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Old 02-06-2018, 02:43 PM
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Default Let's hear some jokes..cabin fever is setting in.

There was these old boys I NFLD,who's community just acquired a new fire truck, and the question came up about what they would do with their old one,well one old guy at the back yelled out ,I think we should keep her and use her for false alarms.
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If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
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Old 02-06-2018, 03:03 PM
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Two guys walking down the street and they see a REAL BIG mean looking black dog licking his package. One guys says "Man I wish I could do that"
Buddy says "I think you better pat him first"
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Old 02-06-2018, 03:08 PM
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Saw a guy with no arms hopping and bobbing as he was going down the street I asked what he was so happy about.....

He said he wasn't happy, he had itchy balls!
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That's better!...
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Old 02-06-2018, 03:33 PM
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Why does a dog lick his balls?

Because he can!

What's the moral of this story?

If you could reach yours, you'd be sitting on the floor, lapping away at them!
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Old 02-06-2018, 03:35 PM
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guy walks into bar and sees pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you attempt to slap the meat and miss, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks in the bar until we close". The bartender looks back at the customer and asks "So what do you say, would you like to give the challenge a shot?" The customer quickly responds with a "No". "Why not?" The bartender asks. The customer replies, "The steaks are too high".
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Old 02-06-2018, 04:15 PM
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As told to me by the older guy down the street who first heard it when Sr was our PM.

It's early July and the Calgary Stampede is in full swing. Trudeau is at the Chinook Mall Stampede breakfast, flipping pancakes and posing for photos.
Someone in the line-up yells out over the noise of the crowd, "Hey Trudeau, you're a horses arse!"

A grizzled old cowboy rises from his seat, points a finger at the heckler and yells, "Watch your mouth sonny. We don't take kindly to those kind of insults around here!"

The heckler raises his hand and says, "I apologize. I had no idea that this was Liberal country."

"You're g** da**ed right this isn't Liberal country", said the cowboy. "This here's horse country!"
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Old 02-06-2018, 06:02 PM
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Two fellers out on the bay fishing,and along comes a yacht with women sunbathing in their bathing suits ,one guy says to the other...you should show em your nutz so he crosses his eyes an licks out his tongue at them
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If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
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Old 02-06-2018, 06:12 PM
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I was standing at the bar in Terminal 3 at the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says, "No I don't. And why the heck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little s^*t!"
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Old 02-06-2018, 06:22 PM
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Too much thinking...
Last year authorities in Montana discovered that a hermit had been living in an old Forest Service cabin, and they were concerned about his well being. They decided to send up a team of experts from different fields to analyze his living arrangements, and to make sure that he was okay.First they decided on a Psychologist, to make sure that the man was mentally handling his isolation. Next, they decided on an Engineer, to make sure that the cabin is still structurally sound and safe. Finally, they decided on a Theological professor from the university, to make sure that the man's spiritual needs were being fulfilled.The team made it's way up the treacherous terrain in three days, but they were truly exhausted. Finally, on the evening of the third day, they spotted the cabin. From the outside, it appeared all was well.The area around the cabin was clean, the ground almost appearing as though it had been swept often. There was smoke coming from the stove pipe chimney, and the door was slightly ajar.Cautiously, they walked inside.Inside the cabin everything appeared neat and tidy. The only thing that stood out, and this immediately caught the attention of all three men, was that the stove was suspended 18 inches off of the floor by about a hundred wires attached to the ceiling. The pattern of the wires was very intricate, cutting this way and that, and it appeared to be a very sturdy arrangement.At first, all three men did not know what to make of the arrangement. Finally with a loud, "Oh yes!" the Psychologist spoke. "This very clearly explains this man's desire to return to the womb. He has arranged the stove so that he can crawl underneath to, once again, feel the warmth of the womb." "Nonsense!" exclaimed the Engineer. "This serves a very clear and definite thermodynamic purpose. He has lifted the stove so as to reduce the zone which the heat has to permeate, allowing the cold air to remain within the cabin, locking the heat in place. This man is a genius." The Theological Professor stayed quiet a moment longer, but then he too spoke. "I hate to disappoint you both, but I believe you are both wrong. The placement of fire on raised altars has always been a significant emblem of the existence of faith and religion in cultures of the past and present. It would clearly be that this man has created an altar for whatever faith he has clung onto or, worse yet, created." At this, the three men argued until there was a loud knock at the door, and the three men turned to see that the hermit had returned to his home. Immediately the three men approached him and demanded to know the significance of the placement of the stove.The hermit stared at the three men long enough to hush them up, and then he spoke." Simple...
had to fix stove pipe...
plenty of wire...
not enough stove pipe!"
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Old 02-06-2018, 06:24 PM
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I was talking to my mother and told her that I always felt different and thought I was adopted.
She replied, " 你像白米一樣白。."
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Old 02-06-2018, 06:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Red Bullets View Post
I was talking to my mother and told her that I always felt different and thought I was adopted.
She replied, " 你像白米一樣白。."
Stop being insecure, and bring me the rest of the cat..?
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'You can accomplish a lot more with a kind word and a gun, than with a kind word alone.' Al Capone

"Slàinte mhòr agad!"
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Old 02-06-2018, 06:32 PM
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Stop being insecure, and bring me the rest of the cat..?
You are white as rice.
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Old 02-06-2018, 06:34 PM
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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?'
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. 'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'
One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'
"My point exactly", said the doctor.
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Old 02-06-2018, 06:39 PM
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Researchers in Calgary recently were finding several dead crows along the QE2 highway. Upon further analysis researchers realized all of the dead crows had been hit only by trucks. In trying to figure out why the crows were only hit by trucks they were amazed to discover it was because the crows could only say "Caw".
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Old 02-06-2018, 06:49 PM
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A trapper in the Yukon walks 23 miles to his nearest neighbours cabin and knocks on the door. When his neighbour answers he says "I'm having a party at my place tomorrow night and wanted to invite you over for the festivities." There's going to be lots of good food. Plenty of liquor. Music, Dancing, and maybe even a little sex afterwards.

