80 Year Old Mother's Bills - Sibling Participation

[RobertScorpio]

Hypothetical question for a buddy w*nk!:

If your mother were almost 80 now, and she is having more and more medical issues. Let's say she could not live by herself anymore or really cook / care for herself other than basic things. With only about 20% of her vision now. Walks only short distances, otherwise is pushed in a wheelchair.

And you as the youngest child, unmarried, no kids, and can work from anywhere, volunteered to come and help her out for a little while for a short period. And as her health and daily abilities declined it has turns into years. Let's say you make a modest $40K a year, in a good year. Just enough to cover 1 household. If you could afford 2 households, and a nurse, or care visitor, heck you would. And let's say putting her into an seniors community was not an option. And let's us assume she has lots of medical bills (US Healthcare). Maybe to the tune of $10K some years.

Now let's throw in that you have 3 older siblings. Sister making about $350,000 a year, brother making about $150,000 a year who both absolutely refuse to participate financially. Sister sends a few hundred bucks once in a while. And a third brother making over 1 million a year who only will pay 1/4 of his share, but also throws in an extra few gran once in awhile. All of them married, with kids, traveling, own their homes, driving Range Rovers, living life to it's fullest, as people should.

How would you feel?

[Bourbon Outdoorsman]

I'd take a sledge hammer to their knee's and remind who cared for them when they were young. And you better make sure your name is the only one on the will.

I hate ungrateful siblings

[CBintheNorth]

Originally Posted by RobertScorpio

Hypothetical question for a buddy w*nk!:

If your mother were almost 80 now, and she is having more and more medical issues. Let's say she could not live by herself anymore or really cook / care for herself other than basic things. With only about 20% of her vision now. Walks only short distances, otherwise is pushed in a wheelchair.

And you as the youngest child, unmarried, no kids, and can work from anywhere, volunteered to come and help her out for a little while for a short period. And as her health and daily abilities declined it has turns into years. Let's say you make a modest $40K a year, in a good year. Just enough to cover 1 household. If you could afford 2 households, and a nurse, or care visitor, heck you would. And let's say putting her into an seniors community was not an option. And let's us assume she has lots of medical bills (US Healthcare). Maybe to the tune of $10K some years.

Now let's throw in that you have 3 older siblings. Sister making about $350,000 a year, brother making about $150,000 a year who both absolutely refuse to participate financially. Sister sends a few hundred bucks once in a while. And a third brother making over 1 million a year who only will pay 1/4 of his share, but also throws in an extra few gran once in awhile. All of them married, with kids, traveling, living life to it's fullest, as people should.

How would you feel?

I would feel as though I should have tried harder to be like my siblings.
But that's just me, you carry on. Perhaps you could sell some of your research?

[Salavee]

I would feel about the same as you do. These situations are never easy and I think the best you can do is to go with your own conscience. That is all you have control of. Your lifestyle may change, but life in general will be simpler for you in the long run . Been there, done that.

[Dewey Cox]

Listing what all your siblings make, and whining that they're not sharing enough of it makes you sound like a loser.
I'M NOT SAYING YOU ARE, or that your concerns are unfounded.
That's just how it comes across, and I thought it might be good to know.
I do think that looking after your mother in her golden years is commendable.

[robson3954]

Sounds like you have a ****ty family lol. Regardless of who's to blame for their lack of help.
It wouldn't be a question as to what happens in my family.

[RobertScorpio]

Originally Posted by Dewey Cox

Listing what all your siblings make, and whining that they're not sharing enough of it makes you sound like a loser.
I'M NOT SAYING YOU ARE, or that your concerns are unfounded.
That's just how it comes across, and I thought it might be good to know.
I do think that looking after your mother in her golden years is commendable.

So me paying 3/4'th of all expenses and only one brother paying his 1/4 share, makes me a loser? Are the two oldest not keeping me where I am, so they can live their lives? Why should the sibling making the least amount of money be the one who is saddled with 3/4'th of the expenses? Is keeping one sibling who is doing everything, in poverty, and emotionally taxed due to taking care of an elderly person which required almost everything done for her, their plan? Better him, than us mentality? I'm not complaining because this is my mother. I'm not going to abandon her. We all have to take life as it comes and make the best of it. I'm just curious, how all you would feel if in my place. I give up my life so they can live theirs.

