Let's hear some jokes..cabin fever is setting in.

[KGB]

Th guy walked into the pharmacy and announced in a laud voice:
- I need a pack of condoms!
The pharmacist says:
- can you please not be so rude?
- ok I need a pack of condoms please...
- can you please be even more polite?
- can I please have a package of contraceptives?
- a bit nicer please?
The guy lays his little “friend” on a counter
- please dress up this gentlemen!

[fishinhogdaddy]

What do you call a belt made out of watches?
A waist of time....
Sorry, it's Monday and they don't get any better!
FHD

[waldedw]

Coronavirus.jpg

[Gerry]

3 preachers are talking one day about how hard it is to get people into church anymore, so they come up with a brilliant plan to see which one is the best preacher, so the test is to see who can get a bear to join the congregation. So the Catholic goes first, a few days later he's back, with an arm in a sling and some scratches on his face; the other 2 ask him what happened, he says "well, I found a bear and wrestled him down and got him sprinkled, and he's confirmed that he'll join our congregation". So the Baptist heads out, he's back in a few days, but in pretty rough shape, he's in a wheelchair and one ear hanging off the side of his head, the other 2 ask him what happened? "Well he said, I found a bear, and just my luck he was way up on top of a hill! So I had to wrestle him all the way down the hill to get him in the river and baptize him, then we spent the afternoon singing amazing Grace and having fellowship!" So the jew goes last, and a week later they're visiting him in the hospital after he gets out of surgery! And they ask him what happened? He says "well, I believe I've learned a lot from this experience, and if I were ever to do anything like this again... I don't think I'd start with circumcision

[Gerry]

A man gets pulled over for speeding, the cop approaches his car and he rolls the window down,*
Officer; licence and registration please.*
Driver; sorry officer, I lost my licence after my third DUI, and as for registration, it's not my car, I stole it, but I think I saw it when I put my handgun in the glove box.
Officer; you've got a gun in the glove box?
Driver; yes sir, I used it to shoot the owner of the car... she's in the trunk.
Officer; you've got a BODY in the trunk?*
Driver; yes sir, I couldn't just leave her in the parking lot.
Officer, DON'T MOVE!*
Officer goes back to his car and within minutes 6 squad cars show up with sirens wailing and lights flashing!
The chief cautiously approaches the drivers window.
Chief; licence and registration please, driver hands it over, licence is valid, car is registered in his name,*
Chief; open the glove box please, driver opens glove box, it's empty.
Chief; pop the trunk please sir,*
Driver pops the trunk, it's empty... chief approaches the drivers window again and says, I don't understand, the officer who pulled you over said that you had lost your licence, that you'd stolen the car, that you had a handgun in the glove box and a BODY in the trunk!*
Driver; I'll bet that lying S.O.B said I was speeding too! Didn't he?

[Gerry]

Lena is driving her car down the highway when she gets a flat tire, so she pulls to the side of the road and pops open the trunk, out jumps Lars and sven, wearing nothing but trench coats and take up a position at the rear of the car on each side, they then begin to open and close their trench coats, exposing themselves to passing cars! Well this causes no small stir with passing motorists, until someone calls the cops, the cop arrives on the scene, and approaches Lena who is sitting in the car, and he demands to know what is going on! What are these 2 perverts doing? Lena replies, well officer, these are my emergency flashers!

[Gerry]

Two hunters hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged four.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot told them the plane could take only two moose.
The two hunters objected strongly, stating, “Last year we shot four moose, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours.”
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded.
Unfortunately, even at full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and crashed a few minutes after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreck, one hunter asked the other, “Any idea where we are?”
He replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

[Gerry]

A man and woman dated for a long time and they were both very self conscious about something. She had stinky feet, and he had bad breath.
They would always try to avoid situations where these flaws would be found out by the other person.
Finally , one day the man asks the woman to marry him. She is concerned that now he will for sure find out about her stinky feet. And he was very worried that she would for sure find out he had bad breath.*
The first night laying in their bed he pipes up and says, " Honey, I love you dearly but I have been keeping a secret from you. I need to reveal the secret."
She says," I think I know what your secret is, ... You ate my socks."

[Gerry]

" I met an older gal at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a*60+year-old woman. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers, and then she asked if I'd ever had a 'Sportsman's Double' ?
"What's that?" I asked.
"It's a mother and daughter threesome", she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, "No, I haven't."
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, "Tonight's your lucky night. Let's go"
We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom...you still awake?'' "

[Gerry]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a
quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows."
"We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball
with my wife's monogram on it........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, hey, this looks like yours!"

[Gerry]

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As the RCMP officer walked to her car window, flipping open his
ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the
RCMP Patrolmen's Ball."
He replied, "RCMP patrolmen don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd
just said.
He then closed his book, got back into his car and left.

[Gerry]

A pretty redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce
and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to
mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized,
she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he
was a married man. "Oh, Lary," she sobbed at the conclusion
of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together,
the way we were meant to be?"
Taking her by the shoulders, Larry proceeded to scold her
for her lack of discretion and good judgment. "Snatched drinks
in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried
meetings in sordid motels rooms -- is that really what you
want for us?"
"No, no..." she sobbed; heartsick.
"Damn," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."

[AndrewM]

https://youtu.be/fdmMWqSf8gI

[Red Bullets]

Grandfather was a successful business man. He was a veterinarian and a taxidermist. He did good because he guaranteed you would get you dog back no matter what.

[Reeves1]

Good one to show your kids...

[Red Bullets]

Since we're on cats.... Teach your cat to box.. turn up sound for best effect. This cat is on point.

https://www.facebook.com/petsworldan...action_generic

[Red Bullets]

be careful out there....

[trigger7mm]

Originally Posted by Red Bullets

be careful out there....

HAHA, so true!

[270person]

Originally Posted by AndrewM

https://youtu.be/fdmMWqSf8gI

If it weren't so true it'd be funnier.

[Johnny G1]

Originally Posted by Red Bullets

be careful out there....

So very true.

[Au revoir, Gopher]

Originally Posted by Red Bullets

be careful out there....

I think that bear is going to be the subject of a "me too" campaign.

ARG

[sfaxien]

Originally Posted by nekred

Saw a guy with no arms hopping and bobbing as he was going down the street I asked what he was so happy about.....

He said he wasn't happy, he had itchy balls!

Funny

[sfaxien]

Originally Posted by Gerry

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As the RCMP officer walked to her car window, flipping open his
ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the
RCMP Patrolmen's Ball."
He replied, "RCMP patrolmen don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd
just said.
He then closed his book, got back into his car and left.

Of course, they ain't gat balls

[Backwoods Bill]

Hahahaha these are great!

[Au revoir, Gopher]

Does Corona have a "viral" video? Inquiring minds want to know

ARG

[glen moa]

https://youtu.be/0z7BFWWS5RY

[THMF]

THE RANCH HAND
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town Saturday night.
One o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the house, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked deep into his eyes and said, "If you EVER wear my clothes into town again, you're fired"
(P.S. - I didn't see it coming either)

[waldedw]

Stock Market.jpg

[Big Sky]

[KGB]

Oh well, he we go!