80 Year Old Mother's Bills - Sibling Participation

[couleefolk]

Same type of issues here. I have a brother that isn't worth my time, and the other has enough of his own problems to help out, and yet he still tries. Before my dad passed away, he told me that my brother was just to busy with his own life to have time for his parents. I think it had more to do with the fact that there was little money to be had if the parents departed, so why bother investing time with them? I understand the idea of not wanting to walk out and leave your parents high and dry if the others fail to take up the slack. The biggest part of the problem is that to many folks don't think they owe anybody anything, it is a self centered world out there. I for one am happy that I lived close to my dad and spent a lot of time with him throughout my life. We camped, fished, hunted, coached, swung wrenches and motorcycled together. I often put my own work aside if I knew my dad needed something done (he was to proud to ask for help with a lot things). To bad not everyone respects their parents, we wouldn't have so many abandoned elderly folks.

[RobertScorpio]

Originally Posted by couleefolk

Same type of issues here. I have a brother that isn't worth my time, and the other has enough of his own problems to help out, and yet he still tries. Before my dad passed away, he told me that my brother was just to busy with his own life to have time for his parents. I think it had more to do with the fact that there was little money to be had if the parents departed, so why bother investing time with them? I understand the idea of not wanting to walk out and leave your parents high and dry if the others fail to take up the slack. The biggest part of the problem is that to many folks don't think they owe anybody anything, it is a self centered world out there. I for one am happy that I lived close to my dad and spent a lot of time with him throughout my life. We camped, fished, hunted, coached, swung wrenches and motorcycled together. I often put my own work aside if I knew my dad needed something done (he was to proud to ask for help with a lot things). To bad not everyone respects their parents, we wouldn't have so many abandoned elderly folks.

x2

[colroggal]

You're taking the better path. As for your siblings: the devil's got a peck of pineapples waiting on low.

Colin

[DevilsAdvocate]

Take a knee and shake it off.

[sigma1]

My brother watches over my mom just as you do but ten years prior to where you are at. I told him to move out, he won't. Told mom to give him the house and never mind us other kids, she won't for thinks its not fair. Everybody makes their own decisions, nobodies right and nobodies wrong.

[Whipper Billy]

The Nov/Dec 2016 issue of Scientific American Mind had an article on "The Caregiver's Dilemma - How to tend to a loved one without losing yourself". It doesn't solve your problem but perhaps provides another approach to your siblings that if you are alone in your mother's care, you may become a casualty.

PM me if you need the article.

[bigskinner]

Originally Posted by hisdisciple

you will be rewarded with riches in heaven for your duty far beyond anything your siblings can get on earth. What more do you want?

com onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

[Little red riding hood]

Good on you man! I commend you for caring for your mother, my own mother went through a similar situation when I was a teenager, her mother had a stroke and spent the rest of her days in our home, my mother was a stay at home mom who ran a small self sufficient farm, so it wasn't like she was giving up her living by taking care of her mother, and grandad was still strong and healthy but grandma was a very large lady, so grandad was not physically able to care for her alone but he was there to help, I was a big teen and I helped out whenever it came time to do any heavy lifting that mom wasn't able to do, as I mentioned grandma was a very big lady and the stroke left her unable to help hefself, so being 16 and over 6 feet tall and almost 200 pounds, I was able to help mom care for her, and grandad never left her side. but most of the other aunts and uncles couldn't be bothered to stop in and say hi, and in fact more than a few of them were dead set against mom taking care of her, they did everything in their power to dump her in a nursing home, she was terrified of strangers taking care of her needs, and grandad was not welcome to stay with her in the nursing home, but mom finally gave in to the pressure from her siblings and sent her to the "home" she was there less than a week, my mom was a nervous wreck because her mother was calling every day and sobbing because she was afraid and unhappy in the nursing home, so less than a week later she was back in our house to the great consternation of some of the aunts and uncles. However, some of the aunts came out for a few days to help out after they saw how miserable their mother was in the care of strangers, some stopped pushing for her to be dumped off, some kept on pushing, I think they were afraid that since my mom was taking care of her that she would inherit the majority of the estate, it didn't seem to register that some people care for others because that is just the way they are, not everything is about remuneration for them, that is the way my mom is, she took care and raised 5 children, while the ones who pushed the hardest to dump grandma in a home couldn't be bothered to care for their own children, the little ones had to scavenge whatever they could find to eat, they seldom got a good meal, not because of poverty, but rather because their own mom (the one who pushed the hardest to dump grandma in a nursing home) couldn't be bothered to get off her couch and cook for them! it seems like the people who don't care for their own parents don't seem to care for anyone other than themselves... this world is over full of selfish people, so I want to say thank you for not being one of them.

