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  #271  
Old 02-20-2018, 07:56 PM
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Little red riding hood Little red riding hood is offline
 
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A blonde is driving down the highway one day and she runs over a bunny rabbit! So she stops her car and she's crying her eyes out, when a second blonde comes along and sees blonde #1 crying beside the road, she pulls over and ask what's the matter? The first blonde says through her sobs and tears, I ran over this poor little bunny and now he's dead and it's all my fault! The second blonde says oh! is that all? She gets out of her car and grabs a can from a bag in her back seat and sprays the contents onto the bunny, who promptly jumps up, waves at the ladies, hops a bit farther, turns around and waves again! And keeps hopping and turning around to wave, until he's out of sight. The first blonde asks blonde #2, what was in the can? Blonde #2 shows her the can. "Hair spray, revives dead hare, and creates a permanent wave!"
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  #272  
Old 02-20-2018, 08:37 PM
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A blond girl is taking Japanese language lessons after 4 weeks she hasn't picked up any phrases words or anything frustrated the teacher asked why do you want to learn Japanese? The blond replied my husband and I just adopted a Japanese baby when he starts to talk I want to be able to understand him.
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  #273  
Old 02-20-2018, 09:04 PM
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In a presentation for outdoor ed class, a student stated that "elk usually only have only one baby a year, but sometimes they get really lucky and have two." Cue snickers, and explanation that "they get really lucky" doesn't mean what you're thinking.
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"This Brittany is my most cherished possession — the darndest bird-finder I have ever seen, a tough and wiry little dog with a choke-bored nose and the ability to read birds’ minds." -Jack O'Connor
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  #274  
Old 02-21-2018, 11:31 AM
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Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, the guy tells Ford, 'Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention "the car" changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.'
So Henry Ford thinks about it and says: 'I want to hang out with Adam, the first man.' -- So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks 'Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?' Adam says: 'Yes.' 'Well,' says Ford, 'You have some major design flaws in your invention :
1) There is too much front end protrusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust. ''Hmmmmm..' says Adam, 'hold on'. So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford, 'It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours! "
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  #275  
Old 02-21-2018, 11:33 AM
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A man walks into a confessional and says, Forgive me Father, for I have sinned . . The priest replies, What is it that brings you here?
Well, Father, I used the F-word over the weekend.
Oh, is that all? Say five Hail Mary’s and may the Lord be with you. The man replies, But I really need to talk about it. Lets have it then the priest says as he leans back on the hard wooden bench.
You see Father, I was playing golf this weekend and on the first tee, I was lining up my drive and proceeded to hit a horrendous slice into the trees.
And that’s when you cursed aloud? the Father queried?
No, not yet. As luck would have it, I found my ball and had a clear shot to the green . . . when all of a sudden a squirrel scampered out of some bushes, picked up my ball by its teeth and darted up a tree.
That must have been when you cursed?
No, because just as the squirrel had climbed to the top of the tree, a bird swooped out of the skies and grabbed the squirrel with its talons. The bird flew out of the trees and back out over the green. Then the squirrel dropped my ball from its mouth, landing 5 inches from the cup
And that’s when you cursed aloud? the priest said assuredly.
No, no . . .
The Father interjected, Don’t tell me you missed the f*****g putt?
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  #276  
Old 02-21-2018, 11:35 AM
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Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.
Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.
"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something."
Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"
The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."
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  #277  
Old 02-21-2018, 11:37 AM
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A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run!
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard,
r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man!
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  #278  
Old 02-21-2018, 11:41 AM
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A young woman was soon to be married and stopped in unexpectedly at her fiancée’s apartment to ask him about plans for the upcoming wedding. The door was open, so she let herself in. Just as she walked through the door her fiancée stepped out of bathroom wearing nothing but a towel on his head. The young woman, having never before seen a naked man, was so embarrassed and
scared that she quickly turned and ran out of the apartment before her fiancée even noticed that she was there.
The next day, not knowing where else to turn, she went to visit her family doctor. She explained to her doctor that she was to be married in a couple of months and that she had some questions. Since he had been such a good friend of the family over the years maybe he could help to ease her mind about some things. She told her doctor what had happened at her fiancée’s apartment and added that she had never seen a naked man before in her life. The doctor then asked what kind of questions she had. "First of all," the young woman asked, "there was this tubelike thing hanging down between his legs. What is that?" "Well," the doctor replied, "that's his penis. The penis is the primary male reproductive organ."
"Oh, I see," she said. "But what was that purple knob on the end of the penis?" The doctor replied, "That is the head of the penis." "That makes sense," the woman reasoned. "One more question, doctor, there were these two round things about 14 inches behind the head of the penis.
What are those?" The doctor paused as if he were in deep thought and finally says, " I don't
know about your boyfriend, sweetheart, but on me it's the cheeks of my ass!
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  #279  
Old 02-21-2018, 11:44 AM
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So this lady is giving a party for her grand daughter, and has gone all out.....caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out
back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time, but the clown has not shown up. Finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.
She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
Other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
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  #280  
Old 02-21-2018, 07:28 PM
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Fish along Fish along is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerry View Post
A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run!
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard,
r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man!
Hilarious, thanks again for all the great jokes
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If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
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  #281  
Old 02-21-2018, 08:39 PM
RandyBoBandy RandyBoBandy is offline
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Good Grief guyz,,there's some funny c-h-i-t in this thread Thanks!!
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  #282  
Old 02-21-2018, 09:22 PM
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Default Last one for me! I'll give you guys a break!

