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  #511  
Old 09-05-2018, 06:57 PM
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lmtada lmtada is offline
 
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Cabbage

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Boiled cabbage

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1 boiled cabbage

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50damnboiledcabbages

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50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveM eAccessNow !

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  #512  
Old 09-07-2018, 12:51 AM
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Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
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A friend was telling me his new girlfriend told him a small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship.

He just wishes she didn't have one.
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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  #513  
Old 09-07-2018, 06:49 PM
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huntinstuff huntinstuff is offline
 
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A Mexican magician told the crowd “I will disappear at the count of 3”

Uno

Dos......POOF!!!

He was gone, without a tres......
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  #514  
Old 09-08-2018, 10:29 AM
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  #515  
Old 09-10-2018, 01:26 PM
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
___________________________________________
It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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  #516  
Old 09-10-2018, 05:52 PM
270person 270person is offline
 
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Default Revenge

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make to my friend Robyn. I dialed her number and a man answered, saying 'Hello'

I politely said, ' This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Wrong number idiot!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an *******!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, you're an ******* !' It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic '*******' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an *******!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW ******* too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is.'
I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax . It's a yellow bilevel and the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?'
He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Don, you're an *******!'
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two ******** to call. Then I came up with an idea.......
I called ******* #1.
He said, 'Hello.'
I said, 'You're an ******* !' (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah.'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me!'
I said, 'Make me.'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, '*******, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, a yellow bilevel with a black Beamer parked in front.'
'He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******!' and hung up.

Then I called ******* #2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, *******.'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ***!'
I answered, 'Well, *******, here's your chance... I'm coming over right now!'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax . I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two ******** beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead News helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
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  #517  
Old 09-17-2018, 08:14 PM
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urban rednek urban rednek is offline
 
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Default alerts to terror threats in Europe

By John Cleese:

“The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “****ed Off” to “Let’s Get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
The Italians have increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA!”. Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “I hope Australia will come and rescue us”
The Australians, meanwhile, have raised their security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level."
— John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person.
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“We seem to be getting closer and closer to a situation where nobody is responsible for what they did but we are all responsible for what somebody else did.”- Thomas Sowell
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  #518  
Old 09-18-2018, 01:45 PM
stuckincity stuckincity is offline
 
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What's the difference between David Suzuki and God?
God doesn't think He's David Suzuki.
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  #519  
Old 09-23-2018, 01:34 PM
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Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
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.
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
___________________________________________
It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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  #520  
Old 09-23-2018, 03:35 PM
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Okotok Okotok is offline
 
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A man and his wife decided to do a little kayak fishing in Alaska. Unfortunately, his wife fell overboard and he was unable to save her. Two days later, an officer shows up at his door. "Sir, I'm here with some very bad news about your wife and some good news too". The man says, "well tell me the bad news first". The officer says "we found your wife's body this morning. When we pulled her out, she had six large king crabs and 8 snow crabs holding on to her and we only feel it's fair that you get a share of the catch". The man says "Omigod! what's the good news?!". The officer says "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!".
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  #521  
Old 09-23-2018, 04:04 PM
badbrass badbrass is offline
 
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Ventriloquist Apologizes


A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little sh*t on your lap."
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  #522  
Old 09-24-2018, 04:21 AM
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smith88 smith88 is offline
 
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How do you turn a fox into a elephant?




Marry her.
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  #523  
Old 09-24-2018, 05:34 AM
bubba300 bubba300 is offline
 
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Whats the difference between a welder and a farmer ?
A welder doesn't think he can farm.
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  #524  
Old 09-24-2018, 07:09 AM
elkhunter11 elkhunter11 is offline
 
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I found this amusing.

https://www.facebook.com/loeiloffici...4654826330904/
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  #525  
Old 09-24-2018, 08:50 AM
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Okotok Okotok is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elkhunter11 View Post
Ha! Just like the bear and the rabbit.
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  #526  
Old 09-24-2018, 09:03 AM
kingrat kingrat is offline
 
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How do you know if a guy shoots a 6.5 creedmor?
Don't worry he'll tell you.
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  #527  
Old 09-24-2018, 09:34 AM
jr_80 jr_80 is offline
 
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Default Jumper

A man is walking along a set of cliffs one afternoon. He comes across a nice looking blond woman that is about to jump. He says to her “since your just gonna end it, before you jump will you have sex with me”? “Of course not”! is her reply. So he says to her “ok, I’ll wait for you at the bottom”.
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  #528  
Old 09-24-2018, 01:23 PM
stuckincity stuckincity is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by badbrass View Post
Ventriloquist Apologizes


A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little sh*t on your lap."




