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  #721  
Old 06-12-2019, 04:22 PM
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Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Color of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my Jeep.

Sergeant:
What kind of Jeep was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer......
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant:
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep.
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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  #722  
Old 06-12-2019, 07:28 PM
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I’m rather constipated tonight.I have to go see 71 and take a big Turd. It’s been turdle necking for three years now and I’m guessing it will take a lot of conservative wiping to remove these burnouts afterwards. My bodily tract should function like a well Alberta oiled machine when the demon has been released.
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  #723  
Old 06-13-2019, 10:32 AM
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Devil shows up in church and evryone runs out but an old man. Devil says why don't you run, aren't you afraid of me? Old man says,nope, married your sister!
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  #724  
Old 06-14-2019, 09:17 AM
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Default RIP Rodney Dangerfield

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield



With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.



I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.



It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!



Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.



A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!



A hooker once told me she had a headache.



I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'



My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.



I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.



The other day I came home early and a guy was joggingpast my house, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'



My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.



I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.



My wife is such a bad cook. In my house we pray after the meal.



My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.



My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.



It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.



I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.



I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.



I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.



I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.



I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father He said he wanted more proof.



Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."



My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.



I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."



One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.



My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.



THAT'S WHY WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD
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  #725  
Old 06-14-2019, 09:43 AM
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Red Bullets Red Bullets is offline
 
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gotta love small town alberta
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___________________________________________
This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
___________________________________________
It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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  #726  
Old 06-14-2019, 10:48 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Davey Boy View Post
Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield



With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.



I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.



It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!



Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.



A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!



A hooker once told me she had a headache.



I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'



My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.



I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.



The other day I came home early and a guy was joggingpast my house, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'



My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.



I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.



My wife is such a bad cook. In my house we pray after the meal.



My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.



My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.



It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.



I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.



I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.



I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.



I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.



I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father He said he wanted more proof.



Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."



My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.



I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."



One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.



My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.



THAT'S WHY WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD
He was a very talented man with a huge heart! One of my all time favourite actors-comedians. The roles he played in the movies are priceless. I put him in the same line as Charlie Chaplin.
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  #727  
Old 06-14-2019, 11:01 AM
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My favorite Rodney line

In my neighborhood the kids were mean and poor they couldn't afford guns so they pushed the bullets in manually
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  #728  
Old 06-14-2019, 12:13 PM
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I believe this came from Rodney as well...

Half the fun of kids is making them.
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  #729  
Old 06-14-2019, 12:52 PM
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Rodney: “My wife got her wallet stolen more than a month ago. My friends asked me why I didn’t cancel my credit cards? I said why should I? The person who took it spend less money than my wife!”
I just LOVE that joke!
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  #730  
Old 06-14-2019, 03:07 PM
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Last time i went for a medical checkup and lab tests, my doctor said,
"You're a very sick man!"

I said, "I want a second opinion!"
My doctor said, "OK you're ugly and fat too".
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  #731  
Old 06-14-2019, 04:12 PM
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Another man went to the doctor and asks. "So, Am I going to make it?" The Doc sadly replies saying, "I have bad news and really bad news."

Shocked, the man asked, "What's the bad news?" The Doc tells the man,"The bad news is your results show that you have 4 days to live."

Crying to the doctor the man sadly asks, "So what's the really bad news?" The Doc says, "I was supposed to call you two days ago."
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
___________________________________________
It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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  #732  
Old 06-19-2019, 04:42 PM
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subtle humour..
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
___________________________________________
It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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  #733  
Old 06-19-2019, 05:28 PM
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You have to get a chuckle out of this

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  #734  
Old 06-19-2019, 06:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bat119 View Post
You have to get a chuckle out of this

Awesome!!!!
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  #735  
Old 06-19-2019, 08:17 PM
RandyBoBandy RandyBoBandy is offline
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Old doctor & young doctor

A young doctor has moved out to a small community to replace an older
doctor who is retiring
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds,
so the community could become use to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit.
Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick."

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman?
How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there?
When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in
the trash.
That was what probably was making her sick."