[sillyak]

Have you had a serious conversation with them. Income is irrelevant, ask everyone to pay their share. If one refuses to pay, we'll now the other three have a 1/3rd share.

You can't live as a slave. Ultimately you may have to tell one of the other siblings that it is now your turn, I'm moving away. They will figure something out. Maybe they don't pay because they think your a sucker, maybe you are proving them right.

[purgatory.sv]

Nothing is as it seems in life.

If the others do not want to participate nothing can be done unless they want to.

As long as the mother is aware and understands start looking for an extended care facility.

My sister and I have just started this journey, and it was mother who asked us.

Good luck, and remember to enjoy both the good and the challenges.

[ÜberFly]

Could you have a discussion with your siblings? Document all expenses, including billing them for your time. And tell them what they owe! If they don't want to pay financially, then they can pay in sweat equity.

If you don't feel comfortable, is there a well respected relative that can intervene on your behalf?

Otherwise, get power of attorney and get your mom to change her will to leave it all to you!!

Kidding (sort of)

[RobertScorpio]

Originally Posted by sillyak

Have you had a serious conversation with them. Income is irrelevant, ask everyone to pay their share. If one refuses to pay, we'll now the other three have a 1/3rd share.

You can't live as a slave. Ultimately you may have to tell one of the other siblings that it is now your turn, I'm moving away. They will figure something out. Maybe they don't pay because they think your a sucker, maybe you are proving them right.

I have communicated my thoughts dozens of dozens of times to my siblings. Nothing changes. It's just bizarre as thought the two oldest were raised with different standards than the me, and my next older brother.

Interesting. The brother who pays his 1/4'th said to me, "you know the others are taking advantage of you". I said, "what am I suppose to do". He said, "just leave". I said, "I can't abandon mom, she needs her insulin and heart pills every day, and food, etc".

Perhaps you are right.

What am i suppose to say to mom? Hi, mom, good luck, I'm outta here. I can't do that.

[RobertScorpio]

Originally Posted by ÜberFly

Could you have a discussion with your siblings? Document all expenses, including billing them for your time. And tell them what they owe! If they don't want to pay financially, then they can pay in sweat equity.

If you don't feel comfortable, is there a well respected relative that can intervene on your behalf?

Otherwise, get power of attorney and get your mom to change her will to leave it all to you!!

Kidding (sort of)

I made an Excel documenting all expenses and what each of us paid....they then started calling my mom everyday and telling her they will not look at it anymore and to make me stop sending it to them because it was harassment. It was so much stress on her, i stopped.

It's just a no win situation.

[bobalong]

Originally Posted by sillyak

Have you had a serious conversation with them. Income is irrelevant, ask everyone to pay their share. If one refuses to pay, we'll now the other three have a 1/3rd share.

You can't live as a slave. Ultimately you may have to tell one of the other siblings that it is now your turn, I'm moving away. They will figure something out. Maybe they don't pay because they think your a sucker, maybe you are proving them right.

A slave, A sucker???, although the ignorance and selfishness displayed on this site doesn't surprise me anymore, yours come pretty close

To the OP, what your are doing is commendable, it all comes to your character, some people are selfish and self centered, even when their parents are in need.

[CNP]

Your siblings are losers.

[omega50]

Start a Facebook Page highlighting the issue called "My siblings abandoned their responsibility to their ill aging Mother"

Let the world and all of your siblings friends know what kind of people they are and shame them into action/participation/sharing expenses etc

Ruffle some feathers without your Mothers knowledge and let the pressure of society judgement guide their next actions

And come back under a new user name

[sillyak]

Originally Posted by bobalong

A slave, A sucker???, although the ignorance and selfishness displayed on this site doesn't surprise me anymore, yours come pretty close

To the OP, what your are doing is commendable, it all comes to your character, some people are selfish and self centered, even when their parents are in need.