A man goes to a bar, and sees his friend sitting on a stool and looking very glum. So he asks his buddy, what's the matter? His friend says; I don't know what I'm going to do, every time I stay out late, I'm as quiet as possible, I shut the car off and coast in the last 2 blocks, I take my boots off in the garage, I undress in the bathroom, and sneak into the bedroom, and as soon as I slide into bed she wakes up and yells at me for being late! Buddy says well, you're doing it all wrong! When I get in late, I screech into the driveway, kick my boots off against the wall, run to the bedroom, throw my clothes on the floor, rip the covers off slap her on the arse and says, are you as horny as I am??? And she always pretends to be asleep!
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  #283  
Old 02-22-2018, 09:29 AM
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An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedge row he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est
magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times.
Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell
Jean, the police chief.
He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Jean...Jean zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."
The police chief smiled and said; "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers?
Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."
"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor:
"Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex " To which Pierre replied,"Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze
flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural."
Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.
After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.
He got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead; she is from Alberta."
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  #284  
Old 02-22-2018, 09:32 AM
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A priest was walking down the street when he came across a ten year old sitting on the corner. The boy had a little bottle which he was shaking and holding up to the sunlight. The priest asked; Johnny what do you have in that bottle? Johnny shook the bottle and held it up to the sunlight and
said, Father this here is turpentine the most powerful liquid in all the world.
The priest looked at Johnny and said: Oh no Johnny the most powerful liquid in all the world is holy water. You can take a few drops of holy water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly and she will pass a baby boy.
Johnny thought for a moment and said: **** father that's nothing you can take a few drops of this here turpentine and rub it on a cats ass and he will pass a motorcycle!!
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  #285  
Old 02-22-2018, 09:33 AM
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A Pole, a Frenchman and an American went deer hunting. When the Frenchman came back to camp with a big buck, his companions asked how he'd managed it.
" I saw ze tracks. I followed ze tracks. Bang! I got ze deer," was his answer.
The next day it was the American who dragged a big buck back to camp. " I saw the tracks, I followed 'em and-bang- I got the deer," was the story he told.
The third evening the Pole dragged himself into camp, a bruised and
bloody mess. " What the hell happened to you?" asked the other hunters.
" I saw the tracks. I followed the tracks, and-- bang!" moaned the Pole,
" I got hit by a train."
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  #286  
Old 02-22-2018, 09:34 AM
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Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon".
The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon, he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played appropriate music.
Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.
After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
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  #287  
Old 02-22-2018, 09:36 AM
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This old couple sat through the porno movie two times. They didn't get up to leave until the theater was closing for the night.
"You folks must've enjoyed the show," says the usher.
"Disgusting," says the old lady.
"It was revolting," says her husband.
"Then why did you sit through it twice?" says the usher.
"We had to wait till you turned up the house lights. We couldn't find my panties, and his teeth were in them!"
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  #288  
Old 02-22-2018, 09:37 AM
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The parish priest calls the mother superior into his office.
This is how their conversation went:
He: "Sister, I want to show you something."
She: "What is it, Father?
He: "Come into my private room & close the blinds."
She: "WHAT?!"
He: "I said....."
She: "I heard what you said - I just can't believe you're saying it!"
He: "Well, I really need you to come in."
Curious, the nun does as she is told.
He: "Here, sit on the bed beside me."
She: "I have to get out of here."
He: "Aren't you the least bit curious?"
Well, the nun was so she sat down beside him.
He: "Get under the covers."
She: "WHAT?????!!!!!" The nun was really freaking out.
He: "It doesn't work otherwise!" says the priest.
After much coaxing, the nun does get under the covers with him.
He: "Come closer," whispers the priest.
Nervously, she does get closer.
He: "See," the priest whispers gleefully, "my new watch does glow in the dark!!!!"
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  #289  
Old 02-22-2018, 11:04 AM
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Santa had an opening on his sleigh so he hired Rudolph's brother Bernie... Bernie the Brown nosed Reindeer. He can fly as fast as the rest, he just can't stop that well.
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  #290  
Old 02-22-2018, 11:28 AM
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BloodHound70 BloodHound70 is offline
 
