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There was an old lady from the outports of NFLD who was being interviewed by some news people, they asked what she attributed to her old age and she says ,salt fish and brewis,jigs dinners, and dandelions and hard woork. So he asks have you ever been bed ridden?she says yes boy thousands of times and twice in a dory .
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3 blondes die in a horrible accident and all ascend to the pearly gates and are met at the gate by St.Peter.
St.Peter tells the ladies that they cannot just walk in, but rather have to answer a simple question to gain access into heaven. So the first blonde steps up and St. Peter asks her "What is Easter?". She begins to answer "Oh, that is when we all dress up, go trick or treating, and carve pumpkins." St.Peter shakes his head in disgust and sends her to Hell. The second blonde steps up and St.Peter again asks "What is Easter?" The blonde begins to answer "Oh that's easy, it is in the winter and we set up a tree and buy each other presents, and Santa comes to my house." St.Peter again can't believe his ears and sends the second blonde to Hell. The third blonde steps up and yet again St.Peter asks "What is Easter?" The blonde replies "Oh that is the religious holiday in the spring. Jesus was hung on the cross and died, they took him down and laid him in a tomb and placed a large rock in front of the tomb." St.Peter is overjoyed and just as he is about to grant her access into Heaven, the blonde continues..... "Then every year Jesus comes out of the tomb and if he sees his shadow there is 6 more weeks of Winter.................." BH |
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An old guy in rural NL was out working in his garden ,when this Texan drives up and asks him owns the property he's working on ,yessir he says proudly I own all five acres .The Texan then says where I come from it takes me all day to drive from one end of my property to the other. Yes said the Newf I had a car like that one time and I scrapped it.:sHa_sarcasticlol::sHa_sarcasticlol:
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A old farmer walks up the stairs carrying a sheep in his arms. He walks into the bedroom where his wife is reading her book and says " honey this is the pig I've been screwing for the last 20 years".
His wife puts down her book and says " you dumb bastard that's a sheep not a pig". The old farmer replies "shut up I wasn't talking to you". |
" I met an older gal at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+year-old woman. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers, and then she asked if I'd ever had a 'Sportsman's Double' ? "What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome", she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, "No, I haven't." We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, "Tonight's your lucky night. Let's go" We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom...you still awake?'' " |
Dog Companionship is never easy,
But we all know, deep in our hearts, That you take a casual acquaintance, Add time together, and friendship starts. And after time has shaped us players As Shakespeare says, to play our parts, We find the ways to sweeten hard times From bitter fruit, we make sweet tarts. But don't expect to change another, For some are lazy, and some lack smarts. But good and loyal is my dog, Pepper, Who lays next to me, and then she farts. |
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, from Toronto , Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom, Ann from Alberta: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom, Joyce from BC: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother, from Newfoundland , Bertha, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and get dinner." |
A pompous Baptist minister was seated next to an overbearing attorney on a plane flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The attorney asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "I’d rather savagely rape a brazen Hooker than let liquor touch these lips." The attorney then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, "I didn’t know there was a choice."
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A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?" his parish priest asked. "Enough to build my own home and enough for my son's house, and houses for our two daughters. And our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber." |
A guy is in the can standing at the urinal when a little midget comes in and goes to the urinal next to him.
The midget looks over and say's, "Jesus mister, that's the biggest set of balls I've ever seen, can I touch them?" The guy, both embarrassed and proud say's "I guess so." The midget says, "I'm going to have to get up on a chair for this" He gets up on the chair and takes hold of the guy's balls and say's "OK, now give me your wallet or I'll jump." |
A guy with a real bad lisp walks into a store to buy some nuts.
“How much are your cathews?” he asks. “Fifteen bucks a pound.” the guy behind the counter says. “How much are your pecanths?” “Eight bucks a pound.” the guy behind the counter says. “OK I’ll take half a pound of each and thankth for not making fun of my lithp.” “Not a problem, you never made fun of my big nose.” “Your big noth? Your nuths are so high, I thought that waths your dick" |
A guy walks into a theatrical agents office. The agent say’s, “What can I do for you?”
The guy say’s, “I’ve got the best act you’ve ever seen.” Agent, “Oh yea, I’ve been in this business for forty years, I’ve seen everything.” Guy, “You haven’t seen this.” Agent, “OK, show me.’ The guy walks over to a table and puts his briefcase on it. He opens the briefcase and takes out a little tiny piano and puts it on the table. He reaches back in and takes out a piano bench and puts that at the piano. He reaches back in and takes out a little tiny man and sets him on the table. The little man dusts himself off and goes over to the piano, sits down and proceeds to play Beethoven, Shubert, and Brahm’s like he wrote them. Agent, “This is great, I’ve never seen anything like this, where did you get him?” Guy, “I was on a walking tour of Ireland, crossing a field I heard a little voice calling for help, I followed the voice and found a leprechaun with a big rock on his leg, he was trapped and couldn’t get it off, so I lifted it off for him. He said for helping him he would grant me one wish.” Agent, “And this is what you wished for?” Guy, “Not actually, the leprechaun was hard of hearing and I ended up with a twelve inch pianist.” |
A woman was arrested for shoplifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "6." The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband stood up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "Well, what is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas." I was working out at the gym when I spotted a beautiful sweet young thing walk in. I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?" The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend the ATM machine in the lobby." |
What do you call a midget Mexican hooker?
Cunswaylow Guy walks into a bar dragging a chain . The bartender asks " why are you dragging that chain?" Guy replies " have you ever seen anyone push a chain". |
met a couple in Mexico a week or so ago from Calgary
Same age, children similar ages so comparing notes we determined old folks should not use acronyms.
His 20 something daughter was having trouble finding a job in her field after finishing university. he asked how the job search was going and she replied by text message "I have handed out 46 resumes in the past 2 weeks while visiting companies I believed might be in a position to hire me. Wanting to relay his encouragement for her effort he shorten "good for you" to GFY. She replied immediately "why would you say that ,dad?" |
It was a beautiful day, and a Newfoundland housewife decided to take her husband's dory out for an afternoon jaunt. She lost track of time, and dozed off while the dory gently rocked in the waves.
She awoke to an offshore wind, and desperately tried to row back to harbor. Tragically, the waves overcame the small boat and she vanished beneath the waves. The next day, her husband answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP officers. "We’re sorry, Mr. McPaddy, but we have some information about your wife," said one officer. "Tell me! Did you find her?" McPaddy shouted. The officers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. McPaddy said, "Give me the bad news first." The officer said, "I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay." "Oh, no!" exclaimed McPaddy. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What’s the good news?" The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 ten-pound lobster and 6 good-size crabs clinging to her." Stunned, Mr. McPaddy demanded, "If that’s the good news, what’s the great news?" The officer answered: "We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow!" |
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow". The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet". The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father works for the Trudeau government. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!" |
I was sitting at the bar enjoying a few beers when a beautiful woman came in and sat on the stool beside me.
She was so good looking I wanted to hit on her, so I leaned over and said "You remind me of my little toe." She replied, "What? You mean I'm small and cute?" I said , "No. I mean I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk." That's all I remember. |
A grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down. Bartender walks over and says "Heeyyy, we make a drink here named after you." Grasshopper looks puzzled and says "Murray?"
A seal walks into a club.... Two peanuts walk into a dark alley late at night. One was a salted. What do you call a guy with no arms or legs flying over the fence? Homer. How does a Mexican know when it's lunchtime? His arse stops burning. |
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I've had a good laugh at some of those jokes, so thanks for that. I suck at telling jokes and usually mess up the punch line or half way through it. I'm more of a one-liner kinda guy, but I've screwed up those also. :sign0176:
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