Joke time

[tri777]

Originally Posted by Unregistered user

"..They said, 'How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."

:lol
Thx!

[tri777]

Life Before The Computer
------------------------

Memory was something you lost with age

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

A web was a spider's home

A virus was the flu

A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy..

..you just hoped nobody ever found out!!

[wolf308]

Originally Posted by tri777

:lol
Thx!

X2. Lmao

[Wanderingwest]

A happily married couple has enjoyed many years together, with only one exception. Each and every morning when the husband wakes from a peaceful night of sleep, he pushes out a thunderous fart which makes his wife sick to her stomach with the stench. Each and every time he does this she tells him the same thing, "one day you are going to fart out your insides".

On thanksgiving day, the wife finds herself awake real early and unable to get back to sleep. She quietly gets out of bed to not wake her husband and goes downstairs. She decides she may as well start preparing the turkey for dinner. As she is gutting the bird she has an idea. She collects all the innards in a bowl and brings them upstairs to the bedroom where she quietly places them in her husbands underwear while he is still asleep.

She quietly goes back downstairs, and waits.

About an hour later, she hears a thunderous fart from upstairs followed by a bloodcurdling scream. After about 15 minutes, he husband comes downstairs drenched in sweat. "Honey, whats wrong?" She asked her husband. "Well dear, you weren't kidding, it finally happened, I just farted my insides out! But dont worry my love, with two fingers and a bit of vasoline i damned near got it all back in!"

[tri777]

Originally Posted by Wanderingwest

dont worry my love, with two fingers and a bit of vasoline i damned near got it all back in!"

uhh, now my insides are sprawled out from the laughter!
Good awesome!

[great white whaler]

A man driving down the highway spotted a faiy flopping around in the ditch ,looks like shes got a broken wing ,so he pulls over gets out of is truck and grabs is first aid kit to go help this broken fairy he ducted tapes her broken wing and she go's for a test flight comes back all happy works great ,,so she granted the truck driver any wish he wanted ,,so he though it over and said he wanted to be up in marilyn monroe,,the fairy looked at him and said are you sure,he said yes ,so she wayed her wand and turned him in to a tampon.

[Unregistered user]

A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex...............:
Husband: Sukitaki.
Wife replies: Kowanini!
Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!
Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!.
.
Incredible........and there you sit, reading this crap as if you understand Japanese!
Unbelievable!…. I knew you would read anything if it was about sex.

[AdverseCity]

Originally Posted by Unregistered user

There ,,,,,. That should **** off just about everybody......

Great joke, I'll use that one many times I'm sure......

[Unregistered user]

1. A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her
altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an
hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet
above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude
and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is
technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your
information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to
me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you
are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of
hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you
expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position
you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

[From The Hip]

Sam and Ed are taking their lunch break high up on the beams of the skyscraper they are helping to build.Ed says to Sam...Sam you look down there at all of the bricks in that church....I laid all of those bricks myself and do people call me "Ed the bricklayer"?.....no they dont.I have worked on this skycraper and 5 others besides and do people call me "Ed the steelworker"?....no they do not.I tell you Sam you can bust your azz all of your life doing hard work but if you have sex with a single goat you are tagged for the rest of your life!

FTH

[stuckincity]

Some jerk looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Kokanee or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath - taste it and find out."

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said:

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, “Yesterday."

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.


***********


I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now".

[Unregistered user]

1. Two blondes walk into a building ........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2.. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

7. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

11. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

16. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

17. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

18. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

19. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[AdverseCity]

I hope no one get's offended by this one, I include myself in this group and find the joke hilarious.....



How do you get 20 Easterners into a station wagon....?

Put Alberta plates on it....

[skain11]

It is so cold in Calgary that the hookers are charging $50 to blow on your hands....

[tri777]

Pure Gold folks!!
I'm starting to conclude,
'Only Albertans tell the funniest of jokes!'

[great white whaler]

How do ya get 20 newfies in a chevette tell them you are going to alberta ,,how do ya get 30 newfies back in a chevette tell them you are going back to newfoundland.

[FishingFrenzy]

Originally Posted by skain11

It is so cold in Calgary that the hookers are charging $50 to blow on your hands....

Its so cold in Edmonton the hookers are paying you 50 bucks, just so they can be in a warm car.

[tri777]

how about..

'it's so cold out,all the hookers have gone frigid!'

[Unregistered user]

It's so cold you'll see a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

[Unregistered user]

RETIREMENT BONUS
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my Willie to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to “drop them” which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam''.

[norwestalta]

What do you call a midget Mexican hooker?
Cunswaylow

[norwestalta]

What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snow balls

[Fisherpeak]

How can you tell the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal one?

The Taste.

[great white whaler]

How did snow white take the seven dewarfs ,,,? one inch at a time

[bison]

How man evolved

[Unregistered user]

Sex techniques during Pregnancy

Man asks his doctor, "Can I have sex with my pregnant wife?"

The doctor replied:
"Yes. The first 3 months will be just like normal, the next three months you should do it like dog and the last three months you should do it like tiger."

The man replies:
"Tiger? I don't know that method."

The doctor explains :
"Like Tiger Woods. Sleep with other women."

[DiabeticKripple]

best joke: womens rights

[Red Bullets]

.

[CanadianBadass]

Originally Posted by diabetickripple

best joke: Womens rights

ohhhhhh snap !

[Fisherpeak]

Woman takes her son to the doctor.
"Doctor,little Nester was born with no eyelids!"Doc says "No problem,when I circumsize him I`ll make lids out of the skin'
But won`t that make him cockeyed?"
"Yes but think of the foresight he`ll have"