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What does Tofu and a vibrator have in common?
Both are used as a meat replacement..............

BH
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  #291  
Old 02-22-2018, 04:49 PM
stuckincity stuckincity is offline
 
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Newfies have the lowest stress rate. Maybe it’s because they don’t take medical terminology seriously.

Medical Term – Newfie Definition



Artery – The study of paintings
Bacteria – Back door to cafeteria
Barium – What doctors do when patients die
Benign – What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section – A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan – Searching for Kitty
Cauterize – Made eye contact with her
Coma – A punctuation mark
Dilate – To live long
Enema – Not a friend
Fester – Quicker than someone else
Fibula – A small lie
Impotent – Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain – Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff – A Doctor’s cane
Morbid – A higher offer
Nitrates – Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
normally more money than Days
Node – I knew it
Outpatient – A person who has fainted
Post Operative – A letter carrier
Recovery Room – Place to do upholstery
Rectum – Nearly killed him
Secretion – Hiding something
Seizure – Roman Emperor
Tablet – A small table
Terminal Illness – Getting sick at the airport
Urine – Opposite of "Yer out!"
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  #292  
Old 02-22-2018, 05:27 PM
stuckincity stuckincity is offline
 
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One Winter night, way up in Dawson City during the Yukon Gold Rush, a chechacko came into the saloon and started conversations with all the Sourdoughs.
After a while he finally asked them what it takes to become a certified, genuine Sourdough.
They told him that a genuine Sourdough is a man who can drink down a whole keg of whiskey, rape an Eskimo woman, and wrestle a polar bear to the ground - all in the same night.

The chechacko nodded in agreement, then grabbed a keg of whiskey and guzzled down the whole thing without pause. Then he staggered out into the night.

More than 3 hours later he still hadn't returned, and the men were getting worried. They were just talking about organizing a search party when the door burst open and the chechacko staggered in.

His clothes and most of his flesh were in tattered shreds, and he poured blood on the floor as he staggered to the bar.