[Badgerbadger]

It's like a divorce.

You have to do what's right for your mom, regardless of what the other parties involved do.

The most I'd do is talk with a lawyer to see if there's any legal steps one could take, but apart from that, it's a tight spot and is revealing participants true character.

(I don't ever need to see my brother again, due to a kind of similar situation. I don't need people of his ilk in my life, even if we are blood.)

Do what's right for your mom.

[ETOWNCANUCK]

It's possible with their careers and families and their responsibilities
And you not having any of that
That they feel she is being looked after,
By the one sibling who is able to do so.

You let years go by without much help from them so they feel you have or had everything in control.

Had you not, then maybe something should have been said in the beginning, before all the time passed.

Perhaps they still see you as the one who is looking after her the best,

Not much you can do that won't cause any amount of stupid fighting, which you obviously don't need.

Whatever happens beyond this will result in alienation amongst the family members

Look after you and what you know is right and live your life as best as you can.

[Bushrat]

Ah the 'Golden Years' .........I call them the 'Urine Years'. The problems of dealing with caring for the aging, the family dynamics and drama that surround it are complex. Family relationships and ties or lack thereof, sense of duty, finances, entitlement, personalities, rivalries, there are tons of factors involved in the drama. There is no recipe for dealing with it. You have to cook from scratch with ingredients that in most cases don't mix well. We have this dream of getting old and how things will be, few folks realize until it happens to them that life on the downhill run for the vast majority is filled with incapacitation, loneliness. pain, heartbreak and bewilderment. The family makes excuses, lays blame and guilt on other family members, some simply could care less unless money or assets are involved, those who have no money to offer as a reward to family are far more likely to be ignored. For those who do have wealth the knowledge that the family is only there for that reason is equally hurtful and they know it. I can offer no advice, I have my own ageing parent to deal with.

From what I can see on average the extended years we are living because of medical advances in most cases are not improving old age just extending its misery. Go spend some time in an extended care wing of an old folks wharehouse. They may be alive but they aint having any fun.

For me I pray I can be one of the fortunate ones who die unexpectedly in their sleep or keel over while doing something I love instead of falling apart into the decay of advanced old age. I pray I don't wind up being looked after by the corporate industrial old folks housing industry, laying on a smelly bed with bedsores, dirty diapers, with the only thing to look forward to is the hired help who doesn't speak english bringing me the coveted plastic tray of microwaved minced fish sticks, tater tots and jello.

[CaberTosser]

Originally Posted by DevilsAdvocate

Take a knee and shake it off.

Leaning this way myself.

[couleefolk]

Originally Posted by Little red riding hood

Good on you man! I commend you for caring for your mother, my own mother went through a similar situation when I was a teenager, her mother had a stroke and spent the rest of her days in our home, my mother was a stay at home mom who ran a small self sufficient farm, so it wasn't like she was giving up her living by taking care of her mother, and grandad was still strong and healthy but grandma was a very large lady, so grandad was not physically able to care for her alone but he was there to help, I was a big teen and I helped out whenever it came time to do any heavy lifting that mom wasn't able to do, as I mentioned grandma was a very big lady and the stroke left her unable to help hefself, so being 16 and over 6 feet tall and almost 200 pounds, I was able to help mom care for her, and grandad never left her side. but most of the other aunts and uncles couldn't be bothered to stop in and say hi, and in fact more than a few of them were dead set against mom taking care of her, they did everything in their power to dump her in a nursing home, she was terrified of strangers taking care of her needs, and grandad was not welcome to stay with her in the nursing home, but mom finally gave in to the pressure from her siblings and sent her to the "home" she was there less than a week, my mom was a nervous wreck because her mother was calling every day and sobbing because she was afraid and unhappy in the nursing home, so less than a week later she was back in our house to the great consternation of some of the aunts and uncles. However, some of the aunts came out for a few days to help out after they saw how miserable their mother was in the care of strangers, some stopped pushing for her to be dumped off, some kept on pushing, I think they were afraid that since my mom was taking care of her that she would inherit the majority of the estate, it didn't seem to register that some people care for others because that is just the way they are, not everything is about remuneration for them, that is the way my mom is, she took care and raised 5 children, while the ones who pushed the hardest to dump grandma in a home couldn't be bothered to care for their own children, the little ones had to scavenge whatever they could find to eat, they seldom got a good meal, not because of poverty, but rather because their own mom (the one who pushed the hardest to dump grandma in a nursing home) couldn't be bothered to get off her couch and cook for them! it seems like the people who don't care for their own parents don't seem to care for anyone other than themselves... this world is over full of selfish people, so I want to say thank you for not being one of them.

