Classic! LMAO!!!

A poor hungry guy with no arms goes into a church and goes up to the preacher and says " I understand you're looking for a new bell ringer, and I'd like to apply for the job"

The preacher looks at the man and says ' My son, I know that the good Lord works in mysterious ways, but I'm not sure I can consider you for the job . With no arms, I don't know how you could possibly pull the ropes that ring the bells ."

" Fair enough, " the man says " But what if I can make them ring another way", " I really need this work ".

"Not sure what you have in mind " replies the preacher , " but I'll hear what you have to say ".

The guy goes on to explain to the preacher that he can go up into the bell tower, and can make the bells ring by slamming his head into the bells , and that he's sure that he can do a good job.

Still a little unsure, the preacher agrees to give the man a chance, " Ok you came on back on Sunday , and give it a try "

So on Sunday, the bells are ringing out loud as people are coming to church .

But the guy while doing so well at the bells , trips as he's diving out at a bell and flys right out of the tower and falls to his death on the ground .

A few of the churchgoers rush up to see him , " Oh my god, what a terrible thing , one lady says ..." Does anyone know his name "

An older gentleman steps forward and says ... " Don't know his name ...

But his face sure rings a bell " ...

The human cannonball from the circus comes up to the ringleader one day and announces that he'll be quitting in two days and taking on a new job. The ringleader gets a sad look on his face and says , "I doubt we'll ever find another man of your caliber."

Paddys wife had given birth control to triplets and he was trying to figure out what happened, finally he says to the wife ,remember the time we were lubricating with that 3 in one oil.damn good thing we never tried the WD40.:sHa_sarcasticlol:

A man and his wife had nine children, and decided that he would get a vasectomy, the doctor was curious why he waited so long .he replies ,well me wife and i heard that every tenth person born in Canada was a French man ,so we decided to do this cause we can't speak French. :sHa_sarcasticlol:

This is definitely a keeper :sHa_shakeshout:

There's a followup to this. To make it short:

A second armless fellow approaches the preacher for the same job. Same thing happens, he misses the bell and falls to his death. People gather around and the same older gentlemen says.... "dont know his name, but hes a dead ringer for the other guy"

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on north American natives and headed down to North Dakota to do her first chapter.

She was walking down the street and stopped a native fellow and told him what she was up to and he agreed ,one thing she noticed is that he had one feather in his hat and he replied ,one feather one wife and she said thank you for your time and went on her way;

She walked a couple more blocks and met up with another native and she told him what she was doing and she noticed 2 feathers in his hat and he replied 2 feathers 2 wifes.So they talked a bit more and she thanked him for his time and moved on.


She walked another block and she met up with another native and told him what she was up to but notice he had a whole head dress of feathers all the way down his back and she asked him what's with all the feathers .

And he replied me Chief me do them all,she said you don't have to get hostile and he replied,hosre style,dogstlye,wolf style me still do them all.

She replied you awt to be hung,he said chief is hung,long like snake, hard like buffalo horn ,

She step back and said OH dear and the chief said wow wow chief no do deer butt to high run to fast.

I told this to native chief in kenora one night and he made me go down to the NE Che freindship center so his secretary could write it down,there was about 30 FN men and women there and they howled in that center and it wasn't racist,plus every time I went where one would see me they all called me chief and started laughing.I made more native friends with that joke the you could imagine.

What do you call a guy with no arm and no legs hanging on a wall: Art

What do you call a guy with no arm and no legs lying in a hole: Doug

What do you call a guy with no arm and no legs floating in the ocean: Bob

What do you call a guy with no arm and no legs laying on the floor: Matt

What do you call a guy with no arm and no legs painted green: Bill

What do you call a guy with no arm and no legs laying under your car: Jack

What do you call a guy with no arm and no legs sitting in your bathroom: John

What do you call a guy with no arm and no legs covered in moss: Pete

What do you call a guy with no arm and no legs falling down a hill: Rolly

What do you call a guy with no arm and no legs sitting in a pail: Phil


BH

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of that species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators were told about Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn’t very bright.
So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to satisfy the gorilla for five hundred dollars? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer,but only under three conditions.
“First,” he said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.”
The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
“Well,” said Mike, “you’ve gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.”

