Let's hear some jokes..cabin fever is setting in.

[Gerry]

The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Smith turned to his wife... "Show him, honey."

[Gerry]

The Creation Story as told by a dog.

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

[Gerry]

Two brothers, John and Richard lived in the same town. John with his 12 year old cat, Richard with their 88 year old Mother. John's whole life was his cat. He never went anywhere without her. One day he was faced with a terrible decision. He had to go to England on business for his company and he could not take the cat into England with having to quarantine her for 14 days. He wouldn't do that so he was faced with either losing his job or leaving his cat. Finally he decided to trust his brother with the cat for the week he would be gone. He gave Richard detailed instructions, schedules, food, etc. Finally he flew to London and called Richard every few hours to make sure Gracie the cat was ok. 4 days of this went by and John was really getting to be a pain in the neck. On the fifth day when he called John asked Richard how Gracie was and Richard told him. "Gracie is dead"!! Well as you can imagine, John nearly had a heart attack. When he recovered he said to Richard, "that was the most cruel thing I ever heard. You know how much I loved that cat, why couldn't you have broken it to me gently. You know like when I called said something like, well she’s OK but she is up on the roof. And then when I called the next time, tell me oh oh, bad news, she fell ot he roof and she’s at the vets. And then the next time break the news that she passed away. At least I would have been a little prepared for the bad news. "Yes, you are right John. I am sorry for being so heartless. John accepted Richards apology for being so uncaring, and then said, oh, by the way, how’s Mother? Richard then said, "well, John, she’s OK, but she was on the roof!!

[Red Bullets]

So I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the mental patients were shouting.. 13...13...13...13!

The fence was too high to look over so I found a little gap in the boards and looked through the gap to see what was going on. All of a sudden some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then all the mental patients starts shouting... 14...14...14...14!

[RandyBoBandy]

Seniors sex study

The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born. Statistics were just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations Board of Health Teams.
They revealed that North American men between 60 and 80 years of age will, on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This news came as a shock to me and my golf buddies, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.

[alacringa]

A preacher was conducting door-to-door visits in his neighbourhood when he reached a particular house. It was clear that someone was home, but though he knocked and called out, no one came to the door. He pulled out a business card and wrote on the back of it: "Revelation 3:20 - Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me." He slid the card through the mail slot.
The next week, he decided to visit the same house, and found his card taped to the door. Below the passage that he had written the week before, the resident had written "Genesis 3:10." The preacher wasn't familiar with this verse, and opened his Bible to look it up. "I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself."

[bat119]

Originally Posted by RandyBoBandy

Seniors sex study

The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born. Statistics were just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations Board of Health Teams.
They revealed that North American men between 60 and 80 years of age will, on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This news came as a shock to me and my golf buddies, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.

[Talking moose]

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[gloszz]

This one is Polish. If you are Polish, you know poor Jasiu is in all the jokes.

Jasiu wants to swim and asks the lifeguard for permission:
- Can I swim in this pool?
- You must show me how good you are at swimming first.
Jasiu begins. He makes flips, swims, dives. Finally, the lifeguard asks:
- Where did you learn to swim like this?
- Dad would throw me out into the middle of the lake.
- It was probably hard to reach the shore?
- No - says Jasiu. The hardest part was getting out of the bag...

[omega50]

Two hunters in deer camp woke up in the middle of the night. "Look at the stars... what a splendor," said one hunter. "Yeah but what do you think happened to our tent?" said the other.

[Fish along]

Originally Posted by Talking moose

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

There are some strange Ford folks out there lol.

[masssalmon]

I went into a book store today and asked if they had any books about turtles.

The cashier said : “hardback?”

I said: “yeah and little heads”

[waldedw]

walking around the farmers market the other day and there was a guy selling Viagra, he said come on buddy give it a try, I said why, he said it will put a little lead in your pencil
I said no thanks buddy I've go nobody to write to

[Okotok]

What do you get when you combine viagra and rogaine?

Don King!

[KGB]

Since we are on viagra theme: what’s the difference between viagra and viagra light? - with viagra light it doesn’t get up but it hangs really nice...

[omega50]

What are the two main ingredients in Viagra? A: Miracle Gro & Fix-a-flat!

[DOGFISH]

What is the difference between light and hard?


You can fall asleep with a light on.

[Nikanit]

It’s been cold for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it. He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.

[Nikanit]

Arguing with the wife is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet. In the end you just give up and go “I Agree”.

[Fish along]

Originally Posted by Nikanit

Arguing with the wife is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet. In the end you just give up and go “I Agree”.

LOL I AGREE.

[Okotok]

No matter how big and bad you are. When a 2 year old hands you a toy phone, you answer it.

[Coiloil37]

Not a classic joke but I saw this in Noosa a couple days ago and thought it was funny.

[Twisted Canuck]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my
coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."

Cabbie: "Oh there's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything---. Not like me I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well. I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his wife."

[Twisted Canuck]

A lady went into a bar in Red Deer, and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.
He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, 'Shore is, little lady.
Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?'
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill .
Blushing, he said, 'Well, thankya, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered.
Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.'
'Don't be flattered... Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit...'

[Twisted Canuck]

A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night... My daughter walked into the living room and said, ‘Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.’ "

"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"

"Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said... 'Dad, I've joined the Liberal party, and I'm going to work on Justin's re-election campaign!' ”

[Twisted Canuck]

A hooded robber burst into a bank in La Ronge, and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moments hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly to afraid to speak.

Then, one old farmer tentatively raised his hand without looking up said, "My wife got a pretty good look at ya."

[RandyBoBandy]

Two women were fighting bitterly for the last seat on a bus...

The conductor tried to intervene but it was no use.

Finally, from up the front, the driver said, “Just let the ugly one have it!”

Both women remained standing for the rest of the trip.

[Red Bullets]

.

[Fish along]

[QUOTE=Gerry;3927619]The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Smith turned to his wife... "Show

[Fish along]

Originally Posted by Red Bullets

.

Yes this is so unfair