stopped in my office doorway, staring. Given the position that I was seated, all he saw of me was from my elbows, up. The rest of me was hidden from view by my desk.

I looked up at him and asked, "Yes?"

He paused for a bit, then slowly said, "Um, you're wearing pants, though, right?"
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  #42  
Old 10-11-2018, 06:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by drhu22 View Post
Youre so brave and strong!
Well, I suppose that's better than being a sarcastic ass.
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  #43  
Old 10-11-2018, 10:20 PM
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Here's one I don't tell many people.

When my second son was born my wife came across a stupid sort of backpack thing you put your baby in and carry him around. Since he was a new born you put it on front ways so the child is facing you.
I'm sitting on the couch watching a hockey game having a couple beer. Long story short, we had to go out to a department store for the first use and I was the lucky guy to try it out. After 20 minutes following wifey I had to return some beer. Son was sleeping so went into washroom and relieved myself. That's when he woke up. So I started to talk to him, "hey lil buddy, how you doin? You never been in here before".
Loudly from the next stall I hear "WHAT, YOU TALK TO IT?", I quietly zipped up and waited in the truck for my wife ( scared he would recognize my shoes).
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  #44  
Old 10-20-2018, 09:49 AM
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one of my friends kids is in an arts program in University. They were doing a series of scenes from history for a production they had. You know, like Galileo looking at the stars, Henry the 8th, etc etc.
They had one scene where Leonidas gives his speech before the Spartans take on the invading Persians from the movie 300.

Well, their Leonidas was sick. The daughter asked if I would do it. Im a character but not an actor but they were stuck. So I said yes. I had the goatee and chinstrap beard. Went to a non dress rehearsal and I got my part down pretty well. Actually got a few compliments

I arrive at the theater and immediately walk into a cluster of young people, girls changing costumes right in the area, hair and makeup people yelling, half my time was staring at the floor as actors seem to have little time to wrap a towel around their chest or ......well you get it

I get my costume on, spear, shield, etc. Makeup lady makes my beard darker etc, Im pretty much in a cloth and not much else

Our scene comes up and we nail it. Me and these fit young guys. Lightning flashing, my microphone is loud and it goes well

I get the makeup washed off and head home

A few days later, a bunch of us head out to a patio for appies and drinks. Only Steph was aware that I had done this theater thing and i had pretty much forgot about it

My friend Britt shows up and she has two friends ive never met before. Both were attractive 30 somethings Everyone is chatting and this theater production comes up. These two girls with Britt had been there. The one girl mentions that she would have loved to have met the leader of the Spartans for a rendezvous afterwards.


The only one who knew what I had done was Stephanie. She looks at me and says “SAY IT”!!!!

So, I look at this girl and say in my best Brit accent “THIS IS WHERE WE HOLD THEM...” and I stop.

Chick totally flushes red. I paid her bill.

I have a pic of me after makeup. Pretty funny

Last edited by huntinstuff; 10-20-2018 at 10:02 AM.
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  #45  
Old 10-20-2018, 03:58 PM
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Dude, when the book comes out, I want a signed hardcopy.

You really need to sit down and get writing.
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Originally Posted by Twisted Canuck
I wasn't thinking far enough ahead for an outcome, I was ranting. By definition, a rant doesn't imply much forethought.....
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  #46  
Old 10-20-2018, 04:04 PM
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It's just an anecdote without the picture Randy! C'mon, show us!
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  #47  
Old 10-20-2018, 06:22 PM
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Originally Posted by huntinstuff View Post
Christmas party for my partner 25 years ago

Im late. Shes already there. I see her talking to some guy at a table. She gets up and leaves the table before I can get there. So, I sit in her chair to await her return.

“Hey buddy, that seat is taken” says the guy at the table

I say “yeah I saw that”

He says “well i will be in that before the nights over”

I have an internal chuckle to myself. I never get mad at that crap. Ive always believed that no one “steals” your girlfriend or wife. Your girlfriend or wife leaves willingly. I digress.....

So my partner returns but goes to the bar first. Buddy boy gets up and follows her. I watch as he puts his arm on the small of her back. She gently removes his hand. Im still seated. She still doesnt know I’m there....

He does the hand thing again and she turns and I see her face. It’s that STOP IT look.

I get up. As he walks toward me I obtain his arm and the rest of his body follows me outside.

I gave him a short snowbath. I went back inside and he stayed outside for a bit

I walk to the table where my partner is sitting with this lady. We get introduced. She tells me she was late and had just arrived, and that her husband was supposed to meet her but she hadnt seen him yet

My partner says what does he look like ?

I ask the lady if she works with my partner. She says “oh im her supervisor “

Then this disheveled drowned rat lookin sob walks in.......tan colored suit btw.....

Its her husband. They left abruptly.

My partner says “did you just get here”?

Yup

Told her the whole story about 6 yrs ago
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  #48  
Old 10-20-2018, 06:55 PM
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Yep, it is a classic. With Huntinstuff's permission...looks like a sword swinging killer for sure!
Attached Images
File Type: jpg Sparta!.jpg (19.1 KB, 99 views)
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  #49  
Old 10-20-2018, 07:11 PM
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Unbelievable 😂😂😂
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  #50  
Old 10-20-2018, 07:35 PM
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With that look, I figure you'd poll higher than Andrew Scheer or Mad Max....I would vote for you. As long as you put me in charge of security and I can carry.....

