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  #121  
Old 02-11-2018, 12:11 PM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
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The sky was blue;
The moon was high,
We were alone,
Just she and I.

Her hair was brown,
Her eyes were blue,
I knew just what,
She wanted to do

So with all my courage,
I did my best,
I placed my hand,
Upon her breast.

I trembled, I shook,
And felt her heart,
Slowly, she spread,
Her legs apart.

I knew she was ready,
But I didn’t know how,
This was my first experience,
Milking a cow...
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  #122  
Old 02-11-2018, 12:38 PM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
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On Being A Senior Citizen.....author unknown

I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get where I'm going.
I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without aspirin, beano, antacid...
I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you are saying.
I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.
I'm aware that other people's grandkids are not as bright as mine.
I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care...
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians, lawyers.
I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like......
I'm spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.
I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors....absolutely nothing!
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I'm in the initial state of my golden years: SS, CS's, IRA's, AARP...
I'm wondering...if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
I'm supporting all movements now...by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
I'm a walking storeroom of facts...I've just lost the storeroom.
I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life!.
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  #123  
Old 02-11-2018, 12:46 PM
Norwest Alta Norwest Alta is offline
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Hayseed went to the doctor last week because his penis was orange. The Dr examined him and asked what hayseed does during his free time?
Hayseed replied well doc I sit on the couch, watch porn and eat cherries.
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  #124  
Old 02-11-2018, 01:14 PM
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Fish along Fish along is offline
 
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Location: Camrose county
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerry View Post
The sky was blue;
The moon was high,
We were alone,
Just she and I.

Her hair was brown,
Her eyes were blue,
I knew just what,
She wanted to do

So with all my courage,
I did my best,
I placed my hand,
Upon her breast.

I trembled, I shook,
And felt her heart,
Slowly, she spread,
Her legs apart.

I knew she was ready,
But I didn’t know how,
This was my first experience,
Milking a cow...
This I excellent.
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If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
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  #125  
Old 02-11-2018, 01:16 PM
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Fish along Fish along is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerry View Post
On Being A Senior Citizen.....author unknown

I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get where I'm going.
I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without aspirin, beano, antacid...
I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you are saying.
I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.
I'm aware that other people's grandkids are not as bright as mine.
I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care...
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians, lawyers.
I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like......
I'm spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.
I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors....absolutely nothing!
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I'm in the initial state of my golden years: SS, CS's, IRA's, AARP...
I'm wondering...if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
I'm supporting all movements now...by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
I'm a walking storeroom of facts...I've just lost the storeroom.
I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life!.
We're trying to describe me lol.
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If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
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  #126  
Old 02-11-2018, 01:17 PM
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Fish along Fish along is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Norwest Alta View Post
Hayseed went to the doctor last week because his penis was orange. The Dr examined him and asked what hayseed does during his free time?
Hayseed replied well doc I sit on the couch, watch porn and eat cherries.
LOL
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If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
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  #127  
Old 02-11-2018, 02:29 PM
Norwest Alta Norwest Alta is offline
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[QUOTE=Norwest Alta;3729857]Hayseed went to the doctor last week because his penis was orange. The Dr examined him and asked what hayseed does during his free time?
Hayseed replied well doc I sit on the couch, watch porn and eat chezzies.[/Q3UOTE]

Sorry had to fix for myself.
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  #128  
Old 02-11-2018, 03:19 PM
elkhunter11 elkhunter11 is offline
 
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Only accurate guns are interesting.
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  #129  
Old 02-11-2018, 03:28 PM
Norwest Alta Norwest Alta is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elkhunter11 View Post
👍
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  #130  
Old 02-11-2018, 04:52 PM
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Dewey Cox Dewey Cox is offline
 
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Default Let's hear some jokes..cabin fever is setting in.