Little Johnny gets sent home from school for swearing, using the "C" word. Once he gets home, his mother starts to lecture him about minding his language. Shes says to him "You just wait until your father gets home young man! He's going to be very angry with you for swearing at school. That wasn't clever, was it?" Little Johnny starts nervously fidgeting and replies "No, it was **** (insert nasty C word here)."

Sister Margaret died and through some grievous error wound up in hell instead of heaven.
She got on the phone to St. Peter to tell him some horrible mistake had been made. St. Peter promised to get right on it.
The next day the good sister was still with all of the sinners. St. Peter received a second panicked phone call. “This is sister Margaret again. You’ve got to help me. There’s an orgy planned for first thing tomorrow morning.”
St. Peter again promised to get right on it.
At about noon the next day he receives a third phone call, “Hey Pete, This is Maggie, forget about the transfer.”

A nun and a priest were riding a camel through the desert when they noticed that the camel was beginning to labor and show signs that the end was near.
Sure enough the camel up and died and the priest and the nun were stranded with no water and no help in sight. After waiting for two days the priest and the nun realized that they would probably die out there as well.
The priest says to the nun, "I think you know as well that we are going to die out here. But before I go sister, I have one request for you. I have never seen a woman naked and I was wondering if you would grant me my dyeing wish and disrobe in front of me."
"Of course, Father. But I too have one request for you. I have never seen a man naked and I would like to see one before I die. Will you grant me my wish and disrobe in front of me?"
So both the priest and nun get naked when the nun points to the man and asks; "what's that hanging between your knees, Father" The priest replies, "oh, that is a great gift from God. If I put this in you, it brings forth new life."
The nun looks at the Father and says, "Don't put it in me Father, PUT IN THE CAMEL

The Widow MacDonald waited up for her farm hand who had gone to town Saturday night. When he returned, she summoned him to her bedroom. "Take off my shoes, please," she commanded. He obeyed.
"Now take off my dress." He did.
"Now take off my slip... and my stockings... and my garter belt." He did as he was told without comment. "Now take off my bra," she snapped, "and don't you ever let me catch you borrowing my clothes again without asking.”

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway in OHIO, when he notices a sign
out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES
and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF MERCY.
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door".
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.
This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden
door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut
behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

George and Aggie lived on a cove on Lake Manitoba. It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over.
George asked Aggie if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.
She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."

So Aggie walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.
When she got home with the items she said, "George, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?"
George replied, "Well, Aggie, girl, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was."

What do you call a woman who has one leg longer than the other leg?



Eileen :)

Seven out of 10 adults with a learning disability stated that they have sex daily.

I’ll just leave this here....

https://youtu.be/qACxfKB3iP4

LOL. That's awesome, I wonder if it meant to be serious?

Lol funny :sHa_sarcasticlol:

A seven-year old boy was at the center of an Edmonton courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Calgary Flames, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Bahaha :sHa_sarcasticlol::test:

I watched this as well and wasn't sure what to make of it.Spoof? :sHa_sarcasticlol:

Me neither... I did feel some brain cells die as a result of watching it, though... :thinking-006:

Nope, it's the real deal.

Here's another one of the freaky skinny dude in the middle.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCAM4dxuzj8

Hadn't heard the one , funny
I'll have to remember it
Thanks

jokes
 

A native fella is riding on his mule, going to town on a hot summer day on the Navajo reservation. He notices coming up behind him a big cloud of dust from a convertible driving pretty fast. The guy driving the car pulls to a stop beside the native.
"This the way to town" asks the driver.
"Yep, just up the road a mile or so" says the mule rider.
"Thanks" says the guy. "Need a lift or anything?"
"Naw" says the native. "But tell me, why do you drive with the top down on such a hot day?'
" Well " says the driver, "the faster you go, the cooler the air, as it rushes by you, and the cooler you will be."
"Hmmm...makes sense" says the native, as they say their goodbyes and the car takes off down the road.
Now the native on the mule gets the inspiration, kicks and prods the mule into a pretty fast gallop. Sure enough the air blowing by the natives face is cooler, and he really starts feeling good.
A few minutes later, the mule plows into the dirt, throwing him off.
The native gets up, dusts himself off and walks back to the mule. Confirming that the mule is dead, he ponders a bit and says " Hmmm, must of froze to death".

:lol:


We've lived in Calgary since '86, but we're still mostly Canuck fans. :thinking-006:

Heck, we still even drink BC wines if we can get 'em . :rolleyes:

:sSc_hiding: