Let's hear some jokes..cabin fever is setting in.

[Red Bullets]

Cory has been going on an annual bowhunting trip with his friends for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, Cory"s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Cory's hunting buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Cory sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. "Sh*t , Cory how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?" his friend asked.

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!

She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes ! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

"So . . . here I am !"

[Gerry]

An old man staggers into a *****house and says, "I want a girl!"
The madam takes one look at him and says, "How old are you, Pops?"
The old man pulls himself up and proudly replies, "Ninety-two!"
"Ninety-two?" the madam repeats, incredulously. "Hell, old man, you've had it!"
"I have?" asks the old man, reaching for his wallet. "Wadda I owe you?”

[Gerry]

Little Johnny's father was trying to hold a poker game at his house while he was baby-sitting, and Johnny was being a real pain. No matter what the father did or said, Johnny would run back and forth behind the players and call out their cards. Everybody was threatening to leave when the kid's uncle took him by the hand and led him out of the room. He returned in a short time, and that was the last anyone heard from Johnny. When the game finally broke up, one of the players asked the uncle, "What in the world did you do to the kid?" "Not much," the uncle replied, "I just showed him how to masturbate.”

[Gerry]

A guy goes to a therapist and tells him that he thinks he's gay. "And what makes you think so?" the therapist asks. "My grandfather was gay." the guy says. The therapist explains that sexual preference was not thought to be a hereditary trait.
"Okay," the guy went on, "but my father was gay too." "That's unusual," the therapist says, "but that still doesn't make you gay."
"Well, there's my brother."
"Is he gay too? Doesn't anyone in your family sleep with women?"
"Sure, my sister.”

[Gerry]

The devil was giving a newcomer a guided tour through hell when they passed a room filled with wine bottles and beautiful, naked women. "Boy, could I have a great time in that room!" he snickers.
"That's what you think," says the devil. "See those wine bottles? They all have holes in the bottom."
"Well, that's okay," says the guy.
"Oh, yeah?" the devil replied. "See those women? They don't.”

[Gerry]

A wife was at home when she got a call from the local brewery where her husband worked. "I'm afraid I have some bad news, Mary," the man on the phone said. "There's been a terrible accident. You're husband fell in a big vat of beer and drowned." "Oh, my God!" gasped the new widow, "did he suffer much?" "No, I don't think so. He got out four times to ****.”

[Gerry]

Henry had been hankering after Hilda for months. When she finally invited him over for dinner to meet her family, he figured he really had it made. On the way over, he dropped by the drugstore to buy some condoms, bragging to the druggist, "Yep, looks like I'm gonna get lucky tonight!" At dinner, Henry asked if he could say grace, and (much to Hilda's surprise) prayed fervently for over five minutes. When he finally said, "Amen," Hilda leaned over to him and whispered, "Why, Henry! I had no idea you were so religious!" "No?" he whispered back, "and I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

[Gerry]

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is when you use a feather; kinky is when you use the whole chicken!
-----------------------------------------------------

Why are girls like rocks?
The flat ones are better to skip!
-----------------------------------------------------------

A boy baby and a girl baby are lying together in their crib. All of the sudden, the girl baby starts to scream, "Rape! RAPE!" The boy baby looked disgusted, "Oh, shut up! You just rolled over on your pacifier!"

[bat119]

Two new deer hunters decided to separate to increases their chances. “What if we get lost?” says one of them. “Fire three shots up in the air, every hour on the hour” says the other. “I saw it on TV.” Sure enough, one of the hunters gets lost, so he fires three shots up into the air every hour on the hour. The next day the other hunter finds his friend with the help of the Forest Ranger. “Did you do what I said?” asked the hunter. “Yes, I fired three shots up into the air every hour on the hour, until I ran out of arrows.”

[Penner]

Hey let's go and protest against the pipeline....wait a minute what are those kayaks, paddles, life jackets, rain suits, the protest sign made out of?

[RBI]

Originally Posted by tool

What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?






Oh.......... About 30 pounds!

What's the difference between , a hooker , a mistress , and a wife ?




The hooker goes " faster faster " , and mistress goes " slower slower " and the wife goes " beige .... I think we should paint the ceiling beige "

[Gerry]

As a salesman drove slowly along a country road, he noticed a three-legged chicken running alongside his car. He sped up to fifty-five miles per hour, but still the chicken kept pace. He sped up to eighty miles per hour, but still it made no difference. He slowed and the chicken disappeared into the distance, leaving him in the dust! Fascinated, the salesman noticed a local farmer beside the road, so he stopped and asked the farmer, "Did you just see that three-legged chicken go by here?" The farmer replied, "Why, yes, son, I shore did. Mah customers use'ta complain 'bout not gettin' enough drumsticks, so I been breedin' them three-legged chickens for a couple years now." The salesman was impressed. "Why, that's a brilliant idea. But how do they taste?" The farmer replied, "Don't know. Ain't never caught one yet."

[Gerry]

After the U. S. Army's success in Desert Storm, they're now allowing women with PMS into desert combat. It makes sense. They're mean as hell, plus they retain water!

[Gerry]

As a couple undresses on their honeymoon night, the groom takes off his pants and hands them to his bride. "Here, honey. Try these on," he says.
She does so and replies, "Why, these don't fit me; they're way too big!"
"Just remember that," says the groom. "In this family, I wear the pants!"
The bride then takes off her panties and throws them to her new husband. "Here, honey. Try these on," she says.
Her husband, trying to humor her, tries to, but can't. He replies, "Why, these don't fit me; they're way too small! I can't even begin to get into your pants!"
"That's right," she snaps, "and that's the way it's gonna stay until you change your goddamn attitude!"

