today's little dose of crappy humor

[amosfella]

What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I'm glad you asked...

12:05 pm: It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm PBR and you don't want to be a ***** in front of your older brother's friends.

It's suppose to be grape flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision.

12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you've been saving it for the apocalypse because let's face it...that time is here. It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life.

12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of impacted **** in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser.

Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.

12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1...

12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God...is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The ****/ water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down.

Is that blood?

False alarm.

That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...when you were 5. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your ******* to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid **** fart as it gurgled out of your ass.

1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything's a blur. You have **** out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your ******* now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it.

You're now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats.

You meet Jesus.

8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they've seen in the last 8 hours.

You're broken.

Your *******'s broken.

Your spirit's broken.

Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn't have a **** stain on it, and you're going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left...and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it.

-unknown

[corky51]

Hard act to follow but been there, done that, no teeshirt tho. Easier next time. Haha.

[Sundog57]

Thanks for that
I never thought that someone would bring me to tears over the pre-colonscopy procedure.
Been there, done that, got the stained underpants

[Bushrat]

Had colonoscopy scheduled, drank the solution as required. Get ready to head to hospital for 9:00am, phone rings, hospital cancelled appointment, we are bumping you to tomorrow afternoon. Oh great. Eat a couple sandwiches, a bowl of soup, off to the drug store to get a second gallon of gut flush and start the process all over again..... the pictures were clear as a bell.

[270person]

Love the description. Anyone who has experienced this can 100% relate. I wish they still prescribed the old citrus solution. The one time years ago that I had to take it was for some sort of radioactive trace procedure. It more than got the job done....NOW.

The colonoscopy a year ago prescribed some pineapple glycol slop. A gallon of it taken over the course of 12 hours. About half way through the third glass of it i was ready to projectile vomit and was contemplating how much worse dieing with a football sized polyp in my crap pipe could actually be. Not near as explosive an experience. More like mini bursts and not nearly as funny to talk about later.

I remember a workbud that had to take the citrus anus demolisher prior to some tests years ago. We were at a seminar with roughly 150 others. I was giggling like a schoolgirl as he drank it down at the allotted 12 hour prior mark, telling him I couldn't wait to watch what was about to go down. He shrugged it off with a "yeah right." He'd look at me every 5 minutes across our table, smile and fart. This went on for 45 mins. Smile and fart. Smile and fart. Around the 47 minute mark he looked over, leaned onto one cheek to let one rip, and his eyes crossed. Sat straight up, got a puzzled look on his face, and started fidgeting. I was busting a gut watching when all of a sudden he broke from the gate like Secretariat and headed for the door doing a sideways green apple two step.

Didn't see him for 2 hours. When he did come back he was wiping sweat from his forehead and sat down with a look of total shock and awe on his face. 15 seconds later he was doing another Mexican tapdance out the door again. Around the time the seminar wrapped and his prolapsed sphincter had ceased pulsating he made it back to the room, walked over to me, still sweating hard, and said...."good Gawd...I havent eaten carrots for 2 months." " What just happened."

You can't beat that light on your feet feeling once the prison riot in your mid section subsides though. There's something about losing 25 pounds in a few hours that makes a man feel special. Not as good as the fentanyl cocktail they give you for the colonoscopy procedure but right up there.

[lund17]

Wow, I have never laughed so hard in my life. This brings back some memories for me.

[Positrac]

Originally Posted by Bushrat

Had colonoscopy scheduled, drank the solution as required. Get ready to head to hospital for 9:00am, phone rings, hospital cancelled appointment, we are bumping you to tomorrow afternoon. Oh great. Eat a couple sandwiches, a bowl of soup, off to the drug store to get a second gallon of gut flush and start the process all over again..... the pictures were clear as a bell.

Been there too. Sat in the foyer for two hours to be told the machine was down and I’d have to come back another day...

Pretty crappy way to lose 10 pounds...

[omega50]

Would happily trade one Cystoscopy for 10 Colonoscopies.

[RandyBoBandy]

Originally Posted by amosfella

What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I'm glad you asked...

12:05 pm: It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm PBR and you don't want to be a ***** in front of your older brother's friends.

It's suppose to be grape flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision.

12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you've been saving it for the apocalypse because let's face it...that time is here. It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life.

12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of impacted **** in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser.

Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.

12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1...

12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God...is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The ****/ water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down.

Is that blood?

False alarm.

That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...when you were 5. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your ******* to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid **** fart as it gurgled out of your ass.

1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything's a blur. You have **** out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your ******* now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it.

You're now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats.

You meet Jesus.

8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they've seen in the last 8 hours.

You're broken.

Your *******'s broken.

Your spirit's broken.

Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn't have a **** stain on it, and you're going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left...and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it.

-unknown

Sorry to hear