Seen this happen also. My great grandmother moved in with my grandparents when great grandfather died. She had a room in the house that was hers. Living next door, I saw how often her other kids took her off my grandparents hands, not very often. But boy! when she passed away the other kids were into the house to see what might have been hers so they could grab something. The kicker is that my great grandmother had to be one of the nicest persons I have ever known. With how many of my ancestors were givers and not takers, you have to wonder where the genes went wrong.

[Silvercreek]

Originally Posted by hisdisciple

you will be rewarded with riches in heaven for your duty far beyond anything your siblings can get on earth. what more do you want?

Seriously?

[iliketrout]

A clean conscience is priceless. If I was in that situation I would want to be able to look myself in the mirror and know I did everything I could – which by the sounds of it, you will be able to.

My only other thought – can the brother who is paying ¼ of the bills talk to the other 2 on you and your mother’s behalf?

[Okotokian]

Get mom to sign over everything to you. To heck with the siblings.

[Twisted Canuck]

Originally Posted by hisdisciple

you will be rewarded with riches in heaven for your duty far beyond anything your siblings can get on earth. what more do you want?

Originally Posted by bigskinner

com onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Originally Posted by Silvercreek

Seriously?

Sorry, but I just had to laugh. For a first post to miss the target audience by that margin.......

[Mulehahn]

I felt the same way you did, in a similar situation. 2 years ago my dad had major heart surgery in June and following that the was in rehab everyday for 6 months. That October my mom was diagnosed with Cancer. The treatment was radiation everyday for 3 months and Chemo two weeks on, two weeks off etc til Christmas meaning she would have to go to the hospital twice a day or spend hours sitting around in between treatements 5 days a week. It was deemed I solely responsible for getting my parents to treatment. Sure, I guess I could of just put them in a cab or used transit (this was back in BC) but it just wasn't feasible. It was pretty clear that it was going to be my mom's last Christmas but my sisters didn't even come for dinner. My mom did a year ago.

I make a decent living (more or equal to my siblings) but I work a random schedule (4 moths straight/6days a week, etc). My sisters all have 5 day a weeks jobs and families, weren't/couldn't help (according to them). I chose to take a year off and am happy for it. I got to spend 6 months with my mom and my dad is doing fine. Money is one thing, I can earn more. But I can never get that time back!

[Red Bullets]

This scenario could possibly fall under the definition of elder abuse by neglect. Elder abuse can be challenged in a court of law. This may be the subject to bring up with siblings.

[Albertadiver]

Originally Posted by hisdisciple

you can laugh but i said the exact same thing that everyone else in this thread said other than maybe the cbinthenorth guy. just in different words.

buddhists say karma
christians say riches in heaven
muslims say beautiful virgins
and atheists in denial say clear conscience, or doing the right thing

so he's unhappy, so he's miserable, has no life of his own, saddled with a great burden by his own mother, while his siblings are out having the time of their lives - great karma, riches, virgins, and clear conscience for them. it takes a religious way of thinking to take on this burden and to be happy with it. it's hard to find happiness just in a clear conscience and this thread is shining evidence of that.

so i laugh right back at you.

Do you like Mojitos?