Sparta!!
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  #51  
Old 11-29-2018, 02:09 AM
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This one just came to mind for some reason...

Several years ago, a bunch of us were assembled at the local pub shooting pool. Mostly friends and some casual acquaintances from the block.

After several rounds in for everyone, I made an off colour remark about pig farms.

Oops!

A lady with us who was a wee bit drunk absolutely lost her mind! Physically attacked me, which of course brought her husband into the fray along with Mrs Tree, then the whole gang.

Once the dust settled, I learned that her sister’s remains were discovered on Pickton’s property. I apologized profusely afterwards but....
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  #52  
Old 11-29-2018, 03:36 AM
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There’s some great stories in here, oh man I’m still laughing at some.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Dewey Cox View Post
You've got to be kitten me.
This right here had me laughing so hard I thought I was gonna wake up the house hold.
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  #53  
Old 11-29-2018, 02:49 PM
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Had dated this girl a couple times and we were headed for supper and drinks one evening

She asks if a co worker of hers at the hospital can come along. Apparently she had been engaged, it ended horribly, the guy was a total dink, and she needed a night out. I thought sure why not. Poor thing

We walk in and there she is......my ex-fiancé.
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  #54  
Old 11-29-2018, 03:34 PM
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Originally Posted by huntinstuff View Post
Had dated this girl a couple times and we were headed for supper and drinks one evening

She asks if a co worker of hers at the hospital can come along. Apparently she had been engaged, it ended horribly, the guy was a total dink, and she needed a night out. I thought sure why not. Poor thing

We walk in and there she is......my ex-fiancé.
Hahaha, always good when you get confirmed as a dink!

That reminds me of the card I gave to my daughter to give to her boyfriend...

On the cover, 'Hey, guess who just got dumped?'

Open it up and there is a little mirror inside.

She didn't think it was funny.
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  #55  
Old 11-29-2018, 04:10 PM
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Many years ago I was working airport security and had an interesting encounter. So an East Indian lady (50 something) and her son (about 16) are about to walk in through the metal detector. The lady walks through clean but the son sets it off. I'm thinking maybe he's wearing a necklace or Khara (religious steel bracelet), and hes also wearing a turban so sometimes the pins set it off. Anyway I take the metal detector wand and start inconveniencing him. I go over his head and wouldn't you know it *beep*. But it wasn't a pin *beep* it was a loud suspicious *beep*. So in my monotone bored out of my mind voice I ask "do you have anything in your turban?" He said no. I explain I need him to come with me a private location to remove his turban so I can know for sure. He has an "oh sh*t" look on his face but his mom says ya let's go. Hes under 18 and she has to come along. So we get to the room and he starts unwrapping his turban. A little packet immediately hits the ground, then another, then another, then several more. I pick it up to see what it is, and it turned out that this dude has an entire 12 pack of condoms individually wrapped in his turban. The aluminum foil on the inside set off the machine. I burst out laughing, his mom is behind me bitching at him and in total shock that her son has been having sex.

Poor kid lol.
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  #56  
Old 11-29-2018, 05:52 PM
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Just had one

At the gym 30 minutes ago . I wear a hoodie to warm up in. Then i take it off and hang it on a rail

Im doing laps and this chick is walking down the stairs

She’s wearing black spandex. I notice. I also notice she’s carrying a grey hoodie.

Im thinking that looks like my hoodie. I look over to the cable machine where i left it and its not there.

I go downstairs and thats where everyone comes out of the change rooms

Here she comes with my hoodie and workout gloves in the pockets !!

I take it off her arm and said if you asked for it, I would have given it to u

She looks at me and just walks away and out the doors


Its not even remotely her size.
Frickin bold eh???
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  #57  
Old 11-29-2018, 05:57 PM
sgill808 sgill808 is offline
 
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Originally Posted by huntinstuff View Post
Just had one

At the gym 30 minutes ago . I wear a hoodie to warm up in. Then i take it off and hang it on a rail

Im doing laps and this chick is walking down the stairs

She’s wearing black spandex. I notice. I also notice she’s carrying a grey hoodie.

Im thinking that looks like my hoodie. I look over to the cable machine where i left it and its not there.

I go downstairs and thats where everyone comes out of the change rooms

Here she comes with my hoodie and workout gloves in the pockets !!

I take it off her arm and said if you asked for it, I would have given it to u

She looks at me and just walks away and out the doors


Its not even remotely her size.
Frickin bold eh???
You should've told her to take her black spandex off right there and give it to you.
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  #58  
Old 11-29-2018, 06:20 PM
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huntinstuff huntinstuff is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sgill808 View Post
You should've told her to take her black spandex off right there and give it to you.
No kidding eh

I was just dumbfounded. Its was creepy awkward
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  #59  
Old 11-29-2018, 07:06 PM
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Robins36 Robins36 is offline
 
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Took my daughter shopping with me to a clothing store so I could try on a pair of jeans. At the time, my daughter was 4 years old. We go in to the change rooms to try some on and she is peeking out of the crack between the door and wall. So I ask what are you doing? She replies with I’m making sure no one can see your penis. Before I can say it’s ok, I’ve got my undies on... the whole place erupts in laughter. How the hell does one get from the changerooms to their vehicle without being seen???
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  #60  
Old 11-29-2018, 08:07 PM
RandyBoBandy RandyBoBandy is offline
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Great thread
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