Let's hear some jokes..cabin fever is setting in. - Page 13

Red Bullets · #**361** 03-02-2018, 10:31 AM

A State Trooper pulled an 87-year-old woman over for speeding. As he looked at her driver's license he was surprised to notice that attached to it was a concealed weapon permit.
Taken aback, he couldn't help but ask, “Do you have a gun in your possession?” She replied in her crackly voice, “Indeed, I do. Why I have a 45 automatic in the glove box.” The trooper then asked if she had any other weapons. She replied, “I have a 9 mm Glock in the center console.”
The shocked trooper asked, “Is that all the weapons you are transporting? The little old lady held up her purse and replied, "Well, I do keep a 38 special in my purse.”
Finally, the astonished trooper asked, "What are you so afraid of?”And the little old lady smiled and replied: "Not a Thing."

Red Bullets · #**362** 03-02-2018, 10:37 AM

A man in Edmonton calls his son in Winnipeg the day before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about? I'll call your daughter, my sister in Saskatoon." He calls his sister who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced." she shouts, I'll take care of this."

She calls Edmonton immediately, and screams at her father "You are NOT getting divorced! I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME ?" And hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

Red Bullets · #**363** 03-02-2018, 10:43 AM

Okay, so I went to Walmart for things I needed. I was waiting in the self-checkout line and I dropped a $20 bill. The guy in front of me picked it up. I thanked him and held my hand out and he said, "The things found on earth are kept by the collector," and walks away!!! Really? I looked at the person behind me standing in line, who looked just as shocked as me and I turned back towards this human and as I approached him I said, "Do I look like an ATM?! YOU WILL Give me back my $20." He had the nerve to ignore me completely and TRIED to walk away from my wrath of justice I was about to serve. SOOOOO, of course I left my basket and quickly followed him into the parking lot as I was calling the police. He was clearly walking at a fast pace to get away from me which was the first sign of real intelligence the man had shown! When he got to his car he put the bags on the ground to open his trunk. I was boiling at this point! I decided that his “finders keepers" rule just presented the perfect opportunity for one heck of a teachable moment... SO... I just grabbed his grocery bag, and said, "The things found on earth are kept by the collector!" and walked over to my car and ignored his every attempt to talk about the exchange. I was just waiting for him to take things to another level and wondering if his car was up for grabs too considering it was sitting right there on the earth. I was so mad, but I had a sense of satisfaction all at the same time. I can say as an adult that I've never stolen anything, but, I get home and open the bags and what did I find?
3 packs of rib eye steaks
3 pounds of country ribs
2 pounds of potatoes
2 heads of lettuce
2 onions
And...
A bottle of Wine
I thought... Not bad for $20 dollars!

RBI · #**364** 03-02-2018, 11:00 AM

While coming around a long turn in the highway , of a high mountain pass ,
a driver came upon a number of cars pulled over to the side with their drivers peering over the edge .

The driver also they stoped to see what was happening .

" What's going on? " he says to one of the onlookers ...

" A bus full of lawyers coming back from a convention, went over the edge . and it appears all were killed ."

" Oh my god , that's terrible !"

" You're telling me " the onlooker says .... " There was still two empty seats !!

Little red riding hood · #**365** 03-02-2018, 09:32 PM

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all the plants and minerals conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

drhu22 · #**366** 03-02-2018, 09:41 PM

knock knock............................................. ... come in!

Alberta Long Range · #**367** 03-02-2018, 09:44 PM

Why should you never shower in front of a Pokemon?

Because it'll pikachu

Alberta Long Range · #**368** 03-02-2018, 09:47 PM

It's raining cats and dogs out there and I just stepped in a poodle.

colroggal · #**369** 03-02-2018, 10:16 PM

^^^groan

Colin

colroggal · #**370** 03-02-2018, 10:20 PM

A little moron and a big moron are sitting in a tree. The big moron falls out and breaks his fool neck. Why didn't the little moron fall?

'Cause he was a little moron!

Ayuk, ayuk!

Colin

Tactical Lever · #**371** 03-03-2018, 01:08 AM

The old don lay on his death bed breathing his last. His young spoiled son sat by his side.

"Come closer Vinny." said the old don. "I won't be around much longer now, and you are gonna have to take care a' things. I want you to have my chrome plated revolver; the one with pearl grips."

Vinny: "I don't want your gun. Whatsa' matter with giving me your watch, instead?"

The don: "Listen Vinny. Some day you gonna have a beautiful wife and some bambini with her. Nice house, nice cars. You gonna be out makin' money, and you come home early. You climb the stairs and maybe you find a fella in your bed with your wife!"

"What you gonna do then? Point to you watch, and say: "Hey pal! Time's up!"

Tactical Lever · #**372** 03-03-2018, 01:09 AM

^^ Original "Time's up"!

Tactical Lever · #**373** 03-03-2018, 01:23 AM

The Lone Ranger got caught in a running gun battle with some hostile Indians. They're running and fighting. Running and fighting. Finally he's pinned down in a draw when Tonto comes flying and sliding in. "What's happening kemosabe?"

"Thank goodness you're here Tonto! There's half a dozen hostiles that have me pinned down, but worse, another dozen have circled around, and now we're surrounded!"