[Gerry]

A son came to his father and asked, "Dad, what's the difference between theory and reality?" The father replied, "Well, son, let me explain it to you like this. Go to your mother and ask her if she'd screw anybody in the world for a million dollars." So the boy went to his mother and asked her if she'd **** anybody for a million dollars. "Gee," said his mother, "I've always been faithful to your father. But," and she hesitated, "with a million dollars, I could put you children through college, set you up in business, and your father could retire and stop worrying himself to death about work. I suppose, (even though I hate to admit it) that I would screw someone for a million dollars." The son returned to his father and told him what his mother had said. The father nodded wisely and said, "Now go to your sister and ask her." So the boy went to his sister and put the question to her. "Golly," said his sister, "my boyfriend and I have been saving ourselves for when we get married. But," and she too hesitated, "with a million dollars, I could do so much good. I could donate to charity, I could fund research to cure diseases, I could provide shelter for the homeless. I suppose, (even though I hate to admit it) that I would screw someone for a million dollars." The boy returned to his father and told him what his sister had said. The father nodded wisely and said, "There, son, you see? That's the difference between theory and reality." "I don't understand," said the boy. "How does that explain the difference between theory and reality?" "Well," explained the father, "in theory, we're two million dollars richer. In reality, we live with a couple of ****s."

[Gerry]

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy, with a summer house in the country to which he would retreat for several weeks each year. Every summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at his place, deep in the backwoods of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, surprised to get a freebie from a lawyer, readily agreed. They had a splendid time in the country, rising early, living in the great outdoors. One beautiful morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went way back in the woods to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they gathered tremendous quantities of blueberries and raspberries from the berry patch, suddenly two huge bears appeared, a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could to find the local sheriff, who grabbed a shotgun and raced back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the same two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, all while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the OTHER bear! "Are you mad?" screamed the lawyer. "Why did you do that? I told you he was in the other bear!" "Well, that's true," replied the sheriff, "but who do you know who would believe a lawyer who told you `the Czech was in the male?'"

[Fish along]

Thanks guys for all the great jokes,I watch for new ones every, and besides winter isn't over yet.lol.

[Red Bullets]

A new early morning chuckle... just posted a day ago on CBC. Some good comedy. The whole episode. John Beuhler has hilarious clips thru the show.

https://watch.cbc.ca/halifax-comedy-...5a-00dfe5c8344

[RBI]

How do you make a cat sound like a dog


... you pour a can of gasoline on it and light a match .... " WOOF "


In fair play , How do you make a dog sound like a cat



ya just stick it in a freezer for 24 hrs , then run it through a table saw .... ' M E E E E O W "

[Little red riding hood]

Why do Mennonites wear condoms?

To prevent the spread of ABES!

[.257Weatherby]

When Albert Einstein met Stephen Hawking at the Pearly Gates, what was the first thing he said?
"Its about Time''.

RIP Stephen.

Rob

[Little red riding hood]

This man was really lonely, so he posted an ad on a popular website. The ad said, simply: "Wife wanted."

He was surprised the next morning to find he had over a hundred replies in his inbox. Unfortunately, they all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

[Little red riding hood]

A fireman is washing his truck in front of the station one day, when a little girl comes down the street with a red wagon with a ladder tied on the side and a garden hose rolled up inside.
Her wagon is pulled by a dog and a cat, he notices that the dog is hitched around his neck, but kitty is walking funny, because he's hitched by his family jewels!
So the fireman says "hey there pardner, I don't mean to tell you how to run your rig... but I think you might go faster if you hitched that line to kitty's neck!"
She looks at him and says, "you're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

[Davey Boy]

A heartwarming, sentimental family story...



Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table and next to them a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 a.m. ratted out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door. All in all, one hell of a performance, Dad."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table-$239.99
Hot Breakfast-$4.20
Two Aspirins-$0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time ...PRICELESS

[Little red riding hood]

An old man is laying in bed getting ready to meet his maker, when he starts to notice a lovely aroma wafting into his room. As he's laying there enjoying the aroma, it starts to bring him around and he sits up in bed, and the smell gets stronger.
And the stronger the smell gets, the more he feels strength entering his limbs, so he swings his feet to the floor and staggers to his feet, he braces himself on the wall and makes his way to the door, and as he opens it the smell hits him and he feels a surge of strength and energy flood over him! So he braves the treacherous stairs and with the help of the handrails he gets to the bottom and stumbles toward the kitchen.
As he enters he sees that the table is covered with his favorite treat in all the world!
Hundreds of chocolate chip cookies!
Well the old fellow thinks to himself... "my sweet dear wife has decided to give me one last special treat before I leave this world!" So he reaches for a cookie... and
WHAP!!! a spatula comes hard across his hand and his wife is standing there and she says
"You stay out of those! They're for the funeral!!!"

[Nikanit]

Dad: "Son! You have to stop masturbating or you'll go blind"

Son: "Dad, I'm standing over here"

[timbertom]

Men who are bald in front are thinkers,
Men who are bald in back are lovers,

Men who are bald all over.....














Think they are Lovers...

[Little red riding hood]

Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets?

So they can run their fingers through their hair!

[Red Bullets]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids' to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially' you and I are sitting on three million dollars. But 'realistically' we're living with two hookers and a *****."

[bat119]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."