Just a though, take it or leave it...
This thread would be easier to read if every joke didn’t get quoted so someone can add
““Ha ha, that was a funny joke””
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  #131  
Old 02-11-2018, 07:00 PM
Soulcousin Soulcousin is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dewey Cox View Post
Just a though, take it or leave it...
This thread would be easier to read if every joke didn’t get quoted so someone can add
““Ha ha, that was a funny joke””
LOL!!!! Good one!!
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  #132  
Old 02-11-2018, 09:38 PM
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Fish along Fish along is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Soulcousin View Post
LOL!!!! Good one!!
Lol good one
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If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
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  #133  
Old 02-11-2018, 09:44 PM
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Fish along Fish along is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dewey Cox View Post
Just a though, take it or leave it...
This thread would be easier to read if every joke didn’t get quoted so someone can add
““Ha ha, that was a funny joke””
Lol end of joke please laugh on dotted line .......
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If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
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  #134  
Old 02-11-2018, 09:57 PM
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Big Sky Big Sky is offline
 
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How do you know that you're in a Scotsman's house?



There's a fork in the sugar bowl.



As an aside, I wish there was a function on this forum that would let you 'like' a post.
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  #135  
Old 02-12-2018, 09:10 AM
Diesel_wiesel Diesel_wiesel is offline
 
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a 6 year old Kid was looking at his moms ID card
SEX F
kid laughs
mom whats so funny??
kid,
I cant believe you are so bad at sex you failed
the Husband died lughing
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If you consider an unsuccessful hunt to be a waste of time,
then the true meaning of the chase Eludes you all together
you only get a second
shoot where their
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  #136  
Old 02-12-2018, 09:24 AM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
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There was a little boy sitting on the curb one day. The little tyke had a bottle half full of acid. It seems he was droppin' those big, black ants into it every time he caught one. It made a small puff of smoke shortly after hitting the acid.
An old priest came along and was watching the kid drop those ants into oblivion. Apparently he thought this would be a good time to teach the little squirt the value of life.
The priest said to the kid, "What do you have there son?"
"Oh, I got some magic water, Father, the boy innocently replied.
"See," and *poof* went another ant.
"In my church," says the priest, "we have some magic water too."
"Oh Yeah," says the kid, "can it turn ants into water, too?"
"No," says the priest, "but I rubbed it on a lady's stomach and she passed a baby."
"Big deal!" says the kid. "I squirted some of this under my cat's tail the other day, and he passed a motorcycle!"
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  #137  
Old 02-12-2018, 09:28 AM
Norwest Alta Norwest Alta is offline
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Gerry that funny. Lol
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  #138  
Old 02-12-2018, 09:36 AM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
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One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball laying beside
him.
"Goodness," says the golfer and proceeds to revive the little guy. Upon awakening the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun and I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game and a fantastic sex life."
Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
"It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."
"I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week? No better than that, is it?"
"Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish
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  #139  
Old 02-12-2018, 09:41 AM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
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Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward it. "Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil.
Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers, then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
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  #140  
Old 02-12-2018, 09:43 AM
Diesel_wiesel Diesel_wiesel is offline
 
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When someone asks you a dumb question wouldn't you like to respond like this?.....

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.

Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
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If you consider an unsuccessful hunt to be a waste of time,
then the true meaning of the chase Eludes you all together
you only get a second
shoot where their
going not where they been,
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  #141  
Old 02-12-2018, 09:50 AM
Diesel_wiesel Diesel_wiesel is offline
 
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one day at super store grocery line my wife and I had just unloaded our grocery cart at the check out , I placed the package of toilet paper last when the cashier grabbed it I asked her ( she had broken English and I could tell she was just new to Canada)
if she thought that was enough paper for all the food we had just purchased
I could see the weird look on her face as she mentally calculated it all, then all of a sudden she realised I was trying to make a joke
she looked at me so seriously and spouted off I was rude and not a nice man
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If you consider an unsuccessful hunt to be a waste of time,
then the true meaning of the chase Eludes you all together
you only get a second
shoot where their
going not where they been,
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  #142  
Old 02-12-2018, 09:54 AM
Gerry Gerry is offline
 