I did not say what he is doing is not commendable. In fact his situation poses a very serious moral dilemma.

What I said is correct, and perhaps your should re read my post. It is not his mother making him a slave or a sucker, it is his siblings. This shows the weak character of his siblings, not of the OP.

OP, you may need to take your brother's advice. It is doubtful your other siblings will let her go without proper care. They are merely not willing to give it now because they are getting it for free.

[sgill808]

Originally Posted by CNP

Your siblings are losers.

Straight up. What goes around, comes around.

[Little Valy]

When your mother is gone,you'll be able to look at your siblings in the eyes,will they be able to look at yours?
Good on you

[Duramaximos]

Originally Posted by omega50

Start a Facebook Page highlighting the issue called "My siblings abandoned their responsibility to their ill aging Mother"

Let the world and all of your siblings friends know what kind of people they are and shame them into action/participation/sharing expenses etc

Ruffle some feathers without your Mothers knowledge and let the pressure of society judgement guide their next actions

And come back under a new user name

x2!

[Springerman]

Originally Posted by Dewey Cox

Listing what all your siblings make, and whining that they're not sharing enough of it makes you sound like a loser.
I'M NOT SAYING YOU ARE, or that your concerns are unfounded.
That's just how it comes across, and I thought it might be good to know.
I do think that looking after your mother in her golden years is commendable.

Givebyour head a shake Dewey!!

[TomP]

My gran passed 2 years ago and my father fought with my brothers tooth and nail while she was sick o come and visit and help out and they ignored her. Wanted to stick her in a home and let her die so they could collect her money. My father no longer speaks with them and neither do I. When I am okd and sick I will want my children to look after me as I did for them. Keep up the good fight
Tom

[260 Rem]

You have committed to help someone you love and feel a responsibility for ... that decision has nothing to do with what anybody else does or doesn't do. Live with your decision.

[Flight01]

Public shaming I guess. Let your nieces and nephews in on the dirty. Tell them how crappy they are treating the grandma. I'd be ticked.
Post pics on Facebook or whatever junk your siblings are into. If they are rich and driving landrovers, they are likely soooo popular on Facebook. Befriend their friends and spill the beans.
I'd say out right bust some kneecaps but that lands you in jail. So shame them as much as possible without landing in jail. Get the point across. You are a good son. But you don't have to be a good brother

[2 Tollers]

My wife went through something similiar with her mother. Three kids all with in driving distance and all with good incomes. She ended up with 90% of the time and we handled much more than 1/3 of the expenses. Nothing she said made a difference but at the end when her Mom passed she (we) have no regrets. Funny thing is my wife can still talk to her family Me my memory is deeper when comes to people not pulling their fair share I am happy for my wife but have little to do with her sister & brother anymore

Kudo's to you for doing the right thing. Perhaps the open discussion with the brother that is contributing to ask him to speak up for you or may be he will come in with a little more

Good luck

[hisdisciple]

you will be rewarded with riches in heaven for your duty far beyond anything your siblings can get on earth. what more do you want?

[TBark]

A Sr's home should be ur next move.
Costs Split 4 ways, that will wake ur family up.
It may cost u more but you will have the workload lifted from you.
And visit her often, you will be glad you did.

TBark

[hilt134]

Well id have it out with them. Lay it on the table and tell them what they need to start doing and why you cant. if you are sitting in silence waiting for them to clue in that its to much for you. Well than your are a large part of the problem aswell. If you have spoken them depending on the age id tell their kids or heck tell the inlaws what they can expect. There a fine line between doing good and airing dirty laundry in public if tat matter to you is your choice.

[densa44]

Just great isn't it.

[elkhunter11]

Originally Posted by densa44

Just great isn't it.

It's only been Trumps America for two months, the present system has been in place for many years

[blacknorthernjk]

Is there a reason for their lack of involvement? Something missing while they were raised? Perhaps they didn't feel cared for by mom so feel no obligation to return a level of care or concern now? Is there a history of offering care previously turned down affecting their disposition now?