Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Jury: 12 people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.(Or an "OLD Burro" for that matter!)
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
My grandmother's 90; she's dating a man 93. They never argue: they cant hear each other.
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.
Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.
Despite the cost of living, it's still quite popular.
Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you've made it again.
If you're old enough to know better, you're too old to do it.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through the senate.
Time wounds all heels.
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you've made it again.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July.
You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
I'm getting just like my great-grandchildren -- wearing diapers and using a walker.
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
Death is not the end; there remains the litigation over the estate.
My uncle reads the obits every day. He can't understand how people always die in alphabetical order.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money
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