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02-17-2023, 05:33 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Calgary
Posts: 1,829
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What's the biggest difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones and people from Abu Dhabi do!
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02-18-2023, 09:25 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: On the border in Lloydminster
Posts: 8,458
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A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'
The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2022 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, 'You're Kidding me!'
The social worker said, 'Yeah, well . . You started it.'
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Si vis pacem, para bellum
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02-19-2023, 09:48 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Calgary
Posts: 2,323
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The Sheer Nightgown....
A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He’s still looking for a place to live.
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WOMEN ARE UNIQUE ....
Husband’s Message (by cellphone):
Honey, a car has hit me when I was out of the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital.
They have been making tests and taking X-rays.
The blow to my head has been very strong, fortunately it seems that it did not cause any serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife’s Response:
Who the **** is Paula??
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Food For Thought
It’s better to have loafed and lost than to never have loafed at all.
Of all the things I lost in life, I miss my marbles the most.
God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth. Then He made the earth round – and laughed.
Be nice to university students. They might be serving your food some day.
95% of electric cars are still on the road.
The other 5% made it home.
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02-19-2023, 01:50 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 570
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a young girl burst into to her parents bedroom well mom and dad were playing and yells OMG !!! Mom and and you tell me not to suck my thumb. :sHa_shakesh out:
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03-15-2023, 11:40 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: central Alberta
Posts: 12,630
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A man and his grizzly bear are enjoying a nice round of golf one day, when the course marshal rolls up on them.
"Sir, is that a....grizzly bear!?" he asks
"Why yes, this is my pet, Grizz"
"Sir, you can't bring your grizzly bear onto the golf course!!"
"He plays though, and he's actually pretty good!"
"Bulls**t", the marshal replies.
"No, really, he plays golf really good!!"
"Okay, I want to see him tee off. If I'm impressed, he can stay."
The Grizz lines up, waggles his club a little, winds up, and smashes the ball. Pipes it, 550 yards, bounces twice, and stops 6" from the cup. The marshal is astonished. The marshal shakes the man's hand "I've seen enough!! Your bear is welcome here anytime!!" He gets back in his cart and drives off.
An onlooker approaches the man and says "That was incredible!!! If you don't mind, what's your bear's short game like?"
"Oh, about the same...500...550 yards"
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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03-15-2023, 11:43 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: central Alberta
Posts: 12,630
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A young lady was walking in a cemetery to visit the grave of her grandmother. As she walked past a particular grave, she heard the Moonlight Sonata playing backwards. The young lady found that to be quite odd but continued on her way.
About a week later the same lady was again walking to her grandmother's grave and walked past the same grave site. This time she heard Fur Elise, but it was also being played backwards.
The young lady was very perplexed by this, and went to one of the groundskeepers close by, and asked about the grave site and music being played backwards.
The groundskeeper said "Oh yea, that is Beethoven's grave. He's decomposing."
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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03-27-2023, 09:51 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: central Alberta
Posts: 12,630
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A woman was speaking to God.
“God, why did you make men so handsome?” she asked.
God said: “I did that to make you love them”.
Then the woman asked: “Well, God; why did you make men so strong ?”
God said: “I did that to make you love them”.
The woman then asked: “But God, then why did you make men so stupid?”
God said: “I did that to make them love you!”
__________________
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This country was started by voyagers whose young lives were swept away by the currents of the rivers for ten cents a day... just for the vanity of the European's beaver hats. ~ Red Bullets
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It is when you walk alone in nature that you discover your strengths and weaknesses. ~ Red Bullets
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03-28-2023, 09:23 AM
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Banned
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 123
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03-29-2023, 02:02 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Calgary
Posts: 2,323
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I went for a job interview today.
The manager said, "We're looking for someone who's responsible."
I replied. "Well then I'm your man. In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
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05-26-2023, 08:28 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Westerose
Posts: 4,208
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During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacrame nto"
When asked why they had such a long password, they rolled their eyes and said: "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."
ARG
__________________
In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, 'Au revoir, gopher'.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sjemac
It has been scientifically proven that a 308 round will not leave your property -- they essentially fall dead at the fence line. But a 38 round, when fired from a handgun, will of its own accord leave your property and destroy any small schools nearby.
