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  #541  
Old 04-12-2018, 05:07 PM
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A missionary has been sent to Africa to work with a small village.* About a year after his arrival, one of the young women of the village gives birth and it is clear that the child is half white/half black.* The head of the village goes to visit the missionary in order to get to the bottom of the situation.* The chief* asks if the missionary can explain why the child seems to have a father who is white.* The missionary asks the chief to follow him.* The two of them walk down a dirt road to where the village's sheep herd is grazing in a pasture.**
"Do you see that all of the sheep are white, except for that one over there, which is black?"
The chief becomes flustered, raises a hand and waives it about, saying "OK, OK.* I'l shut up about the baby if you promise to shut up about the sheep."
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  #542  
Old 04-12-2018, 08:32 PM
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I said to my girlfriend, "I'm sorry for treating you really badly recently. How can I make it up to you?"
"Well you can take me to the movies tonight."
"Consider it done. I'll even pick you up afterwards."
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  #543  
Old 04-12-2018, 11:10 PM
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Peace region RCMP report finding a man's body in the Peace River, near Taylor.
The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on *****,
purple lipstick, and a ‘Re-Elect Trudeau' T-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.
The police removed the Trudeau T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
So... In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police do care.
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  #544  
Old 04-13-2018, 06:15 AM
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Donald Trump, Mike Pence and Michael Cohen walk into a shower...
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  #545  
Old 04-13-2018, 07:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Little red riding hood View Post
Peace region RCMP report finding a man's body in the Peace River, near Taylor.
The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on *****,
purple lipstick, and a ‘Re-Elect Trudeau' T-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.
The police removed the Trudeau T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
So... In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police do care.
It was later determined that body belonged to an off duty member based out of Regina
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  #546  
Old 04-13-2018, 01:44 PM
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A buddy of mine was out hunting in Tofield last fall and shot his freakin toe off!

Said he was glad he wasn't hunting in Balzac or Cochrane.
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  #547  
Old 04-19-2018, 05:31 AM
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A young hot shot salesman starts his job at a giant US super box store right out of business school. The manager really likes him and has high hopes for him, he sees him as management type. At the end of the hot shots first day the manager summons the youngster and asks him how his day went.

The youngster quite proudly says, it went great, I sold 120,000 dollars today. The manager tried to hide his surprise and asked how he had managed that feat. Well said the hot shot, this man came in and I showed him some fishing lures, he bought some of those so we moved up to rods, then reels, tackle boxes and other assorted items. In the end I got him in a nice new boat and he needed a truck to pull that big sucker. We looked at a few trucks and I managed to up sell him into a beautiful GMC diesel rig to pull that bad boy boat. The manager was quite pleased and exclaimed, all that when the man came in to look at fishing lures. Oh no said the young salesman, he didn't come in to look at lures. He was looking for tampons, I said you're going to need something to do this weekend.
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Last edited by pikergolf; 04-19-2018 at 05:38 AM.
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  #548  
Old 04-26-2018, 04:43 PM
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Default documentaries

was watching a tv documentary and it was a guy talking about the first time he made a movie. he claimed that him and his partner had to do every thing . raise money , produce , edit, recruit actors . being it was his first time it was alot like the first time you make love to a woman!


I emediately yelled at the tv "liar you cant make a movie in 18 seconds" stupid documentary
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  #549  
Old 04-26-2018, 10:16 PM
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Default Women's magazines

Today at the dentists office I was forced to read a trashy magazine you know long wait and no selection. In the mag was an article on top 10 reasons why women moan during sex. After reading it I thought not even close . From my experience its cause the wife thought she left the oven on. Stupid women's mag.
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  #550  
Old 05-02-2018, 12:55 PM
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A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes. She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally blows a fart. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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  #551  
Old 06-22-2018, 09:27 AM
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No matter which side you are on in the matter of renaming the Washington Redskins, this is funny. This guy is hilarious.

Here is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.

****************************** *

Dear Mr. Page:



I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins.

One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.


Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about Oakland Raiders, Minnesota Vikings, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and Pittsburgh Pirates!

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits.Wrong message to our children.

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic.

Wrong message to our children.

The Cincinnati Reds promote downers and barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.


The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.



So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing politicians love.

As a diehard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers,” especially when they play Southern California. Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers?