He leaned back on the bar and shouted:
"OKAY! Where's the Eskimo woman I'm supposed to wrestle to the ground?"
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  #293  
Old 02-22-2018, 08:11 PM
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Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
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Science is real, right?

The dog would not listen to commands so it was given to a scientist to study.

The first day the scientist put the dog across the room and called him. The scientist wrote in his study: "When called the dog eagerly came when called."

The second day the scientist removed the dogs front legs and again put the dog across the room and called him. The dog pushed with his back legs and came. The scientist wrote in his report: "After removing the dog's front legs the dog willingly responded by coming when called."

The third day the scientist removed the dog's rear legs. He put the legless dog across the room and called the dog. The dog didn't come. He called the dog again and the dog did not come. The scientist wrote in his report: "After removing the dog's four legs the dog would not come when called therefore I must conclude the dog is deaf."
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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  #294  
Old 02-22-2018, 08:21 PM
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Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
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Modern day Tarzan commuted home from work in downtown Calgary.
As soon as he got home he said," Jane, get me a scotch on the rocks!"
Jane asked," Tarzan, what's wrong? Is everything ok? You don't drink."
Tarzan replied, "Jane... it's a jungle out there!"
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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  #295  
Old 02-23-2018, 09:53 AM
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Fish along Fish along is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stuckincity View Post
Newfies have the lowest stress rate. Maybe it’s because they don’t take medical terminology seriously.

Medical Term – Newfie Definition



Artery – The study of paintings
Bacteria – Back door to cafeteria
Barium – What doctors do when patients die
Benign – What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section – A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan – Searching for Kitty
Cauterize – Made eye contact with her
Coma – A punctuation mark
Dilate – To live long
Enema – Not a friend
Fester – Quicker than someone else
Fibula – A small lie
Impotent – Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain – Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff – A Doctor’s cane
Morbid – A higher offer
Nitrates – Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
normally more money than Days
Node – I knew it
Outpatient – A person who has fainted
Post Operative – A letter carrier
Recovery Room – Place to do upholstery
Rectum – Nearly killed him
Secretion – Hiding something
Seizure – Roman Emperor
Tablet – A small table
Terminal Illness – Getting sick at the airport
Urine – Opposite of "Yer out!"
This is totally hilarious, I showed it to my wife and she laughed and laughed,
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If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
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  #296  
Old 02-23-2018, 11:17 AM
Grizzel Grizzel is offline
 
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Talking

Little Johnny comes home from school and proceeds to tell his Dad what he had learned in class.
LJ:Hey Dad did you know the England is called a Kingdom because it was ruled by kings.
Dad:I did know that.
LJ: Is that why Canada is a country?
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  #297  
Old 02-25-2018, 07:49 PM
FXSB FXSB is offline
 
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Two men are drinking in a bar


They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.

The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"

So they swapped sandwiches.
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  #298  
Old 02-25-2018, 07:50 PM
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Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
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Some of us remember Prime minister Jean Chrétien.

On one international mission in France Chretien was at a question period.

One journalist stood up and asked... "Mr. Chretien, why do you wear a hat made out of fox fur in such a hot climate?"

Chretien revealed, "Well, I tell my mudder I'm going to France and she say 'Wear the fox hat?' "
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
___________________________________________
It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets

Last edited by Red Bullets; 02-25-2018 at 07:56 PM.
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  #299  
Old 02-25-2018, 09:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Red Bullets View Post
Some of us remember Prime minister Jean Chrétien.

On one international mission in France Chretien was at a question period.

One journalist stood up and asked... "Mr. Chretien, why do you wear a hat made out of fox fur in such a hot climate?"

Chretien revealed, "Well, I tell my mudder I'm going to France and she say 'Wear the fox hat?' "
Lol this is probably something that Chretien would say...furrance
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If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
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  #300  
Old 02-26-2018, 01:06 AM
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Fish along Fish along is offline
 
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Quote:
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Lol this is probably something that Chretien would say...furrance
Furrance? I don't know me?......definitely a funny play on words.
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If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
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