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06-04-2023, 11:22 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 3,700
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An experienced rower wanted to solo paddle from Sweden to Finland during winter. He had a single-seater plastic boat. Because of the frigid temperature, he brought along a battery powered space heater. Halfway across the battery caught fire and melted a hole through the watercraft.
He was rescued, but it confirmed that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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“One of the sad signs of our times is that we have demonized those who produce, subsidized those who refuse to produce, and canonized those who complain.” - Thomas Sowell
“We seem to be getting closer and closer to a situation where nobody is responsible for what they did but we are all responsible for what somebody else did.”- Thomas Sowell
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08-29-2023, 06:40 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 3,700
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What does The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?
Icy dead people.
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“One of the sad signs of our times is that we have demonized those who produce, subsidized those who refuse to produce, and canonized those who complain.” - Thomas Sowell
“We seem to be getting closer and closer to a situation where nobody is responsible for what they did but we are all responsible for what somebody else did.”- Thomas Sowell
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08-29-2023, 08:18 PM
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Edmonton
Posts: 6,531
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A guy is worried about his dog having a dry nose for 2 weeks and takes him to the vet. Vet comes into the exam room and gets the owners story, picks up the dog, shines his flashlight in each ear, down the dogs throat, then up his nose, pauses and looks at the dog owner and says, "I'm very sorry but I'm going to have to put your dog down." The dog owner is stunned and says " Oh my God. Just because he has a dry nose?" The vet says "No. He's getting heavy."
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09-10-2023, 04:12 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: At the base of a mountain beside a creek
Posts: 2,450
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I just played the new 'Millenial' version of the board game, Clue tonight and ended up solving the mystery and winning the game.
It was: The Yoga Teacher...At the Farmer's Market...With Gluten
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09-12-2023, 07:11 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 3,700
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A shoplifter is someone who is non-buynary.
__________________
“One of the sad signs of our times is that we have demonized those who produce, subsidized those who refuse to produce, and canonized those who complain.” - Thomas Sowell
“We seem to be getting closer and closer to a situation where nobody is responsible for what they did but we are all responsible for what somebody else did.”- Thomas Sowell
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09-18-2023, 06:57 PM
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Moderator
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: A bit North o' Center...
Posts: 11,580
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What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
A Hippo is quite heavy.
A Zippo, on the other hand, is a little lighter.
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10-06-2023, 01:03 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Calgary
Posts: 2,323
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A few years ago I got diagnosed with a brain-eating amoeba in a brain scan.
But it wasn't dangerous because the poor thing starved to death.
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10-24-2023, 08:37 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 3,700
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Before surgery, the anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
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I made a huge mistake challenging Death to a pillow fight...
I was not prepared for the reaper cushions.
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Penguins produce an oil that helps their feathers to retain body heat.
That means...
The oily bird gets the warm.
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To measure the quality of puns, you must use a sighsmograph.
__________________
“One of the sad signs of our times is that we have demonized those who produce, subsidized those who refuse to produce, and canonized those who complain.” - Thomas Sowell
“We seem to be getting closer and closer to a situation where nobody is responsible for what they did but we are all responsible for what somebody else did.”- Thomas Sowell
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11-07-2023, 01:06 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: On the border in Lloydminster
Posts: 8,458
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Long time friends Sylvia & Wanda meet up in Heaven!!
SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?...
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.
__________________
Si vis pacem, para bellum
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01-25-2024, 06:43 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Airdrie
Posts: 1,861
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Squirrels
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
WDF
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Fuel up, go for a drive, ask permission.....If you are scared, take your mom with you
Huntinstuff
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01-26-2024, 07:42 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Calgary
Posts: 1,829
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Paddy put out an ad to sell his pet python.
A bloke calls him and says "is it big?"
Paddy says "massive"
Bloke says "how many feet?"
Paddy says "None! It's a snake ya idjit!"
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01-26-2024, 12:46 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Calgary
Posts: 2,323
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What did Commander Riker see in the toilet bowl?
The captain's log.
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!".
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell Scripture at you."
"Scripture?!?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"
What's the difference between criminals and mother-in-laws?
Criminals are wanted.
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08-09-2024, 09:39 PM
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Moderator
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 8,000
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I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so
I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
__________________
I hope I don't vote for Biden when I'm dead!
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