I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. As for the Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the "Foreskins" to better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in Washington DC
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  #552  
Old 06-22-2018, 07:49 PM
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A young couple I know came to me for advice today... Together they asked if they should abstain from sex until after marriage. I assured them there will be lots of time to abstain from sex after marriage.
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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  #553  
Old 07-09-2018, 10:52 PM
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Default Standing up to the wife

Today i could hear the wife stomping around the house. Oh oh shes looking for me . After a time she finds me . She yells at me you are so immature! I stood up for myself i said if youre going to be mean you can get out of my fort!
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  #554  
Old 12-02-2018, 08:26 AM
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A balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in California , walked into a jewelery store in
a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There was only $25 in your account.'
'I know, said the old man,
'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
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  #555  
Old 12-02-2018, 11:50 AM
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I see they are bringing out a new iphone. It's called the Senior edition iphone.
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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  #556  
Old 12-03-2018, 02:03 PM
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A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
She went to check it out.
She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians and the mainstream media tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
And finally
"I pray that everyone will be happy".

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a F@#*% wall"
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  #557  
Old 12-10-2018, 12:19 AM
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Wink How you doin?

Most big game hunters have experienced the squirrel messing with them while hunting. Have you ever wondered what could happen when you are hunting squirrel?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4tV3lCbTzQ
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“One of the sad signs of our times is that we have demonized those who produce, subsidized those who refuse to produce, and canonized those who complain.” - Thomas Sowell

“We seem to be getting closer and closer to a situation where nobody is responsible for what they did but we are all responsible for what somebody else did.”- Thomas Sowell
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  #558  
Old 01-05-2019, 04:11 PM
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  #559  
Old 01-07-2019, 10:28 AM
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Chuck Norris Died!
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  #560  
Old 01-07-2019, 11:18 AM
Hawkeye Hawkeye is offline
 
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Surprise sex in the morning is great……unless you're in prison!
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  #561  
Old 01-07-2019, 03:40 PM
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A man gets stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: well this I got to see!!
A little while later...
Warden: well??
Man: what?
Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: what fish??
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  #562  
Old 01-13-2019, 02:21 PM
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  #563  
Old 01-13-2019, 06:08 PM
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Edmonton Oilers had a SKILLS EXHIBITION and they WON !!
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  #564  
Old 01-15-2019, 09:21 AM
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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
😂
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  #565  
Old 01-15-2019, 11:36 AM
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What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A carrot.
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  #566  
Old 01-15-2019, 03:30 PM
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The town council of Red Deer approached Gary Bettman and asked if they could have an NHL team.....

He refused and said if they got one then Edmonton and Calgary would want one too!...
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  #567  
Old 01-15-2019, 08:52 PM
RandyBoBandy RandyBoBandy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nekred View Post
The town council of Red Deer approached Gary Bettman and asked if they could have an NHL team.....

He refused and said if they got one then Edmonton and Calgary would want one too!...
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  #568  
Old 01-15-2019, 09:19 PM
obsessed1 obsessed1 is offline
 
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What do you call a vegetarian with the trots?











A smoothie maker
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  #569  
Old 01-17-2019, 02:05 PM
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There were three bucks in a field talking, an 8 point, a 4 point, and a button buck.
The 8 point was bragging and saying that he had 8 does.

The 4 point was bragging that he had 4 does

Of course the little button buck didn't have any does

Then all of a sudden a huge 14 point buck walked into the field all alone.

The 8 point looked around and said “I really don't need 8 does, 4 is enough for me.”

The 4 point thought about it a little bit and said I really don't need 4 does, 2 is enough for me.

The little button buck suddenly took off and starting making huge scrapes, rubbing trees and just generally making a real ruckus.

The other two bucks looked at him and said, “what the heck do you think you're doing?”

The little button buck looked at them and said, “I just want that big bastard to know I'm a buck.”
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  #570  
Old 01-22-2019, 12:53 AM
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Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
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When I was young I had the discussion with my parents about where I came from. My Dad explained that we all came from Adam and Eve. He said Adam and Eve had kids and those kids had kids and those kids had kids and eventually we came to be.

I asked my Dad, " Then why does Mom say we evolved from apes?"

Dad replied, " Oh, that's your mom's side of the family."
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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