The neighbour replies, "Well that's right neighbourly of you friend." Who alls gonna be there?"

First trapper says "Probably just me and you"
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Old 02-06-2018, 07:28 PM
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A blonde walked up to the bar and ordered a “double entendre”

.....so the bartender gave it to her
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Old 02-06-2018, 08:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Red Bullets View Post
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?'
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. 'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'
One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'
"My point exactly", said the doctor.
Best one I've heard in a long time ,bahaha, good stuff Red.
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If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
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Old 02-06-2018, 08:02 PM
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An Englisman, an Irishman and a Newf are having a beer at the local pub.
The Newf says "This is a nice place."

The Englishman replies, "Yes it is, but it is not as nice as my local pub back home. At the Naughty Knight, after you've bought 3 pints, the bartender gets you your next pint, free of charge!"

"That sounds like a lovely establishment." , said the Irishman. "But at the King's Head back in Dublin, the bartender gives you a pint on the house after you've bought the first two. And, if you're a regular, he'll include a sausage on a bun to go with it."

"That sounds great, b'y," said the Newf, "but, I'd have to say that the Salty Cod back in Corner Brook has them all beat. When you walk into the bar, the bartender gets you your first beer on the house. Your, second, third and fourth beer are also all on the house. In fact, he'll get you as many beer as you want, all for free. And if you're hungry, he'll bring you a plate of fish and chips as well!!!"

"This sounds too good to be true.", said the Irishman.

"But there's more." , said the Newf. "When your feeling just right, the bartender takes you to a room above the bar and makes sure that all of your needs are looked after, if you know what I mean."

"Lies!!", says the Englishman. "This was a good story, but now you've taken it too far."

"This seems unbelievable. I suppose that this has happened to you personally?", asked the Irishman.

"No,no, not to me personally," , said the Newf " but on several occasions, it has happened to me sister."
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Old 02-06-2018, 08:11 PM
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Guy goes to his doctor and says "doctor! I’ve had 'what’s new p_u_$$ycat' stuck in my head for the last week and its driving me insane!"

the doctor replies "hmmmm, I’ve seen this before. it seems you're suffering from TomJones-itis"

guy replies "is this common?"

Doctor says "well, it's not unusual"
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Old 02-06-2018, 08:13 PM
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"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
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Old 02-06-2018, 08:15 PM
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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."
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Old 02-06-2018, 08:18 PM
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After his divorce Mr. Jones realized that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss.
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Old 02-06-2018, 09:01 PM
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Originally Posted by RandyBoBandy View Post
Guy goes to his doctor and says "doctor! I’ve had 'what’s new p_u_$$ycat' stuck in my head for the last week and its driving me insane!"

the doctor replies "hmmmm, I’ve seen this before. it seems you're suffering from TomJones-itis"

guy replies "is this common?"

Doctor says "well, it's not unusual"
Bahaha
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If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
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Old 02-06-2018, 09:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RandyBoBandy View Post
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."
Funny lol.
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If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
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Old 02-06-2018, 09:10 PM
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My girlfriend and I like 60’s music.

My favourite is The Monkees. Played it literally all the time.

Finally, she says “turn that stuff off or Im leaving you!”

I didnt think she was serious.......And then I saw her face
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Old 02-06-2018, 09:19 PM
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A guy sits down at a bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.

" Is everything okay pal ?", the bartender asks .

" My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!".

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says , " Well maybe that's kind of a good thing, You know , a little peace and quiet "

" Yeah " says the guy, " But today is the last day " .
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My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity
I replied, no, we all seem to enjoy it.
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Old 02-06-2018, 09:35 PM
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The only cow in a small town in Saskatchewan stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta for 800 dollars. Being a poor town, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the local farming elder, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the old farmer what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.
The elder thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Alberta?"
The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise man. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?
"The old farmer answered sadly, "My wife is from Alberta."
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Old 02-06-2018, 09:39 PM
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A brunette goes to see a doctor and says that her body hurts whenever she touches it.
" Impossible ," says the doctor.
' Show me ."
She takes her finger, and presses on her elbow , and screams in agony , She pushes her knee and screams , pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain .
The doctor says " You're not really a brunette are you ?"
She says, " No, I dyed my hair, I'm naturally blonde , How did you know ?"
"Because " , says the doctor ... " Your finger is broken ."
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My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity
I replied, no, we all seem to enjoy it.
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Old 02-06-2018, 09:54 PM
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One day, Jesus was walking by the Pearly Gates, when St. Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach. He walked very slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard.

“How did you spend your life on earth my son?” asked Jesus.

“I was a simple carpenter for sixty years” replied the old man.

“And what do you hope to find here in heaven” asked Jesus.

“I hope to find my son” said the old white haired man.

“Well there are millions upon millions of people here, how will you find him?” asked Jesus.

“I’ll recognize him by the nail holes in his hands and feet,” states the old man.

Jesus does a double take, thinks for a moment and says, “Father???”

The old man looks at Jesus and says, “Pinocchio?"
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Old 02-06-2018, 10:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RBI View Post
A guy sits down at a bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.

" Is everything okay pal ?", the bartender asks .

" My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!".

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says , " Well maybe that's kind of a good thing, You know , a little peace and quiet "

" Yeah " says the guy, " But today is the last day " .
This is a. Good one.
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If people concentrated on the really important things in life,there would be a shortage of fishing poles.Doug larson. Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright.
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