[ETOWNCANUCK]

Originally Posted by hisdisciple

you can laugh but i said the exact same thing that everyone else in this thread said other than maybe the cbinthenorth guy. just in different words.

buddhists say karma
christians say riches in heaven
muslims say beautiful virgins
and atheists in denial say clear conscience, or doing the right thing

so he's unhappy, so he's miserable, has no life of his own, saddled with a great burden by his own mother, while his siblings are out having the time of their lives - great karma, riches, virgins, and clear conscience for them. it takes a religious way of thinking to take on this burden and to be happy with it. it's hard to find happiness just in a clear conscience and this thread is shining evidence of that.

so i laugh right back at you.

[Groundhogger]

Tough position for you to be in, and commendable that you're taking care of your mom~full stop. Reading your comments though (and coming from a family with some strange dynamics like the rest of us! ) I'd be curious to know how your siblings might describe you? How do they interpret the value of what you're doing for your mom? Any chance they feel you owe this to your mom but they don't? Not doubting you in any way, but considering those angles might give you some insight into the lack of involvement~for better, or for worse.

For you~I've never been a "name and shame" type so I'm not sure about the whole FaceBook idea, but I think there is little doubt that your siblings are taking advantage of you because they feel they can. If everything you've said is true, your efforts should be applauded and your siblings are first-rate a-holes. Cold comfort, I know...but your mom is lucky to have you.

Sometimes when "you're in the trenches" of a bad situation, you can't clearly see when a situation has gone from manageable to unmanageable and sometimes when it has~a person can be ill-equipped to deal with it. You don't want to find yourself in that situation if you haven't already, so, you need to try and find a way to change things before it's too late. Old age homes (public/government assisted) often have waiting lists, so get her name ON at least the 3 most local ones. I trust she's getting any pension/old age benefit she's eligible for? In the meantime, find out if your mom can get home care/visiting nurses etc...anything that might give you even a small break. (ask her doctor if you can, your own if you can't) Sometimes church groups have volunteers that will come out and visit, have a cup of tea, that sort of thing. Small things make a big difference when you're the only caregiver, and a caregiver by default...not by choice when you're not qualified.

It ain't easy, but do the nursing home thing first..make sure that she's getting any/all money she's able to (you'd be surprised how often people fall through the cracks and don't know) and work...as much as time allows...on improving your situation by improving hers.

[sgill808]

Originally Posted by hisdisciple

you will be rewarded with riches in heaven for your duty far beyond anything your siblings can get on earth. what more do you want?

FYI... I don't like kool-aid.

[Twisted Canuck]

Originally Posted by Albertadiver

Do you like Mojitos?

This guy has potential, let's not scare him off too fast.....

[CBintheNorth]

Originally Posted by CaberTosser

Leaning this way myself.

See post #3

[CBintheNorth]

Originally Posted by J0HN_R1

If you were my brother, I'd punch your teeth down your f'n throat.

Pretentious ares hloe...

Wow. That couldn't have went any further over your head without hitting aircraft, but thanks for the gesture.

Your mother must be proud.......

And for the record, I assure you that you know nothing about me or where I stand on this issue. If you and the other 75% of the gang can't hear a troll when he's ringing your bell, you need to brush up your skills.

Teeth down my throat.....hilarious

[rugatika]

I'd feel great knowing I was helping my mom that basically gave me 17 years of her life raising and looking after me.

(and really the whole reason I exist to begin with)


Good on you for helping your mom. You have a lot to be proud of. Something your siblings will never know or understand. I'd feel sorry for them...not angry.

[Pixel Shooter]

Ummmm nooooooo

[HunterDave]

Is your Mother living in the US? My Mother is 88 years old and she's not ready to move into a retirement home however She gets a great deal of government benefits under the assisted living program. Caregivers frequently visit her to bathe her and ensure that her necessities are taken care of. I would look into the program if it's available so you would not be her primary caregiver 24/7. She also has a lifeline device that she wears around her neck all of the time with a button that She can press in the event of an emergency.....and it works!

As far as financial......your millionaire Brother sounds like he's making a point by only paying his fair share. The siblings that won't pay their fair share in support won't get why he's doing it anyway. I would suggest that you appeal to him to get by that and tell him that you need help in that area......write the other two off.

Talk with your Mother and convince her to sign power of attorney over her finances to you and use that money to ensure a good quality of life for her. Tell her straight up that you need help in that area. I would not discuss cutting anyone out of the will, I'm not sure that would go over well with her.

It sounds like a very tough situation to be in.