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Three friars were banished from their monastery for various rule violations, so they decided to start a business together. They traveled around until they found a town that they liked,
and opened up a plant shop. Their floral business was soon thriving.
One day, a woman was shopping at the friar's store, and while she was strolling down an aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached out, grabbed the child, and ate it. Needless to say, the women was quite upset at the loss of her child. However, the friars refused to believe that one of
their plants could have done such a thing. The woman told all of her friends about the incident, and soon everyone in the town was in an uproar. They decided to kick the friars out of town. Every person in the town, except for a man named Hugh, gathered outside of the friars shop, shouting, waving sticks, and demanding that they leave. But the friars said "No. We're not leaving". So the townspeople gave up and went home.
Well, a couple weeks later, another woman was walking through the friar's shop, looking at plants with her baby, when a plant grabbed her child and ate it. She ran through the streets screaming that a plant had swallowed her baby.
The townspeople were outraged, and again gathered outside the floral shop (except for Hugh), waving torches, and demanding that the friars leave town at once. But the friars said, "No way." and all the people gave up and went home.
A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into the floral shop. She held her infant tightly in her arms, but it was no use. A large fichus wrestled the child from her arms,
and ate it.
When the townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset. They again gathered outside the friar's store (except for Hugh), yelling and threatening bodily harm to the friars if they didn't leave town. But the friars said, "We're staying". So, the citizens gave up and began to go home. Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the friars, and said, "Get out of town, now!". The friars immediately packed up all their belongings and fled that very day, never to be heard from
again.
The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
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  #143  
Old 02-12-2018, 10:53 AM
10pt 10pt is offline
 
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Some great jokes in there guys, keep them common
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  #144  
Old 02-12-2018, 04:49 PM
stuckincity stuckincity is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pikergolf View Post
DRILL PRESS :
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL :
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, sh*t!"

SKILL SAW :
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS :
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER :
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW :
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS :
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH :
Used almost entirely for setting on fire, various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW :
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.


BAND SAW :
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your new shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

FLAT BLADED SCREWDRIVER :
A tool for opening paint cans. If the flat bladed screwdriver is owned by a hopeless "toolie" who prides himself on the cleanliness of his pristine tools, it may be used as a paint stirrer. Also sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws by butchering the slots.

PRY BAR :
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding of that clip or bracket you needed to remove, in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER :
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER :
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Also contains a special magic ingredient that enables it to twist at the last second and strike "the wrong nail" (but only when you up a ladder, and using your free hand to cling on).

STANLEY KNIFE :
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. Great at removing stubborn ends of fingers.

'F#@KING THING' TOOL :
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "F#@king thing" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. Yes, the dog/cat/person who just happened into the path of the missile will always duck in time (mostly).

Have you been spying on me?!!??
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  #145  
Old 02-12-2018, 08:23 PM
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Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
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A minister was completing a sermon on the evils of alcohol.
With great emphasis he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river!” With even greater emphasis he added, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river!” Caught up in the fervor of the moment, he shook his fist heavenward, and bellowed, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river!” His sermon completed, the minister sat down to catch his breath.

The cantor stood, and trying hard to keep a straight face, announced “For our closing hymn, let us sing #365, ‘Shall We Gather at the River.'
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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  #146  
Old 02-12-2018, 08:24 PM
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Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
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The number 1 scientist in the world had a meeting with God.

He told God,"We don't need you anymore. We now have the technology to create life."

God said to the scientist," If you can show me how you make life I will remove myself."

The scientist spoke... "We know that life comes from dust and returns to dust so I will pick up some of this dirt and..."

God piped up, " Whoa! Whoa there! Get your own dirt!"
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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  #147  
Old 02-12-2018, 08:26 PM
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Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
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A gynecologist was suffering from work burn out and decided to consider a new career. He thought of what he could do and enjoy. He thought that I really enjoyed automotive mechanics in high school so he enrolled in tech school. The year at school came and went as they do and he was faced with the final exam. He completed the exam and when he got his marks he was astounded.

He goes back to his instructor and says" I can see the 100% but I cannot understand the 150%." The instructor says "Well it is this way. 50% for taking the engine apart, 50% for putting the engine back together and running and 50% for doing it all through the tailpipe."
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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  #148  
Old 02-12-2018, 08:44 PM
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Fish along Fish along is offline
 
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Default Brazilian

A redhead tells her blonde sister ,I slept with a Brazilian,.........the blonde replies, oh my god ,you ****,how many is Brazilian.
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If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
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  #149  
Old 02-12-2018, 08:46 PM
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Default Taste

Two cannibals attack a clown and start eating him .One guy says to the other do you taste something funny.
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If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
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  #150  
Old 02-12-2018, 08:48 PM
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Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 Males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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