The younger doctor said "pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think
I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a
younger woman.
She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said,
"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger
doctor told her.
"Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your
diagnosis is almost certainly
correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"

”I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and,
when I bent down to retrieve it,
I noticed the pastor under the bed.”
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  #736  
Old 06-19-2019, 08:18 PM
RandyBoBandy RandyBoBandy is offline
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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife went for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around his desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”


"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesday ......but I fish on Fridays."
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  #737  
Old 06-19-2019, 08:19 PM
RandyBoBandy RandyBoBandy is offline
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I said to the wife 'I've got a problem.'
She replied 'No,we have a problem,we are a couple,we are married,we are a unit,
your problem is my problem we are in this together!'
Overwhelmed with relief I said 'its hardly worth mentioning now.'
But she was insistent on knowing, 'what's is the problem?'
I then had to explain to her that 'WE have got your sister pregnant!.'
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  #738  
Old 06-19-2019, 08:59 PM
RandyBoBandy RandyBoBandy is offline
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Default Rodney Dangerfield PURE GOLD

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_c...&v=LGvnHvba_b0
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  #739  
Old 06-23-2019, 09:43 AM
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An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school.

There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he’d carved “I love you, Sally”.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car practically at their feet.

She quickly picked it up, but they didn’t know what to do with it, so they took it home. There, she counted the money – it was $50,000!

The husband said: “We’ve got to give it back”. She said, “Finders keepers” and put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic.

The next day, two RCMP members who were going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money showed up at their home.

One knocked on the door and said: “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” She said: “No.”

The husband said: “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

She said: “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile,” but the agents sat the man down and began to question him.

One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

The old man said: “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday …”

At this, one RCMP member looked at his partner and said: “We’re outta here!”
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“We seem to be getting closer and closer to a situation where nobody is responsible for what they did but we are all responsible for what somebody else did.”- Thomas Sowell
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  #740  
Old 07-17-2019, 07:14 PM
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I was that kind of kid
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You're only as good as your last haircut
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  #741  
Old 07-18-2019, 01:10 PM
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A man was riding his motorcycle along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking: the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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"The problem was this little thing called the government and laws."
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  #742  
Old 07-18-2019, 01:27 PM
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Saw a t-shirt that said “ I was f#*cking stupid” on the front. On the back it said “ then we broke up”
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  #743  
Old 07-18-2019, 06:03 PM
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In case you ever wondered where to get one back in the day.
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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  #744  
Old 07-18-2019, 06:05 PM
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my kind of luck.
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
___________________________________________
It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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  #745  
Old 07-18-2019, 09:36 PM
RandyBoBandy RandyBoBandy is offline
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Golfer to Caddie: If I shank this next shot, I'm headed to the water hazard and drown myself !!
Caddie to Golfer: Do you think you can keep your head down long enough
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  #746  
Old 07-22-2019, 01:45 PM
stuckincity stuckincity is offline
 
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My headshrinker/counselor told me, "Just be yourself".

So I did like he told me, and I STILL can't get anywhere in life!
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  #747  
Old 07-22-2019, 02:38 PM
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.
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
___________________________________________
It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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  #748  
Old 07-28-2019, 10:40 PM
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First there is trucks trucking trucks. I didn't know now there are shipping ships shipping shipping ships.
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___________________________________________
This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
___________________________________________
It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets

Last edited by Red Bullets; 07-28-2019 at 11:00 PM.
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  #749  
Old 07-30-2019, 09:39 AM
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Davey Boy Davey Boy is offline
 
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Default Survivor - Alberta Style

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Alberta is planning to do its own, titled

'Survivor - Alberta Style.'



The contestants will start in Calgary, travel over to Brooks and Lethbridge .
Then, they will head north to Wainwright then up to Cold Lake.
From there they will proceed to Fort Mac, Slave Lake and Grand Prairie.

Then final leg will be back to Calgary !



Each will be driving a pink Volvo with Quebec license plates and a HUGE bumper

sticker that reads one of the following:

I'm gay. I'm a vegetarian. Beer is harmful to your health. Conservatives suck.

Trudeau is God. Deer hunting is murder, and I'm here to confiscate your guns.'



The first one that makes it back to Calgary alive wins...
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  #750  
Old 07-30-2019, 10:32 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Davey Boy View Post
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Alberta is planning to do its own, titled

'Survivor - Alberta Style.'



The contestants will start in Calgary, travel over to Brooks and Lethbridge .
Then, they will head north to Wainwright then up to Cold Lake.
From there they will proceed to Fort Mac, Slave Lake and Grand Prairie.

Then final leg will be back to Calgary !



Each will be driving a pink Volvo with Quebec license plates and a HUGE bumper

sticker that reads one of the following:

I'm gay. I'm a vegetarian. Beer is harmful to your health. Conservatives suck.

Trudeau is God. Deer hunting is murder, and I'm here to confiscate your guns.'



The first one that makes it back to Calgary alive wins...
BS! They would never make it out of Calgary.....
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