Tonto: "What do you mean "we"; white man?"

Gerry · #**374** 03-03-2018, 11:45 AM

Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge truck slammed into one of them. An ambulance was called and they rushed the little fellow off to the hospital where he immediately
went into hours of surgery.
Finally the doctor emerged and approached the other carrot who had been anxiously awaiting in the waiting room.
"Tell me" said the carrot, "how is he?"
The doctor replied, "He's going to live, but he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

Gerry · #**375** 03-03-2018, 11:48 AM

A closer look at cat behavior.
1. Cats do what they want, when they want
2. They rarely listen to you
3. They're totally unpredictable
4. They whine when the are not happy
5. When you want to play they want to be alone
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play
7. They expect you to cater to they're every whim
8. They're moody
9. They leave hair everywhere
10. They drive you nuts
Conclusion:
They're like tiny little women in cheap fur coats

Gerry · #**376** 03-03-2018, 11:52 AM

Paddy and Mike were inseparable friends; Paddy was crippled. One day, Mike bursts in on the pastor in his rectory and says, "Father, Father, ye wouldn't believe what just happened to Paddy in the Church!"
"Well, then tell me lad. What happened to Paddy in me church?"
"Well, Paddy walked into the Church on his crutches. He reached into the holy water font, rubbed holy water all over his right leg, and threw away his right crutch.. and Paddy is a cripple, ye know."
"Yes, yes, I know. Then what happened?" asks the priest.
"Paddy did the same thing with his left leg and threw away his other crutch, And Paddy is a cripple, ye know."
"Yes, yes, I know that! For the love of Jesus, Michael, tell me what happened next!"
"Oh," says Mike, "he fell right on his ass! He's a cripple, ye know."

Gerry · #**377** 03-03-2018, 11:57 AM

A human being was successfully cloned in Holland.
It was perfect in every way, except no matter what they tried they couldn't get the clone to stop using foul gestures and language.
Finally, the enraged scientist in charge of the project pushed him out of a window, and the clone fell to his death.
Since he wasn't an actual human, the legal system couldn't figure out how the scientist should be charged. They finally charged him with making an obscene clone fall.

Gerry · #**378** 03-03-2018, 12:29 PM

NEWSFLASH!!!
Japan sent us 50,000,000 cases of Viagra.
They heard that our entire country can't get a decent election.

Fish along · #**379** 03-04-2018, 12:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gerry

A closer look at cat behavior.
1. Cats do what they want, when they want
2. They rarely listen to you
3. They're totally unpredictable
4. They whine when the are not happy
5. When you want to play they want to be alone
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play
7. They expect you to cater to they're every whim
8. They're moody
9. They leave hair everywhere
10. They drive you nuts
Conclusion:
They're like tiny little women in cheap fur coats

Ain't this the truth lol.funny

Davey Boy · #**380** 03-04-2018, 09:36 AM

The Mechanic and the Surgeon

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the

garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out,

repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year
and you make $1.7 million, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic......."Try doing it with the engine running.”

Fish along · #**381** 03-04-2018, 11:32 PM

What do you get when you cross a dairy cow with a great white shark,,,,,I don't know but I wouldn't try milking it.

Little red riding hood · #**382** 03-05-2018, 10:34 AM

Q* Why don't sharks attack lawyers?
A* professional courtesy!

Q* what do you get if You cross a crooked lawyer with dishonest politician?
A* Chelsea Clinton!

Q* why don't lawyers like the beach?
A* because cats are always trying to bury them!

Q* what's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
A* Lipstick!

Q* what's the difference between a lawyer and a burbot?
A* one is a bottom feeding scum sucker, and the other is a fish!

wolf308 · #**383** 03-05-2018, 02:27 PM

How do you say bra in German ?

Stopsemfromfloppin

wolf308 · #**384** 03-05-2018, 02:29 PM

A communist , a liberal and a nazi walk into you one day. You only got 2 bullets , who do you shoot ?

The nazi right ?

Wrong! Shoot the liberal then again to make sure he's down

wolf308 · #**385** 03-05-2018, 03:09 PM

Why did the cocaine addicted chicken X the road ?

To get to the other white line

bat119 · #**386** 03-05-2018, 03:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wolf308

How do you say bra in German ?

Stopsemfromfloppin

Vaseline

is Veinerslider

Fish along · #**387** 03-06-2018, 12:47 AM

To the man on crutches dressed in camouflage who stole my wallet, you can hide , but you can not run?.

Just because nobody complains dosent mean that all parachutes are perfect.

Gerry · #**388** 03-06-2018, 11:55 AM

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on first hole when a second fellow
approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays
alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the
first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched,
how about we play for a $5 a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet
but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and
as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole and while counting his $80.00,
he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on
suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local
Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic
and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You
won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your
winnings."
The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll
marry them for you."

Gerry · #**389** 03-06-2018, 11:57 AM

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. One day
he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine
again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one
line. You walk on to the stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold
the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply
and then say the line, 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long, before the play, he's practicing his
line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the
stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my
mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter, and the
director was steaming - "You bloody fool!," he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened? Did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

Gerry · #**390** 03-06-2018, 12:02 PM

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday,
instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.