An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." And with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all men... are men!

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  #529  
Old 09-25-2018, 09:46 PM
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Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
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Finally got my windows 8 upgrade package.

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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
___________________________________________
It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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  #530  
Old 09-25-2018, 09:48 PM
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Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
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Boy ,last time I use that taxidermist. Seems like it took forever to get my mount back.

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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
___________________________________________
It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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  #531  
Old 09-26-2018, 07:00 AM
elkhunter11 elkhunter11 is offline
 
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Only accurate guns are interesting.
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  #532  
Old 09-26-2018, 10:06 AM
mchris44 mchris44 is offline
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Default Joke

A blind guy visited one of the choir mistresses at home and found her bathing. Since he was blind, she let him in. After bathing, she came out naked with her legs spread and started shaving in front of him and tried to make a conversation by asking him. Mr. John, what brings you here? Is everything OK at home? He replied, yes, everything is fine. I came to tell you that I have done the eye surgery and I can now see clearly now. :sHa_sarcastic lol::sHa_sarca sticlol:
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  #533  
Old 09-26-2018, 10:20 AM
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Okotok Okotok is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mchris44 View Post
A blind guy visited one of the choir mistresses at home and found her bathing. Since he was blind, she let him in. After bathing, she came out naked with her legs spread and started shaving in front of him and tried to make a conversation by asking him. Mr. John, what brings you here? Is everything OK at home? He replied, yes, everything is fine. I came to tell you that I have done the eye surgery and I can now see clearly now. :sHa_sarcastic lol::sHa_sarca sticlol:
Mother Superior told her nuns that she wanted them to paint the inside of the convent. She said, whatever you do, don't get any paint on your habits. With this in mind, the nuns decided they would paint naked as they really didn't want to get paint on the few other clothes they possessed. After they were painting for a while, the doorbell rang. A nun went up to the door and nervously asked "who is it?". "The blindman" was the reply. She immediately relaxed and opened the door thinking if he was blind, it wouldn't be a problem. "Nice boobs, where do you want the blinds" said the man.
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  #534  
Old 09-26-2018, 10:36 AM
jstubbs jstubbs is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bubba300 View Post
Whats the difference between a welder and a farmer ?
A welder doesn't think he can farm.
False. Welders think they know everything. Lol
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  #535  
Old 10-08-2018, 09:55 AM
RandyBoBandy RandyBoBandy is offline
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans...

walk into a very fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group...

"You can't come in here without a Thai. "
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  #536  
Old 10-08-2018, 09:57 AM
RandyBoBandy RandyBoBandy is offline
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I get embarrassed when my dog sniffs peoples' crotch

Especially because he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up.
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  #537  
Old 10-13-2018, 05:24 PM
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Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
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What is a camel?

A horse designed by the Federal Government.
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___________________________________________
This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
___________________________________________
It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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  #538  
Old 10-14-2018, 09:23 AM
leeelmer leeelmer is offline
 
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What do welders and crows have incommon?
If they are not squacking or flapping their wings, they are looking for something shinny to steal.
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  #539  
Old 10-15-2018, 02:36 PM
stuckincity stuckincity is offline
 
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A man was recovering from surgery when a Surgical Nurse appeared and
asked him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Newfoundlanders Fire Insurance:

A man and his wife moved back home to Newfoundland , from Vancouver.

The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in BC was $2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Newfoundland , they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Newfoundlandto insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in BC!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says:

"Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, MOST PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYING IN RECENT YEARS:

25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's bloody scary.........

It means 75% are running around with no Mental Illness medication at all!!!

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  #540  
Old 10-15-2018, 08:41 PM
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Calvintheredneck Calvintheredneck is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Okotok View Post
Ha! Just like the bear and the rabbit.
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